Monday, April 30, 2007
11am. The truth of the morning was that I was stonkered. Dragging my feet. I’m not sure I’m going to make it, I thought, as I dragged my sorry arse up Young Street. I felt like I was walking a bit sideways, my centre of gravity was a little... er... um, compromised. The walk to work only just cut it. I just start walking and I forgot. That rhythm was good to get the blood pumping, brain cells sparking, lung tissue filtering. Water. Kidneys. Park. Feeling fine. Shop fronts. People. The lift.
Intermittently, during the morning, I had slight head-spin moments, a stumble. A couple of times. Three at the most. I had to check and check and check everything again and again and again. Triple check for autopilot days, to be sure. Avoid the phone. Answer everybody by email, even phone messages. I can get away with it for one day, better than stumbling over my words and feeling found out.
The paranoia only lasts till midday.
A big lunch and every cell was pumping.
The clouds behind my eyes, cleared.
I could take today off? I'm having tomorrow off for the yearly financial paperwork sign off. Rachel said take today off too. I said no, don't know why, some strange work ethic. All I'd have to do is text her. She'd be cool with it. What to do?
Would I just be wasting a day? (no doubt)
You know I want to!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says,
"In Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Truthfully, I like his friendship for many more reasons than the rare drunken moment I have described above - just thought I'd titilate myself with the thought.
I don't know why I thought about him today.
Missy went missing, a number of times, when I was supposed to be giving her medicine. She finished the course, but not strictly in the way it was intended. But finished, none the less. Now she has one suspect tiny, puffy bit, around the abscess. So I'm hoping like hell I don't have to pay another $450 to have her completely healed. I tried to squeeze it, like the vet showed me, but nothing came out and I wondered if I was mutilating her for nothing. But she never acted like any of it was sore, so that has to be a good sign
My buggery speeding fine arrived in the mail. $215 dollars, although I mistakenly told Lottie that it was $250 and she handed it over. So I actually made on the deal. Three buggery demerit points though.
The cleaning lady is an absolute amazing gem. She cleans like no other cleaning lady I've ever had. She is a one in a million, never to be had more than once in one life time. I've learnt by experience. David and I gave her some extra money this week, in appreciation.
I'm smoking pot and cigarettes. I have to stop smoking. I'm getting really chesty again. Doesn't that sound like something a mother would say? But, unfortunately, true.
I spent Lottie's fine money on pot. She'd be proud.
Shane is moving in, he is a big pot smoker. Josh and I have even got health conscious David back onto joints. In only how many weeks? You do the maths.
I turned down sex with Manny. I can't drive. And fuck him, he said he was coming over here, today.
Josh goes on Tuesday. I will be sad to see him go.
Friday, April 27, 2007
There was a blond boy, standing with his gorgeous dark-haired girlfriend, the contrast in their complexions was immediately apparent. How beautiful are you two, I thought. He had the most piercing blue eyes, the type with pale blue corneas with dark blue circles outlining them.
There was a woman whose thighs were so fat that they seemed to move independently to the rest of her. As she walked, it set of a kind of Mexican Wave in her thighs, under the material of her pants. I'd hate to have been slapped in the face by either of those suckers.
I lent forward to let a guy pass behind me and he stopped and stood in the space that I had vacated, to let him pass. Are people really that selfish, or that self focused, or that unaware? Oh no you don't buddy, I thought, as I lent back and our bums rubbed together. It felt kind of nice, warm, soft. He moved away slightly. You know, just enough. I stood up straighter. Our bums rubbed again. He had, what felt like, a nice arse, pert, spongy. He moved away, again. I stood completely straight. Our bums rubbed again, I could feel his crack on mine. He moved into the rear carriage.
I thought you'd see it my way, buddy, I thought.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
You have to focus all of your energy on what, or who you want to be powerful in the world. You have to stop thinking about all that is bad in the world, because even if they are negative thoughts, you are still giving all that is bad in the world energy.
You just have to focus on the positive and let all else fade away. Feed all that is good with positive thought and the world will be a better place.
It is that easy. The people have the power to change the world.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Housemate David and his new guy Mark. David had had two vodkas and was saying what a cheap drunk he was.
Shane was saying that he was single, emotional and drunk... and looking for a guy with a big cock.
Like that will help, at this point, I told him.
Certainly can't hurt, slurred Shane.
Well then, it's certainly not big enough, I replied.
He-who-shall-never-be-mentioned asked where I'd been and if I'd lost his phone number, pointedly? He provided a steady stream of joints, especially after I'd run out of cigarettes. Every time I asked him for one, he'd reply, How about a joint? He had the never ending Tim Tam packet of joints, so it would have seemed.
Sebastian was there too. He and I said wicked things about Shane, as we are want to do. Shane made some disparaging comment about Matt. Ex-fucking-boyfriends. Spit on the ground.
Like he thinks it's hard to break up with Matt, I said to Sebastian. Shane owns property with Mark W, lets see how nasty that one gets.
"Denial, luv," said Sebastian. "It's a wonderful thing."
Tom never turned up, although I got a few texts from him saying his arrival was immanent.
Manny didn't go, we watched Big Brother together and then I tucked him into bed, figuratively, of course.
"Why who wouldn't have thought that a three-way with and Italian wasn't going to end in tears," said Sebastian.
We both laughed
"I'd like to say that I warned him," I said. "But I actually didn't."
Everybody laughed. I passed the joint.
I didn't stay too late. "I've had a shag, a couple of beers and a couple of joints, I'm ready for bed," I said at 1am.
"Are you okay to drive," asked David, in housemate brotherly love.
"I'm pretty stoned..."
"But you've only had one drink?"
"Oh, you're fine then," he replied.
Kiss, kiss and I was off.
I saw Tom's car halfway down a long street, half way to my car. He must have finally turned up. He must have been getting a drink as I left the building. I stood next to Tom's car and felt anxious about missing him. The road was long and dark, far to my car. I looked back and the road was long and dark and it was far to go back. I stood next to his car and bounced on the balls of my feet and shoved my hands deep down in my pockets. The car was like a snow mould, sitting there in the dark. Almost, obscenely white, with it's handicapped permit, against the black of the night.
