Sunday, July 31, 2005

Beau & all the boys

SMS. 1.00. Somersault is ace! Really good! – Christian

I woke up when it was still dark, the little hand was still on six, but only just. The metal cock ring around my balls was tight against my morning piss-fat. My cock throbbed and banged around as I moved, it was so rock, solid hard.
I turned on the Greek boy porn, with the incredible specimens of manhood it contains and made short work of my thumper.
Last night, when I was in bed stoned, I was thinking about that night that I took ecstasy with Angus, when he said, I suppose you’d like to have sex with me? I should have just said, “Yes.” Looked over at him. “Take your pants off, let me see you in your jocks.” He did it, compliantly; undid his belt, unzipped his fly, slid his black jeans down his legs. Those intense eyes, blazing with desire, Aryan style, contained in the inexperienced fear of the uncertainty of beauty. He appeared younger with his pants off; my stepson’s handsome best mate. He dropped his jeans, nervously, to the floor, almost a teenager biting his lips. His men’s leg’s showing the results of his gym routine; his cream cotton jocks starting to struggle with their contents. He pushes at it, to hide it and make it feel good, all at the same time.
“Move your hand away, sit back.”
Then he sat back with his hands behind his head and allowed me to admire how beautiful his big, hard cock was.
Josh had left amyl, I’d already got it from the freezer, I can’t be trusted with it.
I took a big sniff at it. Almost at once, I got a text from Beau saying that he’d noticed me gazing at his crotch and that it turned him on wildly – the last time we all took drugs, Beau wore his tracksuit pants the next day. I couldn’t help but notice. He caught me several times, because I wanted to be caught, and he smile broadly each time, like he wasn’t hating it. It was hot. I watched as he snogged Tim, as it grew quickly, sliding right up to his waistband. When he looked back I made sure I was looking at it. He put his arm over it instinctively and then smiled at me provocatively.
I text him back, you have a nice bulge, like you have a nice arse.
I want you to fuck me. I’m at your front door.
I tiptoed to the front door and let him in.
He’s solid and sexy naked. He lay on my bed and I licked his sweet arse. He murmured and whimpered and pushed his arse back in my face. He slid his arse up and down my mouth. There is nothing nicer than licking out a butch boy’s arse.
Then he was sitting on top of me hitting his big cock on my chest.
You’re negative, aren’t you?
Yes, I said.
He lubed my cock and sat back on it.
"Fuck me Christian."
The he did a kind of sideways movement and I slid in to him, bare back, I could feel every cell inside him.
Ahhhhh!, he said as I slid up his arse. I love raw cock up my arse. He shivered with excitement as he slid back hard. Skin on skin.
I want your spoof inside me.
I rolled him over and fucked him sideways. He responded by opening his arse up, all defences gone, no resistance at all. The boy from Roxbourgh Park, a total bottom. We fucked long, slow and deep. Beau moaning with excruciating pleasure the whole time. Riding him like the young colt that he is.
And then I dreamt about my stepson Jason. He arrived late, someone let him in, he was at my bedside gently calling to me.
I need to sleep. Is it cool?
Sure, I said.
He stripped off his shirt and his jeans and crawled in next to me, with his gym pumped body, in his flimsy jocks.
I’m sorry, he said. Will you hold me? We lay sideways wrapped in each other’s arms. Our legs entwined. Our cock and balls together. He felt solid and smelt like a man. He was warm and his skin smooth.
His cock slowly grew hard until it was huge and pushing into me and could go unnoticed.
“I want to take my jocks off,” Jason said. My cock went hard in response. He slipped them down. We held each other tight, hard cocks and big, soft balls pushing together... and fell asleep.

SMS. 9.06. Yeah I thought it great. Moody huh? Hey did u c that new comedy show on aBc on wed,

We Can be Heros? FUCKING HILARIOUS! Mockumentary on Australian of the year – Ab
Where all of that came from, I have no idea. I only smoked dope. It was the amyl, I swear. It just turns you into a space cadet. I swear that’s why I gave it up five, ten years ago. It’s time to grow up, just because
So you can understand why I woke with a rager, this morning.

