Thursday, April 30, 2009

The nurse says I'm wonderful

Mum's nurse told her that I was a wonderful son for the way I was looking after her.
It's amazing how your opinion of someone can just change like that. Ha, ha. God I'm cheap, completely turned around with a little praise.

Of course, the fun game of antagonising the nurse may have to stop now. Oh, not that I was really antagonising her ever, I just didn't want her to be telling me what to do all the time. She is just supposed to be calling in to supervise my mothers pill taking. Five minutes, in an out. The habit she had of leaving messages on my answering machine with the latest instructions for me seems to have stopped.
And she thinks I'm wonderful. Well, every second day I'm over there. Fuck, I'm not easily won over, hey?

I guess I've said this before, to watch my university educated, world travelled mother not being able to think of the words to construct a sentence, it's too much, it breaks my heart. There is nothing wonderful about what I am doing, she is my mother.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

All sick of something

It's amazing for two boys who are "allegedly" lactose intolerant, how much of my milk was drunk while I was away in the country. Not that I care - I know it sounds like I do, but I don't really - drink what you like, I say. But they make such a point of it. Sad face. "Oh no, I can't drink that." Rub tummy. Big eyes. Actually, David is on some blood type diet which disallows milk for his blood type. For me too, we're the same blood type.
Can you be lactose intolerant only when you have to buy the milk?
Wheat, Glutton, seeds, pollen, nuts and now, I hear, fruit and vegetables... if you haven't got an allergy you are simply not a child of the 21st Century.
Whenever I hear of someone with a nut allergy, I just want to slip a peanut in their food. Their tongues swell up and turn blue, fill their mouths, like some demented Chow dog. It would be fascinating to watch. Ha, ha.
We all seem to be intolerant to something? More and more intolerant every day.
You know, I like the metaphor, it's for life. We're all becoming generally more and more intolerant. It's true. The clever, modern, super slick, smarty pants society is making us all sick - inside and out.
Is this the planet retaliating for us not looking after it, do you think?
You know, it would only be a millennium and the planet would wipe any trace of us from it's surface, that's how clever we really are.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The bitch nurse

Arrived from Bolago to mums about 10.30. The bitch nurse was still there, so I drove right on passed. Then I waited down the road, like a child, spying from behind another parked car, until she left. I was frightened about getting told off about the potential lack of the food in the house, as we didn't go shopping Friday, mum had her lunch, Saturday, as my sister was coming, and then yesterday I stayed at Bolago, instead of taking her shopping.
I’d had a dream about the nurse chastising me, as I felt guilty about not seeing her Monday.
Pathetic, I know. I kept thinking what Jill would have said as I waited for the little white car to leave.
You should embrace my nurse, says Jill. You should be thankful that someone is taking an interest in your mother.
Oh, if it hadn't been for the time gap in the shopping and the possible lack of food in the cupboards, I would have walked straight in there. I want to meet her, we haven’t met yet and talk to her, otherwise it will become this thing, way bigger than it actually is.

Guilt over nothing too, I thought afterwards. Lottie can go to the supermarket and get food for herself, if she wants.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Chicks and 4WDs

I see a lot of some where around forty, often peroxide blonde women driving 4WDs. Are these chicks so scared of life, they need tanks to drive around in to keep them safe?

It's interesting that I heard someone making the point recently that the 4WD is the midlife crisis car for women, like the red sports car is for men. It represents safety and it plays into all the fear factors that society portrays. Sensationalist headlines to sell newspapers. "War on whatever is current," govt line to convince society that politicians are, actually, doing something. Keep them fearful so manufacturing can sell more products, which of course, girls fall for more than boys. The fear thing.

The 4WD also represents everything their husbands and marriages are not; big, strong, faithful, enjoyable, dependable, built to last.

What is that? The equivelent of? You know man, sports car. A small cunt? No, small tits, I guess.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The more stuff mantra for living

I'm lying in bed gazing out at the gum trees waving in the breeze, the endless forest before me, the bracken, the undergrowth, many diferent shades of green, beside the steal gray, gravel driveway snaking through.
It's funny that I think about the city, only once I'm resting in the country. Ah, to be human is a contradiction all of its very own.

You know, I think the world financial crisis could be a positive thing. Maybe we'll all learn to live with less and then there will be more to go around, for all the planet's children. I think we are all conned into believing that we are all much wealthier, we need to acquire more and more stuff to make us happy. And, I think, for the most part it is a con. The more stuff mantra for living only, really, benefits politicians and leaders of business, to further their political careers and to make them even richer than they were before. I, actually, think that the more stuff you have, the more unhappy it makes you, maintaining that stuff - paying your bigger mortgage, paying your bigger credit card balance, paying all of your debt. You work harder and harder to maintain your empire and you work harder and harder to then acquire even more stuff than you had before. Nicely keeping society subdued, burried, with less time to think about about anything beyond the "normal paradigm."

