Wednesday, May 04, 2016

These are not extraordinary times, Mr Morrison

“This cannot just be another budget, because these are extraordinary times,” Mr Morrison said in delivering his maiden budget tonight.

Um, really? I'd like to disagree with you Mr Morrison, these are not extraordinary times. It is just business as usual for most of us. The only thing "extraordinary," about these times is that you are fighting for you political life and that your useless government has the possibility of getting back into power. I agree, another 3 years of your dithering, ideology driven, right wing, Christian, govern for the rich nonsense could be "extraordinary" for this country. (But we will fix that come July 2nd)

The potential for you losing your job may be "extraordinary" for you, but not so much for the rest of us. We're all just going to work and living our lives like at any other time, trying to decipher the lies you politicians continue to tell us.

Just because you say these times are extraordinary, for your own political, spin, purposes, it, actually, makes them no more extraordinary that any other times.

Monday, May 02, 2016

Marriage Equality

You know, I've never really cared that much about marriage equality, for myself. I've just never been that into it. I don't know why, I've just been kind of neutral about it. I've never really understood what the advantage was of a ceremonial function in confirming one's relationship.

However, that is just me, and clearly other people feel differently. Many people say it is important to them, and the rest of the Western World has decided in their favour, which is wonderful. It means we are a fair and just world society, which is less homophobic than we may otherwise think it is.

But you know, in Australia, now, it just seems to be getting quite ridiculous. The endless talking, the continuing discussions, the debates, all the yap, haven't we heard it all by now? What more is there to say? It has been legalised by many, many countries in the world and what has been the consequence of this? Well, nothing, other than the world continuing to spin and a group of adults who always wanted to get married have got married. No skies fell in. No sink holes opened up and swallowed Sodom all over again. What else does Australia need to know?

The people who believe in The Almighty will always be against it because of the ancient manuscript they believe is the word God. We know that. Surely, we don't need them to state their religious beliefs over and over again. Their religious beliefs haven't changed, as they keep assuring us. 2000 years and counting.

The practising Christians now amount to something like 8% of the population.

Practising Gays amount to something like 10% of the population.

From all accounts, something like 70% of the population think that marriage equality should be legalised.

So, two questions,

Why are we spending, what is it, 160 million dollars to find out something that we already know? That the majority of the people think that marriage equality should be legalised. It doesn't really make sense to spend so much money to find out something we already know. We could spend 160 million dollars on the poorest schools in Australia. Wouldn't that make a huge difference to those schools?

I don't know what the Christians get out of marriage equality being legalised, or not being legalised? If marriage equality remains illegal, or if marriage equality becomes legal, how will the lives of Christians differ under each scenario?

Sunday, May 01, 2016

Development encroaches on the Yarra

The shops are open, the wealthy, the healthy and the lame

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Walking Home

Afternoon In The City

The Work Shop

Friday, April 29, 2016

Nothing but a leather choker

David, it all happened at home, apparently. There was quite a fuss. She arrived at hospital wearing nothing but a leather choker. (creates a pretty picture, now doesn’t it) She is still outraged about why they did not give her a bed, instead they stuck her in a wheel chair. Yes, she has made a formal complaint, apparently.

The boyfriend was so freaked out, tweaked out, fucked up, that he stayed in Dante's house for 4 days before he dared to leave, could bare to drag himself out. To be fair, a boyfriend for Dante is someone who hasn't left by morning. So who knows who he was? Sebastian had to lock up the house after Twitchy managed to pull it all together. Apparently, Sebastian is none too please with this turn of events. I'm guessing that means that Sebastian had to monitor the "boyfriends" goings on over this period.

Dante said, that he had noticed that his left hand side had become paralysed and his heart was missing a beat. Apparently, she has one, who knew. So he asked the boyfriend, from Ireland, Mr Potato Head, to call 000, which he did, which saved Dante's life. She remains in Love with him. Christian.

Omg!!! That's full on!!! I'm more in shock, saddened... than seeing it as funny!!! It's quite tragic quite frankly !!! Oh Dear!!! Speak later xx, said David. The leather choker, though, is quite the touch!!!

