Fucking

There is nothing like the feeling of a guy's tight ring around the shaft of your cock. That tight fit, when you are inside him, it is a great feeling. Slicing the beef. 

Holding his hips, getting a grip on him, feeling his thighs shake. "Oh yeah!"

Opening him up again and again and again. Listening to him groan, "Oh yes, yes...," feeling him shake, gagging on his breath, having him grip you tight with his hole. "Oh yes, that feels grrrr...ate." 

Taking over, like he wants you to do. Pushing his head down and taking him places he can’t go on his own. "Oh yes, yes, yes! Don't fucken stop!" 

Pushing into him, pushing into him, pushing into him, feeling all his resistance fall away. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Being able to go as deep as you like.

Having him tell you how much he likes it, "Oh god, just like that." How much he wants you to keep doing to him, "Oh yes, yes, yes, don't stop." How he wants it done to him all day.

“Oh God, I fucken love that sooooooo m... m... muuucchh.”

I used to like Carlos the best. What was he? Sri Lankan? I think? He was my little brown berry. Perfect white teeth. A smile that could melt the world. And an incredible taught physique.

We used to meet at a sex club during the week.

He was small, and toned, and I could throw him around; lift him up, hold him down, put him on his knees and push his chest to the ground, push his face into the pillow with my hand grabbing the back of his head.

I used to use him like a bike rack, and er... park my... er... wheel right up in him, and he used to call out to god he liked it so much. He had no safety, no limit, he wanted me as far as I could get inside him.

Up against the wall, with his jocks around his thighs, pushing his arse out like a super model, so I could get direct access to his prostate.

He loved it so much. That boy used to cum like a geyser gone mad.

He had a full day at un on Mondays, and I didn't work Monday, so we'd meet at the sauna. He said it gave him a buzz, and cleared his mind and helped him focus on his studies, if he had a 'session' before his big day of study. So, we used to meet up, after breakfast.

I'd go and have coffee afterwards and contemplate my day, and he'd go to uni.

I don't know why I thought of that today, that was 15 years ago. I wondered how he was? I hope he's having a good life.

I Piss In The Shower

I piss in the shower when I have turned off the water. I always have, it’s just a thing I do. I don't know why? I'm not even sure when it started? 

I never even thought anything about it until I heard people criticising other people for peeing in the shower when the water was running. 

How can that be a bad thing, I thought?

All the while I'd turn off the water. And have one last pee before I get out. I am very good at aiming it down the plug hole though, I might add. If that makes anyone feel any better? 😬

Fresh

Nothing more pure than drinking a glass of water straight down.

Ah, that sweet, sweet taste

Straight from the tap

don't give me any of that bottled crap,

infused with plastic 

during its trip to your place.

You Only Live Once

One lifetime is not enough

there's that grease patch at 25,

skidding you all the way to death.

3 score years and 10,

ticked off double quick,

look around and away it's all slipped.

He Didn't Smile At First

He didn't smile at first

He just stood there with an open shirt.

His chest smooth... his hair luxurious...

eyes set... 

You did a double take, he didn't move.

You could feel the warmth redden your cheeks,

as your thoughts danced in your brain.

Knowledge and Wisdom

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. 

Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. 

Lawyer Jokes

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. 

“What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.”

Satan jabbed the man with his pitchfork and snarled, “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

Lawyer Jokes

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" 

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" 

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

Last Day Of The Year

 SMS. 09.03. (Shane) Hey Shane, arrived safe & sound. All lovely Christian

SMS 09.57. (Matt) Give us a call 66XX45XX – Christian 

SMS. 10.33. Happy, happy, ho, ho – Christian

SMS. 10.39. I’m in [just out of Lismore], lovely it is too. Warm, sunny, picturesque, like living in the Dandenongs with palms – Christian

SMS. 10.42. (Jill) Near Lismore, in the hills – Christian

I ventured out on my own, for the first time, breaking that feeling of being trapped and expectantly being released, stuck in the middle of some where you know nothing about. Blind.

