Saturday, August 15, 2015

The (inevitable) Blame Game

So, Kirin got her arse kicked by (our boss) Remy, aka Paddington Bear, for not having an answer for a potentially huge problem that has cropped up in the last week.

According to Kirin, it is being pushed by, as Kirin likes to call her, Fat Guts Carol Brady (actually, Kirin just calls her Fat Guts. I know, lovely. I add the Carol Brady) – you know those future shots of Bart Simpson where his life hasn’t gone so well and he is fat and middle aged and losing at life, well, here we have the living embodiment of Carol Brady if she hadn’t married Mike and she didn't have Alice and her life hadn’t turned out well, you know,  prefect. What can I say, her name is Carol Brady (or is it Carol, or is it Brady? What did my lawyer say again?) and she kind of resembles a tired, stress eating, over weight Mrs Brady, (same short hairdo with a mullet) proving that on some occasions comedy really does write itself – one of the multitude of HR Amazon Warriors (of Lesbos), who has been hired temporarily, but who is so desperate for a permanent contract, that she has trawled through the procedures of the company until she has come across one that is wrong, with which she can now curry favour towards gaining permanent tenure.  “Look at me, look at me, look the fuck at me!” That is what modern corporate life is all about. You know, if I have to stand on you to get ahead, I will. If I have to crush you, if I have to destroy you, I will.



“The moll (sometimes Kirin’s 1970’s caravan park upbringing shines through) wasn't good enough for a permanent role,” spat Kirin. “But they bring her in temporarily and I have to put up with this shit.” (That's true, she did apply for a permanent role, for which she was turned down) Truthfully, nobody was worried about the problem until Fat Guts Carol Brady picked it up and ran with it.

Did I mention she has psoriasis on her face. Yes, very unfortunate.

The problem? It's a liability issue that was set up umpteen accounting mangers and who knows how may HR directors ago, which Fat Guts Carol Brady has, essentially, dumped in Kirin’s lap. Poor Kirin. She doesn't really understand the problem. Poor Kirin. How did she get her job? Poor Kirin, one more thing she can get wrong.

To put it into the rather potty mouth vocabulary of the old slapper Kirin herself, "He ripped me a new one over this." This caused me to picture what Kirin might look like in the nude, bending over all Rubenesque with two shit holes, one brown and velvety and one new red, raw and bleeding, quite possibly with a blood trail down the back of her right thigh. I shook my head. Kirin, as cunning as a rat, who misses nothing, picked up on my head shake and asked me what had just happened.

"Oh nothing, just a chill," I said. (I mean, how would I even begin to try and explain that mental image to her? It’s cerebral suicide to even try to picture it again)

Anyway, Fatty Cake, the watcher, who, I am sure, despite her previous claimed feats of grandeur, is also keen to ingratiate herself into our small NGO world, told Kirin she would look into the problem (de jour). And she did and she presented a solution. So Fatty Cake is now Kirin's new best friend. (Who saw that coming? Not moi)

When Fatty Cake was here to take Kirin's job from her, Fatty Cake was incompetent, and Kirin referred to Guru Greta to get dirt on her, but now she is the latest "one" who Kirin can offload her work onto she is Kirin's NBF. So, that makes me the odd one out, a dangerous place to be in Kirin's world, I know that.

Kirin had told me that Fatty Cake reported me being rude to Happy to Remy and he was furious about it. Apparently, Kirin stuck up for me, of course.

"I told him that was unlike you," said Kirin. Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, I thought.

I told Mazz about what Kirin had said about me being rude to Happy. Mazz responded with, "Don't believe anything Kirin says, she will tell you anything to make herself look good. She is trying to put you off Fatty Cake."

So, that is a strike against me with Remy.

And now, suddenly, Kirin and Fatty Cake are bonding. (It's unnatural)

Who is the only person on the out now? (Yes, this black duck)

I told you that I had the premonition that this review process is, probably, not going to go well for me. (Big Eyes)

So what to do?

“Resign,” says Mazz. “Resign! Of for God’s sake resign! What do you need to happen?”

Go talk to Happy, I thought. I might as well start from the bottom and work my way up, not that it is going to do me any good, that boat has sailed and will never be fixed. (I must start making a list, so I don't forget) it will remain a smudge against my name, no doubt. Some things once said can’t be unsaid.

"Hi," I said to Happy. "Apparently, I was rude to you the other day, so I would just like to apologise."

"Huh?" was Happy's response. She has the vocabulary of a pouting child, at the best of times.


"The other day, I was rude to you."

"Who told you that?"

"The new accounting project manager, says I was."

Happy looked baffled. She glanced in Fatty Cake's direction. She shook her head. "You weren't rude to me."

"I'm getting my arse kicked over it."

"Christian, you have never been rude to me." She shrugged. "I don't know why anyone would say that."

So, there you go. The vipers are pairing off and I just have this uneasy feeling that I am going to be the sacrificial lamb. Kirin will blame me for anything she can, I know that. And the biggest problem I have is that I don't really give a shit. Not really. Two shits, don’t care. There are people without fresh water in the world, the planet is slowly being poisoned, half the world is gorging itself while the other half starves, our problems are nothing. Rightly, or wrongly, I don't do Kirin's job because I don't want the pressure of it. I don't want to spend my life in an endless round of meetings and gabfests with people who have nothing in their lives other than meetings and gabfests (to make them feel important). I don't want to do Kirin's job because I don't want to have to answer to the execs and the directors et al. I simply go to work for the money, which allows me to live the important part of my life, the part that doesn’t involve work.

But, you know, I figure that is all right because I never applied for Kirin's job. That is worthy of a repeat, I didn't apply for Kirin's job, so naturally I don't have Kirin's job. So, everyone, why do you keep trying to make me do Kirin's work? Maybe this is a mistake, it probably is, but I'm really happy to accept less money for an easier life. That was my decision so would you all please respect the fuck out of it. (How do I actually say that to the salt mine workers? You know, nicely? So the easily offended don’t, you know, get offended?)

I promise not to stab any of you bitches in the back, if all you cunts promise to keep your knives holstered. That is my solemn corporate promise.

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