Friday, March 30, 2007

Speed camera

I got caught by a speed camera coming home from the country, on Sunday night. Don't get me wrong, it was my fault and mine alone if I was speeding, I'm not trying to claim otherwise.
I was coming down Victoria Parade heading down to cross over the intersection of Russell Street. The lights, at Russell Street, changed to green, as I came over the hill from Lygon. There was a car at the intersection, a Ford Focus, that started off toward Nicholson Street, in the left hand lane, a lane that splits into two a few hundred metres up Victoria Parade. I came down the hill behind that Focus with the intention of slipping past it on the left, as the lane split. I didn’t apply my bakes, I just took my foot off the accelerator and cruised in behind it. The driver of the Focus would have seen me coming down behind him, catching up to him, if you like.
It happened kind of quickly and wasn’t something I was really thinking about, as I did it. It was just one of those things, driving on instincts rather than having any definite plan. As I came over Russell Street, and up behind it, the Focus started to slow down and slow down, to the point that I had to apply my brakes and yet he continued to slow down.
What are you doing? I thought.
As the lane split into two, the Focus moved into the middle of the two lanes effectively blocking my path.
What ARE you doing? I thought, again.
He just sat in the middle of the two lanes.
Bloody hell! I swung to the right and accelerated passed him. As I passed him, he looked over and gave me such a contemptuous smirk that I was in no doubt that he had down it all on purpose.
Maybe, he thought I was approaching him faster than I was and he was intimidated, maybe he is just perpendicular and wanted to spoil my, perceived, fun, maybe he just has a small penis, I don’t know. I didn’t care. I just thought he was being infantile and driving in a manner that, actually, causes accidents.
I was annoyed by him, I don’t deny it. Idiot! I thought. I pushed my foot down as I went by. I slipped back into the lane I was intending to be in, in the first place, once I’d passed him.
I was passing a truck, on the inside lane, as we both approached Nicholson Street. And then, FLASH! FLASH! It was like lightening, seemingly, sparking all around us.
I thought I had miss-judged and had driven right through a red-light camera, but, as I looked up, the traffic lights were green. The truck and I crossed the intersection together.
Bloody hell! I thought. Are red-light cameras speed cameras now, as well? They must be and I glanced down at my speedo and, I only think now, that it was dropping back from 80 kph.
Oh fuck it!
How fast was I going? My car accelerates so quickly… especially with a cross foot.
I don’t speed, normally. What’s the point? There are too many traffic lights in the city now to speed. The only thing you do is get from one set of traffic lights to another using twice as much petrol, as is necessary. You don’t get any further ahead; you just meet all the same cars that you were sitting next to at the previous set of lights. You may get there faster, but you don’t get any further ahead. I cruise around the city on the speed limit because there isn’t any point dong otherwise.
Country roads are a different matter, certainly.
I’ve drive up the same section of Victoria Parade, for years, every weekend and have never had a fine. It’s always when I have to deal with idiots that trouble seems to happen.
Not that it wasn’t, ultimately, my fault, don’t get me wrong.
No doubt, Mr Focus got a good laugh when he saw the camera flash.

I did go and look at the intersection, just this morning, and I was, somewhat, momentarily, elated when I saw that the red-light camera was, actually, on the right hand side of the road. Could I have slipped in behind the truck and have been obscured? Could I? Think back… the truck was slightly in front of me, in the right hand lane, when the flash went off? But it was a long truck. I don’t know? Maybe? It would be grand and somewhat fair, as I, truly, don’t speed, normally.
How does the camera know which vehicle is speeding if they are, practically, side by side?
Who knows? Time will tell, I guess.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


Hanging on regardless

Hang onto that ticketing machine, girl, white-knucked, determined, tunnel-vision, scared. We're fearful, I know, taught to be, encouraged – spend, spend, spend, you frightened rabble – dob in a nonconformist (they are probably a terrorist), rat on your neighbour (they are probably a dole bludger, or are cooking up ice), take your place, stand your ground, don't let anyone push you around, even if they are trying to make their way to where they should.
She gazed at me with a defiant stare, as if to say, try to move me.
Move you will, I thought.
I’d walked because there were no trams. They were slow, this morning, well, non-existent, actually, so I walked. Too late to walk all the way to work, as I’d left the house late, but not enough time to hang around the tram stop for a tram that wasn't ever going to arrive. I've learned, don’t wait at the tram stop, as suddenly it can be half an hour later, just start walking. I walked all the way to Spring Street, before a tram appeared, so there was a group of people waiting.
I need to buy a ticket, I said. Get out of my way you idiot, I thought.
She moved sideways, a fraction, just a suggestion, enough not to be rude, but rude none the less. I had to lean over her, as she doggedly retained her place.
It’s a ticket machine, I thought. People need to use it, but Miss Selfish didn't care. And I’d be the bad guy if I pushed her over, I thought. Go figure? The thought of her landing spread-eagle on the tram floor amused me for long enough to make my purchase. Before I was done, her hand was back on the hand-rail, at the front of the machine, in my way, staking her inconvenient position, regardless.
There was extra change in the coin return, so there is a god, after all, I thought.
Excuse me, I said, with enough intention to indicate I was coming through if she got out of the way, or not. She rolled her eyes, incredulous and snorted through her nose, as if I was being completely unreasonable. She didn't move more than a whisker. Essentially, she just stood, rolling her torso a centimetre. So, I picked up my brief case and pushed through, dislodging her from her selfish stance. She, kind of, fell sideways, without losing her balance, mores the pity, but I didn't look back, as I slipped through the cabin and, by chance, got myself a seat, as a woman stood up to alight the crowded tram, just as I came through.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Change of Seasons

I'm loving this cooler weather, let me tell you. I can resume walking to work, without sweating like a marathon runner, by the time I get to the office. It's good to get out into the morning air and feel the fresh air in my lungs, again. It's good to feel the blood pump, as a way of waking up. I'm glad summer is over, quite frankly.

Next Monday is my date for quitting smoking, again. You know, I've been feeling miserable this year, which has been strange for me, as I'm usually a happy, positive, cynical but positive, person. It dawned on me, walking home from work, last night, that it is probably because of the number of times I have quit smoking this year. I'm always going through the angst of withdrawal, I'm always battling the pain of breaking an addiction, I'm always struggling with a process that is, in a sense, debilitating. I find it tiring to quit and if I'm constantly going through it...

