Monday, February 28, 2005

Crisp, cool night air

I met Jude at the Playhouse, to see Cyrano De Bergerac, with David Wenham, whose a bit of all right, hey? The play was good, entertaining, worth seeing. Good set and funny.

Jude and I walked home through Fed Square, where I bought a giant slurpee and Jude bought cigarettes and an ice-cream. We walked up Flinders Street, dripping everywhere. We cut through the Treasury Gardens, stopping to look at the bronzes of Premiers past, in the cool night air. I like them and I often stop to have a chat. Dunstan is still my favourite, I like patting him on the arse, it gives me a certain perverse pleasure. I don’t think I told Jude that.
I’m still not quite sure how Caine got a bronze statue? I mean, i do know, due to a technicality, something about Joan's time as Premier. I just don't know how that really works. It shouldn't work.

On to The Fitzroy Gardens, with the giant Elms watching overhead like sentries, all the way home.

Tom was home with Aby when we got there.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Busy, busy, dashing from the country to the city

The naming day was a big deal, for Jay, all of the family were there, from all bogun sides, as well. Queens with dogs and tweaked lesbians, on there way home back to sanity, after a night out. All were represented. I had no idea who most of them were. Some of them were frightening.
It had a celebrant and readings and blessings and eulogies and goodness knows what else. Jesus! Really? Luke, and I, were lucky enough to get there for the final claps followed by a lovely rendition of happy birthday, followed by food, so you can understand how pleased I was with that.
There was jelly slice and chocolate crackles and honey drops and fairy bread. Yum! Yum! Yum! I made a pig of myself, you can be sure of that.
Then we sat around in the gorgeous sunshine (in the mosquito ridden) confines of the beautiful St Kilda gardens and chatted until it was time to retire home for a few j's and some pizza.

Luke and I were late because of guests this morning.
The wedding was for country folk and apart from Limp Bizquet at breakfast this morning and more food squashed into the floor than I've ever seen before, they were okay, I guess. One of the guests got Luke to arch up, towards the, shall we say, more emotional end of the night, which is not a feat often performed. Luke never loses his cool. So I guess they'd get no gold elephant seal, even if the broyde did say that we maoide all her fantasies com true.
Ab and I entertained ourselves by slashing the guests from time to time. And by saying naughty things. The woofers laughed. The guests mostly didn't get it.
The two young, Dutch, blonde woofers are hot. There were a couple of smashed young gals at the wedding, who would have given it up to both of them, but in true young straight boy style, they both got drunk and collapsed into bed alone.

Now, I'm polishing off the last j and I'm going to bed.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Hung Over


I woke up in bed with my shirt on and the doona pulled up around my ears. Yay! Er! Dressed, lying where I fell. Lovely. It paints a pretty picture, now doesn't it. Gorgeous I haven’t done that for such a long time. I can’t remember how long ago? Dry mouth, croaky throat, my undies stuck up the crack in my arse. Stiff neck, back and legs. Foggy head, really lucky if it doesn't ache. I don't usually get the head ache thing, but usually I drink lots of water before I go out to it. Last night I drank no water. I barely got up the fucking stairs to my room. It was all spinning, it was all going wup wup wup wup. Don't spin too fast, don't change direction too quickly, don't move your head so fast. Not so fast. Not so fast.

Oh, what time is it?

SMS. 7.36. In bed with a Burmese snuggled under each armpit, heads on my shoulder purring. In trouble 4 txting u last night and ignoring… – Rachel
SMS. 7.39. Andre! Bloody men! Off to work I go tra la la la la! – Rachel
SMS. 7.45. Ah, bloody men! I got soooo drunk last night that at the end when I just went out 4 air, I just had to walk away – christian
SMS. 7.45. That’s ugly – Rachel
SMS. 7.46. Have a can of coke. That’s my hangover remedy – Rachel
SMS. 7.54. Left before I got ugly. Woke up in bed with my shirt on. Feeling okay, a little shaky. Got to drive to Bolago 4 a wedding now – christian
SMS. 7.57. Didn’t smoke tho – christian

I played on gaydar for a while and talked to PJ Mark.

SMS. 8.44. (PJ Mark) I’ve run out of messages, come over – christian

I thought Luke said to me that it was a lunch time wedding for forty people, so I had to get going. No staying home to play with PJ Mark.

I was on the road by 9.15am.

SMS. 9.32. Proud of u! So is Chrissie! (Rachel’s next door neighbour) – Rachel
SMS. 10.03. Just turned the phone on! – PJ Mark
SMS. 10.05. Grrr! Soon, huh? – christian

I don't hate you. I will never hate you. But I will ache with grief every single day of my life, if you die.
And if we both live until we're one hundred, I will never think you as hopeless... maybe, a drug addict.

of course i know you don’t hate me sweet man J

Friday, February 25, 2005

Birthday Dinner

I should have gone jogging last night. Lazy! That’s all it was. My fat-arsed laziness. I loved jogging when I was in Sydney, although, I have to say, that the harbour does, somewhat, inspire one.

