Thursday, November 02, 2017

The Body Count Is Growing

Seems to me that I am ditching friends like I peel off soiled jocks and discard them, there now seems to be a trail of them across the bedroom floor of my life. I really do have the ability to turn my back and walk away without ever glancing back, I know that about myself.

Mark seems to be the latest. I think that makes all my ex's estranged now. He hasn't contacted me since we had our falling out, a week ago. Nothing. No messages. No emails. No phone calls. I'm guessing this is serious then. I did send him a terrible message telling him exactly what I thought about the situation, which I now feel was regrettable. I so wanted to send him another message telling him how sorry I was for the previous message, but as you can tell from the last sentence, there has been too many messages and I decided that it was time just to keep silent, so I have. (My judgement isn’t always sound, of course)

I still haven't told Sam. I haven't told anybody.

I'm no longer friends with any of my ex's where I used to be friends with all of them. Like ducks in a shooting gallery, bang, bang, bang. I'm wondering what is going wrong? We've been friends for so long and then bam, bam, bam, not friends any more. I can tell it is serious with Mark this time, I can feel it.

My sister and brother last year. They pissed me off with the winding up of all my mother's stuff. They just didn't seem to care about anybody but themselves. Get rid of everything, like it was a poisonous rag needing to be disposed of quickly.

Perry. You know, and I shouldn't say this, (I’m not exactly sure why I shouldn’t say anything on my blog, but there you go) but Perry was always just too much of a country hick for me. We persisted for 20 years, yep, 20 years, but really his simplistic look-at-me antics really are just nauseating, if I am truthful. His goofy attitude is why so many people like him, but, for the most part, it just made me groan.

Sebastian, well, maybe not Sebastian, not yet, he hangs on to our friendship by a thread. We'll have to see how that one pans out, when Shane gets back from OS. I do feel sorry for Sebastian really, but not sorry enough to call him up and say let’s do coffee. He fell out with David (another friend I've still got) when David fell out with Tully, which meant David fell out with Shane, because Sebastian can't keep his mouth shut and he reported back to Shane and Tully what David had been saying, or something like that. I never really did follow it in the first place, but I digress. Sebastian has lived with James Wang ever since I have known them, 25 years, and Sebastian and James were a part of our group when we were younger and drug taking party queens, 20 years ago, back in the days when it was all more clandestine, and way more fun than it is now, I can only assume, as I don't do it now. Well, James was one of the ones who didn't make it out of that period unscathed. There were a couple, James, my ex Anthony and Fergus who died. (almost an ex, Robert Gamble, although he is still around, but damaged. Sexy Robert Gordon… and beautiful Anthony Orrontello, both dead) Collateral damage to lives lived large. Well, anyway, James has been in mental decline ever since, for years and Sebastian has really looked after him for all this time. Well, apparently, Sebastian has finally had enough and wants out. Poor Sebastian.

Dante. Except Dante isn't going to be around for much loner, did I tell you, he got busted for dealing ice? And with the current mood, the alleged ice epidemic, that ain't gonna go well for him, I am thinking. Dante lost his business, and pretty much everything else, in the GFC. And while he had a job for a short time after that, more recently, he has not been able to get a job. Long term unemployment led to dealing, you know, as it does. (I don't really mean that, but that is what has happened for Dante.) We had a misunderstanding, more recently, so I headed over there on my bike to sort it out, one sunny morning. The last time I saw him, actually. Perry came to get a deal and Dante pulled out this box from a lower section of his coffee table, which had rocks of, I guess it is called, crystal. I was a bit surprised at the time, I remember thinking, I'm guessing that is an awful lot. I don't know, I don't know what a lot of that stuff is, I've only ever seen it like salt in a small plastic bag. So, if he had that much when the pigs kicked in his door, I'm guessing he'd better be getting a really good lawyer. (I’m guessing Perry’s friend Pug, the lawyer in Sydney, who defends all the gay boys who get caught has been wheeled into action)

Adrianna told me (there's a friend I still have) about Dante, she'd had lunch with Sebastian who told her in the strictest confidence, and she told me and Sam. "Don't tell anybody, will you?" said Adrianna.

That is one thing I have always been good with, if you tell me not to tell anybody, my mouth is like the Bank of England (I walked passed it earlier this year, it is still like a fort) I won't tell a soul.

Which is quite a shame, as it is the goss of the year and I can’t tell David. Oh well. (David is in Italy with Italian Sebastian) Earlier this year I told David, straight-faced. “Dante is dead. Drug overdose.” And David was so shocked. Then I said, “Ha ha, kidding, you should have seen the look on your face.” And we both laughed heartily. And now I have the real goss and I can’t say anything. Grrr! 


I so wish Tom was here, he’d have a lot to say about Dante. He’d call Dante up without any hesitation. “Sister, what’s going on with you?” he’d say. I so miss Tom. (I tear up when I think about him)

And then there is Josh and Manny and Jude and shit! So many ex-friends. There are some I have probably forgotten too. (You must know that you never really counted as a friend, if I forget you when I am compiling a list of friends I have lost?)

Me and Sam and Buddy and a bag of pot. Pffffff, what else do I need? Except, Sam won't let me have the bag of pot.

"You are too boring for words when you are stoned," says Sam. “I know you think you are delightful, but in reality, you are incoherent.”

Now, if I could just make him a pot-head, he'd be the perfect boyfriend, but alas, he won't be turned. Damn him!

So, the thing is, in a long-winded round about way, I'm good on my own. I am good with my own company. As fat Rod Scampton said about me in high school, "Christian is a loner." I was a little shocked as a 17 year old to hear that, but ever since I have taken it as a bitter way of saying that I am very happy with my own company and so therefore don't specifically need the person who uttered such words in my life. Rod and I are no longer friends, but that isn't a recent thing. And, I am guessing, that this is the reason I can walk away from friendships. My friendships tend to be long term, but that seems to be no guarantee that they will survive “forever” as they say. I read somewhere recently that if you are friends with somebody for over 7 years that friendship will last a life time. Leah, Perry, Dante, and now Mark, all friendships that have lasted many, many years passed 7 that seem to be failing now. (Good thing he has lots of friends to lose, good thing he made lots of friends in his social butterfly twenties, he says nervously)

And it is probably me, you know. My levels of empathy are not really high. I don't have sympathy for the usual things for which people seem to have sympathy. I have sometimes wondered if I could get myself tested. I read psychological profiles of psychopaths and sociopaths with trepidation, I tell you. I have never really matched up with any, but I do wonder sometimes which... path I might be. But then again, that is also why people love me in the first place, because I come from a different place, so people tell me. (I choose to take that as a compliment.) You know how your best quality is also often your worst quality. Yep, bingo!


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