Now, Where Was I?

I went to Wesley's thirtieth birthday. Shane and I got him riding gloves. He's bought a new bike, he's really getting into it.

I took drugs. I've only got sketchy memories of it all now. I flirted with straight boy all night. It all went so fast. I've got about ten minutes of memories, for what was a twelve hour affair. We danced a bit. The fire burned. I must have been zoned. Perry asked me to leave. I must have been wasted. It was 10am. I'm now thinking, thinking back, as I scanned the room, on my way out, maybe everyone had gone and maybe I hadn't noticed. I'll have to ask Tom.

I think the favourite part of drug taking is the time alone afterwards, in my bedroom, where my mind soars through a myriad of fantasises and stories, all more colourful and richer and more real because of the state of mind. There is a certain cold hard edge to reality on drugs. Like the sun is whiter and people and things have a harder outline.

It's an internal journey, now.

Where, a few years ago, it was all about going out, being out, socialising, dancing, seeing people, meeting new people, hopefully. It was about picking up, let's be honest. Now it's more about me, I guess. The phone rang during my hazy Sunday and I thought that's probably Manny. And I thought, I could even have my perfect, Greek lover here too, if I chose.

I didn't smoke any cigarettes. It never came into my head. Now that I think about it, I think people were going outside to smoke. That's why I don't remember any cigarettes gaining my attention. And whenever I went out side, I'd just be heading straight back in, it was freezing, like the Arctic out there.

I still haven't smoked any cigarettes, how long has it been? I've lost track. I guess that is a good thing. Yes, lots of joints, that's why I'm not saying too much. Not making any claims, yet. But, at least, I'm halfway there.

Oh yes, flirting with the straight boy? It was funny, I thought, early in the night, the only guy here who I'm attracted to here, is straight, wouldn't you know. Rectangular head. Laugh lines that alternated as dimples, depending how hard he was laughing. Big, bright eyes and a smile as open as a ray of sunshine. He was in his thirties, father of two. He'd already been introduced to me by Perry as his straight mate, Warren. He chimed in with a sex story about his wife, if we were talking sex stories. But for the rest of the time he was making eyes at me. Gorgeous big brown eyes. He was making seriously interested eyes, at me. Gay boy connecting eyes, where he was looking. You know, when the pupil completely dilates when they look at you and your gazes lock. I was a bit fixated on him.

I first noticed him standing at the fire place, while I was sitting on the floor. I noticed the big banana bulge in his pants, well it was at my eye level, it was hard not to. I was lying back with the seat of the chair as a pillow, looking up, nobody was looking at me. It went down his leg in an arch, like he was wearing boxer shorts. I was just lushing not really joining in the conversation, enjoying the view - I could see that it was lying flat down his leg. It was long and thick, with the outline it left. Nice straight boy meat, on display. It looked like it was getting bigger, the more I watched it. It turned, when he made a big hand movement and seemed more prominent than before. I could just picture it hanging there, with nice big balls, freely, in his boxers, pink and veiny.

I was not thinking that anyone was noticing what I was doing. I heard his voice become louder and I looked from his bulge to his face, quite unwittingly and he was looking down at me. Smiling, as if he was saying, what are you doing? I know you are looking at my dick. He looked away and then back. He looked away again, with a cheeky smile, if he caught me checking him out. He'd look away, smile, like he couldn't help it, and blush, if he caught me gazing at his cock. We played look-smile- look-away eye tag, after that. Until he turned face first to the fire, with a suspected stiffy. He sure woke me up. He was gorgeous. Funny. Witty. Charming to the other guests around him. Sexy, with his jeans bunched up around his genitals, as he lay back on the cushions, chatting.

His eyes said he wanted to badly. He was checking me out, too.

He had that healthy, straight blokeiness to him. He had a beautiful smile. He smiled a lot, especially, when his eyes connected with mine. A shy, blushing, knowingness that was so, so sexy. Like him saying, that he would, with his eyes, giving in, submissively. Those looks, those times we connected, he was saying, sure I'm interested, I'm turned on. I like the way you are making me feel.

It doesn't mean he has to, either, of course.

The next day was Sunday, every one would have just wound down and gone to sleep. Nobody would have noticed him sneaking off, even if he was staying with Perry, I think he was. His wife and kids are not in Melbourne. He so could have come over, if what I saw in those eyes was true.

Don't you just love long weekends. I've been up drinking coffee and smoking pot with David. He went to Woof Club and took drugs and picked up some boy, Tony, who's been on a promise for a number of months.

I have no idea what day it is.

Don't you just love long weekends.