I was too stoned to walk back. I looked behind me. I kept walking.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 23, 2007
"I'm a bit late, I know," he said. "What time is it? Is it too late for you to drive over?"
I'm going to bed to dream about his big brown eyes, his gorgeous smile, his beautiful hairy chest, and other bits of him that I'm sure you can guess.
His head asleep on my shoulder... that always makes me love him.
Sweet dreams, Man.
Mark thinks I'm ridiculous going to the post office to pay bills, but I walk past every morning, it seems so easy.
Get with the 21st century, says Mark. Do it on the internet.
I like the post office, it seems real, there's life there. One of the loud, mental ladies of the area came into the post office and proceeded to give us her banking history and hair dye requirements at the top of her voice, as she waited in line. Apparently, she came in on the wrong day last week when she should have been at the hairdresser. Oh bless her, I thought, as I gazed at the wide grey GT stripe in her otherwise black hair. You might want to try a lighter shade at your age, I was going to offer, but thought better of it. Wouldn't it be nice to have such simple worries. She put a smile on my face, with her nuffy innocents.
I'd left it a bit late to walk, so I hopped a tram. Face-lift lady was on the tram. She has skin as tight as a proverbial drum and androgynous features because of it. I looked out of the corner of my eye at her, staring straight ahead, to get a look at the scars behind her ears. She kind of noticed and craned her creepy head in my direction to see what I was looking at. She's like a plastic mannequin, not a wrinkle, not a line, nothing much moves. I looked straight ahead after she had looked at me, wondering if she was, in fact, a tranny. Not sure, the jury is still out on that one. She put a smile on my face too, which is, probably, more than she can do.
I slipped into my foyer with minutes to spare. Strapping dark, maybe Indian, boy was at the lift, in my foyer. He's my next husband, he just doesn't know it yet. He, he. He has the most beautiful face, square jaw, big, brown eyes, red lips, I can't help but gaze at him. He has a chest you could play drums on and an arse, so chunky and so sexy that, as he exited the lift, I imagined running my tongue through the hairs up his crack, as I followed it... er... him, with my eyes, out of the lift... Jasus! I shook my head. It wasn't even 9am? I would have adjusted my tie, if I wore one. I looked at the girl who remained in the lift, she hadn't noticed.
He put a smile on my face. Which is what I'd like to do to him.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Josh leaves in a few weeks, after which Shane will move into his room. I amused myself with the thought of texting Josh - if, in fact, he had a mobile phone - saying not to come back, I'd let his room. Just to see the look on Josh's face - if, in fact, I could see his face through a mobile phone.
Shane's been around to discuss it, we had a couple of joints.
Shane and my other housemate, David are ex-boyfriends and David is in Shane's old room, when Shane lived here the last time, when David was his boyfriend. Josh's room was once Fergus' room, who went out with Shane and is how Shane and I met. Shane became an unofficial housemate living here with Fergus, the first time Shane lived here. So, Shane is moving into what is now, technically, his ex-boyfriend, David's, house, into his ex-boyfriend, Fergus', room.
Are you keeping up? Yes, it's a tangled web.
Shane is probably the person I have lived with most out of everybody, nearly, probably, several times, so he's like an old pair of socks. It'll be cool living with him again.
A pot smoker though, one draw back. Shane and I are old pot smoking buddies from way back. Fergus was a big pot smoker, from the era when this house was a big party house. I could easily be reclaiming old habits with Shane around.
Oh well, there could be worse things.
Fergus is dead.
I so wanted to get into Manny's pants this arvo/tonight, but he was in a funny mood and not up for it. I just had to relax and breath, otherwise I would have been begging. Well, not begging, but insistent, cajoling, single-minded, fixated, demanding... may be not demanding, either. But, frustrated... pleading. Oh come on Manny!
He laughed and said, My horny boy. I'm gonna eat again and go to bed.
So, I just said, okay Man, that's cool. (fiddling with my packet of cigarettes)
Maybe tomorrow night, he said. Can we catch up tomorrow night?
Sure! I said, a bit snarly.
I'm going to bed.
Shane's a computer geek, he can finish off David's and my wireless network. Yay! And he can take fucking "Hearts" off my damn computer. Stupid, mindless game.
1. Stubble... good or bad? How often do you shave?
I'd say stubble looks good, it feels good, but I do prefer a clean-shaven for a long snog. Otherwise, I get skin irritation around my lips. The secret is to have the same amount of stubble. I love body hair; hairy chest, hairy stomach, hairy legs.
2. How often do you kiss (read make out) with who?
Once a week, if I can. In fact, I'm sure today is the day. I must make a call, talk dirty down the phone.
3. Have you ever placed a personal ad or answered a personal ad?
Yes, both, but not for a long time now, though. I never found it a good way to meet people. I'm more your in-the-flesh kind of boy. I have little desire to date, as I have sex covered with a sexy partner just for that purpose. I'd rather do the boring bits on my own.
4. Where was the first place you ever had sex?
The back of my fifth grade classroom.
5. After a night of great sex, who do you tell? How much?
I don't really tell any one. I think about it to myself for a while after, bask in the after glow. Occasionally, I used to tell Tom, but no really gory details, though. Although, I'd be up for telling, if someone asked, but it just doesn't go that way.
6. Have you ever kissed your partner on the lips after oral sex without brushing teeth, nor washing/gargling/rinsing out mouth? Turn on or off?
Yes, all the time... from all areas back to his mouth. It is neither a turn on, or a turn off. It's just a part of good sex.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
He looked like me and I looked like him, amazingly so from all reports. He was my first, and only, twin experience. We used to drive the teachers nuts. They couldn't tell us a part.
"Which one are you? Christian or Gareth?" asked the library teacher. "I can never tell you two a part. I wish you'd stop coming in together..." It would make us both smile.
We both liked it. We used to find each other to stand in line together. I remember us holding hands, but that is probably me and we probably didn't. We were inseparable in grade six. We had the twin thing going on there for a while.