Not that I have any conclusions on this, only that it is, probably, a good thing to realise. And, I'm not going mad, I'm not being beaten down by the modern world and I probably don't need to go and see someone. (not that there is any thing wrong with that)

So, next Monday it is!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Incompetence, is my pet hate, at the moment. I find I'm always saying, if only people would do what they are supposed to do, the world would be a much happier place.
Last night, my mum called me to say that her cleaners had taken her freezer outside to defrost it and had left it sitting in the back yard, could I come over and put it back in the kitchen.
What the hell?
What were the stupid cleaners thinking? Not to mention all my mum's ruined food.
I know this seems to be a small thing, but it just seems to happen more and more. People doing half of what they were meant to, or trying not to do what they are supposed to do at all.
My new car is a case in point. The R.A.C.V. was incompetent, the car yard was incompetent, the road worthy people were incompetent and I got stuck with a $2000 bill to fix it.
The bike riders without their lights at night is another example.
Why is it that so many people try to do the least amount possible to get by? Don't they feel any shame? Don't they have any compassion for their fellow man? It amounts to cheating. Are we now a race of cheaters, happy to do anyone in that we can, if it means we get further?

Monday, March 26, 2007

Bike Riders

What is it with bike riders?
A month, or so, ago, I was backing out of my drive way when I heard someone going,
"Oo, oo, oo!" Followed by, "Watch it mate!"
There was a middle aged couple riding bikes along the street behind my car, in the dark with no lights.
"Hey," I said. "Get some lights, I can't see you."
"Why don't you go and get fucked!" was the reply.
"I cannot see you..."
"Ah, fuck off!"

Tonight, I was pulling out of a T-intersection, after I had let a car go by, when I heard a blood curdling scream. "Watch where you are going you fucking arse hole bastard!"
In front of my car in the dark was a girl on a bike, again, with no lights on.
"Get some lights, I can't see you!"
"Are fuck off, arsehole."
"Well, die then you miserable, fucking bitch," was, ashamedly, my response.

What is it with stupid people in the world, abusing other people when they are clearly - or not - in the wrong? I am so sick of idiots.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Weekend Away

It was hot Friday night, too hot in the house for sleep. So, I decided to go to the country. I stopped over to Manny's, on my way, and sweated all over him. His place was hot, so he put on a fan and we stripped off. I could spend many hours on his lips - thanks to the beauty of those Greek woman who stepped onto the boat with their beautiful husbands. Give praise for their sons.
Then it was up the highway with the windows open until I felt the city blow right out of me, with the approach of the cool, country night air. Our home road off the highway is such fun to drive fast along, especially at night with the gums waving over-head, in the very edge of the head lights, kind of gothic. The road winds and it dips and it curves, as it snakes it way through open paddocks and vineyards.

Friday night, I was so stoned, when I was coming back from the car with a bag in each hand, way after midnight, I miss judged where the path ended and I walked straight into the garden and fell straight over. I landed on my thumb and the bags, fortunately there was no damage, laughing. It all happened so quick, like slapstick. I lay on the ground laughing, looking up at, well, nothing really, it was pitch black.
The following days weren't quite so eventful, just lazing away. Saturday it rain, so we huddled in the doorways and watched it fall, pitter pat. The dry ground drank it up. It fell on the half-empty lake in big, sploshing drops. We wanted it to rain all weekend, but Sunday was sunny. Ah well.
Mark and Luke are happy again, which is great. I like it being the three of us, it's like a team. I'd be profoundly sad if they split and Luke left.
We cooked, we ate, we smoked pot, we laughed. Lovely. The hot, selfish city seems a life time away when I'm surrounded by bush, by nature... by those I love.

Now Missy is curled up on my foot.

Friday, March 23, 2007

HR Slappers

What is it with national HR manager's? Why are they so useless? Surely, HR being a repository for "nice" "simpering" girls with arts degrees until they marry and get paid maternity leave, is not the simple answer.
You know, we have had a steady stream of more and more useless specimens, women who have so little interest in people and such a huge interest in themselves and their David Jones time that it is frightening. But the most recent crop take the proverbial cake. Self absorbed and self interest, poisonous bitches who react by spitting, scratching and back stabbing if you dare to question their lack of work, or in fact, if you ask them to, actually, do some work. They all just want to faff about and advise. (pronounced adviiiiiiiiiize. Wide eyes, mouth turned down, wearily... of course, finished off with darling)
The latest one, the lovely Ms Troy, has perfected the blow up doll expression. You know, vacant, air-head South Yarra.
"Yes darling, no daaarrrling, lovely darling. Let's do it in colour with a big font!"
All she needs to do now is make her mouth rounder, with some bright red lippy and she'd be the spitting image of a rubber doll. And about as useful. (Although, I fear, the rubber doll is, actually, more useful)

Shhh! I found out today. Company goss - someone always knows someone - she was the other woman with the boss at her last job. Caused the break up of his marriage. She's just married him. I can see it in her ruthless, show pony eyes. On her back with her snatch up for grabs with the richest man. Bred for it, with her jungle red labia. Not the type who could have her own kids.
"It would ruin my figure, daaarling!" Give away laugh.
So, she has to be content on stealing some other kid's father.
I always suspected she was a a ruthless, poisonous bitch! Now I know.

She's just knifed one of our execs, who dared to disagree with her. Wide eyes - of a snake. Head flick. Wide mouth pout. Back to DJ's daaarling!
He left today.
How do these useless moles get these high paid jobs?

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Josh has turned strange, I fear. Resentful, maybe. I'm not sure. But he's been acting weird.
We had a deal that he could come and live with me for two months, as my friend, no problem, but if he decided to stay after that then he'd have to pay rent, which was from the middle of February. Everyone who lives with me has to contribute to the up keep of the house. It is only fair.
I told him how much the rent would be and I still remember his answer, Sure, I can do that.
He paid up some rent, a week ago, after I asked him about it (turning me into landlord ogre 1, demanding the rent) and when I asked, is this for mid Feb to mid March, he replied no just for March, I can't afford to pay for February. Then he said, I'll be earning great money when I return to Europe, though.
He's pretty much been masturbating and smoking pot and drinking beer and watching porn all night and sleeping all day, when he isn't working, on the very odd occasions. Which is fine, that's up to him. But to now go back on our agreement, so easily, saying he can't afford what was spoken about up front.
After that, he has avoided me, more or less.
I was lying down feeling unwell with my elbow at the time and didn't respond immediately. Stupid me.
I've thought about it for a while and stewed on it. Tonight we had this conversation.
Now Josh, the rent deal with you is that you are paying 3 months rent. (He leaves mid May)
Oh, said Josh. I don’t know that that was the deal.
That was what we agreed to in the beginning, I said.
I don’t know that that was what we agreed to in the beginning.
Yes, it was.
Is this a question, he said. Or why are you saying this to me?
(Draw breath) Well, I just wanted to be sure that we were thinking the same thing.
Well, if you are telling me that was the deal, well, then fine that was the deal.
Okay then, I said.
Now he's humming non-stop around the house, while ignoring me. Something I've realised he does when he is nervous.
Who was it who commented previously, Sounds like singe white female?