SMS. 11.06. How about PORTIA as a name 4 Staffy? – Rachel
SMS. 11.10. Blur! Yuk! I like Tilly – Christian
And then Carmine messaged me on gayday.
SMS. 14.23. Driving past the Bite – Christian
SMS. 14.24. Big sigh! I still like the name Blu, but troops not persuaded as yet. Tilly is a bit 2 cute me thinks – Rachel
SMS. 14.27. Blu is available – Christian

When I told Mark I was going on a date with an Italian he said, Are you mad?

I came home and watched Law and Order with Tim. Smoked pot. Laughed a lot.

Today the sky was blue and the sun was shining. I lay in the middle of an oval, in Parkville, for a few hours as Carmine lay on my chest while he flew his kite. Then he cooked me dinner, watched Big Brother with me, sucked my dick. And he has a foreskin.
He’s half Italian, the other half wasn’t specified.
How’s Canberra?

Now I’m having my last joint of my holidays. Just before I’m forced to switch the wretched iron on, sweetie ... my reaction to realising that I only had a week left of my holidays, was to go to the newsagents and buy every tattslotto ticket they had for this week. It cost me $70, but I didn’t care. Not a cent! Crap!
I soooooooooooo don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m not going. You can’t make me.
Switch the iron on, Christian. Double crap!!
No wretched dogs, I reverted to a cat person, I’m afraid. A big fat, lazy cat with attitude will do me just fine. I’d quite like two. No mess. No fuss. I’m more your cat kinda personality, anyway. I tell you that I find if Fred stays too long, I’m plotting his demise with Missy.
Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. I can’t stand it in humans, I’m not letting some mutt get away with it.
If I had a big property, some land where they could run, yeah, sure, I’d have a Rotti, I’d be on my third by now, for sure. But the inner suburbs are enough of a personality, demanding of one’s energy… oh, I don’t know what I’d call it. Can you tell I’m on my third joint? There is just not enough room in the inner suburbs for dogs. Thoroughly depressed, let me tell ya. Work tomorrow. Boo goddamn fucking who!
I spent a good part of the afternoon with a sexy Italian, lying on my chest as he flew his kite, in the middle of an oval in Parkville – remember, I drove past The Bite… blue sky, sunshine. Glorious. At one stage I got caught with my hand up his T-shirt playing with his nipples. The old couple came from nowhere, I swear. A few minutes later and I could have had my hands down his pants. The old dear gave us a sideways look, as we dissolved into giggles, as it was. I swear, it was for five minutes only though, out of three hours, mostly we just talked and chilled out. I swear them old couples, they have radar for it. At any other time the oval was completely empty… still; we floated on an emerald bed. Alas, all now but a distant, fucking memory.
The iron is screeching at me, I think that means it’s been on for fifteen minutes without moving. Everything in modern life eventually screeches at you. Have you noticed?
Life could be just so fucking simple, I tells ya. Five million dollars and I could write all day and have a hot social life, read sex life, to fucking boot. Work just gets in the way of the good stuff. If I don’t have to work, I actually get the inclination to leave the house.
On my grave it will read, No, he never really did do what he wanted to do, because he had to work. It’s a scandal.
Who do I complain to, because quite frankly I’m sick of it?
Fuck it, I’m having another joint.