Gareth was boisterous, he played football at lunch times. He always came in for the afternoon with his shirt tail hanging out. But he was sweet to me, as I was sweet to him. Sweet on, I wouldn't go that far. We had our own thing going on. We always sat together, we wanted to be the confusing bookends. Old Batson used to get furious.
"If you dear boys do insist on sitting together," he'd whine like Bernard King. "Although, why a thoroughly nice boy like Gareth wants to sit next to a thoroughly horrible boy like Christian - the old bastard hated me. I think he could sniff younger, cuter, smarter gay boy present and used to think I have to tear him down, for my own preservation - "You will have to wear name tags."
"If one of us is thoroughly horrible and one of us is thoroughly nice," I would ask cheekily. "Why do we have to wear name tags?"
"Thank you Christian," he'd spit back. "I can pick horrible, when I hear it."
Gareth was my hero, he'd always find me, we'd always hang together.
I got shingles that year, from being forced to spar beyond my years, by the biter old homophobe, married forty years with children, Batson - in his polyester suits and cravats.
Both our mothers picked the wrong one of us as their son, in the years school photo It was a set-up. We asked them pointedly. I was amazed when Gareth told me.
"My mum picked you, saying it was me." I was taken aback when my mum did the same thing, even if Lottie only hesitated over Gareth and then picked me. After which, I remember I sighed in relief.
Gareth went to a high school from year 7. His parents could no longer afford the fees, or something, I can't really remember now. All I heard was that he was leaving. We were both devastated. We said, "Twins forever," the day he left. We shazambed! our knuckles afterwards, in silence. We gazed at each other for the longest time, our last time together, before Gareth's mother pulled him away by the hand. I watched him go, as he did me.
I've never had another twin - Andrew, twenty years later, was always said to look like my brother. I wonder if Gareth still remembers? I wonder if he still looks like me?
Friday, April 20, 2007
I don't think I'm really up for casual sex, any more. Don't get me wrong, I used to be, (Tom says I've slept with more men than anyone he knows. A claim I, naturally, dispute) but even when I was, shall we say, more of an enthusiast, I was so often left with the feeling, afterwards, of I-wish-I-hadn't-done-that, or get me out quick. This is not a judgement thing, fuck whoever you like, I would encourage you, even. But, I'm not sure that I ever found it that fulfilling, to be honest... not as fulfilling as having a boyfriend, sure.
I think it always used to be about self esteem, I think it always used to be about self acknowledgment and I think I now know that's not how you get those things.
I've always had this joke with Tom about knowing the name of the guys who we'd just fucked. Tom never cared, hardly ever bothered to even ask. But me, I always asked. Afterwards, I could always tell Tom their names. I could never just do the completely anonymous sex thing. I always had to find something I liked about the guy, otherwise it just wouldn't work for me. Even if it was snatched conversations in the dark, at a sex on premises venue. At some point between giving the nod and watching them blow, I'd have to stop and chat a bit. Often, that snatch of conversation was crucial to whether I'd continue, or grab my towel saying I needed a break.
I was always more interested in what was attached to the cock, more so than what size it was.
My point being... and I think I do have a point left here some where... to me, monogamy isn't about sex, monogamy is about wanting to be with someone. Monogamy is about being attracted to who someone is and wanting to be with that person because you want to be... and getting that in return. It is about mutual attraction. It's a heart thing. It's about being warm and fuzzy inside when they are around and them feeling the same way. It's about being honest, it's about being safe (that's the old fashioned meaning), it's about being nurtured, it's about being sure. It's about connection.
It's about holding hands, just naturally.
It's about leaving together, because you just don't want to leave with anyone else in the entire world.
And sexual monogamy?
I wouldn't accept my boyfriend leaving me on a night out to chase after someone else. I wouldn't accept him not turning up when he's supposed to because he's having sex with someone else. I wouldn't accept him interrupting my time with him because of someone else. I wouldn't accept him chasing after other people all the time. I wouldn't accept him being obsessed with finding extra marital sex. I wouldn't accept him sleeping with my friends or ex-lovers. But, if I was doing what I'm doing, otherwise happily entertained and it happened to come along for him, then it wouldn't matter, I wouldn't mind. Good luck to him.
I wouldn't accept him lying about it.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
An hour, or so, later...
Missy is now in hospital having her abscess lanced. She didn't go quietly, meow, meow, meow, all the way. Even a chuck under the chin, through the bars, at all the traffic lights didn't help calm her. Poor Missy. I'll pick her up tomorrow. Of course, it was decided that she should be micro chipped, as I have never had that done, another fifty dollars, then I can register her with the council, something that hadn't occurred to me until tonight. Not sure why?
Manny got depressed, yesterday and went to the pokies and blew all his money, so, of course, I bailed him out.
"I want to ask you for a really big favour," he said, first thing in the conversation. "I've got myself into a jam."
Oh, here we go, I knew what was coming next. That boy? Bloody hell! I so wanted to say no. But what do I do when he hasn't got any money for food for two weeks? Let him starve? My rational, thinking self says yes, let him. If I keep bailing him out, he'll just keep doing it. Won't he?
But, he hasn't done it for a long time.
I said to Rachel that I was lending him money, again, waiting for her to scold me... my yardstick. But she said, Poor Manny, what can you do? She likes him a lot.
He came into work and got $500 from me.
"Thanks, you saved my life."
I waved him good bye and kind of suspected that I was, maybe, doing the opposite. That boy? I should slap him rather than give him money.
He called me tonight and said cheekily, "Come over and I'll work off some of the debt."
"Ha ha," I said.
"I've shaved." Cheeky laugh. Always a good thing for a Greek boy to do before...
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:
Today my best friend slapped me on the face.
They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:
Today my best friend saved my life.
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now you write on a stone, why?"
The friend replied, "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Your president sanctions killing, advocates war and, as the Governor of Texas, he put more people to death than any other governor in the history of your country.
On an individual basis, it is tragically sad. I can't imagine anything more terrifying than being hunted down by a mad man, in a place where you are supposed to be safe, where you are supposed to be growing, where you are supposed to be free to steer your young life in the most positive of directions. It is the stuff nightmares are made of.