And all I want to do is live on my own.

Now, to compound the issue, I have a new flat mate moving in, David. I've known David for years and he asked if he could move in as a favour, before he moves interstate. Sure, I said.
Well, he is now in the process of moving his whole house into my house. I thought I rented him a room, not a storage facility. He's busy rearranging my life, so he doesn't have to put any of his stuff into storage. I'm a little surprised.
However, it is ostensibly my fault. I'm too generous, accommodating, soft, stupid, call it what you like, I'll answer to any of them. I started saying yes, of course, to a few things being put around the house, it's only fair. And those few things have now developed into, well, a whole house of furniture. And I have too much shit of my own, to start with.
Don't get me wrong, David is a gorgeous guy (of course, I thought that about Josh too) and I'm sure every thing will be fine, once I have a word.
But, why is it that it is me who has to have the word, when I'm doing favours for people? Why can't they see it for themselves?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Mid week hump

I haven't felt much like writing, but I guess that's obvious. Actually, I have written stuff, I just haven't published it. I've got entries for each of the previous 2 days, they just haven't seemed like much, haven't inspired me to push that publish button.
Don't know why?
Maybe it's the changing weather, maybe it's me smoking, which is making me feel tired and blah, to tell the truth. (So why am I doing it?)
Don't know which.
But I'm good at it, smoking that is. Straight back to 20 a day without a blink. It's a skill, I guess, one I possess.

Thursday night - oh, what the hell, I'll publish retrospectively

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Everybody for themselves in the 21st Century

Nice enough day. Licking salt from the salt mine walls, slurp, slurp, slurp. Laughing at the litany of incompetence that is now the company I work for. The brave new world of market forces isn't the slick efficient machine that was promised, but a selfish everyone-for-themselves shitfest. It's perception over substance.
You just gotta laugh, he, he. If no he, he, it would be boo hoo! ...bah, bah. Boo, boo! Don't try and shit an old pro... and all that.
I've leaned to care less, I think that is the mantra for this modern, 21st century, world.
I've got a golf ball for an elbow, so it is better than it twas, so I'm very pleased about that. Big smile.
Still smoking. Blah!

I spent the night cleaning like a mad thing. It's not something I'm usually good at, it's not something I spend a lot of time on. But I have an old friend moving in for twelve months, before he moves up north in search of sun and adventure and I had to make space for him to move his stuff in. Boy, was it an eye opener. Once I'd tided and put everything away, in the attic and cupboards where it all really belonged, you should have seen the dust that was left behind. I used to think I was a clean person, but now I'm not so sure.
We're going to employ his cleaner, going forward. I've never had much luck with cleaners in the past, it always seemed like so much more work having to tidy up before they got here so they could clean. Maybe this one will be different?

And the Rain Comes Down

Monday, March 19, 2007

Say YES! to a Nuclear-Free Australia

After 50 years of the global nuclear industry there is STILL no safe way of storing the deadly waste which remains dangerous to future generations and the environment for more than 250,000 years.
Not to mention, destroying some of the most beautiful parts of Australia to get it out of the ground.
Why should we choose to risk our future on an industry that is too harmful and too risky if we don’t need to? A cleaner, safer climate can be achieved through sensible measures, including energy efficiency, renewable technologies and protecting native vegetation.

Random thoughts

Who thinks that Little Johnny Howard is doing so badly in the polls that he staged the whole Iraq air emergency thing? (other than me)

There are those who rail against those who don't have the environment at heart, but will drive their kids to school in the biggest four wheel drive. A friend of mine recently, was banging on about people who waste water, how they should be punished to the full extent of the law.
But Christine, I thought. You drive your two tiny daughters to school in a V8 Toyota Land Cruiser?

What is it with all the Australian flags being put on top of every bridge etc? Why are they trying to create this awful patriotism thing? Is it so all the homeless can look up and actually see what country has given up on them?

I've learnt to be very definite, when definite answers are required. I've learnt trying to be "nice" doesn't always work. Letting people decide usually means they will decide in their own favour, no matter who they are. Those who, actually, decide fairly are in the minority. Human tendency will be to decide selfishly.

Pauline Handson was having sex with David Oldfield? Ooo!!!! Pauline Handson having sex with anybody? Ooo!!! I liked David Oldfield's description of her, She's an extremely ordinary (read dumb) person who has managed to have an extraordinary time. Is she the Australian dream?

Sunday, March 18, 2007

By the way

I started smoking again. Oops! So here's a photo for the occasion.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Friday nights all right

I had a few drinks after work for a farewell for one of our staff. We are losing them every day, it seems. Our attrition rate, for a big corporate firm, is woeful.
Apparently, the execs are now cooking the books to make the attrition rate look better, for the CEO and the Board. Our CEO is quite brilliant and they won't get away with it. Fools. It seems the ethics of business are now, not what is good for and makes the company look good, but what is good for and makes the executive look good, the company comes a poor second.
Everything has a spin on it.
Anyway, another one down.
Manny called, he was horny. My head was spinning and his sexy voice made me instantly horny too, as my gathered workmates watched and listened in, as I took the call. I was smiling for the crowd and talking in double meanings.
Can't you talk now, asked Manny.
No, not really.
Well, just get off the phone and get your arse over here, he said. I want to suck your...
Sounds good, I said. I'm a bit pissed...
That's my boy, said Manny. Just come straight here, then.
I headed over to his place by train, well, I couldn't drive, not after 4 stubbies. Well, not home to collect the car and head to Manny's place for a shag, anyway. Not straight away. By the time I was sober enough to drive, I wanted to have shagged the hell out of Manny and gotten myself home.
I think he was a bit surprised when I said sure, I'll be there soon.
He was good, I was better. I needed it. That boy is gorgeous to kiss. I love the way he sits back on his haunches and throws his head back and... he looks so beautiful... yum... anyway....
Ah, the Broadmeadows line, at 10pm, what a bunch of losers. I just glazed over and watched the drug deals and the tough talk and the gang bravado with their spin, out of the corners of my eyes. If you don't react, neither do they.
Still, it was alive with young people heading somewhere - no where in real terms - making a night of it. I love train travel, bright lights big city. It's real, I'm not cocooned away from the world, no matter what I might see. You see life on the train. And around the loop to Parliament and nearly home, you've got to love that.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The rain comes down