Dear Raymond.
How rude of me. I didn’t even mention your name in Jeff’s email. Kiss ya arse. Nothing. I think it does say one thing to me though and that is I have reverted to the single boy mentality. It’s very interesting, well, I thought so anyway. I kind of like it.
So, how are you? How’s the deep north?
I’m having the last joint of my holidays. Just before I’m forced to switch the wretched iron on, sweetie ... I’ve just had two weeks off. It’s been glorious. My reaction to realising that I only had one week of my holidays left (last Monday, are you keeping up, sweetie?) was to go to the newsagents and buy every tattslotto ticket they had for this week. (just gone) It cost me $70, but I didn’t care.
Not a cent! Crap! I soooooooooooo don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m not going. You can’t make me.
Switch the iron on, Christian. Double crap!!
Thoroughly depressed, let me tell ya. Work tomorrow. Boo goddamn fucking who!
Even if, I spent a good part of the afternoon with a sexy Italian lying on my chest, as he flew his kite, in the middle of an oval in Parkville – just near the commonwealth games village…who would have guessed it was there, behind the red and yellow sticks… blue sky, sunshine. Glorious. At one stage, I got caught with my hand up his T-shirt playing with his nipples, the kite sailing high above us in the blue sky. The old couple came from nowhere, I swear. A few minutes later and I could have had my hands down his pants. The old dear gave us a sideways look, as it was, as we dissolved into giggles. I swear, it was for five minutes only though, out of three hours, mostly we just talked and chilled out. I swear them old couples, they have radar for it. At any other time the oval was completely empty…still, we floated on an emerald pond of grass. Alas, all now but a distant, fucking memory, sweetie.
The iron is screeching at me, I think that means it’s been on for fifteen minutes without moving. Everything in modern life eventually screeches at you. Have you noticed?
Life could be just so fucking simple, I tells ya Mr Adams. Five million dollars and I could write all day and have a hot social life, to fucking boot. Work just gets in the way of the good stuff. If I don’t have to work, I actually get the inclination to leave the house. Who wants to do anything else, when they leave in the dark and come home in the dark? I could read. I could be interesting.
Who do I complain to, because quite frankly I’m sick of it?
Fuck it, I’m having another joint.
Jasus! The iron is screeching at me again!
Sweetie, sweetie, when will this ever stop?
Big smile

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Bye bye Josh

I was up at 6.45. Yay for me. I haven’t had a sleeping for any of my holidays, except for those days where I poisoned myself, of course.
You watch, on Monday, I’ll be awake at 8.20am.
No sooner had I pulled out my CD back up, from yesterday, to check that it all came out as it was supposed, and had signed onto gaydar, than Carmine contacted me.
Yum, yum, he was supposed to come straight over, he doesn’t live so far away. I got the shakes and had to eat something and I put the heating on, suspecting the shakes was just because I was cold. I turned off my computer

New profile in progress…
I want sex and I want a boyfriend, hopefully in the same package. I want a guy to be monogamous because he feels the same way, not from some fear of getting into trouble; a friend, a sex buddy and a confidant. Someone who comes home with me because he couldn’t think of anything he’d like to do better.
I’ll know him when he really understands my idea of monogamy. That he doesn’t stand me up for someone else. He doesn’t dump for somebody else. He doesn’t keep me waiting, or leave me stranded. Other than that, he can do what he likes. If I’m busy doing something else, he can have sex with whoever he wants. Sex isn’t such a big taboo, in fact, it is a recreational sport to be enjoyed.
But, until that comes along, sex will do just fine.

I want all the usual things. I want him to look the way I want him to look. I want him to act the way I want him to act, I want him to be the person I want him to be, blah, blah, blah. We all know what those things are, nice smile, nice eyes, nice cock, nice arse, nice bloke…but mostly I want him to be smart and funny and interesting, with a life of his own and things to say about stuff. Opinions are definitely good. Mostly, he has to be a good kisser and good to hold.
But until then, get your cock out and show some enthusiasm.
SMS. 9.21. Yes, I’m proud of you, you were very noble going on Josh’s last night. Let’s catch up, when are you free? – Jill
SMS. 9.29. Got a nice wog-boy coming over for a bonk, so I’m proud of myself – Christian
SMS. 9.29. From last night? – Jill
SMS. 9.30. Yes – Christian
SMS. 9.30. There u go, it was worth going – Jill
SMS. 9.32. I already knew him but – Christian
From Logan - If you get your shit together we can have a fun Logan :)
From Christian - Hmmmm, being told, I like that in a guy. But usually they don't like my self determination. He's got a mind of his own, damn it! I'm getting hard just thinking about looking down at you as you sock my cock so enthusiastically.
SMS. 12.19. (Ab) I reckon Hansel & Gretal should start in Dimboola in homage to the classic Aussie film – Christian

Subject: Arriving in Berlin

I’ve decided how we are going to arrive in Berlin, at Judy’s (Ab’s pet name for Josh); on top of the Beverly Hillbillies old truck, me in a straw hat and overalls and you in a red and white gingham shirt and hair in pigtails, with all of Judy’s stuff, junk, crap loaded in the back – even if we have to collect more from around Melbourne before we go. If we could get the old truck to back-fire furiously, it would make a very good impression on the buttoned up, stitched down, dour Germans.

