The Kitchen Tap Explodes

We're heading out to lunch with Bruno to have ramen in Lygon Street. I headed into the kitchen at the last minute to rinse something, my hands, I can't remember what, and the kitchen tap exploded off the sink like a fucken rocket hitting the ceiling. "BANG!" Like Space X, oh, except it didn't blow up like Space X in mid air, it hit its mark. Water gushed every where, like a burst water main, like the United Nations Fountain. It took me seconds to realise what had, actually, happened, before I turned off it off.

"Jesus fuck," I said. The bang still sounding in my head.

Drips hung from the ceiling in multiple circles, like a shower rose having not been turned off completely.

"Fuck me dead," said Sam, standing at the kitchen door.

Water dripped from the kitchen bench onto the floor, drip, drip, drip.

"Oh seriously, talk about bad timing." Midday, Saturday. What a stupid time to have a semi emergency, I thought.

Pools of water formed on the kitchen floor.

The tap wasn't even 12 months old. We got it when we replaced the hot water service last May, getting those plumbers who installed the hot water service to install it, as no matter what I did with the original tap, replace washers, replace O rings, I couldn't get it to stop dripping. Drip, drip, dripping.

We bought a cheap tap as the hot water service plumber thought the cheap taps were just about as good as any other tap you might buy. I would never have bought a cheap tap, if it wasn't for him. (You can spend thousands of dollars on taps, it is mind boggling.) And maybe I was right, standing there midday Saturday with a fountain of water where I once had a tap.

"What are we going to do now?" I said. That was more of a thought process than a question. What the fuck to we do to fix this?

"Go out to lunch," said Sam. "We still have to eat."

"But we need to get this fixed," I said. "The whole house is practically unusable if the kitchen tap doesn't work."

"We've got all day," said Sam.

So, we ate ramen and gyoza for lunch sitting in the warm autumn sun on Lygon Street, with Bruno eating leaves, as he is want to do, with one of us trying to pull the leaves from his mouth between the gyoza and the ramen.

We pulled the old tap out, which wasn't as easy as you'd think, lots of square shapes going through round holes that never quite seemed big enough. Jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling, jiggling and finally it was out.

We headed to Bunnings. Sam took the tap back, I'd never have thought to do it. They refunded the money, no questions asked. To be fair, I think taps come with a 5 year warranty as standard. Sam had kept an electronic copy of the receipt, as he does with all receipts.

Bunnings tap selection is crap, so we went to Ikea, pretty much the only other tap place open on a Saturday afternoon. All the plumbing supply places seem to close at 1pm, old school.

We got a new tap, easy as, and Sam had the new one installed by 3.30pm. He insisted on doing it. All he needed was overalls as his legs stuck out from the sink cupboard.

It's a shit colour, kind of burnished silver, not what I really wanted, I wanted a gold one, but gold only came in a taller tap, which is what the 8 month old tap was, but because it was so tall, an elegant golden swan neck to be sure, it used to splash water all over the bench, and we forever had pools of water on the granite, this one, despite its inferior looks, won't do that.

Yay! Done. The day was saved. Time for coffee.