But with the crazy gun culture in America... if you guys want guns, the right to bear arms, you've got to live with it. I can't imagine, as a nation, why you would want that.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
He looked kind of sad sitting there, looking out from underneath it. Sad and obstinate in his age defying gesture, like a man sitting there with, something like, an ice cream cone up ended on the top of his head that nobody is supposed to notice.
The man next to him had shinny, coal black, hair, goatee and sleepy puppy dog eyes looking out from under his fetching droopy eye lids. He stared expressionless out of the tram window at the morning. Such a perfect study of fine male features; a straight jaw line, clear blemish free olive skin, black eyebrows like his hair, red lips with a perfectly shaped (the thing between your lip and nose) underneath a perfectly straight nose. All captured in a momentary snap shot, perfectly still and oblivious to my gaze.
Politicise my morning with your dark expressionless look; beauty captured perfectly still, encapsulating every little boy’s journey into manhood.
Don’t scare me, wig man, I shan't look at you. Don’t show me my destiny, however many decades it might be away.
The ages of man.
Before – dark-haired beauty.
After – bewigged decay.
The essence of men, like a still life, a study, a life drawing in front of me to view, to distract me, to attract my attention, to repel me, as I mindlessly trundle up Bourke Street, early for work.
Monday, April 16, 2007
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Hair in curlers, wrapped in a scarf, nylon brunch coat with tea stains, fag out of the mouth, natch. Just call me Gladys. I've been zipping around the house, lifting, moving, sorting. Well, not exactly. But I'm glad I looked in the mirror before I went to Safeway, I nearly didn't and I looked like, well, um, Gladys.
I had to go to Safeway, I had no food in the house and I thought better of a lamb kebab. I was starving, coffee and cigarettes just don't cut it.
Of course, there is a reward for all of this, Manny's practicing his music and should be finished and need of TLC by early evening. So, I had to get every thing done that I had to get done, before the new week. I'm exhausted! Ha, ha, ha!
Tom's coming over for a cup of tea in between. I've been up to my old tricks, not answering phones, but I'm getting better. I'm sure there must be a phobia regarding this. I forced myself to call back, it's not that I'm antisocial, as such, and it's not that I don't want to see Tom, who I haven't seen for ages, I just get lost in my own world and hate to be disturbed. Hello Chris, this is the world calling!
There is nobodies company I like better than my own.
I think I've got a hangover. Where are those pills?
The off to Manny's... the best cure for a head ache that I know.
I'd been to dinner with Tim and Nicolas, Nicholas' cousin and her baby-bonus children and a fat, mentally deranged friend of Tim's, someone he used to work with, who was the most bizarre, never-stop-talking type I'd ever met, at a pub in Fitzroy. Fat Bizarro Girl stole food off the children's plates, everybody noticed, spoke with her food in her mouth and quaffed wine like there was no tomorrow.
We sat outside. We were entertained by a group of boys, who were on a pub crawling buck's night, who'd come in costume. There were tennis players, Elvis look a likes, jockeys and seventies retro. One fine specimen of a man - tall, athletic, handsome - wore a stripey, seventies jersey top and a pair of blue pants so tight that they could only be described as "sprayed" on. Literally.
My goodness, did those pants get our attention. Nicholas' head was turned, in such a way that I've never seen before. He's the dutiful boyfriend, usually, to be sure.
Blue pants boy left nothing to the imagination. Not his fine legs, not his great arse, not his huge cock that was, clearly, pushed downwards in his jocks. I would say he was cut.
The whole group, who'd clearly had quite a few beers, were totally cockscentric. A number of them clearly had tennis balls or socks stuffed into their jocks. They played with them, discussed them and showed them off to their mates. They were all standing around comparing packages, at one stage.
"I thought I had the tightest pants on (and he did)," said blue pants boy, rubbing his hand seductively down his thick bulge, as another seventies throw back - yellow pants boy - arrived.
"I don't know," said yellow pants boy, grabbing his bulge, as he spoke. "They are pretty tight," he said looking at blue pants boy.
"Is that all you?" asked the seventies rock star - he quite a hunk himself.
"Yes," said blue pants boy, rubbing his hand down his shaft again. (The boy was hung, everybody could see it... no, could actually, see it )
"Damn!" slurred seventies rock star. "I wish I filled my pants, just like that," he replied, gazing at blue pants boy's crotch, which could only have been described as lustfully, while he rubbed his own bulge, intently, as if checking in comparison.
Nicolas turned to me with a huge smile. "Those blue pants sure are tight."
"He wouldn't want to dribble after a piss," I said.
We both laughed.
What is it with straight boys, when they get together with beer, being turned on to their own cocks?
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Alex was at footy practise.
Mr Martin’s green Triumph Stag was sitting in all its glory in the street. He was about the best looking teacher Smithton had on offer, not that I ever fancied any of my teachers, pity, but I fancied his car. Its sleek curves were sexy, its chrome work sparkled, its automatic gearbox was, well, a disappointment. Girl, I thought. Fancy wasting a fine car…
Turned up collars, suave dressing style an over abundance of after shave, exceptionally well spoken…and an automatic gear box? What did that say about Mr Martin?
I could see my reflection distorted sideways in the paintwork of the curved rump of the Stag, like one of those novelty mirrors. I moved sideways and my reflection turned to a long, flat line over the wheel arch. My face appeared in miniscule in the chrome around the door handle. My face shot out sideways when I moved it a long the shiny paint work, like my skin was being pulled by an invisible wire, like a Dali painting. I moved it back and it was a locket portrait, again. I moved it sideways and it was the work of the Spanish master.
I quietly enjoyed my reflection.
The last teacher’s car that I admired was a metallic, silver blue, two door XM Falcon, with twin, chrome exhausts, that one of my primary teachers, Miss Fellows, drove.
I remembered my first gay thought – the men’s underpants ads in my mother’s Woman’s Weeklies, withstanding, the fascination with those started long before. I shook my head. I tried to push it down, I tried to deny it, but it was vivid.