I woke up to the sound of rain pitter pat on the tin roof and on the ground, outside, with the smell of moisture floating in on the air. How glorious. I can't remember how long it has been since I woke up to that sound. The world washed clean, how fresh it smelt.
A cool breeze on my skin, it is nice to feel goose bumps again. The awful humidity has been pushed back, it's nice to feel freedom blowing in, now that the oppression has gone. We can do any thing now, now that we're not being beaten down every day, now that we're not being boiled into submission, exhaustion doesn't rule. Sweat isn't the prominent emotion.
I think I'll walk all the way into town, feeling the rain falling gently on my head.
I might even skip.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

It is never going to rain like it used to

It was a balmy afternoon, as I left the office. It was warm, standing in the sun warm, even though the sun wasn't shining. Clouds obscured the glistening rays; a milky grey sky was over head, like dirty cottonwool. Rain fell, as I walked home. Big drops covered the ground; plump, round, drops fell, spread sparsly apart. I could feel them on my face, split, splat, splosh. I wanted to stick my tongue out, but I wondered what people my think. Well, it wasn't so much that I was worried what people might think, I just wasn't in that mode. Suit and tie mode doesn't allow for shorts and singlet behaviour. But they felt good, as they fell on my skin. Cool, fresh, alive. Real like a sloppy dog kiss. Real like a splash from a fresh creek.
I wanted to take my socks and shoes off and wade through the water washing down the Bourke Street gutter, except, of course, the rain was barely wet on the ground. I wanted to race boats and get sticks and unblock the drains. I wanted to smell the moisture, as it fell through the air.
I wondered if it would ever rain like that again, in Melbourne, as I tried to make myself as big as I could to collect the maximum number of drops. I spread my arms out and pointed my face toward the sky with my eyes closed and felt the fresh drops on my eye lids, nose and lips, suddenly not caring a damn what anybody else might think, because I don't think it will ever rain again like it used to.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Not just the accident

I didn't mention that I opened a friend's car door SMASH! into my face, on Monday afternoon. I just opened the back door to put my stuff in and it hit me right on the bridge of my nose. It hurt like hell and bled like nothing on earth. I think I saw stars. I wanted to cry, but I'm a boy... you know the deal.
I stood by the front door with one arm in a sling and the other clutching a great wad of tissues, held firmly to my throbbing, bleeding nose, as my mate, whose car it was, wet his childishly, small pants. Yes, yes, very, fucken funny! Ha, ha, ha! Open the fucken door, will you!
I also had a wart frozen off my face last Friday, which has proceeded to turn into a great big red thing on my chin.
My first day back at work, yesterday, with a smashed nose, burned chin and arm in a sling and one of the boys stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me, looked me up and down and then said,
I heard you'd been sick, but I didn't realise it was this bad. Pained look on his face. Big inhale. Was it some kind of accident?
Well, I thought, you sure know how to make a boy feel good about himself.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Rachel and I left work early, not very early, just before 17.30. We got in a lift with one of the shitty lawyers from work, but he had headphones on so, it was okay, we didn't have to speak to him. We travelled one floor and two men got on. Then we heard,
Hold the lift! Hold the lift! There was an urgency about the female voice’s tone.
Nobody moved. Nobody did any thing.
Hold the lift! Hold the lift! Repeated the, seemingly, desperate voice.
Still nobody moved.
The lift doors seemed to take an inordinate amount of time to close, but finally they slid shut, without any of us ever moving a muscle.
“She seemed to have a some what blood-curdling tone,” said Rachel. “The voice?”
I knew who she meant, but I have a thing about people who run for the lift and hold everyone else up, usually selfishly.
“I couldn’t push the door-open button,” I said, looking down at my arm in the sling. “I’m a cripple.”
“I was holding my brief case,” said one of the two men who’d just got on.
“I was waiting for instructions from either one of you two,” said the other.
We all laughed.
As Rachel and I crossed the foyer Rachel said, “Do you think that voice had an urgent tone about it?”
“She was probably late for her nail extension appointment,” I replied. “You know what urgent means now a days.”
Rachel laughed.
“I just thought it was funny that none of us did anything,” I said. “You know, there is generally always some rat-faced receptionist on board who thinks she has to do ‘the right thing’ who dives for the door open button and spoils it for everyone.”
We both laughed.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Day what?

Ah, er, yes, what day is it? Now let me see... um, last Thursday was the day, I believe. Actually it was the Thursday before that. So that would make it? Day 11?
I haven't smoked for 11 days. I did smoke a couple of joints with Luke and Mark, last night and while I'm admitting that is dangerous territory and may even be quite foolish, I don't, actually, count it as smoking, as such. It is a slippery slope, though, don't get me wrong.
I have not smoked 330 cigarettes. I like putting it into numbers, it sounds more real. There are 330 times I didn't reach for my packet, I didn't slide the brown tip into my mouth, that I didn't flick the lighter in front of my face. It's weird, when I think of it in those terms, there really is an addiction going on, hey.
I didn't think of it all the time I was dealing with my arm, but as I was catching the train to Bolago, on Saturday, my first time out in the real world, after so many days at home, those insidious thoughts were straight back in my head. I've got time for a cigarette. But, since the first week of quitting had passed, they weren't excruciatingly strong and they were easy to deal with.
I'm not making any claims, it is a day at a time proposition, (I have given up 4 times this year, after all) but I feel much better for not smoking. I sleep better. I feel healthier, less coughing, less crap on my lungs, my chest feels less constricted. I have more money in my wallet and I have warm feet.
What's not to like?

Boys of the world

I find Japanese boys with Aussie accents hot. "G'day" Handsome Tiko.
French boys should speak for all of mankind, read the script that is, dressed in nothing but boxer shorts. Lovely Sebastian.
I love the way Italian boy's pants fall down, so easily. I love the way they have unmitigated pride in their manhood and how they show them off. Hot Tony.
I love the sweet, tender way Greek boys kiss. I love their hairy chest, legs and arses. Manny, of course.
The way gorgeous Thai boy's swagger, gets me hard. Sexy Art.
Argentinian boys are some of the most beautiful on this earth. Gorgeous Emanuel.
I love the way how strong Lebo boys are. They are "men" even when you enter them doggy style from behind. Danko the lion.
Turkish men are beautiful, they have big round balls they love sucked. They have thick cocks that spray so fine. Coby the brave.
I love the way English boys look all doe-eyed, as they let you undo their belts and open them up. Their accents make my knees shake. James the prince.
New Zealand boys take it up the arse. Buzz-cut Glenn, with 2 n’s.
I love the cockiness of American boys, I love how their confidence is, usually, backed up with something impressive. Lylie with shinny white teeth.
Aussie boys are hot for it and are laid back about getting laid, either way, whatever feels good. The great southern land. “Beaudy mate,” says Craig, with his thick, hairy chest.
German boys do it in the dark and won't talk about it afterwards. Shy Bern.
Indian boys have the most beautiful skin. Nadesh with beautiful whites in his eyes.
Chinese boys just want to party hard and get fucked all night. Andrew was lots of fun.
Scottish boys have devilish grins. Cheeky Paul.

