11am. We head to Glen Iris. The sun is shining, it is a lovely day. It feels like it is going to be a nice drive to Glen Iris. You know, practically back to where I grew up, it will be nice to see the old place, if only for the short time it takes us to grab the standard lamp we have just bought on Ebay and return home.
There are lot of angry drivers out in the burbs.
On the cnr of Langridge and Hoddle, I am in the right lane at the lights and the cunt in a silver Range Rover in front of me puts his fucking indicator on when the lights turn green, pet hate, so I put my indicator on and went to move into the left lane, to go around him, but I don’t as I saw a Honda 4WD was in that lane at the last minute and stopped, but the driver of the Honda 4WD still had to blast me with his horn and stop next to us and have a huge drama about it.
Oh, just have a heart attack and die, I think.
Then the Honda 4WD drove at 15 kph in front of us down Langridge Street to Nicholson Street, I assume, because the lobotomy behind the wheel felt that that gave him something up on me. Who the hell knows?
I do the back streets through Abbottsford where you can let the horses rip. Nice and clear, reminds me of the old days when I first got my licence.
Once we have re-joined Victoria Street, they are all doing practically zero kph because the average driver is too stupid to work out what the speed limit is at any given time due to the plethora of changing speed limits now a days in Melbourne, and the average driver drives in a complete state of bamboozlement because of it, so the default speed is now grandma Yeta behind the wheel.
They do all tend to collect in the right hand lane through the suburbs, though, so if you grab the left lanes at the lights – something I hate, personally, but it is a matter of self preservation now a days though the inner suburbs on a Saturday morning, when every halfwit and their more stupid spouse are looking for some purchase to brighten their miserable lives – and if you smash that big pedal on the right when the lights turn green, you can usually make good headway in front of the general befuddlement.
Anyway, I’m driving down Barkers Road, there is a car turning right into Elphin Grove. I’m coming down in the left lane, there is a red Subaru Outback in front of me, and a white Mazda CX5 coming down in the right lane, just slightly behind me, but there really isn’t much in it. There is a grey wagon turning right. There is a car parked on the left hand side. I think I am going to sneak through between the car parked on the left and the grey wagon turning right, behind which the white Mazda CX5 in the right lane has to stop. The red Subaru Outback squeezes through in front of me, but the grey wagon unexpectedly makes their right hand turn in front of the traffic coming down the Barkers Road hill towards us, there is tooting from the cars coming down the hill, just as I am going to slip through behind the red Subaru Outback. The white Mazda CX5 in the right lane gets the shits up when it appears as though I slide across in front of him. He tries to accelerate to get up on the right side of me, but I just slip across in front of him. It is a perfectly timed manoeuvrer, nothing to do with my skill as a drive, just purely dumb luck. The white Mazda CX5 blasts his horn all the way up the hill to Auburn Road, he just doesn’t take his hand off it. The red Subaru Outback in front sticks his hand out his window and waves it about, not really sure why. I am assuming he is team white Mazda CX5 for some inexplicable reason. I assume the white Mazda CX5 driver has a penis that hasn’t grown since his kindergarten days, and I, childishly, give the white Mazda CX5 the finger, just because I wanted to push his buttons as he blasts his horn non stop all the way up the Barker’s Road hill.
I stop in the right hand turn lane to Auburn Road which has banked back into the right land of Barkers Road.
The doofus in the white Mazda CX5 stops on my left hand side intent on having a really big drama about it all.
Oh, just have a stroke and die, I think. His bulbous red face appearing to swell up and take up the entire surface of his driver’s side window.
But there are cars behind him, as it is only the lefthand lane of Barkers Road which is now clear to proceed and he has to go, as cars start tooting him, and off he goes.
The sun is shining.
A white Mercedes 4WD turns right into Auburn Road straight into the path of a Toyota Yaris, how they didn’t collide I’ll never know. I close my eyes momentarily and wait for the bang, but the Mercedes 4WD miraculously slips around unscathed, probably something to do with Mary fucken Mackillop, still performing miracles from the grave 100 years, or so, after her death, or some bullshit like that. The Toyota Yaris driver has come to a complete halt in the middle of the Barkers Road/Auburn Road intersection laying on his horn for an extended period of time. The cars behind him lay on their horns due to him unexpectedly stopping in front of them.
I think The bells, the bells, the bells and chuckle to myself for the first time since I got in the car.
The cars clear, we turn into Auburn Road. We come down to the Rathmines Road/Auburn Road intersection, where the lights are red for us, and everyone is in the right hand lane, and the left hand lane is clear, because people are generally stupid with little talent to even drive a well lubed finger up their own arses, so I slide over into the left hand lane well back from the gathered cars and proceed to travel down to the lights in the clear lane, just as we get to the back of the traffic, the red Subaru Outback is at the back of the right hand lane, he puts his blinker on and starts to change lanes, just as I come through, and he lays on his horn due to his belief in whatever he believed just happed,
At which point, I think to myself, these people are just fucked! I am well pleased that I don’t have to drive too often.
We make a left into Burwood Road, slide right into Camberwell Road. Gasp audibly when we come around the corner into Toorak Road to see they have demolished the entire south side of Victorian shops in the Hartwell Village shops which is now one huge vacant block. “Idiots,” I say out loud.
Then it is an easy drive up Toorak Road to Beryl Street and our destination.
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