I was standing in assembly and I remember thinking the boys in front of me, who were in fifth and sixth grade, had nice legs, in their grey shorts and white socks. I was at state school. We were in the quadrangle, that red-brick state school architecture all around us, double story on one side. We were facing the hall – 60’s kitsch – we used to practise ball room dancing in, with Miss Quan. I went to a private boy’s school from grade 5, so I was in grade 4 at the time of the thought. How old did that make me? Ten.
It wasn't a sexual thought, it wasn't a conscious thought, it was more of a fascination... an attraction. I remember their tanned legs. It must have been summer, possibly at the end of the year.
My first sexual act was in my first year of Smithton, the following year. Ah, Nathaniel Miller, I remember him well. I had my first orgasm, as did Nathaniel – he told me – even if neither of us ejaculated. He didn't need to tell me, I felt it, our hips jerked together.
So I was, we both were... what year was it? Eleven. We were both eleven.
He had curly dark hair and olive skin and was somewhat Italian in looks. I've been chasing Nathaniel Miller, ever since. He had 2, or 3 brothers, they all looked alike, all handsome. They all went to the school. The brothers were all older.
It was behind the white board, at the back of the class, after 3.30. We held each other's gaze, even if we didn't kiss. It was tender and gentle, even if I was unsettled by it. I didn't know what that feeling was, in my groin.
Some mucking around amongst the boys happened earlier in the day. The teacher hadn't arrived, as yet, he was late. Some one did something to some one else, gave a wedgy or grab their nuts. Dares were given, joking followed. Neither Nathaniel, or I, were involved in that, we watched from the side lines, on the periphery.
Nathaniel and I picked up on each other's fascination. We caught each other's gaze, interest, fascination just as each of us had the same realisation. We saw it in each other, at the same time.
We never spoke, but we held each other's gaze. I think I felt that feeling for the first time, a buzz in the stomach, an ache in the abdomen, call it what you like. We kind of kept the gaze during the afternoon, intermittently and both just dawdled, after the bell. We were the last two left in the classroom, everybody left quickly, the teacher also, which wasn't so usual, but sometimes they said they had to leave.
It was instinctual for both of us. We didn't need to vocalise our plans. We stripped completely and Nathaniel lay on top of me and we rubbed our cocks together there, behind the whiteboard, at 4pm.
It only happened once. We both set off each other's radar and the rest just followed, naturally. He left Smithton pretty soon after; I guess it must have been the end of the year that he left. He seemed gone almost instantly, so I'm assuming we got together in the second half of the year, because suddenly he was gone.
Nathaniel went to another boy's school, it might have been Saint Michaels.
I saw him once, one afternoon, many years later. You see, he lived just a few houses from Smithton, which made the reason for him going to Saint Michaels, across town, all the more mystifying. We approached each other, walking in opposite directions. We recognised each other from a distance, he'd grown well and proud, with his dark, good looks. We both hesitated, both nearly stopped. We were face to face, the mythical meeting. He hadn't changed, except for growing into a man. Our eyes met, held...
He crossed the road and disappeared around the corner, without looking back. By the time I caught up, he'd gone into his house and out of sight.
I never saw him again.
“Mr Fletcher?” Martin was approaching the car with his keys in his hand.
“Oh…nice car,” Mr Martin. “It’s a classic now.”
“Oh, I don’t think quite yet,” he replied. “But I’m sure it will be, one day.”
He got in and the car burbled to life, with its deep growl. I watched it drive away, the shadows from the trees sliding across its duco.
I looked sideways up Mary Street towards Nathaniel Miller’s house.
I adjusted my bag, on my shoulder, the weight of which suddenly became very apparent.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Oh, I gotta laugh. Serves me right, after what I did last weekend?
Manny's been running around all day. He's been practising his music all afternoon. He's beat.
He doesn't have a vindictive bone in his body, re last weekend, he apologised for not being up to it. He sounded so tired, poor babe.
"No, no, come over," he said, reconsidering, hardly able to string the words together. "I won't be up to much, but when I see you..."
He'd be asleep on my shoulder in minutes, which is kind of a nice place for him to be. I love that trust. I love that feeling. I love reaching around and stroking his face, feeling his stubbled skin - Greek boys always have stubble - listening to his breathing, listening to the little noises he makes when he's out to it, just looking at him. Men are beautiful when they are asleep.
Handsome boy. Sweet dreams sweet prince.
I hadn't heard from Manny since. Nothing, all week.
I was taking my car in yesterday morning to finally get serviced, the weekend problem coming back from the airport, prompted me too. So, I headed out and hopped in, hoping like hell there wasn't anything too majorly wrong with it, as I hadn't driven it since. Firstly, the central locking didn't work, the door just unlocked with the key, no whir, just a click. Damn, I thought, fearing a major electrical malfunction. I got in and turned the key and nothing, absolutely nothing. No errrr. No click. Nothing! The dash board stayed dead, not even a glimmer of light.
Fuck! I'll just have to go to work. But I can't just leave it here, what's going to happen? Maybe the good fairy will come along and weave magic? Fuck!
I was meeting with the C.E.O. at 9.30.
So, I opened the bonnet and looked at the battery - truthfully that is, practically, the extent of my skills - and wouldn't you know it, the battery terminal connection was hanging half off. I had a new battery put in a few weeks ago and they must have left it lose. Yah! I got a spanner and tightened it, but it wouldn't stop turning. I tried again. Still wouldn't. I took it off and had a good look and the bolt that tightened the two ends was snapped in the middle. The idiot battery man - tall, dark and handsome. Looked good in overalls. Nice arse, if I remember - must have broken it. Yah for incompetence, again, I thought, as I marvelled that it had kept going for this long.
The car then started, no problems, as you would expect... hope.
Manny had said last Friday, Just get back in it and head over here. I called him, yesterday afternoon, to say that he was right, even if I didn't know what was wrong with it at the time.
"Oh, long time no hear," said a boy, clearly with his feelings hurt.
"You were right about the car," I said. "Nothing major, just the battery terminal."
"That's great," said a very subdued Manny.
"I'm sorry I didn't call you back," I said. "That's why I'm calling now."
"Well," said Manny. "I was going to wait to see how long it took you."