SMS. 15.23. (Guido) Are u available for u know what? – Christian

Subject: Arriving in Berlin

we'll say as we spit off the side of the truck, 'got any ciggies?'
then Tom will cough up a lung
and ill mention somthing about hard core gay prison sex and Belson being a gas...
then well go to beer barn where theres loads of italian boys and do the chicken dance x so glad you've decided to come after all, it'll be a hoot...anany!

Subject: Arriving in Berlin

Galies off in 5 minutes. Gone. Banished.
Reg (Mole here) Something’s not roight. I wanna steal something. Baaaaaad. But morals girls morals.
A. Mole

I took Josh to the airport. Jasus! The security is full-on. The fascists are getting the upper hand in the asylum, that’s for sure.
SMS. 17.11. Hey Christian, am in Kapunda SA. Scott has had a big night but should be awake soon. Try him on 04xx 1xx 3xx or 9429 xxxx. Cheers – Guido
His plane left at 5.30. It was just turning dark when I drove back onto the freeway. I saw a plane fly over-head. Good bye, Josh, I thought, as I watched the big bird bank to the right and disappear out of sight. I’ll miss you buddy.
SMS. 17.45. Kapuna, luv? Sounds gorgeous – Christian
SMS. 17.46. Are u home for u know what? – Christian
SMS. 17.46. Will do a rainy day for u – Scott
SMS. 17.50. Cool – Christian

im glad yr gettin hard thinking about my blow job me tomorrow early arvo if you're up for it , im givin u my number for the last time 04xx2xx9xx
I like the waitin ,but its time you had your cock sucked , we can have a fun
Logan :) you’ve now been told :)

Subject: Saturday Night

Miss ya already Galey.

SMS. 23.02. (Jill) I got to lick a very sexy wog-boy’s arse, just thought I’d tell you that. Josh said to say to thank u for a charming dinner – Christian