I was eating just vegetables and fruit…and I’d stopped smoking… for two days, if I remember rightly, but stopped, none the less.

I’ve got to try not to smoke any dope this weekend, at Hesket. I’m setting myself an unachievable goal, but good as a guide, not to smoke anything for six months. That’s August!

Got to get past the ten days, that I’ve managed last year and the year before.

I still haven’t substituted any food for fags, it’s been good, somehow I’ve managed the withdrawal feelings without relating them to hunger. I guess it’s the place you get to after so many attempts to quit.

It’s been my usual salads for lunch and sushi all the way for dinner. In fact, dare I say it, I’ve eaten not muffins, or the like, at all, so in that sense, I’ve eaten less.

8am, I must get myself off to work.

You didn't arrive, miss. How curious? Although, I did disappear off to my bed early for some solitude to find my calm, non-nicotine happy place.

Good morning, good morning and another beautiful day is dawning!

Now I'm beginning to wonder. After why you said that you were coming over to my place last night and not a word so far today. Has to make me wonder?

Dont even ask

I see.

Now, what was this about sending you an email, big boy?

Christian can i fax the documents to u @ work?
Hope u are well

I'm okay. Given up smoking for 6 days. Nearly beginning to feel human again. Big test tonight, going out for a friend's fortieth. Might just have to get drunk to cope.
Hope you're well too?

Put the patches on in that environment!
Have fun
Am OK!
Life ok?
U ?

SMS. 14.48. Tapas Tuesday? How’s the non-smoking going? Need dope when I c u next. Just a little bit – Rachel
SMS. 15.27. Okay Tuesday. Big test tonight, going out with my smoking buddies. I haven’t got any pot – christian
SMS.15.34. Get some! – Rachel
SMS. 15.41. See what I have to deal with on a daily basis! – christian

Manny called me at 16.50 and started talking about the seven hundred dollars again, except now it was six hundred dollars. Apparently, Mark had changed his mind and now wanted the money before the weekend. We went through this on Tuesday; I thought I’d made it clear, in a nice way, that I didn’t want to lend him the money. 

I was rushing to get stuff finished for Gina, in HR and Manny was pushing me saying that he’d come in and meet me – and I was determined to get home and go for a bike ride; don’t want to get fat.

So I agreed. I was distracted and wasn’t thinking it through.

As I was walking up Bourke Street, I began to think about the money and the fact Manny would have it in five days and that I was doing this simply for the convenience of the awful Mark…and I smelt a rat. He had said a couple of times during the discussions that I shouldn’t ask questions.

I wondered if when the time came to pay it back, Manny would say that he bought his lounge suit and that he’d pay it off…”I reckon I’d have it paid off definitely by the end of the year.” He’s already got fifteen hundred dollars out of me.

I don’t want to be his banking service to tide him over every time he’s short and he’s going to be short a lot in the future, now that he isn’t working. I have to nip this in the bud.

Michael and Greg have both said no!

I thought about what my mother so often says, that all of us don’t push ourselves forward, that we are all a bit wishy-washy when it comes to saying what we mean and stating out case.

I decided that it was going to be no. I was sorry that Manny was coming all the way into the city when I’d said that I would lend him the money, but now I’d had time to think about it, the bottom line was that I didn’t feel comfortable lending him the money and I had to say no.

So I waited at the designated place, cnr of Bourke and Elizabeth at 17.30, at the designated time. No Manny. I watched the trams come and go. No Manny. I contemplated just leaving, as I definitely wanted to go for a bike ride before Sebastian’s birthday. No Manny.

And then there he was coming across the crossing waving his arms in the air. “Where were you, I went to surprise you at work, blah, blah, blah…”

I thought, I’m waiting at the designated place at the designated time and still I’m being told… I decided there and then that I had to extricate myself from this relationship. And there I had it, I needed to be with someone who would understand what I meant if I said that I needed to extricate myself from them. I had a funny thought that I could make Manny think that I was saying something dirty if I said I wanted to extricate myself. I could turn him on by saying I wanted to leave him. Suddenly, I so wanted to be any where else but…

He asked me if I was joking when I said that I didn’t want to give him the money. And then with that idiot expression on his face, he said he wanted to go when he realised that I wasn’t.

Why did you say you would then?

I kept walking without looking back. I wanted to go for a bike ride. I wanted to go to Sebastian’s birthday. I didn’t want to give Manny the money. Every thing was working out just fine.

I went for a bike ride. I was back by 7pm’ish.