He laughed, kind of pleased. "What did you do all weekend?"
"You know what I did."
"Did you do any thing else?"
"Nah, went to the shop for cigarettes."
"Me either," said Manny. "When do you get your car back?"
"Friday," I said. "Tomorrow."
"Come over tomorrow night?"
"Sure," I said.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Josh and I had certain agreements, up front, about what how he was supposed to contribute to the costs of running the house. I never said, oh yes, come and stay with me for 6 months and I will provide for all your needs. No and I don't think it is reasonable to think I would. We've since had discussions about it. He's clearly not going to meet them, however.
It's sad to see a friendship drain away over such trivial matters but, I'm afraid, it is. I've been in this position before, where I've given people the benefit of the doubt and they have taken the easy way. And it's going to happen again. I mean, I'm not talking about teenagers, I'm talking about thirty year olds, closer to forty than thirty. I'm not talking about kids who don't, or shouldn't expect to, have means to pay for themselves. I'm talking about fully functioning adults. The thing I hate most is being made to be the Landlord Nazi, when they have asked to come and live with me. I've bought it up several times. How many times do I have to?
The worst thing about all of this, is that it turns me into a passive aggressive monster, one of my worst traits, when pushed.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Most of the class was already there. Tall, good looking, Mr Lyon, our year 11 form master, was already talking. I took my seat next to Alex.
Mr Lyon had been cajoled into the infamy of the Reynolds class. I rolled my eyes when I realised, even I was bored with the subject. Get another story guys, I thought.
“You boy’s really aught to get over it. It’s not a badge of honour, you know. It’s not an achievement. You guys are really doing yourselves a huge disservice by perpetuating this ridiculous rumour.”
“But is it true?” said Raymond.
“Come on. Enough.” He looked concerned, worried even that we would want to pursue this. “Your English essays were pretty good…”
Alex pushed his thigh against mine. I’d only just slipped into class, we hadn't spoken, as yet. Big, warm, thick, right where I liked it.
Lyon was handing out the essays.
“Hey Roberts,” Steven A. whispered from behind. Alex withdrew his leg like a dirty secret, which, of course, it was. “Have you got the answer for question 10? Of the homework?”
Alex looked at me with his nervous eyes, as he turned around. Nervous energy, that is. Nervous for me eyes. No doubt, they were on bright shine moments later, by the time he had fully turned around. He leaned over the desk behind, his arse pert in the air. I wanted to touch it, feel his curves, his warmth, him alive under my hand, as I did nightly, well, afternoonly? (Is there such a word) I had to stop myself from looking at him, turn my head away.
My favourite part of a man, where his torso ends and his legs finish – from opposite directions, of course. I still love the way the slim waist flowers into hips and arse. I love the way a belt sits on a man, higher at the back and lower at the front.
Alex had the sexiest arse. It tapered in, from the hips to the cheeks, on either side, it was slightly turned up, pert, if you like and it had a well defined crack, starting from the middle, opening wider, in a triangle, as it disappeared underneath.
“No can do,” said Alex. “I didn't do it.”
“Shit!” said Steve.
Alex wore his pants tight, not circulation constricting tight, but snug, fitting. They were tight across his, thick, thighs and across his hips, which made him bulge, well, you know where.
“I've got it.”
“What?” said Alex, turning back to me?
“I've got it.”
“I know you've got it,” Alex whispered.
“No drama,” said Alex, turning back to Steve, with his, usual, car salesman spin. “Taken care of!”
I still don’t know what Steven did for Alex for the supply of homework. I don’t think anything, to be honest. It was just a part of being on the footy team, a part of football camaraderie. It was a part of Alex shoring up his support with whomever.
Alex turned back to me, still sitting, so that I was looking at his groin, which was in line with my face. He looked down at his groin, momentarily and then at me and smiled and then resumed his seat.
“Roberts?” said Mr Lyon.
Alex jumped. I was in no doubt about what he was thinking, as I was still thinking about the front of his pants. I could tell that he thought he’d just been sprung, as I thought he had been.
“Ah…yes, Mr Lyon?” Falter, sunshine. In the blink of an eye, he’d pulled it together. I could almost see the sweat sucked back into his pores.
“What were you just doing?”
I pushed my thigh against his. He pushed it away with his thigh.
“I was just…um, discussing the homework with Steve, sir. For Politics. There was a question that Mr Armadas wanted my help with… sir.”
“I see,” said Mr Lyon. Then he looked at me. “Surely, that should have been done before now?”
“You know Steve, sir,” said Alex, with his hands, as a question, in the air. “Does everything at the last minute.” Cheekiest possible grin.
“Okay,” Lyon said. Then he looked at me. Alex looked at me too. “Just help… you don’t need to do it for him.”
“Of course, sir,” said Alex. “I know the rules... sir.”
Lyon looked at me suspiciously. I decided that I was being paranoid. I held his gaze until he resumed handing out the essays.
It was a strange kind of question. We weren't in silence studying. Alex wasn't disturbing any class that was going on. It was form assembly, we were supposed to be talking, that’s what it was all about. Form assembly was an opportunity for the class to get together and be a class, since we were mostly split into electives by year 11 and never really saw each other, as a whole.
“Give me your homework,” said Alex. “I’ll get it back to you at recess.”
I opened my folder.
“Down the change rooms,” whispered Alex. “With my hand down your pants…”
“Mr Fletcher.” Lyon’s hand put my essay down in front of me. 17/20. Lyon was standing behind me, apparently, looking at Alex. I would have thought in earshot, but…
“17 out of twenty, very good,” said Alex. He tousled my hair like I was a good boy. “Would you have one there for me, sir?” Alex looked up angelically, big puppy dog eyes. I could have licked him.
Alex got 16/20, as was our habit all through school.
“Oh!” He feigned disappointment.
I was out on the oval, with Raymond, having just returned from having a cigarette, at recess, when Alex came strolling over.
I liked watching him walk towards me, it always made me feel good, made me smile. He seemed like mine whenever he was coming to me.
“You stink,” were his first words.
“You got a mint,” I asked Raymond, my smoking buddy.
