Obese Olwyn

Obese Olwyn suddenly shrieked today in the office, "Basement closed for urgent maintenance! OMG!" 

I jumped. We all jumped. Everybody looked around.

I wondered if she was talking about herself? I mean, looking at her, it is not hard to believe. Most days she seems to wear a black bedspread fashioned into a pantsuit/skirt dress/poncho/kimono/circus tent. That is the best way, only way, I can describe her fashion sense.

Then she rushed out of the office. Which is unusual, as the fat girls don't usually shriek and rush out of the office until much later in the year.

My mind boggled. Did the building shake? Did it? Or was that just me, my inner brain adding the sensor-round for the visual I was getting. You know, kind of a reverse motion sickness.

She came back some time later with a huge slab of chocolate cake, which she devoured like a fucking champion. It clearly wasn't her first day at the cake trolley. I walked over surreptitiously to be sure she was munching down a slab of chocolate cake that was big enough to feed a 10 year old's birthday party, when she looked up and I shivered in shock thinking she must have fallen after she rushed out of the building and knocked out several of her teeth, but it was only chocolate cake plastered across her pearly whites.

I wondered if she was stress eating, you know, with the immanent collapse of “her basement,” parenthesis in the air. Looking at her, I was surprised it had stood up this long.

It has been my experience that all Olwyns are fat? It is a fat name.

It turned out The Basement was a cafe and that she was less focused on her pelvic floor than she was on her favourite food. Like we were all shocked. Nobody saw that coming. [big eyes]

They scream "big bones" or "dodgy thyroid" the big girls do, but generally that is not, actually, the problem. Generally, it has a lot less to do with genes and a lot more to do with slabs of chocolate cake, as was proved today, no matter what they say.

I am still laughing at her reaction, shrieking and running out of the office with her purse in her doughy hand. I think everybody jumped.

It was mind boggling, as Sam loves to say. It is his favourite expression. 

If you could harness the power of something coming between a fat girl and her chocolate cake, all the world's energy problems would be solved, I am sure.