Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Swamp Monster

We work with a finance accountant who nobody likes. My colleague calls her Vinegar Tits. I call her Acid Drops.

She came in during the morning and said that she had a sore back because she had emptied out her pond on the weekend.

I smiled sweetly and said dead pan, “Oh really, so where did you sleep?”

There was a pause, when the world seemed to stop momentarily, that is the moment that I love. That millisecond of potential chaos where it could go either way, but didn’t. Acid Drops looked a little surprised, big eyes, mouth like a fruit loop.

Then I laughed.

And then she laughed, kind of nervously.

Then everybody laughed. Aren’t I funny everybody thought.

“Aren’t you funny,” she said. (And I learnt something that Acid Drops may, actually, have a sense of humour)

It is amazing what you can say if you just make a joke of it. You can get away with just about anything. Of course, they all think I am lovely. I’m on my best behaviour when I am in the office, naturally.

I think the key was that I didn’t add “swamp monster”, or anything like that to the end of my question to Vinegar Tits. The fat, moody cow, everyone hates her. I’m just smart enough to say it in such a way that they all think I am being awfully amusing.

Monday, September 29, 2014

How do you think um, harmonising the polls goes?

Abbott and his government were one of the most hated in Australian history after they had bought out their first budget. They'd fucked it up completely with their incompetence. So what do you think Abbott did it? How do you think it went? 

Do you think Abbott called up Lay.

"Ken, Ken, I'm… I’m… I’m having a little trouble in the po… po… polls."

"Yes, well, Tony it was that terrible budget you bought in."

"Ha a a a a a. I need a distraction, I need something to take my shitty budget off the… off the front page. You must have some of those loser, ah, er, mussos in your sights."

"Yes, Tony I do."

"Could you round a few up, make a show of it? Take a whole lot of your men. Make it a big ah… big ah… big ah… make it big."

"Yes, well, what about those new men I asked for?"

"Yes Ken, Ken, Ken, no ah, no ah, ah, problem. Anything you want."

"Okay, no problem, Tony. Do you need it this week?"

"Ah yes, ah yes, this week, yes. Good, we’re on life support. Ha a a a a. And ah, Ken, I reckon film it and we'll give it, give it straight to Rupert. I don’t want to have to rely on any of those lefty rat bag ABC Journos who are always squawking about transparency."

"I get my new men, Tony and you can consider it done."

"And Ken. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah if you could kill one, that would make it all the more believable."

"No problem, you know how trigger happy the boys are with the excitement of them immanently getting new powers.”

“Ah good. Ha a a a a a.”

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Lick my arse boy, I made you Prime Miniter

So, can you picture 83 year old Rupert Murdoch - I see black socks and a white singlet, pasty flaking skin, varicose veins outlining saggy skin - down on all fours, his ball sack hanging to his knees like spent elastic, with Tony Abbott dressed only in red speedos, pasty white skin, his back covered in patchy black hair, pulling his tiny dick, hanging from his budgie smugglers, as he slides his wet face repeatedly into the octogenarian's split beaver, as Rupert calls breathlessly, "Further in Tony, further in, I'm... I'm... I'm... nearly there." Pant pant pant. "Do to me what you have done to the Australian people, Tony!" Pant pant pant.

Maybe, I am the only one who can get that mental image? He, he, he, he. I find it cathartic, to tell you the truth.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

What was once the lucky country

Does everyone realise that not only will the legislation being passed by the (one term Liberal) government this week allow ASIO to spy on you at any time for any reason in any capacity ASIO decides that it wants to spy on you, it will also ban you from visiting certain countries. The government will only allow you to visit the countries it thinks are suitable for you to visit. Did everybody realise this?

Please don't give me that tired old line, "If you haven't done anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about," because I will counter that with the name of every Royal Commission into police corruption there has been, and there has been many.