One question Mr Politician, If we are all wealthier than we have ever been, why is persoanl debt at record levels?

It was just a thought, as I lay back in my big, comfy bed watching the majestic gum trees stretching skywards, waving their leaves in the fresh country breezes, towards the over cast sky, as the rain falls. The browns, the greens and the greys are deeper with the wet sheen covering them. I pull the blankets up, as the light blushes golden in my room.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Beginning of time

I've been reading Richard Dawkins

I don't like it

Since my writing has come to a halt, like the free lunch, or the water flow in the Murray, I've found I've been experiencing a new emotion. I've been wandering the house, feeling unsettled, fiddling with pens, trying to read, walking, heading out into the garden, heading back in, standing, staring, sweeping, cleaning, stopping, looking. Not even the contemplation of the destruction of the earth has distracted me. My, my, my, I thought yesterday, is this boredom? OMG! (shake head in disbelief) Well, if it is, I don't like it, let me tell you.
Is this what the dumbos talk about?
I've had such thoughts of, what am I going to do today? Oh, it's only 5pm - no daylight savings plays havoc with perception. The days going slow. I've got nothing to do? But the real kicker was the last couple of days, I've been thinking about what it would be like to go back to work. Ah!
Where do I sign up for therapy?
I think I have to take up smoking again. No, not cigarettes, but, as we all know, that's what it leads to. Kill me? At this point, all I can say is, good!

Where before - read with a little mary-jane - I could take one word and lovingly turn it into a story for the afternoon, even if it turned out to be ordinary. It didn't really matter, that's what re-wrting is for. Now, the well is dry. I've got nothing. Zip. I don't like this at all.
Grumble, grumble, grumble! He stomps off to the kitchen looking for food.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Hair today...

I got my hair cut. Finally. I was going for that 60’s look, all I needed was flares and a fur-lined jacket. Maybe some beads and round glasses. It's funny how when you have time on your hands, you don't always do the things you need to do. I guess, it's the ability to endlessly put things off. Oh, there is always tomorrow.
The old hairdresser went back to Iran. Shame, as he was cute. Ah, them middle eastern boys.
The new hairdresser and I seem to have trouble understanding what length I want my hair. Short, apparently, has a myriad of connotations. To avoid a long and in depth discussion on the subject, as we have had with the last two haircuts, I said to him.
“I think a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on the top.”
“Last time, I think, I cut with scissors,” he said. “Is this a change that you now vant?”
“Oh, I don’t mind, scissors, clippers.” I said, casually. Smile. “I just used those measures as a guide for the length.”
He smiled nervously. I should have known then. He took the clippers in his hand and ran them right across the middle of my head, from my fringe to the back, as though he was scalping me. I thought to tap my hand on my pursed lips, wondering if he’d get the charade. I could suddenly see my shiny scalp.
It looked like a number 1 to me. It looks like a number 1 all over. Ah well, hair will grow, I thought, as I tried not to shake my head. Maybe, I can wear army camouflage for a while, it will make a sexy change.
How hard can it be? I ask you?
I'll know next time to say, “Number 2 sides, number 3 top, with scissors, please.” Big smile. Who would have thought it would be so hard?

I guess, there are many different versions of short, I should be fair to him, like, I guess, there are many different versions of, let's say, white. Hey? Or would that be many diferent versions of beige, just look around at the general public. You know, cast your eye around on a tram. Oh, public transport, suddenly I miss it, the freak show on the 86. I must go for a tram ride. Get up early and experince it at is cream, early morning rush hour.

How do you do it?

Apparently, X went out into the state forest and hanged himself from a tree. It's a boy's method, hey? He was found two days later. Imagine, the body just hanging there still and alone, turning blue, going stiff. A silent sentinel to trouble gone, or breath extinguished.
Day, night, day, night, his neck twists on the rope, as his skin drains of colour, as his eyes stare unblinking.
If a body hangs quietly in the forest and nobody sees it, does it really hang at all?
But, of course, someone did see it. Can you imagine being that person? I can't, I hope I never can.

Shane's back

Shane came home last night and we sat up until 3am drinking 2 bottles of red wine and smoking pot.