Oh darling, the only thing that would have made it funnier would have been if the bitch died! said Christian. In her own vomit. With the syringe still in her fucken arm! And Sebastian Instagramming the whole thing.

Do you eat seafood risotto? said Christian. Diner, tomorrow night. I'm cooking.

6:18pm. You are outrageous! said David.

Mr Potato Head saved the day

Subject: are you still being silly

Dear Gloria , Yes , Happiness is the new Black .

As for the less fortunate , let me say this .

It all happened at home ! Apparently. There was quite a fuss . She arrived at hospital wearing nothing but a leather choker. She is still outraged about why they did not give her a bed , but , stuck her in a wheel chair . Yes , she has made a formal complaint.

The boyfriend was so freaked out he stayed in Dante's house for 4 days before daring to leave . Sebastian locked up the house after that. Alas , he is not to keen on seeing Dante again. She said , that she had noticed that her left hand side had become paralysed and her heart was missing a beat, pardon the pun. So she asked the boyfriend , from Ireland , Mr potato head , to call 000 which he did and saved her life. She remains in Love with him.

I am pleased that you have considered carefully , not to embrace universal concepts and quasi religious crap

A property heiress huh , well considering all the suffering you have been through , you deserve it . However , still no Diamonds.


Are we bitches? Sure we are. Does Dante bring it on himself? Yes, he does. OMG! The disasters Dante has been involved in. No, really... Well, not the stroke... well, actually, he did... well, maybe, it could be argued, (heavy drug use, no sleep, previous stroke, you do the maths) there is a chance? He's been very quiet and mysterious about this latest incident, leaving it up to us to find out for ourselves. And prying minds will make shit up if you keep it from them. I thought he'd been very quiet, just lately. 

There has been a life time of friendship where Dante has played the one-upmanship game with all of us. Years of him trying to gain on the rest of us, the problem being is that he is not very good at it. And the rest of us are pretty smart, and good at it. Vicious Queens? Sure we are. What else are friends for? Brothers. Sisters. And Dante has gone out of his way in his attempts to be top dog. Socially. The problem is that he has just stuck his foot in it every time. And there have been monumental stuff ups and mistakes on his part. And we've all had a good laugh. You know, if anybody is going to fuck it up, Dante is the one. So you will have to excuse us bitches for being, um, er, bitches, but it is what he has always bought out in all of us.

There has been two failed businesses, two bankruptcies, a car lost in a river, another car mysteriously taken by a "friend" and never seen again. One boyfriend (I use the term in its loosest sense) who lied about his HIV status and guess what... One guy who he followed to Sydney and the cusp of ruin, yet again. He's lost his licence for drug driving. Twice. He got a dog, that turned vicious and used to attack everyone who visited, but Dante couldn't see the problem. Worst dog ever and it lived until a ripe old age. I think it drowned in the flat flood. There was the sperm donation to a lesbian friend that went horribly wrong. There was a kidnapping in Europe, that stretched from Santorini to Berlin and back. Oh, I am making shit up now? I wish I was?

Recently, Dante has lost his job and doesn't seem to be able to get another one. He let a previous loser hookup lose his place for him by flood, (explain that to the apartment owners below who lost their apartments too... after months of loud music and partying to boot) and just when that particular phase was supposed to be sorted, it turned out the loser had put thousands of dollars worth of bills in Dante's name, for which he had to pay. (can you go bankrupt 3 times?) The list goes on, he is a disaster.

He is now partying hard with people he barely knows, such as his life has become. He's acting like an 18 year old and he just won't hear that there is anything wrong with his behaviour, using drugs with a younger and younger crowd, despite all of us telling him what a mistake he is making... off his face and dealing to support his habit.

All of that when he has already had a stroke, a few years ago. Far too young to be having a stroke, to be sure, but, really, is there any age... he's 20 years passed 20 and really, has pissed away every advantage he ever had.