Sunday, March 11, 2007


Roy stood in front of Todd’s door. He rocked backward and forwards on the soles of his feet, as he waited for his ring to be answered.
Todd opened the front door, with a big gesture. Roy couldn't tell his mood, Todd had that look on his face, again – kind of wide-eyed, slightly surprised. Was it good? Was it not? Roy couldn't read it.
“Have you been out to look, at the finished job?” Roy asked, nervously.
“Yes,” said Todd. “You were right, bigger is, um, er...” he looked away. “Better.”
Roy couldn't help but smile; he felt the muscles in his face crease, almost involuntarily. “The way it catches the morning sun, from the side of the house...”
“It is beautiful, you were right to make the suggestion.”
There was silence. They looked awkwardly to the ground. Todd looked passed Roy, as if he was looking at the day and then he looked back.
I thought we could go out, maybe, get a bite to eat... see a movie... perhaps.
“Roy.” Todd sighed heavily. “I can't,” he said. “It wouldn't work...”
“It doesn't matter,” said Roy. “It's not that important.”
“It does to me,” said Todd. “It is important to me.”
“I've... I've heard about this new thing,” said Roy. “A relaxation technique.”
“What do you do? Only use the first few inches?” said Todd. “I'm not sure I'd ever get used to that pain... or want to...”
“I love you,” said Roy. Suddenly. Kind of out of the blue. He even surprised himself.
Todd sighed long and hard. He smiled sweetly, nervously. “You have a big heart, and... that's the problem,” Todd said. “It's a damn shame. A damn shame, 'cause I like you a lot.” He stroked the side of Roy’s face. Tears welled in his eyes. Roy wanted Todd to touch him more.
Roy was supposed to be just building Todd's deck, that's all. A simple cash transaction. They'd been attracted to each other right from the beginning, some weeks ago. Roy has fallen hard for Todd. They'd slept together, last Friday, after too much red wine. Todd was, well... disappointed isn't quite the right word.
Roy had just finished off the deck, now. On time and on budget, even with the increase.
“I could have surgery, I guess,” said Roy. His smile disappeared from his face as quickly as it appeared. “If they can do it the other way...”
“Don't be daft,” said Todd. “Not for me... not for anyone.”
“At least I am ready to make suggestions. Try...”
“Such, as it was... that you got it in, or how long you have it in, or how you are…” said Todd, tongue-tied. “No!" He looked at the ground. "I can't." He stepped back. "I'm sorry.”
He closed the door.
Roy felt like a part of him had died, he thought, with surprise. He felt physical pain. He felt a chill up his back, like a pain from his kidneys, or something.
It wasn't fare, it should be an advantage, but all it does is strike fear into men's hearts... makes them recoil, fearful, back away, bleed.
Roy went out and stood on the deck, in the winter sunshine and his heart swelled, as he looked across the deck to the valley stretching out as far as the eye could see. It truly was beautiful, breath taking and now there was a platform from which to view it. He’d imagined drinking champagne with Todd sitting right there, on his deck. It was bigger, at Roy's suggestion, than what Todd had wanted, initially. It looked grand; he'd been right to suggest the bigger size. Ironic, he thought.
Why do you want such a big one? was the only comment Todd’s mother had offered, when she first saw the finished deck. Todd and Roy couldn't look at each other, after that, it was the morning after the disastrous night before.
Roy wished he'd had time to tell Todd, he'd not be back, not tomorrow, not any time, but Todd had closed the door before he got a chance. If Todd knew he'd never see him again, would Todd have reconsidered? Who knows? He was going to travel and see the world. There was nothing keeping him there, any more, he could stop kidding himself that there was.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Manny, Manny, Manny

Manny called almost on queue, to say he was bored last night so he went out, first to the Laird and then to the Peel. Of course, he was going to call me and come over, but...
... but what Man?
He would, of course, have practically walked past my front door to get to the Laird and the Peel. Well ten metres of it.
Why is it that when I feel that I'd like him around the most, he heads out to entertain himself? (Not that I told him. And I know men aren't, generally, mind readers)
Or, is that me wanting my non-commitment relationship and my non-commitment cake too?
But he always seems to do it. The, admittedly few, - and I guess that is my answer right there, huh? - times I'd really like him to be around, he is always AWOL.
I guess you should just marry me, then... gorgeous, Greek-boy smile, his usual, annoying, answer to any such complaints, I might have. Grrr!

Well, There You Go

My arm made a remarkable recovery, yesterday, between St Vinnies, in the morning and going to see my own doctor, in the afternoon.
How are you, my doctor asked?
Okay, I said. Grumpy. Shitty. Over it.
That's no good, said my doctor. Come on, lets take a look at it.
When I took the sling off, the swelling had reduced, considerably and the redness had almost faded, it was as though he had charm it right back to normal.
I was pleasantly surprised.
No, you still have to wear the sling for another 5 days, said doc. No you still can't drive.

It's very hard typing one-handed. There aren't too many things that are best done one-handed? Speaking of which, Manny has been noticeably absent during this whole illness process. Of course, breaking into that boy's gym, food, body worship regime, may take a little more than a pussy elbow. I may need to end up in emergency on life-support, to gain his full, undivided attention.

Actually, that's not really fair, but I would have thought he would have turned up to see how I was with me being home, sick for three days.

Actually, thinking about it, I wonder if he even knows? It all seems to have happened so quickly.

When did I last speak to him?

He's better in a towel than a crisis.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Sunny Friday

I watched American comedies, all afternoon. What else was there to do? I just wanted the day to pass. I favoured Jennifer Aniston, not sure why?
I'm much more of a Jennifer fan than an Angie fan, Brad's an idiot! But I'm also more of a fan of Vince Vaughan's looks than Brad's, until I watched "The Break up" in which Vince is fat and not attractive.
"Rumour has it" was good, but then again anything with Shirley Maclaine in it has to be good.
I really liked "Friends with Money." It was more internal than the others.
I also watched "The Devil Wears Prada." Streep being a bitch, it has to be worth a look.
I didn't necessarily watch them for their quality, but their quantity was pretty much assured to make a quite afternoon on the couch disappear. I wanted fluff and pretty fluff at that.
Anyway, I'm off to hossy for more antibiotics, straight into my veins, as one of the good doctors so aptly put it.