Back to smoking pot, Shane's first day back. Not a good sign.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Arvo with Lottie

Mum has gone to get her hair done. I’m waiting for her to call saying she’s finished, so I can go pick her up. Then we are off to buy “the lockable box” to keep the bitch nurse happy. We’ll get mum some socks, as the nurse wants them for her too. Apparently, mum doesn't own a pair of socks. Who’d have thought. Then we’ll go buy the ingredients for the bumble bees, yet a fucking again, thank you Lucy and we’ll make a new batch, for mum’s lunch on Friday.
I’m wondering if mum has called the nurse and told her she will be out this morning? I don’t really care, it’s the nurse’s problem. I don’t know why the nurse has pissed me off quite so much. And I know I’m being unreasonable, childish even, taking out my, what is sure to be, pent up anger at mum being sick on the nurse. Actually, quite possibly she is copping all my anger at feeling a bit like a failure, right at the moment, not being able to write – you know, this is what I wanted to do, thought I wanted to do and nothing’s happening.
I know, I’m feeling bored with my life, at the nothingness. David says I have to give myself a chance to get over the addictions I've quit. He says that may take a while longer, you know, to feel normal again. Maybe the nurse is copping all of my frustrations. Oh well, this morning I have decided antagonising the nurse is a great game to play.
She left a message saying she wants me to call her.
Not a chance sister, is all I can think.
I’m feeling very unsettled today. Nervous. Anxious. Out of sorts. I wish I felt well again. I seem to have felt like this ever since I quit cigarettes and pot. Maybe David is right. David says it takes time. I hope it’s soon.
Another buddy of mine who has also quit a daily pot habit says the doctor told her that it will take at least 3 months to get over it.
I also realise I have tinnitus.

I waited for an hour for mum, on the footpath at our meeting spot, after her hairdresser called at 2.15 to say she’d be there in an hour. The traffic was crap in the city, banked up and I certainly wanted to escape before peak hour. If I knew she was going to be so long, I could have gone and got all of the stuff I needed to get, then I could have picked her up, instead of waiting all day for her call. Why I gave her my home number and not my mobile, less to remember, she has particular trouble with numbers. But, she said at 8.30am when I spoke to her, that she’d only be a few hours, certainly ready by midday.
Here it was 4.15, I’d been waiting since 3.15.
I was leaving, had enough, heading to my car, not sure if I had got the information wrong, or if she’d left without me, if she was still in there. I was thinking, if she calls when I’m home she can just get on the tram. I looked back as I was heading to the car, one last time and there she was.
I stopped and watched her for a time, wondering if I’d leave without her. She looked old. Of course, I wouldn't, but I was pissed off and, I thought, it helped me cool down a little. Then I crossed the road and got her. I couldn't hide my anger, she copped it. Pissed off! We drove home in silence.
I threaten to leave her in Swanston Street, saying I was too pissed off.
Well, get yourself out of the bad mood, was her reply.
I harrumph at her.
The next thing, a little hand comes across the car full of cashews. “For you,” she says.
I don’t want any, I grumble, like a child. Her child, I guess.
We've got to go home and make the bumble bees, she says. You know that was such a ridiculous thing for her to say, after the harping she has done about them, only to let Lucy attempt to make them only to muck them up, so I had to repeat the whole fucking process. I nearly screamed.
We drop into the chemist in Burke Road to see if they have a locked box. They didn't. The say there is a Bunnings in Burwood Road. Lottie and I head over there.
“Why do we need this locked box?” Lottie asks.
So the nurse gets your pills from the chemist and then they are no longer delivered in a Webster pack. So the R. D. Nurses can administer your pills themselves. They need the box to lock all of your pills away from you, so you don’t over dose on them.
“What?” says Lottie. She makes those exasperated eyes, as if the world is mad. It’s vintage Lottie. “Ridiculous. For goodness sake. You don’t have to do everything the nurse tells you, you know.”
I laugh. Where do you think I get it from.
We get a box and go home.

