David

David has come to stay for a couple of nights, on his way home from Frankfurt to Byron Bay via his sister in Sydney and Melbourne for his Monkey Pox vaccination.

He still has his doctor in Melbourne despite having moved up north for a couple of years now. Well, let’s face it, it must be hard to find doctors who will prescribe the volume of scripts for the number of benzos that are required to sustain her on a daily basis.

We went out with the boys the first night. Fonda. Smith Street. David loves it, despite me telling him it is McDonalds, because he likes the margaritas. He has turned into a piss pot. “Well, I have to have something to wash the pills drugs down with.”

The second night we watched Friends, because that’s David’s thumb in the mouth, that’s his security blanket, that’s his happy place, until late, because David loves Friends, and he loves watching it with me. (He probably loves watching it with a multitude of people so I don’t know why I am feeling so special. Ha ha. We watched season 5)

In the morning, he was keen to get vaccinated. I laughed. “Oh, it would really amuse me if you ended up with pussy boils all over your face,” I said. “You’d have to send me a photo.”

“You take that back,” said David. “Don’t you go casting any spells on me you witch.”

“Oh, come on, apparently it is very painful, you can tell me how much it hurts.”

“Stop that.”

“Apparently, it is spreading amongst gay guys.”

“Germany is rife with it, France and the UK aren’t far behind.”

“On the heels of the pandemic.”

“Why do you think I’m here,” says David. “I stopped having sex overseas, it’s been since May…”

“Wasn’t there something about AIDS coming from monkeys?”

“Yes, some theory, in the beginning.”

“Do you think someone fucked a monkey… again?”

“I don’t think it works that way.”

“I’m sure there would be gay guys with monkey fetishes.”

“Oh, stop it,” says David.

“Not that far removed from bears.”

“I hung out with them on the cruise.”

“Monkeys?”

“Bears,” says David.

“Gay guys will fuck anything.”

“Apparently, not me on the cruise.”

“Ha ha.”

“You say it like it’s a bad thing.”

“Not just gay guys. Guys in general....”

“No judgement.”

“None meant.”

“It is how the world turns.”

“It’s how you got your too few boyfriends after all.”

“Everything was fine until the lights came on.”

“No good comes of shining light into dark places.”

“Ain’t that the truth.”

David and his boyfriends. Everything is fine until the boyfriend commits an unforgivable act, in David’s eyes, which sets him off acting like a child.

“Do you ever think I’ll meet Mr Right.” (he asks me that ever time I see him)

“No, darling.”

“Oh, don’t sugar coat it for me, will you.”

“Well, at your age, it is highly unlikely.”

“To draw breath?”

“You can’t have both.”

“Both?”

“Boyfriends and breath.”

“Where is he? I’ve been looking for him since I was 16 and I’m exhausted. My hair hurts.”

I laugh.

The coffee machine whirls non stop as David fits in his 3 double espressos to get him going in the day.

He tells me there wasn’t a day on his 13 weeks overseas that he didn’t drink alcohol. He is also spraying a Nicorette mouth spray despite not having smoked for years.

“Did you watch any more Friends, after I went to bed last night?”

“No, we went to bed too.”

“And I slept all the way through.”

“But you are famous for sleeping for 15 hours. 20 hours.”

“Not with jet lag, but the melatonin worked a treat.”

“Darling, you sleep without melatonin.”

“No, darling, not when my circadian rhythms are all out of whack.”

“Out of whack?”

“Now look, ta da, she’s back.” He has his arms out to his sides and he does a sort of shimmy. “And ready to go.”

“Go get jabbed.”

“It’s the only time I prefer a little prick.”