“Here’s you homework,” said Alex.
Raymond handed me a packet of Steam Rollers.
Alex nodded his head towards the end of the oval. “I've got something I want to tell you.”
Alex looked at Raymond.
“I've got to go, anyway,” said Raymond. “I've got to get to the library.”
Alex and I walked away from the school buildings.
“How was that in class today,” said Alex. “Do you think Lyon knows…
“Do you think he saw?”
I, of course, knew exactly what Alex was talking about. I think this was just my way of keeping an upper hand over him.
“You looking at my cock, you idiot!”
“Relax,” I said. I held my hands up in exclamation marks. “Schoolboy lovers outed by teacher, I can see the headline.”
Alex looked around, checking. I knew there was no one within earshot.
“Shhh!,” said Alex, like a snake. “Don’t joke.”
“Lyon knows nothing,” I said. “Besides, you were the one sticking it in my face.”
“But, that look on his face…”
“He knows nothing.”
We got to the fence. Alex sat up on it. I stood next to him and we looked back at the school.
“Smoking will kill you, you know,” said Alex.
“Something has to.”
“Yeah, but it doesn't have to be self-inflicted... ” He punched me on the shoulder. "You know."
“You’ll kill me,” I said.
I didn't know why I said that. It just came out, from some held, hidden truth. I guess Alex made me nervous. No, Alex didn't make me nervous, but the truth did.
Boys were playing football. Craig Cameron and David Johnson were kicking to Steve A and Jonathon Temple. Boys sat in circles next to them, how no one got trodden on, I’m not sure. Others sat, on seats dotted around the perimeter, in groups.
“Are we really lovers?” asked Alex, gently.
I laughed, snorted through my nose. “I've got to get to class. I want to ask Barnaby about a question I’m having trouble with.”
I started to walk away.
I turned back. “What?”
I couldn't help but smile. “I guess, Mr Roberts,” I said, walking backwards. “That we are.”
Alex smiled his beautiful smile and the sun caught his fair hair and it glistened brightly.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Bloody giving up smoking! Grumble, grumble.
Do you think they talk about us when we are gone, those running the shop, the deli, the 7 11? He gets styvos and never wants a carry bag.
No, hang on. I can remember a time when he bought two ice creams and he asked for a bag then. So, he has said yes at least once that I remember.
Well, hardy ever.
I some times day dreamed, that was our secret game, See if he takes one, this time. They always seemed to smile, just after I said no, no carry bag thanks. The "Say No" game.
Surely the smile wasn't from the instant profit on the bag calculation?
Do you think they have pet names for us - Red, Skinny, Smelly, Bad-hair, Hot Boy, Hot Girl, Rabbit?
When I walk in its, Here comes Smoking Man. He always buys the newspaper, some times both.
Can anyone fit the Age on a cafe table comfortably and eat their lunch? It's breaking the habit. Hedging my bets, just in case the Age fails to amuse. I want gossipy real life crap for a public holiday morning reading.
I've been home all weekend. I've only ventured out to the milk bar to get fags - and ice creams and fish and chips and neenish tarts. Oops!
Get a look at the smoker, does he look like he's been on a mindless hooch bender, or what?
Getting more and more disheveled, by the day, no doubt. I don't think I had a shower, yesterday?
Can I have a packet of styvos?
I've got a beanie for when it's really bad.
That long, never ending walk to the milk bar. In reality, it's only two blocks, but sauced, it's the longest plank in history. I always know when I'm out of it, I don't make contact with the milk bar proprietors.
Ooh, no. Not looking. Not looking. No eye contact, they whisper behind the counter. How are you feeling Smoking Man? No bag, thanks. No eye contact. Fifty dollar note. None. Change. Not well today, Smoking Man! they cheer silently.
I've got pet names for them. Fat Boy, Puppy Dog eyes, Mini Me, Doofus, Boss Man, PussFaced Son and The Gusher...
The sun was shining brightly, I had to cover my eyes. Ah, the smell of early morning, nothing like it - a fresh, but still wet behind the ears, hello.
The cleaning lady is coming today. I'm glad I remembered that. I have to present some semblance of normalcy for when she comes. I wonder what time?
Christine. Her name is Christine. Like the car. Well, not quite like the car, hopefully.
I was going to text David to cancel her, but decided that cancelling her on the morning she was due to work didn't have much integrity surrounding it.
I'm glad I didn't appear like an apparition in the hall way, with my pants around my ankles, barking like the harp seals are now, as she came through the door. I'm glad I remembered she was coming, so there is no risk of that happening.
Can I have a packet of styvos, please?
Integrity, shmegrity, I wish she wasn't coming now.
It's MY HOLIDAY as well! Even with a broken car, I can have a good, uninterrupted, holiday too! What idiot works on a public holiday? Put your feet up, woman, take a brake, it might never happen. Spend the day with your family. moist sigh.
She must be completely mad, she's prepared to go into gay boy's privates, further than any gay boy cleaner ever would. I wonder if she knows what all those leather bracelets have really been used for, as she arranges them neatly in a basket on my bed room mantle piece.
10am. I could have another joint, I reckon.
I wonder if she needs a hep A shot? Well, I've been monogamous all year, so she hardly needs one with me. But it's a thought, hey?
Isabella was back on one of her infrequent return trips home. She's taken Steve shopping for Gavin for some running clothes.
The cellophane wrapper crinkled in Isabella's grip. "How do I know which ones fit him?"
"Just get small, they stretch," said Steven.
"But that seems so haphazard," replied Isabella. "Is Gavin really small?"
"He's the same size as me, I'd buy small, then they are snug."
"You're the same size, of course," said Isabella. "Where are the change rooms?" She took Steve's arm with a firm grip.
There wasn't much room in the change rooms with Isabella, as well. Steve looked at Isabella pleadingly. "Just put them on, Steve. I ran modelling agencies before call centres." Steve still didn't look convinced. "I'm a middle aged woman, Steve. You are a little too young for me."
Steve dropped his pants and took the black tights from Isabella's hand.
He pulled them up to his waist, they were snug.
