TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM

Subject: morning

We’re coming down to Melb in September... I have a function to run one evening at the Aquarium (legionaries any one!!!) and a Board meeting the following day..... which nicely matches to i think a beyond party???

not that I'm the circuit type.... but I'll keep your email handy and try and remember to flick u a message closer to the date!

Brady Black

Subject: morning

(Brady)

Cool. Sounds good. Swimming with the sharks, hey? Sounds like time spent on the circuit...

Hope to see you then. It would be good to finally meet you, after all this time, after both of us having an association with two of the most important people in my life.

Christian

Subject: morning

Indeed!

Brady

Subject: dinner Friday

Hi Christian ...

I’m booking this afternoon for dinner on Friday night... would love for you to come along... It’s just Indian ... But I love it ... Would you like to join us?

Regards

Tim

Subject: dinner Friday

Tim

I just don't know what I'm doing, as yet. Can I just play it by ear and tag along, if I decide to. But I would like to see Silvia Romero... so, i guess, I will probably say yes in the end.

Does any of that make sense?

Christian

Subject: dinner Friday

Yep – that's fine – I'll book for you... I think I may indulge (but just a tiny bit) after dinner... as I don't want a big weekend... he he ehehe hehehehehehehehhe

Tim

Subject: dinner Friday

How many times have I heard that? Goodness me, heavens to Betsy, it's Monday. Woosh! Groan!

Christian

Subject: dinner Friday

Yeah..... Not too big... just a few drinks at home and perhaps one around the fire ---- How camp!!!

I loooove it!!

Tim

SMS. 15.14. Hello. Better late than never. Big smile – Christian

SMS. 15.14. Still great here! WooHoo! My trip is a 2 bed suite!! – Tom

SMS. 15.19. Where do u think u r? The Hyatt? I’m still putting all my energy into a nurse for u to fall in love with – Christian

SMS. 15.19. Well funny you should say that… and I meant the Port Douglas trip! – Tom

SMS. 15.20. I’m not specifying sex, just to keep u on your toes. He, he, he – Christian

SMS. 15.20. Nasty! – Tom

SMS. 15.51. That’s not true. But I guess u can picture what I’m ordering up for u? – Christian

SMS. 15.56. Or is that Nick? Hmmm, maybe I should revise my criteria? I certainly don’t want to be hankering after your boyfriend, now do I? – Christian

Subject: RECTUM DEODORANT

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container......... “TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

Jeff

I came across Jeff’s email address and thought that I should write and say hello. I’m bad enough as a friend, as it is, I know. So when I think, “Oh Jeff, I should write and say hello to him.” I should just do it, instead of putting it off and never doing it, like I always do. So I did.

SMS.18.50. Hello, how r u? – Kym

Subject: Melbourne Calling

Dear Jeff

I had a terrible disaster with my phone, I synchronised it to my Outlook, part of the process of downloading photos… mysteriously, I still think. What I didn’t expect it to do was to up-load my entire Outlook address book into my phone. And because I keep everyone’s names in my phone under first names, abbreviated often and first name and surname in Outlook, I ended up with two of everyone in my phone. No number recognition, no names… ah!

Anyway, my point is that I came across your email address and I thought I should say hello. After all, how long have you been up there?

So how’s Queensland? I reckon it would be too hot for me. If I was constantly on holiday, maybe. Independently wealthy, stinking rich…I guess I’d be somewhere else entirely, if that were the case.

The only real trouble with Queensland is Queenslanders. Strange bunch. Kind of small-town mentality, can’t bear to feel like they’ve had one put over them. (Like any of us can? Perhaps, they are just more whiney about it) And made fools of so easily. I used to treat it as a sport when I dealt with the Queensland office. But ultimately, it was unfulfilling. I know, too easy.

My favourite Queensland quote recently, came from my housemate Tim. When he was in Brisbane, someone said to him, So you’re from south of the border, are you?

Fuck no, I’m two borders south of you mate and don’t you forget it.

I liked it. Must use it.

It’s freezing down here, if that’s any consolation.

They are digging up the Bourke Street mall for the millionth time.

They are pulling down the Flinder’s Street overpass, over King Street, so there are trams doing odd things all over the city. Turning corners they were never meant to turn.

Moomba’s been cancelled.

Rose Porteous has moved to Toorak.

Steve Vizard is going to jail for insider trading.

The sexually repressed, no doubt quasi-religious types, are coming out against Big Brother Uncut.

Well, they’re all my favourite pieces of news.

John Howard was assassinated at 3pm this afternoon, by a single shot, to the temple… (strangely, no blood oozed out) Police interviewed the sniper, before releasing him... with a pat on the back... maybe.

One can dream. Maybe, part of his forehead wrapped around Janette’s face, sticky side first.