Friday, July 29, 2005

Friends become friends

Got up at 7am. Got playing on gaydar and nearly hooked up with a guy I’ve wanted to hook up for sex with for a very long time, Logan – there is an irony, think Big Brother.
SMS. 9.21. Do u still want to come over, or did my house mate being home put u off? Either way it’s cool – Christian
SMS. 9.44. Keen. What address? – Logan
SMS. 9.55. xx G. Street – Christian
But it didn’t eventuate.
I went and collected my car from Altona. That’s Altona way out in the boondocks, where the road practically finish and the paddocks start.
I got home by 3pm with a headache. Got a call from mum, not soon after, saying that she’d cleaned up the garage and what time was I arriving?
“Mum, I didn’t ask you to do that and I didn’t say I was coming over definitely.”
“Well, it’s done now. You might as well just bring the car over.”
“I have a headache and I’m lying down…”
“Oh Christian, you can lie down any time,” said Lottie.
I guess, I do not like my mother’s disapproval. Who’d have thought? Because I got to thinking, the Rover really will only be in the way, it needs to be in a garage, to save what’s left of its ravaged body and now is really the only and most convenient time, head ache withstanding. I really should do it now. Grrr!
Off I went.
Josh, Jill and I went to Victoria Street for Vietnamese. Josh was going from there to D.T.’s to meet friends and wanted me to go with him.
I still feel sick. I do feel like I have poisoned myself over the last few weeks with drugs, as my reaction a little later to Josh’s suggestion of taking one later will attest.
SMS. 20.31. I am bored only 2 people in the restaurant – Rachel
SMS. 20.35. Jan & my restaurant is quite cosy – Christian
SMS. 20.34. Fuck off! – Rachel
Josh and Jill got on like a house on fire.
SMS. 20.40. That comes later hopefully… but I’ll have to get myself out of Victoria Street & off to Lygon Street – Christian
SMS. 20.45. Thought u meant with Jill! – Rachel
SMS. 20.48. She’s got no dick… I assume – Christian
SMS. 20.49. R u @ work? – Christian
SMS. 21.06. Sometimes we all assume 2 much – Rachel
SMS. 21.11. So she does have a… – Christian
Tom called, during dinner, to say that James (Wesley’s blind poodle) had been found floating face down in the spa, apparently Benson’s (Wesley’s new dog) paws were still wet.
SMS. 21.22. Go away now I have 2 more customers – Rachel
SMS. 21.25. Any eligible blokes? – Christian
Josh was to go to DT's and I was to meet him there, that was the plan. We were late, he got delayed – and just by the by, Josh and I were purving at a really cute wog-boy, at who’s table a girl got sick and an Ambulance had to be called, in the middle of it all – and delayed. I think he was onto me. But eventually he did go.
Just after he left, Jill turned to me and said, You’re not going, are you?
Not a chance, I replied.
Oh well, I thought so. Even if it is his last night in Melbourne.
Don’t you hate people who have known you for so long that they know exactly which button to push and at what moment?
You bitch, I thought. She just smiled sweetly.
Last night, last night, last night, just kept running through my head. Followed by, you haven’t been much fun either, since he’s been here. A right boring git.
I just looked at Jill, her expression didn’t waver.
Oh! It was going to be soooo easy, Josh out the door, me home to bed. Easy peasy. Bugger! Okay, let’s pay the bill and get out of here, so you can drive me to DT’S
Certainly, said Jill. It would be my pleasure. (I don’t think that’s exactly what Jill said, but it’s what I heard, with a self-congratulatory tone)
At DT’s sometime later, Josh asked me if I wanted to take an e. My instant response was for my stomach to do a flip, after which bile came up into my mouth, literally. I took it as confirmation of what I have been suspecting all week, I took too many drugs, I poisoned myself.
Still, the thought of drugs makes me squeamish, like never before. I’ve always had a cast-iron constitution when it comes to drugs. I’ve always wanted to take more. But not now. No siree Bob! Blur, yuck, I could think of nothing worse. I kid you not.
I walked home from DT’s. It was a chilly night, but they walk was lovely. I was going to catch a tram, but none came along.
SMS. 23.08. (Jill) Just left there 4 another pub, so now I’m walking home. Didn’t u and I have this talk? It’s gonna be about me in future – Christian
I pissed in a laneway, just near the Porsche dealer, and felt like a straight boy. It’s amazing how long a piss takes when you are out in the open and a little nervous about it. But I got away unscathed. He, he.
I suddenly had an urge for a fillet of fish when I saw MacDonalds, very unlike me. It proved why I don’t eat MacDonalds, it was tasteless and rubbery and only lukewarm.
The night was busy and cool and dark.
Beau was smoking bongs on the couch when I got there. I smoked a couple of joints and watched, Meet the Folkers, until I was falling asleep, at which point I took myself off to bed.
I turned the light off at 1.30am.

Thursday, July 28, 2005



Mending fences

Up at 8am. Still cross about the fact that my dental appointment is only a consultation and not the actual procedure. Grr!

Subject: Thursday

Morning miss. How are you?

Subject: Karma is gonna get ya…me?

Hey Ab
Sorry about yesterday, I was in the foulest mood... actually, let’s go with the truth... I was coming down like a putrid bitch and was shitty with everyone and everything. I slammed doors and phones before I took myself off to my mother’s. I turned into Skanky eye shadow – blue – and just couldn’t face anyone. I was railing against the world inside in a furious display of, well, I’m not sure what now. Poison? The world was an awful place yesterday! Even Tom copped it when he tried to call me about an sms he couldn’t read.
“You know I can’t read sms’, it is frustrating when people send them...”
“Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, babe.” PUSH END!
Poor Josh, I have no idea what he thought. I got drugs for him for his stay upon his request, and then, basically, scoffed the lot myself, nearly. Not quite. As a result, I turned into a monster – it surprised me with its intensity – and had to take myself in-hand and out of sight.
Say no to drugs, Nancy!