Lottie is having a lunch Friday. It has consumed all of her thinking, to the point of distraction, for the last month. She has nearly driven me mad with the constant updates. You see, where once she would put on a spread, now it is up to me to do all the cooking, so the chatter about it has been constant and never ending.
The effort to find a Bumble Bee recipe has nearly bought me to insanity. You see, in the past Lottie had such things in her head and she’d just whip them up without a thought. But now the memory is failing, her several, read every time I have seen her in the last month, attempts to write a recipe down has amounted in 30 variations on the ingredients. Finally, a friend of hers sat down with all the variations and pulled one recipe together.
So, finally, I went and bought the ingredients, only to have Lottie give them to my niece to make, who promptly fucked it up.
So, after all the palaver, some how I have to go to the super market, yet again, to get the ingredients for the bumble bees.
“Well, you are not having the trifle then.”
“Oh yes,” says Lottie, looking at me with pleading cow eyes. “I need the trifle. I have to provide the desert.”
“What are the bumble bees for then?” I could hear my tone rising up an octave.
“Oh, they are just to have with a cup of tea, afterwards.”
“What!” Count to ten, Christian. Count to ten.
“Oh no, I need the trifle.”
“Okay!” I say. “Alright. If I can get pre-prepared jelly.” I knew I could get pre-prepared custard. The sherry was in the cupboard. This will be the most instant trifle you have ever seen.
“I’ll come,” says Lottie. “You’ll need me to sign for the ticket.” (she means credit card)
“No, give me your keycard, I’ll be quicker without you.”
I dash to the supermarket, get all the ingredients, whizz home.
“Here, you stand here,” I say to Lottie. I stand her next to me at the kitchen bench. “Chop the dates, the cashews and the raisins, here's the sultanas, the coconut and the condensed milk. I’ll construct the trifle.”
“I can use scissors for the dates, can’t I?”
“I guess,” I say.
At which point she pulls out the all-purpose, cut every thing scissors.
“You have cooking scissors, don’t you?”
“What?” says Lottie. She holds up the scissors, as if I’d asked to inspect them.
I open and close my mouth. Oh, who cares, I think.
I make the trifle, it’s huge. Lottie declares it a triumph with a clap of her hands. I whizz it into the fridge, disappointed the black current jelly and the strawberry jelly are the same shade of brown, so the colour variation wont be obvious. Lottie chops all the ingredients for the bumble bees. I mix them together. It bares no resemblance to the failed mixture Lucy made. I cook them in two lots. They come out of the oven looking like Lottie's snacks of old. I look at them sitting oblivious on the oven tray. It's been a journey, I think.
Lottie says she is sorry for upsetting me many times.
I say I’m sorry too. I give her a big hug. My father used to hug her all the time, I guess she must miss it. I've got to be nicer to her. I can’t get pissed off with her.
We eat pies.
I love my mum.
I leave around 7pm.

Two things...

I asked Shane how he is? (Recap, he's been staying on the central NSW coast with a friend, X, for a month) He replied, Oh good, except for the rather surprising thing X did the afternoon after I left.
What was that?
He killed himself.
Fuck me, that's pretty surprising. I laughed nervously.
He was a mess when I got there. I think I must have kept him going for an extra month, said Shane. No wonder he was angsty as I was departing. Shane laughed nervously.
Sometimes I think it's a brave thing, I said. I'm never really sure on that one. It is certainly taking control of your future, though.
Shane and David are now in Sydney together. Shane will be back tonight.

Mitchel may be making a return. He sent out an Easter message to, I assume, his phone book - which yes, is grounds for dumping him, sure, never the less - about which I made a comment to David (presently, driving his nieces canary yellow Mercedes around Sydney from sex on prem venue to sex on prem venue, high as a kite) Oh, he sent out a message to all his friends, forgetting to delete me from the list, I assume.
I cheekily replied, may all your eggs be big, sweet and plentiful. To which he replied, hey sausage, (cutesy pet name) good to hear from you. To which I replied, (fuck it, I thought. My usual aloof attitude is getting me no where) Do you want to go out for a drink sometime, to which I got the answer, Sure do! (Are you keeping up?)
So, how about that?
Which reminds me, I'd better call him and make it for tomorrow night.

one last thing...
I saw Dylan Moran last night, he was excellent. Very funny.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Feeling good, who'd have thought?

I settled into read a book on my balcony, Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion, around midday. Quite civilised, I thought. The sun was shining, the sky was blue, - my favourite topic, the stupidity of people who believe in god - it was just beautiful sitting there. Even a gentle breeze blew.
As I sat back on my chair, I could feel my stomach, not something I'm used to feeling, you know, kinda full. Since I've quit smoking - how long is it now, I think this is my fifth week - I've felt myself putting on weight. I mean, I'm not really sure what putting on weight feels like, exactly, but, I presume, that if I can feel my stomach, when I don't usually, that must be a fair indicator that I'm starting to expand.
Oh, I so wanted to sit back and put my feet up and get lost in my book. Enjoy the day, be lazy and gay. Ha, ha! But, my, I will say nagging, still small voice wouldn't quit.
You'll be sorry if you don't.
You'll regret this decision.
Prevention is better than cure.
Your metabolism is going to slow down with quitting the fags, you know exercise is the way to speed it up again.
Do you want to turn into a fat bastard!
Do you want to look in the mirror and have the only word that comes to mind being, hideous! (As David would say)

Ah, will you just shut the fuck up! I'm comfy, I thought. I adjusted my seat and turned the page.
Um, actually, no, I won't, said Conscience, not until you get off your fat arse and get on ya bike, soon to be a fat boy.
I can afford an hour, I thought, begrudgingly, with my still small voice shaking it's head and tutting, as it tapped its finger on the inside of my skull. Okay! Okay! I could be back here by 2pm. Easy, peasy.

