I Must Enjoy Having My Jugular Ripped Out, It Is All Part Of The Game

My jugular was torn out for my efforts, but I have got to give them props, they kill with efficiency that has to be admired. 

I am reminded, yet again, what masochistic pain feels like, the story of dealing with HR.

I could imagine the humourless ThePonytail swinging the whip, with those substantial hips and large arse of hers gyrating, as I watch her ponytail whirl into ever grander circles as she really gets into it, showing her true sadistic nature. Of course, she leaves in a few days to have her litter of puppies, so I’m guessing the sight of an eight months pregnant giant ponytail got up in leather gyrating and hooking and doing the hoedown throwdown may be too much for many punters.

And no one wants to see TheMiserableBlonde in anything less than a full body suit, you know, every inch of her miserable self should be covered at all times. (or come with a trigger warning)

Same goes for the effortlessly vague, eternally lazy, I’ll get back to you and then never does, Nick Watson, who, I am sure, could make a Hugo Boss suit look like something from a thrift shop such is his, shall we say, out of shape physique and slovenly dress sense. He’s the chubby guy who has always had his shirt tail hanging out, dirty hands and a snotty nose. He was born with a double chin which he has never lost. He can’t be relied upon.

There’s BigGirlsBlouse who we might refer to as the husky in the mini dress. Oh, those inappropriate shirt dresses that she wears, that finish just below where the water breaks, that do nothing to hide her big, flat arse. She looks almost physically handicapped her arse is so flat, like something took a bite out of her as a kid. I could see her in leather cap and knee-high boots oddly leading from the hips.

There is the rat-faced, bleach blonde, TheBiggestProblem, who is dishonest and I can’t trust her. Everything has to be in writing from the old Problem. Contact needs to be by email because she lies as easily as she breathes, apparently there is no moral compass with that one.

There is ThePlainOne who has a penchant for skin tight clothes and claims to live a triathlon life style, and while you wouldn’t call her fat, she is big. Oh, those skin tight clothes over that big frame, you can almost hear the garments calling out to be rescued with every step that she takes.

You could argue ThePonytail is beautiful, (I wouldn't, but some would) and BigGirlsBlouse has a certain ravishing, gypsy like allure, TheMiserableBlonde’s pitbull eyes stop her from ever really being called an attractive blonde, even TheBiggestProblem, if you toned down the brassy bleached hair, and wiped away 50 years of too thick makeup and fake tan, and got the teeth straightened, (reduced Pinocchio’s nose, ha ha) then maybe, but ThePlainOne no ‘certain light’ would improve that face. Pastie dough.

There is Chip who runs the band of liars and thieves. He has beautiful blue eyes. He is lied to by TheBiggestProblem and he accepts every lie she tells him with a kind of corn fed, dumb country boy charm. Has a penchant for cliched expressions.

And there is BrightEyes. He’s handsome and has big dick attitude.

So back to the leather party…

And while the hags recreate the Island of Lesbos in a horror show of Welcome to My Nightmare proportions, dancing around the boys in a sadomasochistic frenzy, (if I imagined them doing anything at all) it would definitely be Chip on his stomach taking it up the patootie from BrightEyes slapping the floor with the palm of his hand calling out repeatedly, “That’s What I Am Talking About, That’s What I Am Talking About,” in a dumb country boy, corn fed, hick tone.

Have I forgotten anyone? There are a couple more in the shadows of the HR coven, TheGoodOne, yes, there is a good one, who is as wide as she is tall, but lovely, Jessica this-doesn’t-make-sense-to-me Fletcher, who is a little bossy, but really that is the worst I can manage and the MessIntheWest, which I think speaks for itself.

Yeah, okay, I’m being judgy, and I’m really just trying to be funny, make the best of a crappy situation. If you can’t take something shitty, and make it ridiculous to take the sting out of it, then you get depressed, or retain water, or bloat, or bleed from the arse, or something. And if you can't find the ridiculous side of something, make it up, that's what I do. And HR definitely takes themselves and work far too seriously. Depressing, really. Well, it could be. 😀