This email was strategic, a little touch of Christian’s brilliant fence-mending. I think Josh may have given Ab the impression yesterday that I didn’t want to see her, that it was her that I didn’t want brought around here. I also think that he may have given Ab the impression that it was because of the phone bill – the irony of which is that it was Josh who was most pissed off about not being able to call long distance and mobiles. I couldn’t care less, in fact would – not really, only if pressed to give something positive about the situation – prefer it – less calls for me to pay for when Josh has gone. (besides, I have changed it over to Telstra anyway) And Tim wasn’t even aware that we couldn’t make such calls until a few days ago, as neither of us use it. But Josh does!
But, coincidently, I have a summary list of expenses Ab still owes email ready to send to her. Now, if I that was the next things Ab heard from me, it would have confirmed everything that Josh may have let her to believe – which really aren’t true anyway.
“So is the need for this consultation in direct response to you needing a new Mercedes?” was going to be my opening line to the dentist. But she disarmed me with her charm and general niceness, so I said nothing.
My first appointment is Sept 15th when I will be gouged and poked and scraped to the max. There is even going to be stitches, apparently.

SMS.11.16. (Ab) Next door neighbour has heard a rumour that B/Arms is to become apartments – Christian

Subject: Karma is gonna get ya…me?

beautiful boy!
i think there a lesson in this for all of us. drugs are gay you should fuck em off and find another outlet like a minion of hot Italian boys doing your behest.
can i say it any LOUDER lets plan a trip, fer real this time. this city can trap even the best of us, new perspective needed doll. im not taking your complacency anymore. i know you want more, i know you have still so much to contribute to this world, your just bored and dare i say a tad depressed at how life has panned out? a lot of us feel the same but i remind you of this a simple poem...

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder my friend, i love you very much and hope to connect with you deeper someday, and a most excellent world adventure would be a neat place to start don’t you agree?
x x x x x

Subject: Hello

I was shopping at Target that's why I didn't get your phone call, there is no service in the damned place... have no idea why... perhaps it’s because its under all that concrete that one hopes has been mixed, poured & cured correctly for fear it all may come crashin down upon my head... all for the sake of a $13 pair of pants for work I hate multi story buildings...just how do they stand up???
Go to and check out the puppies...not to mention the stud "Stanley' too cute. Yes we are off to view all 12 pups that are for sale to make our choice. I think I want a girl but if I see a boofy headed boy I may just come home with a boy. You should come and buy one too and they can have puppies!!! How cute!
I keep thinking 2 would be nice...they can keep each other company but I don't think I will convince Andre do you? I was in Kew this morning for a meeting at Carey I should have trotted over to you for lunch. Your voicemail was very funny because just as I was thinking 'why is he out of breath' you said 'I don't know why I'm out of breath...' Must be all that walking luv.
I have to go. Its Amy's 14th b/d tomorrow and between now and bedtime I have to make 28 cup cakes for her to take to school, not to mention feed everyone and take Anton to cycling in Coburg....COBURG fuck, I kid you not! Oh and I must remember to pick up Oliver from his friends house....
See ya!

Subject: Hello Dean

Hey Christian... sorry I missed it cos that sounds pretty enticing. Was that you that messaged me in the morning? I was pretty tanked myself but I was out like a light till midday or so.. .and was in no condition to travel hehe.
Hopefully soon though...

