Sunday, February 29, 2004

Where the fuck is he?

It is 2 in the afternoon. Why hasn’t Manny appeared at my door, taken his clothes off and spoofed all over my chest by now? That’s my question for the day.

My cock is sore. I’m avoiding touching it. Ha, ha. No gaydar today, I’m bored with it. (Even if I’m writing nothing more hi-brow than my journals.) My cock hasn’t been played with by anybody else and it now wants to be played with by my sexy Greek boy. Is that too much to ask. Flesh on flesh. All of the above is just foreplay.

Where the fuck is he?

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Getin Toey

Tom called to say he’d be out of hospital tomorrow and that he’d come and get the car then.
It means I can play on gaydar for the rest of the day. Get some boy over. A nice, hard cock to play with. A naked guy, with a nice chest.
The boy in the coffee shop got me going. Blonde, solid, nice arse, self-deprecating smile, nice hips, good solid groin. Yum. Such a sexy boysy shape.
Yes, I’ll be faithful and yes I only have eyes for you. It’s true, so true. Once I’ve had sex with Manny, I don’t think about it again, until I hear his sexy laugh, or see his beautiful face.
This doesn’t usually happen unless Manny has got me going and hasn’t delivered, like the last few nights, for whatever reason.
It’s a paradox. I only want to have sex with Manny and I wish he was here at every one of my sexual whims, but I don’t want a full time relationship. You work it out.

I went and got the paper and a script filled. And a fresh juice and wheat grass.
I saw Shane in Smith Street carrying the newspapers towards home. Although that, of course, would mean a car. We laughed about something inane.

Tom just called to say he doesn’t know when he’s getting out of the hospital and that his parents will be here 12.30-1am.
Bugger.

I just want a bit of male sex. I wish it was Manny, but it isn’t. I wish he’d just come over and get his cock out. But he’s not.
Secret men’s business, perhaps some himbo can come over and get his cock out instead. I want to feel the strength of a hard cock. It’s rejuvenating. A dose of testosterone is good for the soul.

I must remember to stick to my diet. I must admit, I feel a little fat at the moment. I’m not, but I feel it. Is anorexia next?

I’ve put Tom’s car out the front, so I can just pass the key through the front door. If I had some boy here.
I might just go and have a look.

By mid afternoon, I had wanked furiously for hours and had cum twice, watching my DVD disks. Nobody remotely interested me on gaydar, but the idea made my cock hard for hours.
By mid afternoon, I had to stop, take stock and formulate a plan, timetable, to get me out the door in time.
I pulled it together and left the house kind of sore.

Friday, February 27, 2004

Is Manny a sleep?

I took Tom his two j's. Actually, I rolled him 4 and thought that I was doing really well.
Just the four, said Tom. Where’s my dope?
You said to roll a couple…(already I was seeing the error of my way. My birth day, astrologically, is the day of the literalist) …I bought you four. (Big smile.)
Tom just looked at me.
It never occurred to me to bring the whole lot, I said. Well, it didn’t.

I headed straight over to Manny’s. I got there at 9.30. But he didn’t answer his door. He must have gone out, I thought. It didn’t faze me in anyway – I was a little stoned – and I walked to the car thinking I needed petrol. It should have fazed me! Halfway home it occurred to me he could have just been asleep.

I did smoke two j's with Tom.

I had spoken to Manny before I went to the hospital. In fact, my phone ran out of batteries, as I was talking to him. So I’d said to him that I wouldn’t have a phone and he said that was alright and for me to drive straight over there.
I was tired. I had been thinking of an early night, as I drove up Punt Road. I nearly piked, but at Victoria Street I thought, Come on Christian, don’t be like that.

When I got home, there was a missed call on my phone at 9.16, but no message.
It’s 10.45pm and Manny still hasn’t rung.
Should I go on gaydar now?
Nah, I’m whacked after two more j's.
I was half hoping that Manny got bored and went to the Peel. And that he’d arrive here, unexpectedly. But nah.

I’m going to bed.
It’s 23.30.

Manny called when I was in bed. I must have dozed off to sleep. He spoke to Glen after I’d called before going to the hospital. Glen had upset him, telling Manny that he had used him. Which is true. So Manny retreated to bed with his ear plugs in. He didn’t want to hear Glen if he came knocking at the door. But, of course, he didn’t hear me either.
He had called me, but when it answered he remembered that I didn’t have it with me, flat batteries, so he didn’t leave a message.
Manny had got up for a piss and heard my message. He called me with a hard-on; he was horny and wanted me to go over.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Sex talk

I played on gaydar all morning. I could have had a 28 year old Hispanic bottom boy who was going to head over here at 11am.
Or a blond thirty-nine year old gym boy from Essendon.
Or even an Italian boy from…well, I can’t really remember where he was from. Thick cock. Nice arse. But I just couldn't do it. I wanted Manny.
But I knew he wouldn't be home until 3/4pm. I knew his routine. I was too late calling him this morning, he’d already have headed out to the gym.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Jeff Titan

Manny didn’t call until late, saying he was tired and heading to bed. I would have driven over, had I had the urge, or the encouragement. Oh well, I thought.

I'll...? I'll...? I'll entertain myself.

Jeff Titan came around. I was a bit stoned and told him he was handsome. He was a bit pissed and he blushed, under the front porch light.

When we kissed I put my hand on his arse, he blushed and was coy.
I told him we should see more of each other.
He asked how much more did I want to see?
I felt my cheeks burn red when I said what do you want to show me.

We headed to the lounge room. Then Chook came into the room and Jeff and I were still smiling at each other. We just kept going back there every time our eyes connect. I'm sure Jeff had a woody. We both laughed when we sneaked looks for the umpteenth time.

We were asked what the matter was?
We both said nothing.

I tried not to look over at him, as we'd both smile, as he knew I was checking him out. Chook got up and headed out of the room. I slid my hand across the couch very slowly, in the flicker of the television light and our little fingers touched, pulled away and then wrapped around each other.
I think we both held our breath.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Top of the morning to you

Tim
Hi, how are you Mr?
christian


Hey Christian.
I hope the day is progressing beautifully ☺
I've got an early appointment in town tomorrow, can I sleep at yr place tonight?
xT


Sure
christian


I just spoke to D to see how he's going. I visited him in hospital when he had the operation and then nothing. So I thought I should call. He said he goes for walks by G Street and he'd drop in. He walks around 5pm. I said that he could come and visit Jane with me. But he said he didn't think he'd be welcome, not since Jane told him never to stay out of her life.

That's what I'm talking about, about needing new friends, well, new interests, well, people who have interesting things to do and say, not just petty ego boosting nonsense. It just makes me tired all of that sort of bitching and nastiness. (Am I equally as guilty – some may say yes) I'm feeling a little depressed about it all. I feel like life is just too full of boring, pointless crap, to be bothered with too much.


cool i'll see u round 10-11ish i think ☺
xTom


Mark and Luke were down to see Jane in the afternoon.
Mark and I went to visit at 7.30pm. I held Jay. He has lots of hair.
Jane may go home tomorrow.
She still has a big, fat stomach.

Tom came over late, 10pm, after being at Jude and Julian's.
Tom said the reason why Julien Green was Jane's birthing partner was because Julien had said,

"If I'm present at your birth Jane, it may help me to overcome my abandonment issues with my own mother."

I wondered why Jane would choose him over Jude. Mark said it didn't make any sense, Julien instead of Jude. If that is the reason, I’m a little dumbstruck at Julien's selfish only-thinking-about-himself when it came to what was best for Jane. Seemingly, a manipulator to the end.

Tom said that he would imagine that Julien would be getting increasingly desperate at the loss of friends. Tom reasoned that Jane wouldn't put up with it indefinitely either.
Tom arrived at my place with chest pains that did not abate. He also arrived with twif.
Mark and Luke left 1.30am.

Monday, February 23, 2004

Nah mate. Probably not a good idea. She's tired, she needs her rest

Hey Christian.
Hope this finds you fresh and perky ☺
Congrats on becoming a step-grandmother Miss. Well done, not that you really had to do that much comparatively I suppose...
I'm not sure what you meant by the "stress" of it all. I assume that everyone involved is okay now, but what, pray tell, might bigger drama queens than you tell me??
I'm going to try to see Jude when she finishes work – if she's there that is...
Have a great day Miss.
xTom

This was my first email...which I didn’t send.

Subject: Jayday

I'm good, a little tired, bleary-eyed. And I didn't do anything, really.
Jude was shattered when I last saw her, so I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't at work. But I wouldn't presume to talk for her, obviously.
Everyone involved is okay, yes.
You know, it's realy daunting, confusing, upsetting, almost, to watch an adult matter being played out with a cast of children.
And that's about all I really want to say about it all, except to say I'd like to forget the whole sorry affair


This is the email I sent...