Does anyone actually enjoy exercise? We enjoy the results, fitter, faster, leaner, more attractive, but does anyone actually enjoy the doing? Or is being obsessed with it the best we can hope for? I know I've been obsessed with it in the past and that obsession is a great motivator. I need to get obsessed with it again, because looking for the enjoyment in it just doesn't work.

So, I dragged my sorry arse out into the um, er, exquisite day. Yes, I know, hard as it sounds. Yes, I could hear the fucking violins too. Along the river, with the water sparkling. Around the bike path, with the spunks a jogging. Under the dappled light cast by the Elms. Through Studley Park, with the birds a twittering. I know, but someone has to do it. I know, I could be in Somalia. And back up through the delightful Victorian architecture of the inner suburbs to home.
Now, my rather long winded point is that when I was standing back on my front veranda fishing for my key in my bum bag, where usually I'd be heaving for breath, that last hill up to my front door would make sure of that, where my legs would normally feel like jelly, I actually wasn't gasping for breath and my legs didn't feel as though they were going to go out from under me.
I have to conclude, even after only five weeks of not smoking, I'm feeling considerably fitter after exercise than I ever have. Who'd have thought?
And today's the day to quit my bottle of wine with dinner habit. Enough is enough, I say to myself. I don't want to be shitting my liver out my arse in pieces anytime soon, hey?

Monday, April 20, 2009

Religious Groups At it Again

Family groups say racy, although fully clothed, photos of ex-Hi 5 Kellie Crawford, 34, sends the wrong messages to tens of thousands of little girls that were once her fans.

"There is no escaping the message she is sending to little girls, that posing in a men's magazine in a soft-porn style is something to aspire to," Women's Forum Australia spokeswoman told the Herald Sun.

It was with interest that I read this this morning. So, I went to the Woman's Forum Australia website, to see if this was a religious group. No mention of any religious affiliations on their website at all. Not one. So, I figured I must have got this wrong.
But then, surprise, surprise, after digging a little deeper, I found that Woman's Forum Australia is a conservative Christian Lobby Group.

You know, there is no problem with people having religion, but why don't they state this fact, rather than claim they are a family group? Whatever that means?

What is wrong with saying, This is against my religious beliefs? because that is the truth, isn't it? And leave it up to the public to judge you from there? Because the public don't care about people's religious ideas, and religious types know this, so they have to frame it in such away to say that it is bad for women's health, which is effectively what they are doing.

Personally, I think Kellie looks quite lovely in the photos. And she is 34 years old, a little bit too old to be spoken down to by women who think they know better. I think the message that Kellie is sending out to the world is that women should be proud of their bodies, that they are beautiful and confident.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Everybody likes to talk about being green.

I had afternoon tea in Carlton, on Thursday afternoon. Afterwards, I walked home, the sun was shining, it was a glorious day. As I walked down Faraday Street, I counted 14 black, BMW, Mercedes or Range Rover 4WDs. It isn't that far down Faraday Street to Nicholson Street, I stopped counting at 14. It made me think, we are never going to survive, as Carlton is one of those suburbs where the smart and socially aware, allegedly, live. Apart from the fact of the petrol consumption of these beasts, nobody needs a one hundred and something thousand dollar car when half the world is starving.

When I got home, just as it happened, there was a guy at the door selling a power company alternative to the one I use. The fact that he was a good looking, out going young man had nothing to do with it, I swear. When he told me how much cheaper per unit, good old fashioned brown coal power is compared to my green, renewable sourced power, I thought, fuck it, clearly, judging by the cars in Carlton, nobody else gives a toss, so why should I be paying a premium price for electricity and, nobody can explain to me quite why, gas, so I changed back.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

red wine

I'm drinking a bottle of red wine a night and not I'm not feeling pissed. I'm not sure if that is a good thing?
A new vice for an old vice, since quitting smoking. It seems fair.
Hick! I'm off to bed.