Speaking of which, Mark dropped a tree on himself, yesterday. Apparently, it fell the wrong way and when Mark tried to run he slipped and ended up face-first in the mud. So all he could hear was it cracking and falling, behind him, as he attempted to scramble out. (With his eyes shut, if he was me.) Luke called me with the opening line, Now there’s nothing to get stressed about. I was having a crap EOY kind of day, so I was already stressed, I didn’t catch-up until he said hospital. (I know, very Edina of me) (Sweetie) Luke had to drive Mark to Epping Hospital – I was surprise there was a hospital in Epping. But then it was explained to me that the knife toll from the girl’s shops, at the mall, would be horrendous enough – because Mark had let his ambulance cover lapse. In the end, hours later, he had to have his elbow stitched, nothing broken, as he suspected. So that was lucky, huh.

Luke said it was an eye-opener waiting in casualty in Epping, for hours. But a few cute doctors to purve on, so it couldn’t have been all bad.

Tom’s de B is having a bone marrow transplant tomorrow. He’s had chemo and radiation treatment all week in preparation. Donor from mid-west America, which I thought was a distinct problem, but, apparently, nobody else did. Tom was coughing furiously, the other day, when he was finished he looked up and smiled. “I should have my donor killed, I need his lungs, as well.”

Anyway, my second j is starting to kick in, so I’m going. The screens going fuzzy. My head is spinning, just nicely.

So, I guess, this is greetings from Mexico.

I could tell you that I was sending this from a lap-top in Degraves Street, while sipping on fabulous coffee, as the sun gently bathes me, but that is patently not true. But, if you close your eyes, I bet you can smell the coffee.

So there you go, I’m off.

I hope life’s good.

Life’s good here.

Christian

SMS. 20.18. Stoned. Et vous? – Christian

I spoke to Tom. He was incoherent on drugs and was being looked at and laughed at by Craig and Mark W, who were in visiting him, because he was making so little sense.

Bombs went off on the London Tube, six of them, or perhaps nine. Of course, it’s on all the channels, 2, 7 and 9 have cancelled all programs, CNN-style news coverage, every one of them.

This is what shits me. It should be just news, on the late night news, if you like. Why do we have to become engulfed in the world's pain, stirred up simply to sell newspapers, or further political careers.

Yes, it’s a terrible thing, shock, horror. But, in all reality, it’s not going to change my life. Let the people involved get on and fix it and stop living in this state of global fear.

Let’s have less of the global psycho drama thanks.

Maybe if we stopped highlighting terrorists and their causes, perhaps there would be less of them and ultimately, less attacks, less publicity.

SMS. 21.16. Alarmingly sober unfortun8ly but on the plus side, I’m not pregnant – Kym

SMS. 22.05. Not pregnant? – Christian

Tom rang back and he had markedly sober up and was much more lucid. He said to Ab that no sooner had she vacuumed her carpet that we were doing lines off it. I asked him what she said and apparently she said she trusted her intuition.

I asked him, why he would say that to Ab. He asked me, if I cared what Ab thought.

Tim said she never vacuumed the carpet.

Tim tells me that he is going to do one pill in celebration of tomorrow night’s dinner.

I thought that Ab moved out of here owing me six hundred dollars in rent. She didn’t pay her share of the Teslstra bill, despite me leaving it on the bench, several times. And now our mobile/STD calls have been cut-off because she hasn’t paid that bill. I say she slithered out of here and moved in with Rob because she needed him to subsidise her life for her. She just used Tim as an excuse. But I didn’t say that, if I have learnt anything, it is to keep those sorts of thoughts to myself.

I told Tom to tell Ab that Est X. has closed down. They were kicked out because they couldn’t pay the rent. That was far more delicious.

SMS. 22.22. Yeah, was 3 weeks L8 & had a 2 week stomach thing @ same tym. Got my period but still felt sick @ th@ happened with Max so…but think (hope) it was gastro – Kym

SMS. 22.08. You email address didn’t work? – Christian

SMS. 22.36. templetonshelley@yahoo.com.au – Shel

I chatted to Jill. She’s off to Brisbane tomorrow.

I guess I’ll hear from Leah tomorrow. London, bombs, global grief, blah, blah, blah.

SMS. 23.31. Do u have a phone # 4 Nicola & Fergus? – Rachel

SMS. 23.36. U know, I could just about think of it if I put my mind to it. Wait till I have a j for luck – Christian

SMS. 23.36. U idiot! R u watching the news? I am in a flashback when they mention all those Tube stations – Rachel

SMS. 23.41. Who cares? It’s not going to change my life! Smoke more pot, that’s what I say. Less of the global psycho drama, that’s what I also say – Christian

SMS. 23.41. U r sad bastard! Just as well u have friends that LOVE u! – Rachel

SMS. 23.46. All infected with the CNN virus. America has a lot to answer for! – Christian

SMS. 23.49. It makes great TV – Christian

SMS. 23.49. Don’t u hate the fuel this gives fucking Bush? U can bet he’s got a big ol’ smile on his fat Texan face! It makes so many people so much money! – Rachel

SMS. 23.51. He caused it! You throw bombs, people throw them back – Christian

SMS. 23.52. He just didn’t read the blood rule book. American, male & Texan. What hope does the world have? – Rachel

SMS. 23.55. None – Christian

SMS. 23.55. Pass me that j will ya luv? – Rachel

SMS. 23.57. nite – Christian

SMS. 23.57. xxx – Rachel