It's 11.11.
As I slipped passed the fat lady on the wheelie bed, on my way out, puffing on a ciggy, with the whiter than white sheet almost covering her gangrenous toe and past the rake thin man, in the Sydney Swans trackie top, on crutches juggling his ciggy on his good side, I slipped on my beanie and it was all I could do not to cry, as I headed to Gertrude Street. I'm not very good at being sick, 3 days and I'm over it. The doctors think my arm is getting better; while the swelling and redness is becoming less intense, it is still spreading out further along my arm. I'm sick of the sling pulling on my neck and I've got to wear it for another week. I want to drive, I want to go to the country. I want to use both my hands.
I could feel the sun glistening on my tears, as they sat on my cheeks, as I walked towards home. I wiped them away and nobody noticed. I felt so alone.

Of course, that should read, I felt so sorry for myself. Mark has offered to come down every day from the country to look after me. My friend Jill says she is at my call twenty four hours a day and that I must call even for the most trivial thing - she knows of a woman who died from septicaemia from a rose thorn prick, recently. Jill calls daily, as does Mark. Lottie has offered to come over and stay.
But you know, when I'm sick I just want to deal with it myself; into the world on your own, out of the world on your own and when it's matters of illness and health, again, you have to do it yourself, nobody can do it for you.

I must call Tom. He had a kidney biopsy, today.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Phobias and the Like

I guess I can say that my poisoned elbow has got me over my phobia of needles. I've had a drip in my forearm vein for 3 days, which is unheard of for me.
I remember, the first time I had a drip in my arm was for a CAT scan, some years ago. I very nearly freaked out, on that occasion. I remember feeling a glimpse of what completely loosing it felt like. I remember thinking, I'm a second from completely freaking out! I was sliding down that murky tunnel. The machine buzzed and I slid further in.
I couldn't let that happen. I wasn't going to be that person. You see, you have to keep completely still for a CAT scan and my logical brain (thank the universe for it!) thought, The reality is that eventually they would just put me back in here to start the scan again, if I did freak out. They would only make me do it again. And I didn't want to do that. The machine buzzed and I slid again.

So, I thought of one thing and I concentrated on it with every thing I had. I transported myself out of that dingy, basement laboratory out on to a beautiful country road with one of the most beautiful saloon cars ever made, the Jaguar Mk 2.
I looked at every detail of that beautiful car, from rear bumper bar to the gorgeous boot, to the exquisite door handles, to the spoke wheels (they do come without spoke wheels, but naturally I wouldn't be thinking about those cars) to the beautiful grill and sexy head lights, to the "Leaper," the bonnet ornament, in ever, minute detail. It took blue, maroon and green saloon cars before the scan was done. I went into stasis, to stop myself from completely falling a part.
The nurses voice came in and retrieved me from a very far away place.
Okay Christian, we're done.
Get this thing out of my arm, were my first words.
Yes, yes. Just a moment and...
GET this thing out of my arm NOW!!!! I bellowed, through gritted teeth. I'm sure the veins in my eyes were burning red. I'm sure my intensity engulfed her immediately. She whipped the needle out without another word needing to be said.
So you see, when the doctor, at St Vinnies, told the nurse to put the drip in my arm and to leave it there for three days, I felt the same anxiety rising up from the pit of my stomach, bile washing my teeth, but I told myself it would be fine. Just stop, be calm, don't worry. I told myself not to look away when it was being inserted and I didn't and it was fine. I watched the 2 centimetre needle disappear under my skin, into my vein, and the world didn't stop and I didn't die.
The point is, that I've had this drip in my arm for three days and I've hardly thought about it.
I guess you can get used to any thing, it's just a matter of going through it. I guess you can get over phobias. It's beginning to itch, but that is a different problem.
I've got over my phobia of flying, by telling myself that I'm just not scared any more. I told myself the fear was irrational, as flying is one of the safest ways to travel. I told myself that if I can push my car up to 150/160 on the country roads around Bolago, without a second thought, I have no right to be scared of flying. And it worked.
I now seem to be over my needle phobia... I'll make a junkie yet. Ha, ha. It suited me when me and my friends got into drugs, when half of them got into injecting speed, my needle phobia kept me standing with the half who wouldn't shoot up. We were told we were wimps. We were told we were children. We were told we didn't know what we were missing. As it turned out, the ones who did shoot up all ended up having a problem with it. They are all fine now, but that is a different story for another time.
I'll have to work on my fear of heights. But, I reckon that the height phobia has a greater physical element to it. It makes me disorientated and nauseous and dizzy. I'm not sure how to deal with the physical manifestations. I think the mental ones are easier to deal with.

Kiss Me

A loose pice of skin, who'd have thought

I picked at a loose piece of skin on my left elbow, nonchalantly, in a beer garden, as I drank beer with mates, on a carefree, balmy Friday night, two Fridays ago. Who the hell would have thought that would lead to 3 days in hospital (as an out patient) hooked up to an intravenous drip. My arm has to be in a sling for how long?
Yes, I have to go back to hossy tomorrow. And then I have a high dose of oral antibiotics to take for the next week. The infection is half way to my shoulder and half way to my hand. My elbow still resembles a whitch's hat... or is that skin pulled tightly over a witches tit, with puss for the nipple?
Bloody hell!
The moral to this story is, um? Moisturise your elbows?
Oh, I don't know. Fucken hell?

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The arm gets worse

The doctor said that I should come back if I didn't notice it easing off in the next two days.
Today, the infection wasn't just my elbow, oh no, no, no, it had spread half way down my forearm. So I called the doc, who was off for the next three days, so the receptionist said, Just come in, I'll get another doctor to look at it.
When I was at the clinic, I asked if I could see my own doctor, as I didn't want to see Doctor X, but no, my own doctor was remaining busy and some what out of reach.
No, I can't squeeze you into see your own doctor, said the receptionist. But you are the first in line for Doctor X.
Okay, now I have to say it, I thought. The trouble is that I don't like Doctor X, I explained.
Oh, okay, I can put you in with Doctor Y, at 12.
Cool, I said. I like Doctor Y, he's a nice bloke.
The few times I've seen Doctor X, he has treated me like an idiot, but more to the point, I have thought he was an idiot.
Oh my goodness, were Doctor Y's first words, as I showed him my elbow.
That can't be good, I thought.
Anyway, he sent me to hospital. I've been in St Vinnies getting intravenous antibiotics, for the afternoon. (other people go out for a long lunch) I now have my arm in a sling, a drip in my arm and the rest of the week off work. (other people go to Fiji) I have to go back tomorrow for more intravenous antibiotics. Yeah!