Comedy Festival

I went to see Mathew Kenneally - team outrage, those who have an agenda and newspapers to sell; team calm down, those of us who don't fall for it, who know the beat up, but who probably do nothing about it; team fear, those who fall for it, the pinch-faced bitches in the world who buy into the global psycho drama - social commentary, political satirist...very funny.
and Will Anderson - I love Will, he so speaks the truth about all the issues - how do comedians get it so right and politicians get it so wrong?
...last night at the comedy festival.
Two extremes, Mathew in a tiny theatrette with 20 people, Will in the sold out Comedy Theatre. They were both so funny, both so great. I'd recommend them both.
I think stand-up is my very favourite form of entertainment. Just a guy up on stage with his intelligence and humour as props. A friend of mine said they are the new rock stars of the world. I tend to agree.
Comedians should run the country, they so should.

Friday, April 17, 2009

The card shop

"Do you ever walk next to a good looking man in the street and pretend that he is your boyfriend?" asked Josh.
“Um?” I didn't know what to say.
"You know, just stroll casually next to him, as if you are together. Look at him, catch his eye and smile... if you get a chance." Josh smiled. "As if you have just agreed with something he has just said.”
I laughed, nervously.
“Gaze at his broad shoulders, the back of his neck. I so love the back of men’s necks.” Josh shook his head as if in wonder. “Fall into step. Admire his facial stubble. His gorgeous eyes. Wonder what his name is?"
I didn't say anything because I had, actually, pretended that very same thing, a couple of times. Day dreams. Childish, really.
Josh closed his eyes and hunched his shoulders and for a moment looked in total bliss.
"I stole looks at this guy, today,” said Josh. He opened his eyes. “We were in a shop together. The card shop on Brunswick Street. He looked at me sideways, kind of smiled. Gazed, momentarily. Beautiful eyes, you should have seen them.”
I’m a sucker for nice eyes, always have been.
“I saw what nice hands he had,” said Josh “Down by his side, his fingers half curled around. Man’s hands. Fleshy. Pink. I love men’s hands almost as much as I love the backs of their necks. Thick, masculine. Something of his that is mine.”
“Me too,” I said quietly. I can still feel each one of my boyfriend’s hands in mine, if I close my eyes and think of them.
“Then... I don’t know what came over me.”
“I don’t know why I did it.”
“Did what?”
Josh smiled, almost coyly. “I reached out and took hold of his hand.”
“Took hold of his hand?”
“Just like that.”
“You didn't.”
“I did.”
“Huh... wow.”
“He was just standing next to me looking at the cards and I slid my hand into his.”
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.”
“What did he do?” I asked with a certain amount of blossoming admiration.
“He went to pull it away, kind of surprised, you know. But I took hold of his fingers in mine, gently. Held them. His hand was warm, smooth, it felt tender. Soft and hard at the same time.”
“What did he do?” I asked.
“He looked at me... and then down at our hands and then back at me.” Josh smiled, screwed his lip and exhaled through his nose, as if he was holding the thought. “Then his mouth, slowly, broke into the most gorgeous smile and he just held my gaze.” Josh shook his head, smiling. “Silent. Still, as people moved around us in the shop. Our secret.” Josh closed his eyes, momentarily. “We just stood there, holding hands, I’m not sure for how long.”
“You’re shitting me,” I said.
“I didn't want to move,” said Josh. “I didn't want reality to coming crashing back and spoil it. For him to pull his hand away and run.”
“Then he looked back at the cards, as natural as you like. He squeezed my hand, as if he wasn't going to let go. He took a card from the racks with his other hand, flipped it open and read what was inside...”
“Just like that?”
“Then he pushed the card in my direction and said, I think I like this one, big smile, what do you think?”
“Still holding hands?”
“Still holding hands,” said Josh. “My heart melted when he asked for my opinion.”
“Pretty cute,” I said.
“Pretty fucking adorable,” said Josh. “The card was for his nephew, he is turning ten. I told him I liked it... We’re having dinner. His name is Michael.”
“Pretty damn cute, yourself,” I said.
“He’s a Cancerian, a physiotherapist, he’s 33,” said Josh. “We talked all afternoon, over coffee.” Josh smiled again. “I think I’m in love.”
“In love?”
“Well.” Josh shrugged. “I could... be. He’s nice, normal. So normal. And he seems to like me.”

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I've been drawing this image since I first learnt how to draw it in one pen movement some where in late primary school. It was one of those childish tests from my childhood, which some how managed to stay with me. I've drawn it on all of my journals, papers, stories, writing books, even uni notes - you know, when I was bored, or confused. I've drawn it on every thing. It's kind of my own personalised doodle - there it is scrawled all over my history.
It never occurred to me to draw it electronically, until today.
I think it's cool.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Monday, April 13, 2009