Matt and Rob came over. They went swimming.

The walk down to the river and back is very steep. I didn’t really feel like swimming, so I joked about the walk back up and Mark made some comment about me being lazy and fat. Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot. So, I walked down and then walked back up. I just didn’t want to swim with an overcast sky…

Mark. Luke and I tried to connect up the water pump, to fill the non-drinking tanks from the river. We couldn’t start the pump, so we had to drag the pump back onto the bank.

Settling In Nicely

We went to Minyon Falls, first up, to see what affect all the rain had had on them.

There I was in the Range Rover traversing roads precariously perched on the sides of cliffs. Then there was the ridge road across over to the falls themselves perched on land that fell away steeply on either side. It all set off my fear of heights gene big time.

But, I survived.

The falls themselves were gorgeous, but again high up, made my knees wobbly. It’s kind of annoying, you know, all that beauty and my vertigo alarm was pulsing through me.

It was so beautiful though.

We came home and relaxed.

I read The Slap. We all read, all three of us, lazing around on the couches. And then Mark got restless with relaxing and had to go mow the lawn.

Roz came over with Bromeliads. We ate cheese and biscuits and antipasto. We planted plants in the palm garden that Mark and Luke have cleaned up already.

We ate warm beef salad.

It was nice. Food and relaxation in a picturesque country setting, it doesn’t get better than that.

The Adventure Continues

I left the Alyn Motel in Gunnedah at 9.30am. I spoke to Mark, who said it had pissed all night. The road to Narrabri was long and straight. Wide. Pale grey. Flat. There was water by the side of the road, in the paddocks, across the low lying gravel roads. It began to rain, for the first time. I wondered if they were the first spots of something much heavier, or if it was just rain, water falling naturally.

I wondered if my “the newell, more than just a highway” map was manifestly inadequate and that I was being ignorant and just plain foolish in attempting to take roads that I knew absolutely nothing about, was my ignorance shining like a beacon in these times of heavy rain and flooding. 

Were the blokes who knew this country bound to say, you gotta be kiddin mate. Get across there, in your car?

What would happen if all the roads were cut off, if I was cut off and that I had to go back to the border and retrace my steps, every last one of them.

I, actually, hate it when I don’t know what I’m doing.

But, as I drove from my failed stop to the new beginning of my adventure, I thought, I have two weeks before I have to be anywhere at all. Who cares.

The heavily pregnant “Information” woman in Narrabri, though my planned route was perfectly acceptable and that no, she hadn’t heard that any of the roads I proposed to take were, in fact, washed out. 

The very next turn off to Bingara appeared to be a narrow alley wending its way across the rain soaked pasture, but I was soon comfortable with it and it had morphed into something more substantial.

There were mountains in front of me, all the way from Narabri, maybe from as far as Dubbo, I couldn’t quite remember. But I suspected I’d have to cross them, at some stage. And I was soon winding up hills on narrow goat tracks, which made my vertigo play up behind the wheel, for the first time. I crept along slowly, as my psyche got used to no safety rains and sheer drops, while I stopped myself from shaking

The roads criss-crossed the country side, with me criss-crossing them. Causeways and spillways and signs saying prone to flooding.

Bingara seemed nestled in the hills and the people seemed to be nestled into ruraldom. I got cedar cheese, white bread toasted ham and tomato sandwiches, where the cheese oozed like puss. The coffee spilt in the saucer. And the local paper offered when I enquired about a newspaper. Simple folk. Was I an arrogant prick?

Inverell slept peacefully. The road moved freely from one to the other, not flooded at all.

In Glenn Innes the gran shop keeper told me how she kept the V’s out of the fridge because of the kids, with that knowing look. You know, nothing is questioned if it had anything to do with kids.

I headed to the main street, up the road and around the corner from gran’s shop, the bakery and drank my first ‘Mother.’