Now, I'm going to lay on the couch and watch day time television. I wonder which is worse, hospital or day time television?

Sickness Abounds

This was the email I sent to Tom, this morning -
I've got a sore toe, sore knee, sore forearm, sore elbow. I have a bad, dry cough and I feel cold-like sick. At least, I don't have a head ache today, but, I guess, the day is still young.
How are you?
I wasn't to know that during the day my elbow would swell like a baboon's arse, to such a degree that I'd be having it cut open by 5pm and drained of puss.
Apparently, I have a major infection.
Have I been feeling unwell? asked the doctor.
I have been feeling like a crock of shit! Doc.
I'm not surprised, she said.

This was Tom's email that awaited me when I got home.
How are you? How was your weekend?
Mine was very quiet, I barely left the house. I have “kidney failure” apparently – I’m still pissing so apparently it’s not deadly. They told me this on Friday. Of course, I pooh-poohed that and said, “I’m dehydrated! I’ll go home and drink!”
Well, I drank and I drank and I drank and yesterday my kidneys still only showed “10-18 per cent” functioning. 
So, today I am waiting for them to call when they have a bed.
I've had to withdraw from most of Uni, already missed last week.
Oh it’s all ‘challenging’! I don’t like having to change my plans!
BUT, I will let them do what they need to do and finally let my body rest, as well.
Anyway that’s me. Grrr!
Gimme a call on the mobile sometime soon?
xxxx T
I wasn't to know Tom was admitted to hospital in the afternoon. I was going to go and visit him, but my elbow is very sore and I don't think I could drive. I know I couldn't drive, maybe, if I had an automatic, but I don't. It's my left elbow, I'm sure I couldn't change gears and steer, at the same time.
I can't bend it above my chest, which may be because of the way it's bandaged up rather than the incision itself. I laughed, when I tried to drink my tea while I was on the phone, even when I swapped hands, it was still useless. I can't work two arms at once, no matter what I have in each hand.
When the local anaesthetic wore off, it really started to hurt. 
Michael and I didn't speak. Nothing, not a peep.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Lovely Michael

The lovely Michael, at work, sent me this email, quite out of the blue, yesterday afternoon.

Behave now :o)

What? I thought, feeling the faintest chill of excitement. I wondered what he meant? He told me a few days a go how he wants to split up from his boyfriend, is in the process of splitting up with his boyfriend. I thought, when he told me, now is my chance to sleep with him, break all my rules about work colleagues for the first time. You gotta love gay boys sympathies, now don't you?
What was he thinking? (with the email)
How should I respond?

make me :)

I wondered what he'd reply with? Michael and I have been friendly enough, a little flirty, in the beginning, but not so much lately.

Touche` :o)

Same mouth diagram. Does that say something in itself?

nice mouth action... imagine if the wind changed.

Is that too tacky, I thought, as soon as I sent it? Is this all in my own mind? Am I being too obvious? Or is he flirting with me?


Pull back, leave them wanting more? Or go in harder? I couldn't decide, so I pulled back, just for the time being.
Ah, handsome Michael, with the gorgeous smile. I wonder what his intentions are?
We'll see what happens today?

Monday, March 05, 2007

Who cares about the environment?

The only move our disgusting Prime Minister makes, as far as global warming is concerned, is to roll out a nuclear energy package that will make his rich mates even richer.
This has nothing to do with green house gases, or the environment, it has everything to do with the free market economy and the uranium industry. He stacked an inquiry so he'd only get a favourable outcome for nuclear. The little bastard, 70 year old, Prime Minister is just using it as an opportunity to get enrichment of uranium acceptable with the electorate.
He is still not taking the environment seriously. This is not the time, nor the issue, to be a political opportunist, Howard.
He seems to have been successful, thus far, in hoodwinking the public into believing that nuclear energy is green, in the sense that nobody is challenging him on the claim, when it is any thing but green. It is marginally cleaner that coal, when all things – mining and toxic waste – are taken into account. But it is still trading one filthy fossil fuel for another.
When are we going to get some, actual, inspiration from our leaders on the worlds problems, other than mining the hell out of the planet, shooting anyone who disagrees and licking that great super power America's arse?

You know, I didn't think there was anything left in politics to make me go HEY YEAH! Yes! Yes! YES! YES! YES! (a la Meg Ryan from When Harry met Sally) but there is and it is up to the very good people of Bennelong. Come on guys, do the rest of Australia a favour and give that little fucker, our disgusting Prime Minister, the ignominious end that he truly deserves. Come on, vote in Maxine McKew! Hell, you could vote in Janet Howard’s cancerous cunt, for all I care, just give Mr Sheen the fitting political end that the little wart so truly deserves.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Lovely Daniel

Daniel Radcliffe's Equus photos show the boy has grown up.

Harry Potter strips down, I’d like to see that, I thought, so I went on a hunt to see what I could find. What I found is that we’re really screwy about nudity, aren't we.
Here’s what one reader said - which was representative of quite a few.
He was such a good actor until he ruined his reputation and respect with this stripper act! gross! He’s ugly now!!!!!! - Aimee
Parents complain of shirtless Harry Potter photos. Spare us all!
Why are we so fucked up about nudity, or Daniel’s stripper act, as so many of the punters have commented? I guarantee there would be barely an audible squeak if he was killing people with a gun rather than taking his clothes off.
Why do we not blink at violence, but gasp at nudity?
Why is the human body not a thing of beauty?
And no, Kimberly, it’s not wrong that you want to cover him in chocolate. Bobby is bringing the whipped cream.
Also what’s the objection to his body hair? As you can see, he hardly has any. Sterilised into oblivion?

I loved the mental picture of the pro-nudity pundits, when they commented on his nude scenes, If he can pull this off, it will be good for him and his career.
I’d like to watch him pull it off. The Equus role, that is. Best get myself to London, hey?

The truth is that I’d rather read about Equus and look at Daniel Radcliffe’s toger than hear the endless regurgitation of Iraq atrocities and the Taliban's resurgence, Iran's nuclear Armageddon, global warming, or how evil Islam is going to bring about the end of the world, as we know it.