Subject: Jayday

I'm good, a little tired, bleary-eyed. And I didn't do anything, really.
Jude was shattered when I last saw her, she hadn't slept for twenty four hours, so I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't at work. But I wouldn't presume to talk for her, obviously.
Everyone involved is okay, yes.
Jane was just exhausted. I held her hand as Mark, Luke and I went into see her.
Well done, miss, I said. And she smiled the wan smile of the over-tired. But she's good, despite being stitched up and a little puffy in the face.


I've got the whole (45 minute) story from Jude.
God, who would have thought birthing could be so fun!
Glad everyone involved is well ☺
Catch you soon Christian ☺
Tom


Happy days, doll. Happy days!
Guess who was of iiinndeesssspppensssiblleee help!
christian


well i bet there's no prize for who that was...
but i heard Julien and Mark completely ignored each other?
Tom


I didn't send this next one. I decided it was time to buy out. I'd said too much already


Not true doll.
All though Julien made himself scarce after first contact.
He ignored all of us. And apparently, Sebastian snarled, although, to tell you the truth I didn't even see Sebastian, although apparently he stood next to me at some stage. Too beige
I got to the stage where I didn't want to talk to anybody.
christian


I hope your day was.
None of the kiddies got killed today ☺
Tom


Huh?
christian


I hope your day was lovely!
Tom


No, I was huh’ing at…none of the kiddies got killed today?
christian


ekky come down doll...
can get ugly...
Tom


My class tonight was at The State Library, How to make a living as a full time writer. So I headed to Subway on Swanston Street opposite. I couldn't begin to describe the amount of food that everyone was ordering in front of me and I only had five minutes to start time. I'll never feel guilty about ordering a "foot long" again. So I headed out into the street to eat it instead of my usual eat in – I often eat Subway, tuna or club, before school. Subway rolls are wrapped tighter than a newly born, the reason I usually eat in, and I was concentrating on the unwrapping as I stepped into Swanston Street, but as I glanced up, for safety sake, I saw Shane out the front of the shop, before I looked back to what I was trying to free from what bound it. He was no doubt attending class at R.M.I.T. I don't know if he saw me, or, if in fact, he saw me see him, but I pretended that I hadn't noticed him. I just wasn't in the mood and I was hurrying to class. Oh well. I kind of hope he didn't see me. I hope he was otherwise distracted too.

I think I'm more affected by the saga of the last few days than I realise. Julien and Sebastian and Jude and Julian and Andy... it was all crap. I feel kind of depressed by it all; the breakdown of friendships, the pathetic machinations of those who use others, the fears and paranoia’s of the addled and the dumb, the egos, the selfishness, the crap. It really makes me feel like I'd like to wipe the lot, although probably, I'm probably the one who is already wiped in most of their eyes. So lets stop pretending, I think. Perhaps, I should just move on. There is a time for everything and I think this time is over.

I spoke to Mark after I got home and he hadn't been into visit Jane, as Andy is playing guard dog on the phone.
"I was going to come in and visit Jane," said Mark
"Nah mate. Probably not a good idea. She's tired, she needs her rest."
Perhaps, we should all just but out.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Joy to the fucking world

Doll, what happened to you last night? You never showed up.
I pulled a pair of Tim's jocks out of my underwear draw this morning, as I was getting dressed to go to lunch. I decided to wear them, maybe they'll make me feel 6.1, tall, dark and handsome all day.
Big smile.
christian


Hey Christian.
I stayed at Perry's for S's b'day until about 8, then dropped into the sauna on the way home, and got in just before 12.
Has Jane had her baby? Is it a boy or a girl?
xTom


I left about 11am to have lunch with Jill.
I went to mum’s and had a cup of tea with her.

Mary and Luke and Mary and Marion arrived as Jane was in labour. Jay, a boy, was born just after 8.30pm.
Everybody behaved badly.

Mary called to say that she hadn't been able to get in contact with Jane, so he called the hospital and found out that Jane was in. (Later, he said that he was pleased that Jude had called him.
I'd just got home from mum's, Mark said that he and Luke would be there in 50 minutes.
Mary's sister Marion called to ask for Mary’s mobile, as Mary wanted to speak to him before they went to the hospital. I couldn't find Mark's mobile number so Mary decided she'd come to my place instead, as Mark was on his way too.

Coincidentally, they all arrived together.

Mary appeared fragile, I wasn't sure why. I thought it was the nerves of an expectant grandmother.
Mark, Mary and Marion left for the Mercy together. Luke and I waited behind.
Luke and I fed the fish and chatted for a while. Mark called to say that it wouldn't be long. I said to him to call when it had arrived and then we'd come over. But, Luke and I decided that we were only waiting anyway, so we thought we might as well wait at the hospital as wait at home.


Tom
The baby’s here, or should be by the time you read this. We’ve gone to the hospital, sweetie. (Mercy)
Christian


Jane was having a hard time, Julien and Andy were her birthing partners. Julien and Jude were waiting, as they had since 3am in the morning, dead tired, unable to speak, practically.
Mary was cross, not nervous. The last conversation she’d had with Jane they had argued. And Mary hates Andy, something I wasn’t aware of previously.
We waited and waited with no word.
Then the nurses were wheeling a crib and Andy was walking beside it, looking like a rabbit caught in headlights.
Jay needed oxygen, he’d been in the birthing canal too long, but from all reports he was okay.
Andy acted like a child and stressed to the max was insisting that he didn’t want his kid in a box – the humidy crib.
“Get me kid out of the box. Get me kid out of the box,” he said to the nurses through gritted teeth.
And when Mary came in he got really angst ridden and started saying. “I don’t want all of these people in here. Get all the people out. Get all the people out.” Clearly, Andy knows how Mary feels about him.
At which point Mary said, “It’s okay, I’ll go.”
Andy was the quintessential straight boy that he is, letting his paranoia’s and fears over-ore any semblance of sense.

Julien came out like Googie Gomez, straight after opening night. Huge smile. Oh yes, everything went just fine. Jane's fine, the babies fine and yes, I'm just fine too. Hand wave of the face. It was such a wonderful experience for me, amazing. I don't think I'll ever be the same. It has chaaanggeed myyyyy – did I say me, my – life. Hand wave. I'm so amazed. I couldn't have imagined it would be quite so wonderful. Oh but I'm exhausted. I've been in there for hours. So draining. So amazing. But I'm fine, don't worry. A short nap, a couple of days and I'll be just fine. Thank you for coming, you've made it all the more joyous for me. I don't think I'll ever be the same. But, I see I have more people waiting. Hand wave of the face. So if you'll excuse me, I can see that they are all waiting in the other room for meeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enhancement suspected.

It was a circus, all the children, and I mean children, were there for themselves, so it seemed.
I couldn’t help feeling like I was intruding into something where I wasn’t wanted. I wish I hadn’t gone to the hospital.


Christian
Okay. ☺ Email me, let me know if it is a boy or a girl. ☺
Tom


Tom
Jane had a baby boy, Jay. She had a hard time during the birth, as he is a big kid. Big head, took a long time in the birthing canal. Big feet too, apparently.
It was all very weird. I left with the feeling of being zoned out, lots of tension, but I'm sure you'll hear all about it from bigger drama queens than me.
I'm going to bed.
Joy to the fucking world.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

I’d worn Manny out, he was buggered... smile

Tom and I went out last night, to the Laird. We did speed and I did the last of my marijuana and we did alcohol. Tom was meeting some of the gaydar boys, Flash, Jet, etc. Nice boys, them seemed. But, I was too smashed by that stage, too blank, too receded back into my own head. I’m a boring bastard, they must have tough I was a boring bastard, as I mutely watched on, incapable. And I am. I’m crap at the small talk thing. I’m too shy, or too slow or too affected…it’s a fuck. I wish I was much better at it.

We came home at midnight. Tom blasted speed and then went to 80.

I woke at 7am, can’t sleep in now-a-days. Bugger! I read the newspaper and ate muesli.
Tom got home at 8.30am. And went to bed.
I went on line with gaydar and got chatting to James T. We spoke on the phone after that for an hour.
At midday I went to get cigarettes. I was hanging, having none but a few rollies that Tom gave me, from late last night.