Subject: Hello Dean

Hey Dean
Yes it was me who messaged you, but I think I was more wasted than I thought as I slept all day. I’ve been on holidays for the last two weeks which has been great. But it’s nearly over.
We’ll catch up soon

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Slamin doors

SMS. 7.49. How about lunch 2day? – Rachel
SMS. 7.54. otherwise I will be forced 2 clean the fridge and maybe some ironing and that’s not something u want 2 be responsible 4! – Rachel

I stopped in Auburn Road – outside 25 – and sent sms’. The thought of Gina being at Tom’s hospital bed when the next sms arrived was just too delicious to pass up. (against my better judgement, as was proved to be correct)

SMS. 10.31. (Rachel and Tom) Comin down like a skanky, whore BITCH! Been slamin doors and phones! REALLY NOT NICE TODAY! – Christian
SMS. 10.32. Will u ever grow up? I am off 2 Malvern then Camberwell then St Kilda, if u need coffee by the water about 2 call me – Rachel
SMS. 10.33. So, I’m off to mums. Let’s hope she doesn’t say the wrong thing – Christian
SMS. 10.35. I might just do that. How’s 2ish sound? May be? – Christian
SMS. 10.40. Fab let me know about 1 – Rachel
SMS. 10.45. Hey Jude, Josh Gale wants to catch up with u before he leaves Saturday – Christian
SMS. 11.16. I am blind remember luv Tom with health – cb
SMS. 11.21. Yeah doll, I know ur eyes r fucked. But the thought of Gina reading the previous message to ya amused me – Christian
Tom called me after this, but I was too cross to be sympathetic and I railed at him before I hit end. The anger welled up in me all over again as I spoke to him.
SMS. 11.49. 2CV next 2 me! – Rachel
SMS. 12.46. I’m finished early where r u? Still up 4 coffee or should I go shopping – Rachel

I am telling you what I really think. I took drugs on Friday, I had a good time. I have no guilt nor do I feel the need for confrontation with anyone regarding it.
I feel like shit today, but, surprise, surprise. I’ve slammed doors and phones.
Thank you for your concern, but, really, I’m fine. Big smile.
I care about you too.
Do you want to go out dancing one night? Be bad? So we can lament about it the next day? We can use expressions that don’t really mean much like, gosh we were soooooo bad. I should have said, I was such a hot dancer last night, except I didn’t dance at the house warming, I stood and chatted to people all night.
I have absolutely no concerns regarding my drug habit. None.
I haven’t fucked anybody on drugs for years, quite possibly this entire millennium. I much prefer to have sex when I’m not on drugs. It works much better for me; bright eyes and enchanting smiles that I can see clearly before we kiss.
I like to get out of it and dance when I’m on drugs. Feel the music, disappear into my own space and groove on the riffs and the beat, which is probably what I was doing at Public Office. I connect quite successfully after that when I’m home having a cup of tea and a j.
I do think you are fantastic.
I do think you have a gorgeous laugh.

Well about fucking time!

I didn’t really understand Luke’s response, initially. I guess it means that he was just concerned for me all along.
I adore Luke. He is one of the nicest blokes I know. He is fantastic, fun, nice to be with. He does have a gorgeous laugh, hearty and infectious. But, I guess, I am not reading him right, hey? I thought I was being light and breezy, chatty, sharing with him what I was doing. It seemed like he was attacking me…attacking is too strong a word. It felt like, I guess, he was judging and deliberately picking a fight.
I guess I was wrong.

I took to my bed after this and didn’t come out, except for a couple of occasions. Tim told me what had been going on regarding Ab.

Josh came home around 10pm, but I just couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t talk to anyone. I was waiting for my furious side to calm down. It didn’t happen.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005


Two boyfriends doubled over

I got up at 7am and wrote for a few hours.
I picked Manny up at 11am and took him to the Prahran clinic. He’d done his back and was bent over, nearly in double like an old man.
I visited Tom while Manny was seeing the doctor and having a CT scan.
Manny and I had sex at Manny’ place, when I dropped him back... his back wasn't a problem.
I was home by 3pm. It was cold and wet. Apparently, Mark and Luke came to visit while I was out.
Josh was watching TV and reading.
I disappeared to my computer. Josh started to sing Christian songs, until I told him to shut up about that cunt. I think he may have got peeved when I told him not to whistle either.
Josh went to bed just as it was getting dark.