So, this is what it has got to... it is so tragic it is now laughable, and that is what we do. Judge us? Sure, we're being utter fucking bitches, but eventually all you can do is point and laugh. 

That is what we do, in the face of adversity, we laugh and hug each other tight.

Okay, you want me to say that Dante is a nice guy under all of that? That he has a heart of gold and that despite his plethora of failings, he is one of the sweetest guys I know? That is what you want me to say, isn't it? I'm chuckling now. This is the funniest line I have written. (It is really an "in" joke) I wish Tom was still alive, I wish David was reading this, they would kill themselves laughing. It is what we've always done, it has driven Dante nuts over the years. Is Dante a nice guy, we'd pose the question, but never answer it, never answer it so Dante could hear that is.

The answer is in the question? The question would never have been asked, if the answer wasn't obvious, something Dante has never quite grasped.

Too fucken delicious

Subject: are you still being silly

Et Vous? Things are working out quite well , the Freedom of information aspect is starting to filter in , it read like a horror story . My phyc will have a field day . 

If I were you I would sell the "diamonds" and redress the "Box" with Toad skin. That's just me.

Are you tying to tell me that, nor even your Mother left you her Diamonds? Mine is leaving me with $35000 worth. I don't need to wax lyrical about ex-husbands , I was sensible and never really had one.

I do hope that you , like so many others , have not made "The Universe" your New Age Church in the sky , which provides for you as a supreme power would.

You are just getting all misty , like all Australians , about rusty iron.

I am happy for you that you have retired , good for you luv . I do hope that your accountant has given you the green light to Gayly indulge in a facelift and lipo-suction. One can't be seen as retiring old AND looking it. You have a young husband , that's just life luv.

Use the cash or lose it all, so to speak.

Perhaps I will never see Dante again , but she is already doing it. Had her stroke being done in the sling , apparently , no wonder she is a friend of yours.

Bye for now Liz , I am actually quite happy myself . It's the way to go.


(David) OMG! It is too too delicious!, said Christian. I mean I could not write this stuff.

Darling, prepare yourself for the single funniest piece of news you have ever heard

What ? asked David

and I quote… she had her stroke "being done" in a sling, said Christian.

David called, we cackled like witches.

Subject: are you still being silly

Oh dear Lord, I spat my coffee across the coffee table like the United Nations fountain. I couldn’t write this stuff, darling. Poor bitch! I’m going to hell, for sure. But funny. The mental picture is just too delicious. There’s Dante giving it all boof and doof, upstairs at a sex on prem venue, the crystal pipe inserted in him like a tracheotomy, sucking it down like an industrial vacuum, slobbering every last drop. “Ah! Harder! Give it to me!…” then the eyes roll back in her head and she starts to dribble like a 1 year old. Oh, darling… Did she require an Oxford Street Taxi to get her sad old quivering carcass out of there? The picture I have in my head needs to be seen to be believed. Welcome to my fucken nightmare!

New Age Church, dohl? Any church, New Age, Old Age, Iron Age, would self immolate if I set foot inside, and I’d cackle and dance the atheist jig, maybe I’d even sacrifice a pig, just for the hell of it, cut off its tits and suck the still lactating beast right down, as I watched the fools burn. Screaming as the white hot flames licked at their fair skin. The only supreme power on this planet is my current husbands love, anything else is bogus, or plain nonsense. Fairytales, said with the conviction of retarded children.

One day I must do the old FOI thingy myself to see what the Feds have on Christian Fletcher Bank Robber. I was a suspect once. Apparently, I’ve got a file, Interpol photos and all. Apparently, I am considered an international criminal, in some circles.

My mother left me property, honey.

Facelifts? Young Husbands? Darl, I’ve lost 10 kilos, and I’m exercising every day, except when it is inclement, of course. My young husband will have to be having surgery himself just to keep up with me. Good thing he is divine.

Happiness is the new black, darling.

Gloria Wandrous

The Whales of August

Subject: Re: are you still being silly

You are remaining very quiet , at the moment . ! .

Was it something , I , said.