Jamie said he might pop over later. He’s a gorgeous boy, hot little bottom. He talked about when we first met. In that big three story house, it was like something out of Eyes Wide Shut, something going on in a every room, as I walked past, he said. Dean fucked me for the first time in that house. He was so full on, the bed hit all the walls before I had to tell him to stop. Just too much. I was an innocent boy. They were amazing times.
As much as I’d like to fuck Jamie – he’s such a cute boy – it’s still the flirting I like best. That’s better than him coming over, really.

SMS. 12.17pm. Hello u. Got something 2 tell u which will make u laugh…call me at home when u can – Rachel

Rachel went to the fridge and a bowl slid out and hit her second toe. She lay down and it took ages to stop bleeding. And when she stood up again, it just started bleeding all over again.
She ended up in the Alfred having it operated on. She severed the tendon and had to have it reconnected. She didn’t want a general anaesthetic – I’ve got 4 kids. And she wanted to watch, which stop the entire theatre staff dead in their tracks. Not something people usually wanted to watch. But the mirror was broken when they went to get it.
I hope that’s not significant in the luck department, Rachel said.
She’s off her feet for six weeks.

Manny called. He was going to look at a shop that closes at 4pm with Michael. Then Michael was going to his gym in the city, so Michael would drop Manny off in the city.
He’d be here at 5pm.
We hired Ripley’s Game, don't like John M in the title role. They should have stuck with Matt D. And then we watched some of Mrs Doubtfire. Oh really... ug... Hollywood. I’d worn Manny out, he was buggered. (Not actually literally, although close. Lying naked face down on my bed. Yum, yum.)
I drove him home.

SMS. 11pm. (I was driving Manny home) I’m coming back to your place tonight – Tom

Friday, February 20, 2004

Tell him I'll smack him in the throat

Morning Miss.
I hope you had a gorgeous walk into Town today.
I'm getting some twitch for the weekend and you're going to e mildly twicthy tonight.
No arguments!
xT


I'm scratching already doll... till tonight
My walk to work was exhausting... models in singlets, everywhere. Chests out to here, legs up to here, waists this big! (Not to mention the fair proportion with olive skin, brown eyes and black hair...) didn't know where to look. There's one thing to be said about the summer, it brings the cuties out.
Not to mention my more-than-a-passing day dream about Tony, for whatever reason, playing in my head all at the same time, as I sauntered in. (I don't know why, but I was sure I was going to see him around Elizabeth Street. Hi! I hope you aren't misbehaving too much. Good to see you. I don't suppose I'll see you again, now that Tim has moved out?
I should come around one night, hey?)
Big smile.
It's nice to get in here where there aren't any windows. He, he.
christian


Why aren’t there any windows open??
That, tony, you know that you *will* run into him one day, and that is probably what will happen.
Tim will still kill you tho. :)
Love ya
Tom


I have no windows in my office. It's a cell, I tell you. Talk about going from the sublime (43rd floor corner office with panoramic views) to the ridiculous (a small fragment of a rat maze)
Tim, s'mim, I'm not afraid. And when I'm right on it, with it's satiny skin and its proud Italian heritage... it'll be Tim who? (Usual denial principals apply)
Besides, Tim will forgive me, anyway. Probably. Eventually. Nervous smile.


God i love that aircon!
Tom


And it will be lovely. Lazy morning, looking across Tony's chest, through my balcony doors, as the sun comes up.
christian


Yes you're right, he probably will forgive in the fullness of time... a very long time...
I've got a date with that cute perky little Jason next Saturday night! YAY ☺
xT


So how do manage to bump into him, just like that? I suppose I should just leave it up to fate?
christian


yes fate or when/if I see him at 80, I call you immediately!
christian


D says i should *whack* you...
Tom


Tell D to do his own whacking, the big girl. (Or do you mean...) Tell him I'll smack him in the throat.
christian


yes i do mean....
i dont think he meant hitting, but by all means slap his swollen pus fileld throat.
Tom


Just quietly, "that's" probably what's turned him into the monster that he is today!
christian


see you a bit after 7!
wooosh!'

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Yes you're coming with me, it will be fun...

Miss,
No good morning this morning? I sob, I cry, alack and alas!
Seriously, did Twiffy leave a bit of cotton in your head this morning?
How are you feeling?
I'm going to Joey's 4X4 party on Saturday night, followed by Sheryn's 59th.
Crazy hey :)
xTom


Ground coffee did no good. A long hot shower did no good. Standing very still in the kitchen did no good. Woops, ready... leave the house, leave the house... Oh, er... yes, leave the house.
Vague?
christian


What's a 4x4 party?
christian


a party that joey has in his backyard in preston...very boyzy apparently...
do you wanna go, i think D has a ticket...
i'll forward something to ya
Tom

Subject: 4x4

here's the info Christian...
Tom

--- Shane Wilson wrote:
Subject: FW: 4x4
Date: Thu, 19 Feb 2004 09:44:28 +1100
From: "Shane Wilson"
To: "Tom de Brant"

Hi Tom,
Info about the $ X $ party.
Shane.

Only a few days to go....!
Looking forward to seeing you all there.

** Don't forget you ticket on the night. No invite no entry. This is
strictly an invitation only party. There will be security on the door.
Anyone without an invite will be turned away. This party is for friends
of the 4x4 crew
** Note there will be a $5 donation required. If you can have a $5 note/
coins on the night that would really help us out.
This money is going to the cancer institute as a gift..
** It is a BYO function. There is a bottle shop near the house on High
Street. Water bottles will be provided.
** If your driving...there is parking at Hungry Jacks on High Street or
in any of the side streets. Lunette Avenue is a short street so don't
park in that street. Taxi's are easily found on High Street at the end
of the night.
** The Punch provided on the night contains many things. If in question
please ASK before drinking it!
See all 200 off you on the dance floor...alias "the court yard"!
xxx
4x4 crew


11.11
(To M and L)


11,11
(to M and L)
Oops. Mornin. Lovely day. Big smile.
christian


Howdy Chriso,
How are you on this lovely day? Sorry to hear about Red hey! What a bummer!
L


I'm good. Enjoyed the sunshine at lunch time.
You know, Red hasn't eaten all week, but he seems to be okay, in fact, maybe even a little healthier. Don't know about the food though, maybe he's eating the cat next door's food, or something. A change in diet would explain his constipation, maybe.
I don't know, but he seemed to look quite healthy last night.
christian



4x4
Hmmm?
christian


u need to be more specific than that
Tom


Too "B" Team for me doll.
christian


fair enough
Tom


Miss.
Can I interest you in an early-ish (round 9-9.30) drink at the Laird tomorrow night.
I'm meeting a couple of funny dudes from gaydar...
xT


Maybe.
Probably.
Most likely.
christian


Yes you're coming with me, it will be fun...
Stern enough for you Miss?
xT


Oh, yes. Okay then.
christian


You better believe it!
And I think I'm going to visit Steve and I'm going to give u just a little and u will have it with no complaints!
Tom


Manny came into see me at work today. He looked hot all dressed in back. He said it was a shame that I was going to my mothers, he said he wouldn’t mind getting messed up.


I went to mum’s for dinner. We looked at serviettes and lace. Some of them were beautiful. But more tat I don’t need. Mum’s keen to off load it though.
We were talking about Auntie D and Howard and how Jillian is now a qualified kindergarten teacher. I heard mum say to herself as she went to the fridge. Aunty D’s daughter is… Jillian... er…Yes, Jillian.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Yelling at the bums... and licking them

I got on the tram to come home from the city, with Manny. Just after we got in an aboriginal boy asked Manny for money. Manny told the Aboriginal boy that he didn't work. The guy replied that Manny was all dolled up, how could he not work. (He's gay) Manny asked him what he meant. And neither of them understood the other momentarily, innocently. So the kid walked off.
Manny asked me what the kid, all 6.2 of him, had said.
You look dolled up...er...doll. Dressed up.
Manny comprehended and then said, Perhaps I should have told him I was gay.
I don't think that would have helped, I said.
And we both laughed.
Sitting behind us was the aboriginal kids moll.
She turned around, in her toothless glory and said, Don't you go making fun of him, he's just trying to make the fare.
We weren't talking about him, I said.
She dismissed me, as though I was just another whitey lying to an aboriginal, yet again.
And I thought, no fuck you. You are wrong! I snapped. We were not talking about him.
She wailed something.
What? I demanded.
She smiled and said, Sorry, I was talking to him.
I turned around to see the 6.2 kid standing over me. Come on, we can get off, he said to her.
So, I'm screaming at Aboriginals on public transport now.