"Let me see." Isabella's hand slipped up under Steve's shirt, pulling the shirt out of the way, coming to rest just under Steve's nipples, her hand on his skin.
Nothing was hidden under the black, stretch material. Nothing but the truth. Every thing was very real, every contour, every muscle.
"How do they fit here?" Steve jumped as Isabella's hand caressed his balls. "Not too tight?"
"No," Steve choked out.
"Young men," said Isabella. She laughed. "I forget how modest you are."
Sunday, April 08, 2007
I stood amongst the cursed and doomed of the world, my generation, proudly.
And then there he was. A little more buff than I remembered, but it was unmistakably him.
"Hey, J," I yelled out. "J, it's Christian."
He looked around.
"J, over here, with the doomed."
He looked straight at me. Did he have blue contacts in?
Then he was standing next to me. He brushed the angel foot soldiers away. He cut his hands through the air horizontally and the trumpets and the fanfares and percussion stopped. The clouds rejoined and there was silence.
"Good to see you buddy."
"Oh, it was nothing," he said. "Just a little something Aunt Clara taught me. Before she headed for the twilight home, that is."
"So you liked it?"
He pulled a head-set from his lap-lap. "The entrance was a great success, thanks Libbers." He looked back at me. "I had to draw the line at the ermine cape." He raised his eyebrows. "I asked him where that got him?"
We both laughed.
"So, where have you been?"
"Oh, I've been lifting weights with Gianni and doing lunch with Di, on Ceres. Nice girl, good legs." "I thought you looked more toned."
"Does it show?" He did a twirl.
None of the faithful showed up, too busy castigating the world. Although, a few were still harping at the doomed, in the distance, too intent to notice. He helps those who help themselves, was the faint whisper of their words on the breeze.
J looked at the gathered crowd. "So, who do we have here?"
"Oh, these are the cursed and the doomed..."
"Cursed and doomed?" he asked questioningly. "I thought you were all supposed to be loving your fellow man?"
"Well... I've been trying to tell them."
"There should be no cursed or doomed," he said. "Love thy neighbour, love thy enemy, that's what it's all about."
"I think the message got lost in a million agendas..."
"It is all about selfless love," he said. "Did nobody listen?" He raised his hands in the air.
"Interesting theory," I said, jokingly.
"What were, practicaly, my last words," he asked, rhetorically. "You can tell the righteous from the damned by whether they'd fed the hungry; slaked the thirsty, clothed the naked, welcomed the stranger and visited the prisoner."
"I think money got in the way."
"Didn't they listen to the camel and the needle stuff?"
"What can I say?"
"You are all supposed to share," he said. "If you did there is plenty to go around."
He spoke into his head-set again. "I'll be here longer than I thought. It won't be a quick trip after all."
He looked back at me. "Turn the other cheek stuff?"
"So there is a lot of violence..." He grimaced. "Killing?"
He could tell by my look. "In your name, sometimes."
The sky was the most brilliant blue, the sun shone brightly. Birds sang. Nature was at its most spectacular.
"So are you here to take vengeance?"
"You know, on those who didn't follow the gospels?"
"What, take vengeance on them who knew not, and obeyed not the gospel?" he said. "You blokes make me laugh that you've stuck with that old book. Don't you ever update?"
What could I say. I shrugged and looked around. "Not me."
"You're like old Italian immigrants adhering to the old traditions long since let go of in the homeland."
He pulled a toga over his head that, seemingly, appeared from no where.
"Ah, what a mess." he sighed.
There were sandals at his feet, which he stepped into.
"So, did you really name the whole thing after me?" I had to ask.
He smiled. "Come on, I've got a new book for you to read," he said. "This time the main character's name is Brian."
"Genius," I said.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
I can write for two days... uninterrupted, do some real writing and not be addicted to blogger.
The sun has faded and it has gone dark the next time I look up and take notice. How did that happen, I think.
The door bell rang at 11pm and I was so busy blogging, completely engrossed. I had three windows open, I had a lot to close.
Imagine, if it is Manny, he can't read what I've said about him. That thought made me stop and think. Honest Chris, I pride myself on it?
So, I was slow getting to the door; I can have private thoughts, how much do I have to tell him? When I finally did, there was nobody there. I walked outside, said hello. But nobody.
I walked back inside scratching my head. Fuck, what if it was Manny? He's got that disposition, lots of nervous energy, he'd leave quickly.
I walk back outside and say hello again.
Nah, he would have called by now. He'd have come by public transport - he's not beyond taxiing it, even if he is broke. He's gay, after all, some things don't change.
Either way, he wouldn't have given up so easily.
I wish he'd drop in. Grrr!
If he'd ever just drop in, I'd probably marry him on the spot.
Unless, he comes back soon, then I'd just shag him.
I've been working on two short stories, both started some time ago. I made the most incomplete make sense, gave it a story. It came to me quickly. Add the family, at the beginning. Let him talk to the dead guy, poetic licence. Now I just have to flesh it out. It's about a young guy coming out to his parents, to a mother who's brother had died of AIDS, some time earlier. The uncle comes and talks to him.
I don't usually write gay stories, I've never wanted to be a "gay" writer, as such. But, David asked my why, the other day? Then I asked myself why? And the only thing I felt, to be honest, was internalised homophobia. Funny huh?
The most complete is coming together. It's about a young guy who's girlfriend has just been killed. It's slow. Final stages. Initially, it was just his thoughts, bookended by his dreams of her. I've changed its name, so it refers to him and not her, it's his story. Re-set it. I made him running, while he's thinking. In the present, the only thing he wants to do, is run. There's not much subtext, yet.
I'm at the stage, with both of them, that I can't tell any more. I'm written out.
My tutor's short stories were quite short - I counted the words - but she seemed to get so much detail in. Every sentence has to count as a paragraph. Every sentence has to say something. She got it, I guess that's why she's won awards and competitions... and is published. I'm not sure if enough happens in my stories.
I've got two more, at the notes stage to continue, after the two I'm writing now. I've got to push myself, I get distracted so easily. I've got to enter some competitions, get out there.
My head's spinning.
I'm going to bed.