You really must consider that I have had to deal with all 7 of your divorced husbands.

I now call you Liz not Joan Taylor , and you poor bitch , not one fucking Diamond in your safe . Surely that means something.

I had lunch with Dante on Tuesday ,  he's has had another stroke , but is in good spirits and within 3 months she should be fine again . Lucky thing, it was sensory not motor stroke.

Anyway , you should be lying , stoned , on the couch , and not giving a flying F*** about anything.

A (ntony) xox

Subject: Re: are you still being silly

Silly? Darling? No, not here, not since 2007. Why do you ask?

I'm listening to the rain fall. It is midday and it is overcast and dark, even if the night shadows crept away from whence they came many hours ago. The grey of night seemingly quivers before my very eyes. I love the sound of the rain falling on my tin roof, there is something quite lovely about that sound. Romantic. Comforting, like the sun rising in the morning, or your mother loving you.

I think Dionne Warwick is the perfect sound track for rain falling on the roof. Say a little prayer. Walk on by. Trains and boats and planes. The girl’s in love with you. This house is not a home. Do you know the way to San Jose.

An infinite number of the universe's fingers strumming lightly on the roof above me. The rhythm of the rain, rocks me gently into submission for the rest of the day. Calm. Smooth. Relaxed. even if it is far too wet to consider leaving the front door.

I usually keep my 7 ex-husbands together in a diamond encrusted box set on the mantle, I’ll have to investigate for any signs of escape, but for now, I believe, there has been no getting out and about for any of them. Each one a diamond in their own right with a sparkle all of their own.

Ah Dante, funny you should mention him, I was just discussing The Whales Of August this morning with a dear friend. Give him my luv, if you ever see him again, and I’m sure he’ll be back to doing what he does best in no time.

I’m Splendid, darling, thanks for asking. I am enjoying my retirement immensely.

Et Vous?


Dante 2016

Dante 2016

(Dante had a stroke sometime ago and he has continued on his ice binge from hell life style ever since. He's been giving us all the shits for some time now, with his stupidity... and surprise, surprise, he has just has another stroke)
Today, 12:21 PM

Bahahahahahahaha... shot early this morning, said David
Oh… I might go to hell for that one, said Christian.
Why for telling the truth .... Pearly gates for you my darling ..., pearly gates .... said David. LMFAO!!! Gave me the best laugh this morning !!!
Bette Davis post stroke, even I got a that’s-too-far-twinge, as I hit send, said Christian. Between the cackles, you understand
No darling ... No darling .... Perfect ... Perfect… The Truth is never Pretty !!! , said David. Cackle cackle cackle

Thursday, April 28, 2016

May Your Life Be As Awesome As You Pretend It To Be On Facebook

May your life be as awesome as you pretend it to be on Facebook.


I'm a writer, a rockstar, a gangster, a space cadet, a raconteur. I am the great, dark mysterious man who brings light into my lover's lives. I am whoever I want to be, in my mind racing away from me with fantasy, or delusion, all I have to do is chose, click my heals 3 times and I am transformed like I am on the best drugs the world has ever developed, to the theme song of Doctor Who.

I am a sailor on a huge ocean going liner, the open sea is my friend. I drink whisky and play strip poker with the other sailors when the nights get long and we are bored.

I am a stripper, with my own drug habit and greased pole, with a benevolent pimp named Gerry who wears far too much gold, who smells of perfume and cum, who looks out for me with a pearl-handled shank.

I am a beautiful vampire, I dazzle my conquests with my alabaster skin and my prefect features, before I nuzzle their neck, before I bite their warm skin seductively and drink their blood.

I am a Mongolian goat herder who has nothing and who is the happiest man on the planet.

I am a deep sea diver searching for ancient treasure.

I drive a black Citroen D series from Melbourne to London with my adorable boyfriend who hangs off every word I utter. Ha, ha, it is to dream. You just know I'd hate him if he did.

I am a gambler and I sit at the high rollers table thinking nothing about putting down a million, or making a poor croupier, with a sparkle in his blue eyes, rich.