Although I have devised the perfect way of getting away from the people who ask me for cigarettes in the street. I say that it was my last one, shrug. Sorry. Or, I only came down from the office with one cigarette. Smile. If I'm not smoking, I simply say that I don't smoke. Sorry mate, never touch 'em.
Nobody gets hurt, but everyone becomes a little harder because of it. Er... no. It seems to be heading in the wrong direction. Sometimes I feel myself look away, not even acknowledging the beggars existence. There seems to be more people in the street asking for money. There seems to be no shame in it, anymore. (Not that there should be shame – Tom tells me that a good beggar can make one hundred and fifty dollars a day – but you get what I mean). Us and them is tangible. A physical manifestation. I can reach out any day and touch it.

How did we suddenly get the poor street people?
Thank you Mr. Howard.
Is this phenomenon built into conservative politicians tax policy? I wouldn't be surprised.

I was still sucking Manny' cock when Kym sms'd to say she was on her way for dinner.
When will she be here?
She didn’t say. Kiss me.
How long will she be?
I don’t know, she didn’t say where she was. Come here.
Is she coming here, or meeting you at the café?
She didn’t say. Give me your cock! She just said she was on her way.
I hurriedly called her to say I'd meet her at Cocos in half an hour.

So if I guessed that you were otherwise engaged, said Kym with a smile, as I sat before her half an hour later.
You’d be right, I said. Not being able to stifle my smile.
Big smile.

And if I logged onto gaydar, I'd most probably have a date to go screw the delectable James T.
Oh, James has been around for ages. He went out with Dean (are you cured yet?) for a while, at some stage. Was a hairdresser. He's half-Italian. Cute. Little and nuggety. Enthusiastic bottom. Eyebrows up.
He worked at 80 for a minute. He gave me his phone number there one night and I never got it. Too stoned. In the pocket. Staggered off. Never thought about it again.
We did it once, but the two of us were so out of it that neither of us can remember it. (Big weekend in G Street, many years past) We figure we should have a refresher.
Might even introduce him to Manny. I'd like to see those two going at each other. (But at what cost, what monster doth we create?) Rutting like dogs. I've got precum.

But you know something, I've still got dope and I'd much rather stay home with it. Who can be bothered with all of that hoo-ha. Nice cup of tea.
You should see Manny sitting back on his haunches, naked. Smirk.

My first class on Monday night had its share of freaks. All, Jesus, forty-six of them. Them renovations must have cost a pretty penny. What's with all of these people, I though barely being able to see from the back? Late, natch.
Oh Universe I hope a lot of them drop out like every one has knowingly nodded sage-like. Give it a few weeks, everyone has said.
Oh bugger, I've got to become all studenty again.
And I've been off the dope all through the holidays. Go figure.

Hey mate, said the young kid in Gertrude Street this morning, as I ran for a tram, cigarette in my mouth, my cigarettes in my hand.
Can you spare a cigarette?
Yeah sure, here, I said.
(Pretty twenty-year-old guy)
And now, I’m so ripped I can barely stand up.
Happy days!

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Dinner was nice

Hello Miss.
I trust your Monday was lovely and that your Tuesday is even better ☺
xT


Mornin' Manky Miss
Christian


manky????
skanky????
pranky???
Tom


It's a Josh Galeism... pretty high up the complimentary totem, just quietly
christian


well thats alright then
Tom


Tom
I emailed the Josh scally-wag last night, after being called a dirty dog (A dirty dog!) (second message) for not calling him back. Twice. How busy do you have to be not to be able to email, I ask you?
I was late to work, after dropping my car off in Altona. It's the boonies, let me just tell ya. All though sunny with a faint waft of salt-air in the...er... air.
I slept in. What a morning to get up at 8am. Bugger!
And all I've done so far is write emails. Lovely.
Dinner with Kym tonight.
christian


But I did play up, last night. An old root, just happened to call out of the blue. And I'd just told Manny I was off to bed. Tim said he was hungry and in need of a feed. So I was in Thornbury until 2am.
And maybe a date tomorrow night with James T.


enjoy dinner have a great day
Tom


Kym
You know missy, I'm so brilliant sometimes that it even scares me. This morning at the mechanic (at 10am, but that's another story) as quick as a flash, I said to Phil, Actually Phil, I don't want to pick the car up until tomorrow.
Rightio, Phil said.
So there you go, problem solved.
christian


Hey Miss.
Hope yr dinner was just loverly :)
xT


Dinner was nice. We sat outside at Cocos and drank wine. It was lovely.
christian


sounds beautiful, tho its a chilly nite in dingaling…
Tom

Monday, February 16, 2004

Sad shut-in queen with cat

Morning Miss.
i slept like a babe until 5.45am – how loverly... I wonder how the B-team went ☺ And how are you this fine day Miss?
xTom


I was up at 6.45am. Lovely morning.
What were the B-team up to, to wonder how they went with it?
I'm gorgeous. A little too much coffee already, but gorgeous none the less.
christian


Kym
So have we confirmed for dinner tomorrow night?
I have to pick my car up in Altona after work, which means I will be present and accounted for for about 7'ish, 7.30. But I won't be able to make it any earlier, I don't reckon.
christian


I tried this email to everyone about Red. But reading it back, it just sounded like a sad cry for help. Which of course, it isn’t. But I decided not to send it anyway.

Subject: Red

It appears to me since yesterday, that Red's health is taking a considerable turn for the worse. I think it would be fair to say that the grand old man has started his journey off this planet. So, if anyone feels like they would like to, of course nobody might want to, but so many people do ask after him on a regular basis. So, if anyone wanted to say good bye to him, now would probably be a good time. I'm not saying that it is immanent, but I think it's going to be sooner than later.
All marijuana privileges have been restored.
christian

Sad shut-in queen with cat.

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Nice young boy. Shame.


I got a lovely phone message on my answering machine from Josh Gale. He's a notorious tight arse, so he must be sad, or lonely, maybe both. Is that too cynical?

You know, right about now, I can't really afford to call overseas. On my own and all. So, I'll just have to email back, hey?

How busy is he, anyway? Or sad? Or lonely?

It's been 41 degrees here for two days. And it's forty three degrees in Adelaide, as I type. Try getting enthusiastic about anything, after that.

Although I have been reintroduced to the pleasures of the good herb, since Friday - and he was doing so well, said Marion to Brenda, over the back fence. Nice young boy. Shame. So I have been easing myself through as best I can.

Blanche, it sure is god damned hot in here. (When I asked Tom what was the male characters name in A Streetcar Named Desire, he smiled and said, I'm referring back to the Simpsons, you understand.)

Tom is now standing in the middle of the lounge room shouting, If I'm going to smoke, so is everybody! But of course, we’d expect nothing less. What’s good for Tom is, er, um, good for Tom.

I had to race Red off for a hycalonic in the middle of all this heat and smoking. Don't ya think I was wonky in the surgery in the Bundoora emergency care Veterinarian? You bet ya! I felt cross-eyed as the good doctor discussed, what seems like, maybe, time catching up with dear Red. I'm choosing not to believe that there is anything wrong with him, of course. Complete denial, you understand.

And I need it for the pain, mam! (Southern accent) I just needed a puff for the pain.


Saturday, February 14, 2004

Same old Tom

SMS. 19.46. Do you have a needle anywhere? – Tom

Friday, February 13, 2004

A machine that dispenses toasted sandwiches

Goodenss Miss your Mum was right! Maybe it's us that should be put into a nursing home ☺
Have a loverly day I'll give D yer love.
xT


Mornin. Give Happy a slap from me.
christian


Tom and I decided last night that a good nickname for D is Happy.
Mum told me at dinner that John Winston had done a backflip on pollies super. Tom and I decided it was another example of her losing the plot.