In the middle of the country, they came to a fork in the road and they realised they were hopelessly lost. They spotted a medicine man sitting crossed leg up on the mesa, smoking, what looked like, a peace pipe.
“Um, we seem to be lost,” said Nate, hesitantly.
“We’re wondering which way to go?” asked Josh.
“Take the one to the right,” the medicine man said.
“Does it go to Paradise?” asked Nate.
“I don’t know but the other one has quicksand. See the tops of those three cars there, they were the priest, the property developer and the lawyer. They all took the wrong path.”
He looked over in that direction.
“The priest wanted to change the beliefs of the people for his own gain.”
The medicine man’s eyes moved to the next car.
“The property developer wanted to change the living conditions of the people.” The medicine man raised his eyebrows. “And not for the better… but, for his own gain.”
The medicine man’s eyes moved to the next car.
“The lawyer wanted to change the personal responsibility of the people.” The medicine man shook his head. “Again, for his own agenda.”
The medicine man looked back to Josh and Nate.
“Choose wisely,” he said. “Think, why do you want to come…” The medicine man cleared his throat. “Go, to Paradise?”
Josh scratched his head and looked at Nate. What does it all mean, he thought? Nate raised his eyebrows as if in a question. What to do?
“You two seem like nice boys.” The medicine man looked from Josh to Nate and then back again. “In love?”
Josh looked at Nate and smiled. He looked back to the medicine man. “Yes.”
“Good,” said the medicine man. “Love is real.”
There was the noise of a car engine in the distance. The medicine man looked over Josh and Nate’s heads.
“Ah,” said the medicine man. He puffed on his peace pipe. "Step aside for a moment. Here comes the advertising man, he wants to sell the people nothing, claiming it is something, this shouldn't take long."
The medicine man looked over at the three roofs sinking slowly in the sand and shook his head. He looked back at Josh and Nate. Josh was sure he detected a faint smile on the medicine man's face, just momentarily.

Friday, April 10, 2009


What really matters?

If we are adrift
fragmented, not believing anything,
does god really matter?

Love thy Neighbour

Thursday, April 09, 2009

We worship at the temple of consumerism, money wins.
We can buy freedom and individualism,
in a world where nobody wants to be different.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Lunch in the burbs

Mum and I headed up to the Camberwell shops for lunch. There were cars every where, in the big car park, all trying to out do each other for the next car spot. Rat-faced bitches behind each steering wheel ready to kill, if you even looked like you were going to pinch their spots. They had no problem blocking the entire roadway if it meant guaranteeing their place. Invariably, in huge four wheel drives - urban tanks to keep the scared safe - they can barely drive, let alone park. I'm alright Jack and fuck you is what those cars say, as they do 12 point turns to park them, as cars gather in either direction.
We eventually parked under Safeway, where there were plenty of car parks, as it turned out. No one was venturing underground, clearly. We walked back through the asphalt maze to the rear of the shops on Burke Road, to a preferred cafe.
I stepped up onto the footpath.
"Are you quite right now, you sooky la la?" said the guy walking towards me, some what aggresively.
Huh? I thought. Who, me?
"Are you, you big sook?"
Ah, the guy from the Ford Focus? I thought. He must have found a car park without, actually, causing an accident, I presumed. Amazing.
"So, are you right? Now?" he asked.
Oh, you're not the buttoned down, cardigan wearing Christian that I thought you were? He looked quite wimpy when he couldn't wind down his car window, instead settling to say dick head through a one inch crack, as his car careered back onto the correct side of the road.
"Over your sooky out burst? Huh?"
Quite masculine, really. Who'd have thought. Slightly too fat a neck squeezed behind his tie knot, though. I turned on my heal, as he walked by. Kind a cute, really. Being quite aggressive, though. Small cock, I presumed.
"You sooky fucken la la!"
Sooky fucken la la... is this primary school? Did I insult his masculinity, as I left him in my wake, as he strained his face through the window crack? I suppressed my urge to laugh. I didn't think that would serve me well, right at that point.
"You sooky fucken cunt!" He was now walking ahead, but looking back at me.
He'd turned the corner of the car park too wide and ended up on my side of the roadway, blocking my path. I told him to learn to drive, rather, I yelled it through my, already, open window. Did you get your straight boy ego all bent out of shape with that?
"You haven't got so much to say now, have you?" he continued.
I wanted to say, You know mate, I don't really care if you live or die, actually. I opened and closed my mouth. The words wouldn't come, I almost felt foolish, but my still small voice was saying don't even engage him. We held each other's gaze. Why waste my breath, I thought, as he walked straight into a power pole, right on the edge of the footpath. I could see it coming. I thought he'd see it before he hit it, not for a minute thinking that I'd, actually, be that lucky. His head made a hollow thud, against the wooden pole. It was a complete cliche, which seemed fitting, as he was a complete cliche. Maybe there is a fucken god?
I suppressed my urge to laugh, again, as I turned back to my mother. Oh, I should have laughed, laughed right out loud.
"Who's that, darling?" she asked, bewilderedly. But then, now a days, she asks everything bewilderedly.
"Nobody mum," I said. "Just another waste of space."
"Oh, okay dear," she said. She smiled lovingly, like a mother does.
"Watch your step," I said. I'm not sure to who, though.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Shorter days, longer nights