I am a grifter with a bleach-blonde pre-op transexual girlfriend named Bunny, living on my whits, living one step ahead of those who I have swindled. 

I am an insane mercenary who takes a gun and shoots all the frackers dead, one by one. I, of course, do not travel alone, I have my all-kicking, all-screaming, fierce drag queen singing pack, Frocks for Humanity, who ruthlessly track and eliminate the enemy by my side, often ahead of me. Those girl's are killers. All the bloated corporate enemy hears is the first bars of, "I am what I am," before the machine gun's fire.

I am a world famous painter, I ooze colour and movement. I am a member of the jet-set and I am lauded for my talent and whit. I die from a heroine overdose at the height of my fame, because it is chic and I am too bored to contribute to the world any longer.

I run Indian hotels off the beaten track with my man servant Abu and my trusty Hindustan Ambassador.

I support starving children in African countries along side dedicated doctors.

I climb mountains in Nepal just because they are there. I run my fingers over the dead, frozen corpses of those who came before me as a sign of respect.

I design beautiful waterlily gardens with poetic bridges, just because I can. I donate them to the blind when I am done.

I race cars in Monaco just to quaff the champagne when I win.

I discover the answer to global warming and save humanity.

I develop a truth serum for politicians and save the world's sanity.

I meditate in the Tibetan highlands in silence for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Column Shift

Who amongst you could drive a column shift? I was watching a Youtube clip of a man driving a column shift Link - Buick Super 8 it all came back to me, like riding a bike, or water skiing.

You're out in the bush, staying on your uncles farm, many kilometres from anybody else, kilometres from help. Your uncle and aunt have driven to Queensland for holidays. They have taken their Mercedes 450 SEL 6.9, your aunt's Citroen DS is being used by another relative in Melbourne and the farm ute isn't working, the clutch has gone. The only car in the shed is a 1948 manual column shift Buick Super 8, your uncle's pride and joy. 

The grass fire is rapidly approaching. You have been given the order to leave, by text. How many of you could drive a manual column shift car to safety? 

I could. Could you?

I guess it is a skill I have, not one I have any real need to use, but I can. Like the blacksmith, or using a manual type writer. 

In fact, it is how I leaned to drive, kind of. I was always fascinated with cars, and I was smart and observant. I was on my uncle's farm and we were herding sheep. The flock all started to go the wrong way and we had to turn them around. My uncle was heading off to head them off and I was following. He turned to me and said, 

"Hey Chriso go move the ute so we can push them through the bottom paddock."

It was a stressful moment, we were about to lose the entire flock. I was a 14 year old city boy.

"But, but, but... I don't know how to drive."

My leather-faced uncle's eyes flashed as he turned to me and said, "Go and move the fucken ute when I fucken tell you to!"

I moved the ute. It wasn't any thing as exotic as a 1948 Buick Super 8, it was a beige Holden HK ute.

Ah the farm, the open spaces. What was it, 4000 aches up Warracknabeal way. My uncle was a good bloke, but my aunt Olive Joan was a poisonous, psychologically damaged, cruel, egocentric bitch.

Lottie said that we should all feel sorry for her as she'd had great tragedies in her life. She was attacked by a farm hand once. I told Lottie that she'd probably acted all bitch around him and he was just getting his own back. Lottie told me to hush with such talk. And her youngest son was killed in a farming accident. Some say he threw himself under the tray of that wheat truck to get away from her.  My father, who never had a bad word to say about anyone, said, Olive Joan didn't need any tragedies in her life to turn her into a fucking bitch. The old cunt is dead now, she's dancing with Satan, so what do I care. My sister and I sang a round of Ding Dong The Witch is Dead, when we heard.

When I was into collecting old cars, before I realised the insanity of it, I had a 1954 Hillman, which was column shift. That is the last column shift I drove, my two tone green Hillman coupe. Ah the feel of being behind the wheel of an old car, I miss that. But not the bills associated with them, I don't miss those.

Good morning world... as I stood on my balcony and watched the sun rise red and gorgeous