Afternoon Miss.
I hope your day is progressing well.
D gratefully received your love, and unfortunately didn't bring his mobile phone to the hospital, so all those lovely messages will be awaiting him at home. I thought about not saying anything but I couldn't do it.
D is looking very well, I could almost say the best I've seen him in ages, but that could sound like I'm trying to be insulting, which I'm not.
He's smiling, laughing, walking, cracking jokes, and was just lovely.
He's a little concerned about some kind of mix up that happened in theatre where a syringe (needle-less) was shared between him and another patient. They haven't told him yet on whom it was used first, they just explained the situation, took lots of blood, and will tell him more when the get the test results. I would imagine the other unfortunate has just had triple combination HIV therapy added to his/her drug list...
But D's cool, he hasn't been put on anything extra and if anything *did* happen, then as he said, "It's not my fault".
He laughed when I told him about the SMS to Shane about his windpipe. When he asked Shane's response and I said "Silence," he laughed even more. He laughed (although not quite as hard as before I must admit), about my spreading the rumour of his death by lung cancer (at this moment I wish I had Julian Morris' phone number; I wonder if he's on Shane's list). But laughed nonetheless :)
I *was* wrong to "threaten" that parent with the police station, my boss Angela has informed me. She's going to call him and talk to him about it, and apologise on behalf of the Centre. On behalf of the centre?
She also pointed out to me kindly but firmly that if anyone was going to talk to Antonio, it should have been her, and that if, in the future, I have a problem with any particular parent and the smooth running of the centre, she'd really appreciate it if I talked to her about it.
So there you go Doll, been instructed not to beat myself up about it and that it's fine, but told gently that I had overstepped.
Can I have a roid rage after only one day?
Who knows who cares, it feels fabulous!
And I bet Antonio isn't late EVERY day now as well...
Anyway Miss, a joint in the sun calls me. and I must away.
Have a lovely weekend, and perhaps I shall see you Sunday.
Give my love to the Hags.
*cheeky grin*
Tom


SMS. 17.56. R u doing anything tonite? David Monsoon, Harry Whit & Chris r coming 4 dinner, if u could stand it…tee hee. – Rachel
SMS. 18.10. Thanks all the same… You didn’t tell me that Adam was having a commit ceremony, you kept that very quiet. Sad bastard! – christian

I was stoned after that. Stupid me. Let’s go fuzzy. I wanted to visit D and I wanted to go to Bolago.
I’ll go visit D…and then come back and get my stuff.
No that’s stupid. Oh I just can’t face getting my shit together. Go see D and come back.
Go out to the car.
It would only take, what, five minutes? Walk back to the back door. I can’t be bothered.
No, go inside.
Phone rings. Get distracted talking for a while.
Now what was I doing? Go visit D. Go out to the car.
No, that’s stupid. Get you stuff. turn around walk back inside.
There might have been one more
D was out of that hospital bed and in his dressing gown in two seconds flat, after I produced the joint. Good on ya luv, he said with his drag-queen husky voice.
We smoked pot as we gazed at a machine that dispensed toasted sandwiches and wondered what they’d be like. Who’d ever heard of such a thing?

SMS. 20.25. They are reloading the toasted machine. They will be fresh! – Shane sent back after he left.
We remained unconvinced.

I got my stuff. Saw D. And got to Bolago around 10pm. Not bad.

Cousin David was there.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Let's convert the $50 I owe you into dope as a back to school treat

Up at 6.30am. What is it they say, the older you get the less sleep you need.
I dreamt about a girl who’s nose I’d broken and she was after me with a knife. If I fell asleep she was going to get me, so I had to stay awake. I’m sure we were in some tropical environment. I decided that I had to kill her to save my life. Punch her so hard. It would be self-defence.

And then I dreamt about a party, with family. Pat Denton was there and Auntie Marg and Rick Duncan and Mark and I think Barbara A, who were all sitting outside by the pool.
Inside, there were a group of people. One young guy in tiny shorts was kissing his girlfriend, during which time his cock came out of his pants. It was so hard and his shorts so small he couldn’t get it back in, so he just sat there with it in his hand, laughing. It was huge.

I woke up to a message on the answering machine from Josh Gale. He said he’d called to chat to me before I went to work. He said he was so busy he didn’t have time to email. So he’d called to chat instead. You know, I really can’t afford to call him back.

The Little Red Man

Gisbourne Street and Albert Street. Morning. Peak hour.
A pedestrian runs across the lights as the little man turns red. A car turning right continues to make it's turn despite the pedestrian. It turns slightly wider to miss the man.
"You stupid bitch," yells the man and he swings his brief case which hits the back panel of the car.
The woman driver pulls over and gets out of her car to inspect it. There is a dent in the panel work.
The pedestrian walks along the footpath toward her.
"I want your name and phone number."
"I want you to obey the road laws, but as we've just witnessed you don't always get want you want." He says dismissively as he continues past her car.
She runs around the front of her can and grabs him by the arm.
"I want your name. My car is damaged."
"Listen here rat-face, if you don't let go of my arm I will have you charged with assault."
She lets go.
"You were walking against the red man."
"I suggest you read up on your road laws."
"You have wilfully damaged my car."
"It was self-defence, you tried to run me down."
"I'm calling the police."
"Go for your life." He turns to walk away."
"I want you name..."
"You can whistle Dixie. And you'll be lucky if your not charged with dangerous driving. I may report you..."
"I'm not giving you my name."
He looks at the front number plate. "SDT 001."
"It's not my car."
The pedestrian steps toward her. "You know something, that's the wonderful thing about the twenty first century. Self-centred, selfish and who gives a damn about the next bloke, mate. If in fact that is true, which I doubt, all I have to do is threaten the driver with dangerous driving charges and he'll whistle like a bird."
"It's my husbands car."
"Jesus, dumb as well as ugly."


mOrning Miss.
Dan's not Italian at all – you were right.
he doesn't know why I thought he was.
xT


No word from the "real" daniel yet...
Tom


SMS. 11.30am. Good luck Miss. I’m thinking of you – christian


Did D go to Hossy?
I sent him a text message. Not sure if he can have mobile's in Hossy. Why I didn't call him last night, I don't know. It never occurred to me. I'm a bit slow sometimes. But after 3 bourbons and two wines... eeeeee!
christian


Remember, I can spot an Italian at 1000 metres. Can sniff them out over less.
christian


he is under the knife as we speak Miss...
dont expect a text back today :)
Tom


Oh well. It will be a lovely message for him when he comes too. (I suppose) (A bit late, but hey?)
☺ christian


That damned Daniel did indeed cancel on me.
That's twice!
I'm deleting him ☺
Oh the sun is lovely, and I've been to Parkmore to get some summer bargains!
Yay!
xTom


If they can't put in an appearance... a minimum requirement, I would have thought.
The there is a whole list of them only as far as your computer.
☺ christian


Kym
Now where was I? 5.30pm. Going home. Get back to you the next day. First thing, did I say? Gosh doesn't time fly?
So how is my favourite writer?
I'm well, chopper... no, I've got both my ears... chipper! Astoundingly good! Well, I'm okay, I just thought astounding sounded... um ... grand.
I'm living on my own now a days and it is fabulous. I had a sneaking suspicion, after all these years, that perhaps I wouldn't like it. Be lonely rattling around in the old house. But no such luck... er... situation... um... I'm not. I lerve it.
So write and tell me all the news and the dates for when we are going to meet up for ciggies and wine. We can have dinner at my place? But I'm not going to cook, you understand. Oh... um... am I really writing this... I suppose I could cook. I can you know. Cook, that is. It's just that I don't much like it. Unless, you want cake. I'm good with... enjoy cooking cakes. We could have a selection of cakes for dinner. What do you think?
Mm!
Back to school next week. Have you got your pencils and writing pads packed?
christian


How very splendid to hear from you. Mmmm...living on your own...I've got my eyes closed imagining the serenity of it all.
And, YUM, cake for tea. How absolutely marvellous. Or we could eat out, or have fish and chips in,or...I'm open to, well, anything really. And as for when...now let me see, I could come over every night and get fat(ter) on cake and blacken my lungs with smoke and have splendidly stupid arguments with my boyfriend about that and drink wine and...but then where would all your serenity be? So any time is good for me. I have nothing coming up. How about next week? What day/s do you study (coz that wouldn't be a good day to be at your place, you not being there and all). Let me know.
And no, I don't have my bag packed for school because they won't let me start until half way through the year, dammit! Monstrously unfair of them.
☺ Kym


Kym
Oh, what day you say. Er... (Edna Everage face)... what day I say? Hmmm? Drat! I've no idea. Bother! So, maybe you had just better come over every day to check if I am home. And since I have no idea when the schoolie thing starts, there's a good chance I'll be home.
How terribly tedious of me, as I thought I could give you a pick at my... um, no ... lets not be gross... free calendar. (If you guessed the missing word as scab, you get 10 points)
☺ christian


Okay,
So Tuesday evening it is then (unless you find you've got school things to do). I haven't had a ciggie for 8 days now, or 192 hours or 11,520 minutes or...(but who's counting). By next Tuesday I'll be a fortnight without nicotine - reckon I'll probably need some by then. Anyway, let me know if Tuesday works for you. I'll turn up at your place and we can decide on the eating option then (unless of course you need to know in advance whether to whip out your apron and whip up a cake).
I'm feeling very happy (about visiting you that is)
Seeya
Kym