Wow. I haven't seen so much rain in I can't remember how long. All the flowers in the garden look positively perky. The footpaths look almost sparkling. The air smells fresh. My car looks clean. The world looks new. The day radiant.
Autumns here.
Boo-hoo so are shorter days and longer nights.
Soon it will be winter.
Yeah, for the seasons, finally. Not just the big dry.

Monday, April 06, 2009

This proves nothing

Where it's all lead

My name is Christian Fletcher and I am an alcoholic. Hick!
Ha, ha. We loved the Merlot. (Speaking about oneself in the 3rd person can never be good)
Up the country, half pissed. Lovely! How else does one spend a dreary, wet Monday?
Who the fuck cares... about anything? Hick!
The state is in the worst drought in the history of the world and I'm complaining about rain rather than sunshine. I guess I should be drinking to it. The rain, that is.
"Yes, I'll have another, thanks." He smiles. "Fill it up, lets not be stingy."

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Saturday night @ the Comedy Festival

I went to see Wes Snelling's show, Kiosk, with my step daughter, Jane. I love Wes, he is so clever. He does good stuff. Funny. Original. Clever. Very Wes. There were a couple of dead spots in the production, but they were minor. I've seen a few of his shows and have loved them all.

Then we went to see Arj Barker, at the town hall. We bought tickets an hour before he went on, stayed in the queue when everyone said it was doubtful we'd get seats at all and we got some of the best seats in the house. He's so funny. No to mention handsome. We laughed all the way through.

I think stand up is my favourite form of comedy. Maybe my very favourite form of entertainment.
I wanted to see Janeane Garafalo, but, of course, she is booked out. We're going to book to see Will Anderson, after easter. And I'm off to see Dylan Moran in a couple of weeks with my mate Jill. (They say Dylan Moran and I are alike, actually Bernard and I.)

Saturday, April 04, 2009

6 O'clock News

Scandal not depth
disillusion not knowledge
tune in, get the latest


Muslim extremist.
Man is base, that we know
he loves war best.

One minute to midnight

As we stare into the void
the only question we ask,
does it come in other colours?

Friday, April 03, 2009

My Two Very Favourite Television Characters

I'm still not in the mood, ever since I have quit smoking I've had writer's block. Grrrr! I think it is the angst and the stress of quitting smoking that just takes me out of the creative mood and puts me in an anxious mood, which kills the creative process.

When will I feel normal again?

More difficult to give up than Heroin, so they say. I've always scoffed at that ridiculous statement, but now I'm not so sure.
I should just stop thinking about it. I'm not under any deadline.

David says I can't expect to feel normal after giving up an addiction (Ed note - 2 addictions) in just 3 weeks.

Oh fucken hell, kill me now!

And what if it doesn't come back, you know, like the world won't be a lesser place. Nobody is going to die if I don't ever write another word. Nobody is going to starve, cry, puke, or poke themselves for that matter.

Maybe I'll try some Haiku.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Out and proud

"You're not very gay," she said.
"Yes, I am. Very gay," I said. "Fully fledged."
She laughed nervously.
"Card carrying," I added.
"But, you know what I mean," she said.
"I'm sure I don't."
"I wouldn't have picked you as gay."
I'm never sure if that is a good thing. I mean, I don't really want to be an effeminate screamer, (not that there is any thing wrong with that) but I also want people to know I'm gay. I'm out and proud, why shouldn't they know.
"You are not obviously gay," she said. "You know...because..." She raised her eyebrows up, like I should know.
"I don't wear pink mohair jumpers..." I offered, almost jokingly.
"Yes," she said. "Exactly!" She seemed pleased with that.

I'm not a very forceful flag waving poofter, although having said that there is no aspect of my life where people don't know I'm gay. (is that a double negative?) But, when I have conversations like the one above, I'm never really sure what to say.
How would you like me to prove it, always seems to come to mind.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

I've been drinking a bottle of red wine every two nights. Do you think I have swapped one addiction for another?
Ha, ha, not really. But, you know, a couple of glasses in front of the teev at night and there's half a bottle gone. I can imagine it becoming quite moreish. I sit down to Biggest Looser and I'm thinking about my glass of red grape, you know, tonguing for it before I know it.