SMS. 15.23. Did u get Jill? – Rachel
SMS. 15.28. Hey, I can’t go, I didn’t realise I’m already booked. Mate from Berlin. Can we go next week? – Christian
SMS. 15.29. Sorry – Christian
SMS. 15.33. That’s fine! Shitty night 2 be going out anyway. How about in a fortnight?... the night b4 I get my puppy – Rachel
SMS. 15.37. Yes. What puppy? – Rachel
SMS. 15.44. Staffy – Rachel
SMS. 16.02. A nice blue staffy girl 2 be precise. No name chosen as yet any ideas? The kids say Tilly or Blu – Rachel
SMS. 16.06. Hmmmm? I’ll give it some thought – Christian

I think I would have got the same email from Luke, no matter what I had written to him. He seemed to want to waggle his finger at me, no matter what. He didn’t hit a nerve… I thought I was being funny and chatty in my last email. Oh well.

Struck a nerve have I??I wasn’t talking about Friday night fool. I was talking about your choices at the moment, but you’ve always been the queen of denial so I’m not surprised in the slightest by this response. A simple “thanks for the concern”, would’ve been enough. But no, once again you have to detach yourself from the fact that someone actually cares about you – how sad! You’re turning into a stereotype – and not a pretty one.

I think you’re fantastic!

Too gutless to tell me what you really think?

I think you have a gorgeous laugh.

I’m really bored with this now.
Walking away from every confrontation in life doesn’t make you the bigger man, it just makes you pointless.

SMS. 22.30. (Rachel) It all went pear-shaped. I went nowhere. Grrr! I’ve been in bed for ½ an hour – Christian
SMS. 22.34. (Rachel) Today, I did every t/lotto ticket that was available for this week. It cost $70. I soooooo don’t want 2 go back to work! – Christian

Monday, July 25, 2005

Melbourne Calling

Chriso! Great to hear from you! Just wanted to thank you for the email, and to say I will pen a longer (and hopefully as entertaining) reply to you during the week,
xxx Jeff

Bing awake at 6am. I don’t mind. It’s good to be up early. I’m a morning person, despite what anyone else may tell you.

Tom called and he was having dope bought to him from each corner of the city, as we spoke.

Manny called wanting me to pick him up and drive him to hospital. Hours in emergency didn’t sound like any fun at all. Besides, there is nothing they can do, they’ll just pat him on the head and send him home. So I didn’t answer the phone.

Mark called to chastise me about my drug taking. It’s not a problem when he wants to take drugs, just when anyone else wants to.

Tom says the two of them need more contact with the outside world.

SMS. 14.54. Dinner 2morrow? – Rachel
SMS. 15.10. Yes. Lovely – Christian

Completely mindless, that’s the reason lighting has to be dark in a club. It’s what clubs are for. But, Friday night was a house warming, so I had to connect with lots of people. On my toes, so to speak. Chat, chat, chat, blah, blah, blah. Good thing I didn’t have too much green. It was Beau’s house warming. I kind of knew quite a few people there, as they are the other club buddies I’ve been shooting up with. Ha, ha. Aren’t I funny? The two houses have been coming together to parté.
Pooh Bear for Life Coach that’s what I say.
We all need to play more and stop being so jolly gosh serious.
I’m on holidays!
Yay for me!

SMS. 15.53. Should we ask Jill? – Christian
SMS. 16.32. Prob, I will let u TRY 2 get Jill – Rachel

I was watching TV with Josh and the next thing I knew I was waking up on the couch alone. I looked at the clock and thought it said 5.3am, had all the usual thoughts about waking up like that and then proceeded to take myself off to bed. Just as I turned the last light out in the kitchen, I saw out of the corner of my eye, just before everything went black, that the microwave clock said 10.30pm. I had that momentary sensation of total and utter confusion, there in the dark, when what I believe swirled into something else. So, I put my computer on and typed up my Everything Changes journal.

Tim and Beau came home not long after. Beau’s so nice – sexy and smart. Can you get the double in one package?

Josh came home a little while after that with his fat Calabrian buddy with the massive cock. His fat, boring buddy who takes up more space than I would care t give him. And Josh gets that look on his face, a cross between a sixteen year old girl and someone who has really achieved something.

I ended up heading off to bed late.