SMS. 15.29. D is in recovery from his operation and it appears that all went well – Shane
SMS. 16.06. D died on the operating table, he had undiagnosed lung cancer – Tom
SMS. 16.07. Sorry, only joking he is in recovery – Tom
SMS. 16.10. You just know I’m going to forward that message – christian
SMS. 16.12. To D I hope! – Tom
SMS. 16.15. A-ha – christian
SMS. 16.20. Forwarded message. D died on the operating table, he had undiagnosed lung cancer, Tom – christian
SMS. 16.25. Forwarded message. Sorry, only joking he is in recovery, Tom – christian
SMS. 16.45. I hope that wasn’t a mistake – christian
SMS. 16.46. Oh, D’s got a good sense of humour? Nervous smile – christian
SMS. 17.15. I’m sure he’d laugh – Tom


I went to mum’s for dinner. When I was there, Tom called me to suggest that he could convert the fifty dollars that he has owed me for weeks into dope as a small back to school treat.
I relied, you know I’m as weak as piss when it comes to dope, yes, count me in.
I met him afterwards and we smoked dope and chatted into the night.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Drinks @ 7

Hi ya
Tom is going to come for drinks tonight too, I thought that would be all right.
christian


That would be great – look forward to seeing you both!
Tim


Me too! That's you and not the both of us. He, he, he.
christian


Hi – Will be there at about 7pm.
Tim


Cool, I will too.
christian


Afternoon Miss.
Well isn't it a drenchy kind of day.
Oh well, hopefully it will change soon...
The Doc had no problem at all with roiding me up. In fact, he insisted that I begin immediately! And being the compliant patient that I am....
But enough about me, let's talk about D.
He's having his operation tomorrow. They're going in the front way, gently removing the voice box and pushing aside the oesophogeous, tio hack away at the danged disc.
They are holding the two vertabrae together with a piece of cow bone, so, from tomorrow on, when we call D a cow, it will be at least partially true.
Then he hopes to be discharged by Saturday.
Very quick I think!
Anyway Miss, hope your day is progressing beautifully.
xT


Oo! Yuk!
AH!!!!!!!
Squirm, wriggle, hand of mouth in disbelief.
Don't forget drinks tonight.
christian


I just got back from lunch. I did my normal stare at George the son of the owners, or should that read the youngest of the owners. Beautiful Greek boy. Dark, gorgeous. When he comes walking over to collect dirty plates from the tables, i can't help myself but stare at him... his bulge.

There was also a beautiful Asian boy who I noticed as he was leaving the cafe. My eyes must have followed him intently – I never think that anyone notices what I'm doing or who I'm looking at – as his followed mine and as he got to the door he raised his eyebrows and gave me the most beautiful smile.

I had drinks with Tim and Tom and Helen, at the Builders. Terry was at work.
Tim and I came home here and watched reality tv shows and ordered ribs, until Terry picked him up around 11pm, after he’d finished work.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

never heard that rumour

Miss!
I stand corrected – the PBS pricing system stays, but drub manufacturers get to appeal to a new body if their drugs aren't listed.
You know what that means don't you?
FREE VIAGRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
xTom


Morning Missy
You're in a chipper mood this morning.
Free V... watch out Daniel, watch out Dan. Watch out Wesley... er... I might be projecting there.
christian


Hmm speaking of Trashley I think I shall visit them tonight...
☺ Tom


If you do, how do you feel about taking those DVD's back, with a lovely thank you from me ☺
christian


Actually, I wasn’t going to go to your place until after I had seen Perry and Wesley.
Tom


No, don't worry. I'll take them back then. I should anyway, when I think about it.
christian


Miss!
I have a rematch date with the lovely Jason in a three weekends time.
Yummy!
Now, I must remember to take that ol' Valtrex prophylactically!
;-)
xTom


Which rumour would that be, doll?
christian


the rumour that I have no life, doll
Tom


never heard that rumour
christian

Monday, February 09, 2004

It was dark at 6am, let me tell you. It felt like the middle of the night

It was dark at 6am, let me tell you. It felt like the middle of the night.
The car went fine, ran like clock work you may say. So that was good. No alloy wheels missing this morning. Thanks for offering to help. You’re a real pal.

And with nobody at work at this time, I could easily print out the bits of my novel that I worked on over the weekend. Pretty good huh. (I wonder if IT will ever notice) It’s only taken me all holidays to get it, but at least I have. Back to school next week though, I do believe. Best not miss my first week, as I’ve been known to do.
You have a lovely day.


Morning ☺
Glad the car worked okay.
You have a great day too, y’hear?
xT


Whatever that sick bitch Terry used the dunny paper for, it’s over for your house now ☺
Tom


No wonder the little bastard had such a curvaceous butt! All that padding.
christian


Not on gaydar, mate? I am surprised.
christian


Two things Doll.
1: I work for a living
2: Contrary to rumour, I do have a life :)
Was it just me, or was Justin (Queer as Folk) looking very Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tonight?
xT


My car is fixed, it only had moisture in the computer. They dried it out and it’s fine.

I went over to Manny’s, so we could talk. I felt like I was sneaking around. I felt like I was cheating with my own boyfriend, if you get what I mean. We had sex.
I’m not made for this.
Neither is Manny, really.
Bloody hell. If – and when – Glen turns up there will be a scene.
How does Manny think Glen will react, he has made certain agreements with Glen.
Apparently, I’m totally banned. I can’t even see Manny as a friend. I’m too much of a threat to Glen.
Yeah well, good on ya.
I don’t think I can do this. Not for long anyway. Manny will have to tell him.
Manny seems to think that Glen will get sick of him.
And there was the two of us last night, together in our duplicity.
Poor Glen


Delete that old address would you… the Rachelj@ppol.com.au one.
Now it’s your turn to call.
Don’t believe Red is deaf, its just that he doesn’t want to listen to you any longer!
Rachel

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Manny called me late to say that he’d got himself into an awful problem

Up at 7am.

I dreamt about double crossing crime families, those Italian types in pin striped suits and dark eyes. We had all sorts of schemes, but one by one they failed, as Gino and Mario and Luigi out smarted us.  We went to the head crime families house in the end, which was an island hut, reminiscent of Bali, – despite the fact I’ve never been – which was kind of open for viewing, like a display hut. We stole there in the night in a small boat. Some girl, and I, were going to steal a prized painting, I think it was a Picasso. But there was someone there watching, in the shadows. We saw them before they saw us... foiled again. So we left, and as we did, I was dressed as a woman in high heels.


(Tom)
Doll, do you remember commenting on the recycled toilet paper that I bought? Well, that was at least a week ago and I still have all six rolls, even if three of them are half used.
christian


(Rachel)
Red's deaf. You can talk all you want, but he won’t hear you.
christian


7pm.

I’ve stayed home all weekend on my own. I haven’t seen anyone and nobody has wanted to see me. That’s actually not true, but that’s how I’ve felt. Alone. Happily alone. It’s a danger for me because I like being on my own. I like shutting the world out and being on my own. I don’t seem to need someone here with me.
I cancelled my mum sighting food poisoning from Friday night. I think, I just have to lay down and be still mum. To recover. Which only makes me feel bad because she’s lonely, she doesn’t want to be on her own. And here am I being selfish enough to allow her to be. I shouldn’t feel bad because I do try to see her lots. And I do. But you know, at her time in life when she has spent her whole life doing everything for me, even the slightest backing off makes me feel mean. I shouldn’t though, I am allowed to have time for myself. But there is a part of me that feels if I don’t give her every chance I can now, then one day it will be too late. One day, I won’t ever see her again, which brings tears to my eyes as I type this.
Old age is an awful thing. The coming to the end of a life is an awful thing. It’s a sad thing. But, she has lived.

I get sad being on my own, but it is a melancholy sadness, not an awful one.

I’ve watched films. I cried in Billy Elliot. I have just ironed all of my work shirts and I cried in Pay it Forward.
It’s been hot today, so it was easy to stay inside.