How do I feel? (Day 4)

The constant gnawing and the gentle lightness in the relief; a juxtaposition of amazing opposites. It’s a good, freeing feeling and a slow, nagging shrinkage of essential fuel for every cell – although ever cell, actually, feels so much better, if they could only stop kidding themselves and acknowledge that the change is for the good. Every thing is better; breathing, lungs, warmth of the peripheries. I've got toasty feet, which can be some what distracting. Not to mention sleep, which is as light as a souffle and as fulfilling as one hundred nights of slumber.

Grumpy leg and grumpy arm syndrome, actually, feel good; comforting, alive and fulfilling, like feeling is returning. Clean – like the disruption is facilitated with mountain fresh water… and good intentions. Without the constant poison of cigarettes, there is a certain lightness of being.

It’s all good. Maybe the angsty feeling is “normal” and it’s just that I've smoked for so long that I can’t recognise it, any longer.

The secret is to just stop thinking about it, to get it out of your head, but I want to scream out loud and rage against the world and I want to shrink myself down into the smallest, stillest ball.
I feel like a rat-bag with the best of intentions.

I'm already snotting up and coughing up crap, which is truly delightful, but this weird cold that I have had may have something to do with that. The dry, hacking cough. You should see the tissue, first thing in the morning. Eew! But, as Lottie says, It's better to get it out than in.

Rachael, at work, has had the same cold. She is on her second batch of antibiotics in an attempt to get rid of it. Maybe, I need some drugs too?

Saturday, March 03, 2007


I went to bed early. I don't think Josh quite believed me when I said, at 19.30, that I was going to. But, day 2 of quitting smoking, I just have to keep a low profile. I had something quick to eat and then headed to my room. I don't remember what I watched on teev, as the withdrawal from nicotine makes me sleepy, tired. Drained, really. I drifted in and out, the shadows reached in through my windows and balcony doors and stroked my head. Sleep is as light as a feather, without the poisoning effects of cigarettes. For the first week, sleep is best, just give in, don't fight it.
In a sense, it is like floating on a cloud, as every cell in my body re-adjusts; alive with withdrawal, or alive with life, it's perception. Glass half-full, glass half-empty, just depends how you look at it.
The twilight world of withdrawal. Floating, in a sense, free, freeing. I admit that my bed is my favourite place to be. Whoosh! Whoosh!
I remember opening my eyes and seeing Manny sliding his pants down. I remember him sitting across my lap, his hairy legs, his slender arse. I remember his cock hard on my stomach, as he leaned down and kissed me and whispered, Are you awake?
I remember his soft lips. He's grown a beard, at present, it's, surprisingly, soft on my face. I remember his smell, that Manny scent.
Just passing by, he whispered in my ear. I just wanted you.
I felt like the guy in the Sheridan sheet add, as he got dressed again. He's so beautiful, I think I was purring.
That's the first installment of your reward, said Manny.
For what?
For quitting smoking, he said. There's more where that came from, if you stay off them.
I promise, I said, sleepily.
That's my boy, he said.
Then he was gone...
And now, him being here seems like a dream. Was it just a dream? Was he here? I'm really not sure, now. Do you think he'd be offended, if I called him to ask? How offended could he be, at least I'm dreaming about him.
I guess, I could ask Josh. He would have had to let him in.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


If only she could get away from him, she could out run him, easily. He was grossly fat, after all. Disgusting. Like jelly, it was true. He breathed with his mouth open. He repelled her. He had small, closely set eyes.
He was all hands, arms, he seemed to have more than the usual number. He kept hold of her, no matter how she struggled. She could smell his BO, pungent and sour, as he held her tight, his arm around her neck. She could feel his spongy fat, against her chin, as he dragged her through the garden.
How naive had she been? This sort of thing happened to other women, not her, not women she knew. He just wanted directions - could she look at his map and tell him the direction he had to go. He just said he needed more light to see it, through the gate into the sun. She hadn't even realised until he grabbed her, it just didn't occur to her. He held her in a head-lock, with his fat fore-arm jammed up under her jaw, as he pulled her out of sight. He was saying that she shouldn't resist, that she should give-in, that way she would come to less harm. She was going to be his play thing, for a while. If she resisted, he couldn't guarantee what he would have to do to her.
He had bad breath, sour, like onions and off-cream. His voice was soft and gravely, like a strained whisper.
He'd dragged her into an abandoned house, she'd never taken any notice of before. Her shirt had ripped, a nail had jammed her in the back, from a door frame, it was supposed to keep the door closed. Her mouth turned dry with the pain. Her shirt felt wet where the nail had got her.
He'd thrown her to the ground, on the dusty, concrete floor and she was still winded, as she felt him on top of her, his hands slide up her skirt, from behind. His fingers under the elastic of her panties. She froze, didn't know if she should kick or squirm.
"Roll over! Roll over!" he demanded.
She rolled to her right. She had to think. Quickly. What was she going to do? She had to do some thing, before he did. It was only the two of them, now.
He was crouching. He went to stand up, but he slipped and fell sideways, onto his hip and elbow, like a whale out of water.
She pulled her legs to her chest, without thinking too much. It was instinctive. He was repulsive.
"Hey!" she screamed. He looked up. She felt a surge of power from the pit of her stomach the likes of which she had never experienced. Her legs shot out like uncoiling springs.
He looked completely surprised, as her high heal struck him in the cheek, puncturing the flesh, blood spurted, as his hands raised to meet it. Her other un-shoed foot struck him in the eye. She felt her teeth clench so hard, as her foot met with his eye socket, that she wouldn't have been surprised if she'd broken them all. She could feel the bone of his scull on the heal of her foot. She wanted to shake it clean, wash it, cleanse it.
He went over backwards. His head fell back, his mouth open like a torn purse. He went over like sixteen bags of shit.
She scrambled to her feet, tried to. Couldn't. Fell. She was shaking, uncontrollably. Powerless.
His head clunked on the concrete floor and rolled sideways. His mouth open, his eyes open, staring at her. The high-heel of her shoe still puncturing the flesh of his cheek.
She pushed away from him, slid across the floor, until her back was against a wall. She pushed herself up it, to her feet. There was blood on her arm, from the nail. She walked around the edge of the room to the door, so she didn't have to go close to him, lying prone on the floor.
She looked back at him, the grotesque thing, like something congealed on the bare floor. She looked away.
She ran out of the derelict house. She coughed, as she breathed in the fresh air. She couldn't stop coughing. Sobbing. Coughing, as she tried to breath. Her face was wet, with tears, salty, not sticky like blood.