Shane had said 8-8.30, so I left just before 8, thinking it would take me half an hour to walk. It took me fifteen. I bought some Ruskis on the way and drank two as I sauntered down Victoria Parade, past the pubs I never see and past the Porsche dealership with phone numbers instead of price tags in the windows of the cars.

I got to the restaurant at 20.05 and nobody was there. I stood outside until 20.15 and then went inside and sat at the big table on my own, so I called Mark and sms’d Rachel.

SMS. 20.25. Do u believe I’m at dinner and I was half an hour late and nobody else is here? Fucken poofters! – christian
SMS. 20.27. They were on time decided you’d stood them up and went elsewhere. Serve u right 4 being late. I am enjoying pizza and wine – Rachel

Mark said he had eighteen for dinner and couldn’t really talk.

SMS. 20.32. I’m sitting at a huge table on my own! It’s supposed to be a birthday party? Poofs will chic themselves into not arriving at all, if they are not careful – christian

SMS. 20.34. Fuck them they’ve stood u up darls. Me? I plan on drinking far too much and eating hideously fattening desert. He, he, he – Rachel

Con arrived first, so he and I sat together and laughed about all the other slags. Con’s quit smoking for a year and a half.

We drank Con’s red wine and waited for everyone else to arrive, late.

Shane and Mark W were the next to arrive.

Finally, they all fucken arrived, how late? Almost two hours. I don't know. I think they think it is cool. What do they call it, Queen time. Yeah, well good on 'em. Con and I weren't exactly pleased, you know.

SMS. 21.06. DO NOT PARTAKE of any cigarettes offered and certainly Don’t pinch any! – Rachel
SMS. 21.08. Joints? – christian
SMS. 21.07. Of course u idiot! – Rachel
SMS. 21.09. Goodio – christian
SMS. 21.09. Enjoy luvvy! – Rachel
SMS. 21.12. The bitches finally turned up. I foget, gay time add an hour – christian
SMS. 21.18. Fucking poofs! – Rachel
SMS. 21.20. I hear ya! – christian
SMS. 21.22. 2 much cock 4 their own good…oops think I might b jealous! – Rachel
SMS. 21.25. I’ve had ruski, red wine, vodka and saki and no food. Hick! – christian
SMS. 21.27. Glad I won’t b smelling your morning breath darls! Your friends must b totally boring 4 u 2 still b txting me! – Rachel
SMS. 21.32. No, I’m multi-tasking with aplomb – christian
SMS. 21.41. Gold star – Rachel
SMS. 21.55. Fuck me I’m pissed! – Rachel
SMS. 21.56. I really am 2 tired 2 fuck anyone darling, sorry xxx – Rachel

Don’t hate me because i;m hopeless!
I didn't get the frankie tix because I was rooting in the sauna…
was great J

Of course, all of the food was suggested by Sebastian. It's his "thing" lovely. We all ate well. We were loud and unruly and messy. Everyone was messy, messy on alcohol.
In the end, I was out with the smokers getting some fresh air in a vain hope of counteracting the saki and vodka and sobering up a little. Ha! I was so smashed.

Tom O’Grady left and then curiously Mark Windsor left. And then whoever I was talking to went inside and left me outside on my own with a clear view of Victoria Street and home, at an odd angle, to be sure. I was standing up straight? That was a question and not a statement. And suddenly I was thinking if I didn’t start for home, there and then, I may never be able to so so.

So I just walked away. Concentrating, hard. One foot in front of the other. No, no, don't get in my way. If I just continue in a forward motion, I should be fine, should get the job done. Everything was on blur, let me tell you. Just pick the clearest image and head for it. The little men turned green on queue as I approached Hoddle Street and so I weaved across and was on the home stretch on the other side in the middle of the boulevard just like that. Thank the universe. And then I just leant the way I wanted to go, much like a bike, or water skis and off I went. Two steps forward... mostly two steps forward.

And then I was suddenly at my front door and then I was closing the door behind me and I'd done it and it seemed kind of easy. I was in bed before they were texting me to find out what had happened to me. I could hardly see my phone. J

SMS. 23.36. You’re in Kansas doll xxx lovely to see you – Julien
SMS. 23.39. (D) Completely possessed! – christian
SMS. 23.40. Don’t go to bed – D
SMS. 23.40. (D) Absolutely fucked! – christian
SMS. 23.44. (D) Pissed off my fuckin brian! – christian
SMS. 23.45. Yaba yaba – christian
SMS. 23.46. Yabba Dabba do doll! – Julien
SMS. 23.49. (Julien) Abba daba daba! – christian
SMS. 23.49. Go bam bam xxx are you safe? – Julien
SMS. 23.50. Whatever bitch. Bla bla bla… – D
SMS. 23.53. (D) Do da fuck fuck – christian

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I Was Up Early. This No Smoking Caper Changes My Sleep

I was up early. This no smoking caper changes my sleeping – it’s all natural, not a result of being poisoned. I sleep really lightly, but really soundly too. Light and airy, that’s what I’d call it, light and airy. Not thick and heavy, like a lump. There is tossing and turning involved, but it is the nicest tossing and turning that you can have.