Manny called. I hadn’t heard from him since Thursday. He had things to tell me. He was worried how I might react.
Did I mention how Glen wanted to pay me the money that Manny owed me. I had to write a letter stating how much Manny owed me. I didn’t hear any more about it. I figured that Glen… actually, I didn’t figure anything, I didn’t think much more about it.
Well, apparently Glen did pay off the money I owed and the money Michael owed too. But you see, here’s the catch, Manny owed more money to the underworld than he was letting on. So our money went to them. Glen has now paid over twelve thousand dollars to…well, I don’t know who. Mark, David, somebody else. They stole money from the kitty, that was a piece of news that I heard for the first time. Kitty for what, I don’t really know, gambling, I think. (And Manny still owes more money. Not a lot though, so he tells me.)
And here’s the other catch, Glen paid off my money to, literally, pay me off. To get me out of the picture. Gone. Disposed of. I’m a threat, a big threat to him – you know, I’m sick of being a threat to people. Me? It’s laughable really.
So now I don’t exist in Manny’ life, as far as Glen is concerned.
And the pay off? A twelve month relationship to Manny. If after that it doesn’t work out, then they go their separate ways, all debts are cancelled. If Manny doesn’t give it twelve months then he has to pay back all the money to Glen.
The problem is that Manny’ heart belongs to me. Michael isn’t talking to him as he feels that Manny has chosen the wrong man, for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he has. But you see, these people who Manny got involved with, to who he owes all the money, five or so years ago, are the real deal, real underworld criminals. Bad people who don’t piss around.
What do I think, asked Manny? I think you got yourself into a really bad situation and you are getting yourself out of it with a less than perfect solution – dishonesty begets dishonesty, Manny my boy, I said – but it seems to be the only solution you have. As poor an answer as it is to it all.
That was before he met Michael and Glen and me, he said.
The other point to be mentioned here, is that Glen isn’t rock-solid stable either. But not a criminal with criminal leanings, I suppose. But capable of being irrational and revengeful.
Manny has to think of me to get excited when he has sex with Glen. He has to think of me to cum with Glen. His heart is with me and yet he is stuck with Glen.
You do get yourself into predicaments, hey, I said.
He’s fighting his way out of a really bad situation with a moderately bad solution.
But what happens if Glen finds out – and he probably will. Those things have a habit of coming back at you – and they do. I said to Manny. Glen is supposedly head over heals in love with Manny. So how do you think he’ll react if he finds out.
You see, Manny doesn’t want me out of his life. He doesn’t want to loose what we have. But as far as Glen is concerned, I’m totally out of the picture. Gone. History.
How sad it is to have to buy another person’s affections. That, I suppose, is the person that Glen is.
Manny said that when he met me he believed that relationships don’t work. They don’t last. And that is how I felt too.
The year started yesterday, apparently.
Oo! Oo! Manny is having sex with Glen. Er!
And Glen goes out on the scene, practically, every night. Manny said that Glen went to the Laird last night and that he doesn’t care if Glen fools around with other guys, or even if Glen lies about it, not like he’d care if I did it.

Fuck! And I want the simple life. Boy meets boy. Boy is with boy because he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.
Where does that leave me? All the men in my life are having relationships with somebody else. That’s not exactly fair to Sean, but true none the less.

I’m playing St Germian and there are no lights on in the house.

I think I’ll play on gaydar for a while.

20.30. It was boring. Back to my novel.

Manny called me late to say that he’d got himself into an awful problem. He can’t do it with Glen. He thought he could, he thought that it could grow into something, they have stuff in common and he likes being with Glen when he’s with him…or at least he believed he did. But he’s realised he can’t. And he’s realised he can have sex with Glen. It just isn’t there for him. He thought it could be, but now he realises that it isn’t and it’s not going to be.

“Fuck, how do I get myself into these situations?”

Saturday, February 07, 2004

The last shout of summer

I was up at 5am, don’t know why. But I was awake and the tv was still going from last night. I was wide away, so I headed down stairs and made coffee. I watched the day turn from dark to light and it was beautiful.
The stomach pains are still there slightly from yesterday, just a bit.

It's early February, a lovely time of year. The last shout of summer, before we slip into my favourite time of year with it's gold's, reds and yellows. It always makes me think of... hmm... think of lovely friends and good times past. The autumn of summer, the long golden rays of the long days.
But it makes me think of something else to... or it should? The old memory isn't quite what it used to be.
Do I hear a little voice somewhere in the distance saying something like, oh, I don't know... IT'S NEVER BEEN GOOD!
No, must have just been the vind... er... wind.

SMS. 10.38am. Miss! How are you? The island is just lovely! – Tom
SMS. 10.45am. I’m good. Up at 5am, don’t know why? I think I had food poisoning y’day, bad pains, slept and watchd tv, dvd thanks Perry – christian

I watched Billy Elliot. I cried as the father crossed the picket line to earn some money to send Billy to ballet school. I cried because, I suppose, my father could no longer do that for me… because his father did it for him.
I went back to bed mid afternoon for a nap.
I finally started writing some of my novel. Yay!

Friday, February 06, 2004

I ended up with bad stomach cramps

Hey Christian
Hope you have a loverly day Miss.
xT


Mornin
christian


I went out with Beck and Stella for lunch. I had spaghetti with mussels. I ended up with bad stomach cramps. I came home and lay on the couch. I was going to smoke pot with George, but I cancelled as the pain shot through my stomach.
I slept a little.
Rachel called and woke me up, but the pain stopped me from getting to the phone. Well, kind of. No, it did, stopped me wanting to chat, anyway. Rachel said why would she email when she can talk to me on the phone. When I didn't answer she said she’d chat to Red instead. She got her cats to talk to him and they meowed in the background of the message.
I watched Notting Hill, in the dark with Red. At home on my own watching romantic comedies with my cat, now I know how Jill feels.
I kind of like the house just lit by the blue screen of the television and the light of my computer screen. I like the dark, semi-dark, dimmed lighting, to be sure.
I still have pains in my stomach. It’s 10pm.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Vague as

This morning, I walked downstairs in a bit of a daze. Red meowed at me. I got my muesli down off the shelf and poured it straight into the cat bowl.
Big smile


Miss,
I hope you didn't eat it!
How was Manny last night? Tummy all patted?
I'm sick and vague too...
xT


No, I didn't eat it... however, momentarily I thought about it until I shook my head and laughed and thought, what are you thinking. I must have coffee first in the mornings.
Manny wasn't answering his phone. So I played some music, checked my emails and went to bed.
christian

SMS. 13.03. I think I stopped the cold sore before it blistered. Took 24 tabs in 24 hours – Tom


Why hello young man. How are you? I have been insanely busy at work to the point of having intensely disturbing dreams at night - clearly I need to get a different life and I'm working on that because I step out of this team leading gig as of COB tomorrow. Phew!
So, how's your writing going? Have you been doing any? Enrolled for school this semester? I've been writing, writing, writing and getting nowhere very fast (what's new). Peter is still at the café with Jess and he's just introduced Stormy into the conversation. He's also told her what she does for a living. I feel as though I've moved forward (much in the same way that glaciers probably feel that too).
I've given up smoking. Well I've been two whole days without one - every time I think about how good I've been I just want to have one. Mind you, my version of giving up smoking includes having smokes when I'm in the company of people like...ummm...you!
Write back. I miss hearing from you.
Seeya ☺
Kym


Kym
As it’s now 17.28, this where I’m going to stop. Not that I’m a clock watcher or anything. But I’m out of here. So, until tomorrow.
Big smile


I went over and had dinner with mum. It was hot today, thirty-five. I was going to swap the Rover for the Saab, despite the visual pleasant aesthetics of the two white cars – Peugeot and Rover – in the backyard in Fitzroy. The Rover has developed a very nasty creak in the front left hand side suspension. Mum and I laughed when the Saab was as dead as a dodo.
“All these cars that we have,” mum laughed. “And none of the are working properly.”
I love my mum. She’s so cute when she laughs.
I left mum’s early, a little too early for it to be respectable. But I was heading over to Manny’. Creaking away. But the Rover still goes like the wind. I dragged off a Commodore ute at the lights at the freeway at Toorak road. I dragged it off easily. It’s still a beautiful looking car.
And now I’m home.
It’s 23.30.