Abbott and his team of despicable big business pawns - Rupert told Tony Abbott to lick his arse and the only thing Tony Abbott asked was, Is my tongue in far enough, Mr Murdoch? - have played the national security card because, with the show terrorist emergencies, because, let's face it, they have fucked up everything else. It is the only thing left for them that they look likely to have any success with. And to facilitate their only hope of retaining power, the Australian people have now lost their freedom and their right to travel the world freely. Does everybody realise that?

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Walk instead of the great doom and gloom

I go walking now, instead of watching the news. I recommend that everybody do it. Go and see the world, rather than listening to how it is falling apart. 

You know, my opinion of the news now a days, Relax, it may never fucken happen. Switch the news off, that's what I say. And if you watch Media Watch, half of the news isn't true anyway. The worst thing that ever happened to the news was it being included in the ratings.

So, I go walking instead now. And I've got a great reminder, alarm, if you like. I don't need Outlook, or iPhone, or a smart watch, reoccurring events, or not, I've have Santo.

"Aren't you supposed to be going for a walk?"

"Um... er... oh..." I reply.

"Move your arse fat boy!"

It's lovely. I walk through the Exhibition Gardens, world heritage and all, watch the cute uni students at Melbourne Uni, laugh at the cars stuck in peak hour traffic in Elgin Street as I catch up to them and over take them and leave them behind, watching the day fade away to evening, before my very eyes, without noticing it fade away at all.

And I get dinner cooked for me while I am out. Although, it's not all beer and skittles as I have to clean the kitchen after Santo has used every pot and pan in the kitchen, as cooks who don't clean do, which is really annoying. I guess not as annoying as having your leg bitten off by a shark, or getting harpooned up the arse, but annoying enough.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Who doesn't like a nice arse crack?

I followed a guy on my way home on a bike who had the most perfect bum crack, pretty and perfect. His jeans slid down enough and his shirt rode up enough to give a perfect window onto his love crack.

I never understand why people, often women as much as men, turn up their nose, or pull a face, or say such sight is disgusting. You can understand straight men and, I guess, gay men have a special, maybe unique, relationship with arse cracks, but, woman are supposed to fancy men's bums too. Aren't they?

I so wanted to grab him off his bike hold him by the cheeks and push him face first into the nature strip and slide my tongue inside him... lick his nature strip. I quite like hairy cracks, although I don't like too much hair covering his cheeks, certainly not long hair, a fine down is okay, I guess.

Have him bent over the bonnet of my car. It is a tricky position to get them in, but it is good when you do. Legs spread, back arched. A lasso and handcuffs, if necessary. Ha ha.

That's how pretty it was. Sliding his undies down. Rubbing my nose in his fur. Smelling the sweat. Tasting his scent. 2nd knuckle in deep, in depth.

I've always been an arse man.

Shake of the head. Back to the real world. Concentrate on the road, Christian. Both eyes on the road. He continued straight ahead, as I turned left.

The afternoon sun sparkled. The sky shone blue. Everybody was driving home. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

We can't believe a word Prime Minister Abbott says

800 police raided 27 properties in two cities last week because of the immanent threat of multiple terror strikes and public beheadings and guess how many people were arrested and then how many were charged? 

Two were arrested and one was charged.

Let me just say that again, just in case you missed it. 800 police. 27 properties. 2 cities. 1 person charged.

Why all of that fire power? Do you think they wanted people to notice? I reckon if it was a real arrest, they could sent around 2 constables in a paddy wagon to pick the ONE guy up.

So are we to believe that this one person, possibly two, was going to cause havoc across two states? This one person, possibly 2, was going to blow up two cities and then go a beheading rampage?

Or do we believe the whole terror thing is all another big fat Abbott lie just to add to every other thing that Abbott has lied about?

I know which I believe. Prime Minister Abbott has never told the truth.

And after weeks of national security stuff, vilifying muslims, and putting fear into the population, One Term Tony is back at the top of the polls.

And here's a fun fact, the police filmed it all and released their own footage to the public, so no independent journalists were needed.