SMS. 6.26. 29th April, 10.15 – christian

Hey Christian,
How’s it going?
Has the hag left you forever?
I had the worst ever after care shift yesterday – I was only there for 75 mins, and I won’t be going back for a while.
Almost fainting on the playground...
A child injured by a thrown wooden block, by the crippled ogre J no less...
And me, tipping a bottle of water over J's head to "cease the situation" with him screaming "you f***ing po**ta, you are going to hell" in front of 20 children...
A nightmare, Miss, a nightmare.
Bring on retirement!
I *did* have lovely dinner with Paul and Amy last night though - they are just lovely :)
If I'm swanning past the Market in the next couple of days, would you like me to buy you a Frankie Ticket for 40 bucks, for next Saturday night?
I might also have a ticket for Tina in an envelope that you can look after for us.
Hope your day is lovely Miss.

I rode over to my mum's for dinner. It was hot, i was stuffed by the time I got there. But it was lovely riding back, even if it was dark and I had no light.
What do you think about this, do you think I'd get bad karma. My brother's business is heading down the tubes and he wants mum to bail him out. She says she'll have to sell a house to do so. Now, remember I don't even like my brother, I told her that she'd just be p*ssing her money away by giving him more to throw into a failing business. Do you think it's bad karma for me just to be thinking about myself in this instance, remembering, I don't care if he starves, if he's lost all his money that's his problem, I reckon.

I think it's sound financial advice, to not throw money down a bottomless hole...
Not bad karma at all.
None of this no light night riding Christian - there are people like me on the roads!
Having said that, good on you for exercising!

95% of it was on a bike track, well removed from any cars.

You don't think it's bad karma that I don't want her to give my inheritance to my brother, even if he is in need?

It might be greedy, but it's also sound advice.
If a business is going to go bust, throwing money at it does not always helps, just destroys the money.
And it IS your share of the inheritance, though one might argue, not until your Mum had actually carked it...
Perhaps he can do a prodigal son number - she can tell him it comes out of his share of post-death distribution
Would that work for you?
Hey! Frankie tix or not?!

Yes, to the Frankie tixs, as long as it is Saturday week?

yes Saturday week miss
will prolly get em tonight, will bring em over sometime

They sacked me!
Thankfully, they will "pretend yesterday didnt happen" but I wont be going back for a couple of years.

I don't understand

work sacked me for tipping water over the cripples head

I'm soooo impressed I can't begin to tell you.
Big smile!

we are both lucky i didnt kick him
i could be getting myself in naughtyness tonight do u have to work tomorrow?

Of course I have to work tomorrow. No naughtiness for me tonight, I'm afraid.

yeah i know
prolly for me too
i'm just being naughty
are those yellow wheelie bins for recycling or bio-hazards?

recycling, miss!

i'm just being silly!

My mind boggled. I was picturing you out there with an armful of you-know-whats, furtively dumping your load before coming inside with an, attempted, some might say simpering, look on your face.
Oh yes, I could picture it all.
But you were just being silly, what a relief.

No simpering.
But I will come over tonight to drop off some stuff for next sat to keep us lively.


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

From Nice To Vile In A Blink Of An Eye

Completely loony. Lost my mind BIG TIME. Day 4 of not smoking. AHHHH!!! When will this interminable, low-level bone-grind ever stop? Must do some exercise. Must do something.

Manny dropped in last night when I was going to go bike riding... so I went riding anyway, just not in the way I had envisaged, a short time previously. A Greek boy's arse is a good substitute for two wheels.

Mum's tonight... hope she doesn't shit me! Want to go jogging when I get back from her place. I think exercise is the only thing that will break this, addiction breaking, down to manageable.

I can go from nice to vile in a blink of an eye, without warning, faster than a speeding bullet, more devastating than that tsunami. I have taken myself off to bed and out of everybody's way each night this week. I think it's better than savaging someone unnecessarily. It’s better than apologising.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Too much angst

Rachel wanted to have dinner. I just couldn’t do it, ah! I have to exercise, I have to move, I have to run, I have to... have to? I have to think of me, my struggle, for once. I haven’t substituted any food for cigarettes, which is good. Pat on the back. Pat pat. So, now I have to try and bump up my metabolism.

I’m going to hate being fat and forty, if I don’t.

And I think the angst that I’m feeling would be lessened if I pushed myself physically, used energy.

I’m sorry, I just can’t come out and play, I have addictions to break. See you in a year, ha, ha.