Hey Christian.
Tomorrow I've got an early dental appointment then work in the arvo.
Thought I might have a nap at your place in between, hope that's cool?
I'm off to Phillip Island tomorrow too ☺
xT


Hey Christian
How’s your evening progressing?
Tom


Sure, that's fine. Nap away.
christian

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

It’s sorted we shall arrive at 8

No kissing princes, no patting washboards, no scheming against evil.
Just drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Lovely!
And how about you, my sweet? Oh, I do believe it is Wednesday. Rattling, are we?
christian


Miss!
Yes I *may* be a tad tired...
Nothing a wee nap wont fix.
Are you doing anything tonight?
xTom


Nah, nothing tonight. Except, I'm sure I'm due for a visit to Manny's.
Christian


yeah i'm sure you are...
just thought it would be fun to pop in and see Perry's black eye...
xT


Perry, Manny? Perry, Manny?
christian


BOTH silly, drop over to Perry's about 8 then straight to Manny's.
Tom


drop over Manny and then straight to Perry's... er... no, that's not right.
Perry's for a little priming and then.....
Hmmm?
christian


thats more like it...
Tom


I do like it!
christian


I'll call ya round 7 see where ur at,
but thinking a pop in to Perry's around 8ish,
then u could be off to Manny's sometime after that.
xT


okay sir
christian


It’s sorted we shall arrive at 8, Perry is expecting us :)
Tom


Miss pushy!
christian


Oh... er... that would be lovely... um... smile
christian


Don't speak to me I'm trying to join up to internet banking and I'm spinning out... snoopy? You've just got to get a new flat mate.
Rachel


Rachel
My cat's taking it the worst. He's climbing up my leg as we speak. When I get home he always comes out meowing. And if I type for long periods of time, he sleeps at my feet. He even taps me on the leg, wanting attention. Jesus, I'm reporting you to Cat central, I say to him.
He likes people around. He hates to be left on his own.
Welcome to the twentieth century I say to him.
Actually, it's the pot. He's a bigger head than I am. And now that I've stopped – although I have just been over to a friends smoking joints. So my credibility is shaky, I agree – he gets quite tense. He's on edge, I'm sure. He even seems to be able to hear.
I need to get money out of my mother, so I don't need anymore flatmates.
Christian

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Productive day

hope you have a productive day Christian...
I'm all for non-violence today ☺
Tom


Yes, productive it has to be. They have bought my deadline back from the 14th to the 11th. @#$%^! But, I suppose, that is life.
Good to hear about the non-violence decision. I was just reading about a near-sighted 80 year old nun who was dragged from a car and set upon, in a fit of road rage. Now, the atheist in me said, Yeah, yeah, she deserved it, no doubt. It was practically a community service, nun's being what nuns are and the evil that they represent. But, with my seventy nine year old mother proposing to drive to Templestowe next week, where do you draw the line? It's a grey area. So the default position has to be that of a pacifist. Otherwise anarchy would rule, doll.
Big smile.

At home…

Hello you
Yes it was me who told you the chiwowa (slack spelling but who can be bothered) and it was from a little old lady by the banks of the Murray River just after Freya had had her finger sliced open by an over zealous pelican that wanted her lunch...a sausage roll. Ate the bag and all. We all hope it ended up with a twisted bowel but knowing paper bag companies these days it would just ingest the entire thing and look all the more radiant for it! Bloody greenies and their self composting bloody packaging. After what it did to Freya we wanted the bastard to suffer.
Now....a word of warning for any intrepid traveller is to steer clear of the pelicans on the banks of the river in Mannum SA! I know it's prob high on your travel agenda but beware...
What? Not wanting to babysit? You absolute bastard....there are only 4 of them......good grief, you bloody poofs are all the same. How's a girl to keep her act together without the occasional good root? Don't worry you're left off the hook this week as my nephew is coming to stay and little does he realise that Thursday he's babysitting.......but next week you may be called upon! Come on Christian its not that hard you just have to sit here and watch telly, they will go to sleep amazingly well...no intervention (or fenergen) necessary! So you old bugger just tell when you're free and come and do it...promise I'll be home by midnight…with a big grin on my face!!!!!
What the hell are you thinking about a Beagle.........................don't ask Anton cos he likes them...I worry about that boy!
Call me....
Rachel


Hello
Oh, whoops. I must get new stories, clearly. It's almost as bad as cutting a pasting an email back to the same person. (which I've nearly done)
I have, in fact, been to Mannum for a holiday. Lovely spot it is too. Although, I don't remember any pelicans. Too stoned most probably. A week on a houseboat, now them were the days.
I never said that I wouldn't baby-sit... but about the nephew?
When am I free? Now that would be the thing. Oh well, you'll just have to catch me on a free night.
My hermititis has got really bad since me flatties have moved out. I scamper home and shut the door and the world out and it's so wonderful...um...er...words fail me.
I practically only ever communicate by email...no one can interrupt me that way.
I did venture to the coffee shop for a new bean grinder, though, as a flatemate, several removed, took mine. The woman behind the counter was so Prue out of Kath and Kim... I said what I wanted and she showed me several types
“We have the Gaggia and the Leggia and the Cornucopia, unless of course you just want one of those buzz-boxes?” She said this with an air that I couldn't possibly.
“Um, yes, it was the buzz box that I was really interested.”
Roll of the eyes, look of disdain. “Oh…(big sigh) we only really have two types. This one which is fifty-five dollars and this one, which is one hundred and five. This one has a better motor and is clearly the better product of the two,” she said pointing to the more expensive model. (not wanting to touch it though, you understand)
“So are you saying this one is much better than that one?”
“Well, yes...um... this one has two cutting blades and this one,” roll of the eyes, “only has one.”
“So would this one last longer?” I said.
“It’s a superior product,” she said. “But you’d be far better of with a machine with a grinding action, really.” (she rolled the r on grinding. And really sounded more like rarely.)
“I don’t really drink that much coffee, (who has the fucking time?) just on weekends.”
“Oh,” she said. “Only on weekends...urrr...well, this one would do the job then, I suppose.”
She completely intimidated me. Not sure why, not usual for me, as I'd treat such meetings as blood sport usually. She must have got me on an off day. Actually, I had spent the whole morning looking at lighting with a friend and her very talkative 2 year old. So maybe I was a little off balance.
As I walked home with the more expensive machine, I thought that I don’t usually fall for that kind of thing. If I’d bought the fifty-five dollar machine and it only lasted for a few years and then bought another one, I would have been better off than with the more expensive machine, which may, or may not, last longer.
I won't tell you what happened to the beautiful top when I tried to pull the idiot sticker off. (Don't insert fingers if blade is spinning)
So that was less than successful, but at least I have fresh coffee.
I haven't been out since.
About the Beagle...it's just that I've seen a few lately. Cute ears! Cute ears! It's about the only medium sized dog I've seen lately that has even remotely sparked my interest. Are they smart dogs though?
You just know I'd call him Snoopy.
christian


10.30pm…


Hey Christian.
Hope your day was just dandy...
Mine at work was pretty good - I noticed any temper rises I felt and modulated them appropriately...
On new just in, Julien lost his job at Greasy Joe's... Couldn't manage to make it in... Not that it's Sebastian's fault, but I *almost* feel like having a word with him the next time I see him – “Please stop giving my friend drugs, they aren't good for him anymore..."
We'll see...
Anyhoo, ta ta..
xT


My day was good.
I've been home reconstructing my journals all night. Drinking fresh coffee. Patting the cat. Playing black music and smoking cigs, natch.
Just spoke to Manny, he's been sick, upset stomach. I almost went over and rubbed it for him. Yum! (I should have)
But I didn't, he's off to sleep, gotta work tomorrow.
You know, every time he talks about the horrible Glen, it just makes me wonder.
He said Glen hates me, is jealous of me and says mean things about me. When I said, good thing he doesn't remember what I look like, Manny said, but he knows where you live, just a little too quick, as though it was something Glen has said, threatened even.
Oh well, not something to think about, hey?
I hope your day was good too.
Shame about Jules... yeah, right. He'll come to his senses soon enough. He's not a stupid boy. Then we can all tisk, tisk, waggle fingers and help him to his feet.
Big smile.
christian


ahh fresh cawfee how lovely... dont drink too much now!
Give Manny a kiss from me, hope he feels better soon.
Don't worry about Glen. I don't know why, but I know that no harm will come to you from him.
Have a good rest of your night.
Love ya
xTom


I'll give Manny two for ya!
christian


I know it shouldn't, but the Glen thing makes me feel odd.
I have many people who love me and he doesn't seem to have even one... but he has hate for someone he doesn't even know.
I find it creepy
christian


OK how about this...
Do you think it's at all possible that Manny might exaggerate Glen's behaviour/words to show you how much Glen loves Manny?
I'm not saying he is, just wondering...
Tom


Actually, I hope so.
But mostly, it sounds like Manny feels sorry for him. You know, in the same emotional basketcase...um...basket. (not that Manny is actually an emotional basket case) Afflictions unite them. But, Manny doesn't even seem to like him all that much. Mostly Glen seems to annoy him.
Or is that how I think Manny should react to him?
Ah, who knows?
Glen is a limpet.
I'm following my horoscope this week. Only ask the questions you truly want to know the answers to.
I'll be sure to pat Manny' tummy for ya. (Nice too, all them pack things)
christian


yeah forget glen
the horoscope sounds good adcive for life, not just a week..
but back to ya beautiful bf – 2 kisses and a tummy pat from me, thanks doll.
will ya tell him they’re from me tho, that’s my question!
big wink
goodnight
xT


Nah…not a word.
goodnight.
christian

It’s 1.11am


i knew that :))
have fun doin em anyways
Tom