I've Never Had Trouble Sleeping

I stayed up late, after Sam went to bed, falling asleep on the couch.

When I finally woke up and went to bed, I lay in bed for some time, the last thing I remember was my watch on my bedside table saying 2am. It kept lighting up in the dark as if to tell me how long I hadn’t slept for. Taking an hour to fall asleep for me is unheard of. (Of course, I had slept for a few hours on the couch in the lounge room, before this)

I was worried about losing friends, because I am good on my own and I don’t need constant contact, which, I have found, friends don’t like. And I find that I’m not really interested in friends just for the sake of it. I think about conversations with friends and I think who cares, you know, I'm not really interested in discussing Married At First Sight, or the latest gossip about whoever. I’m sure that’s not going to do me any good in future, whatever future there is.

(But then I lay on the couch and watch When Karen’s Attack, we’re a contradictory bunch, now aren’t we)

I miss Tom, and I miss Simon and I miss Anthony and I even miss Fergus, all those smart, interesting guys, I've lost. It’s like I lost the A team and now I’m left with the B team. It hardly seems fair. Is that terrible?

I regret the fact I haven’t really done anything for 20 years, you know, nothing really fabulous, nothing amazing. I've just worked like everyone else. Oh, if only I could go back to living in the first house I bought when I moved out of home and change my uni course to the Arts. Oh, if only I could go back to having just left school and take singing lessons. Oh, if only I could go back to my school days and change to learning piano.

I worry about the future and that it is only going to get shittier from here, that the best bits are probably behind me. I worry about not having very much motivation in life . People have left me because I just don’t do anything (amazing). Mark did, if the truth was known.

I wish I'd done amazing things.

It’s all negative thoughts now a days as I lay in bed. It’s not the happy, joyous thoughts I used to have as I lay in bed when I was younger. I used to look forward to going to bed because of the things I’d think about when I pulled the doona over me. And then I worried about that.

Obviously, eventually, I fell asleep.