I nearly left without getting petrol. Half a tank was as good as empty. I’d just left town, just passed a big servo, as the highway flew out of town. I doubled back and filled up with 98 octane, one of the petrol picks, just like that. I used my credit card for the first time and asked the register chick if she could put my empty can in the rubbish.

She hesitated.

Have I upset her?

She laughed and asked me to repeat what I’d asked.

Do you have a bin you could put this in?

Yes, sure. She looked relieved. Then she laughed.

She took the card and the eftpost machine from my hands.

In case you were wondering why I looked confused?

Maybe, I thought.

I thought you said something about fondue, that’s what I thought you asked.

I thought I had insulted you by asking you to dispose of my waste. You know, find a bin yourself buddy.

No, she said. I thought I heard fondue.

SMS. 14.17. (Shane & David) Still driving. Took a wrong turn, listened to an idiot who sounded like he knew what he was talking about. To add insult, that lead me to a flooded road and I had to turn around. Now I’ve got a map and aren’t asking any fools. Next stop Tenterfield – Christian

SMS. 14.28. (Shane) One of us should have stalked, at some stage – Christian

I stopped at Deep water and bought another ‘Mother’… what can I say, I liked the taste of them. I bought an apple pie too.

Turn left on the highway for Tenderfield and you’ll get there… um, smile… eventually.

I think Tenderfield was pretty and more historical than most of the towns.

I raced down the windy roads from Tenderfield to Lismore in the rain, followed by a Mazda X9. We passed everybody. The slow truck, the P-plate girls from Victoria in the Hyundai, the high powered 4wds with caravans on the back, the old chick in the Daihatsu Pizar. We did 120ks in the clear bits of windy road, as the rain fell. Well, the straighter bits, the longer parts coming down the hill of the windy road. He kept up behind me; we were heading over the black spur in tandom. It was cool. I wondered what he thought.

It took me all day. I got to Lismore at 18.00.

Glen Innes, Deep water, Lismore, seemed to be on the flat, the kilometres of unwashed.

Up the Bangalow Road to Eureka, seemed to become greener and more lush. Luke met me on the corner. I followed him seemingly into a fairy dell.

It rained all night.

Luke cooked bbq and salad.

I had to go lie down early, I was buggered. I slept under netting with my outside doors wide open.

Heading Off On My Big Adventure

I’m my own best alarm clock, when it is of my choice, something I want to do. I drove out the drive way at 8.45, so it wasn’t 7am, it didn’t matter.

I took my first urn at the end of the Romsey Wooden Road, in Wallen. I turned left. I should have turned right. Oops. Good start.

I had my first coffee in Shepparton. Nothing much open, shouldn’t travel on a public holiday. Things are closed. The coffee was terrible, long black, not a chance of a macchiato. I reverted to short blacks, then and there.

SMS. 09.58. (Shane & David) First coffee Shepparton... clearly not in fucking Kansas now Toto. Call it what the hell you like, but don't call it coffee – Christian

SMS. 10.09. (Shane & David) David, get out of bed – Christian

There was water all along the side of the road, flooding paddocks, once I’d crossed the border and entered NSW.

The driving was easy, good. I had the windows down, the music loud. Why had I been worried? The time flew by as quick as the kilometres.

It was hot, 37 degrees, 38 degrees, said the dashboard. At the border and further. I put up the windows and turned on the aircon.

SMS. 13.12. (Shane) Reverting to short blacks now – Christian

SMS. 14.25. Just bought a ginormous V, never seen one so big. If that doesn't take out my liver nothing will – Christian

SMS. 14.27. (Shane) I'm in the boonies of NSW, West Widget, or something? – Christian

It's funny how images from your childhood stay with you, certain images, with no particular reason why specific images stay with you and why others don't. Such are the images of West Wylong. Stills, shots, scenes have stayed with me from a town that we all stopped in during one of our Xmas trips away with the three families. I remember a park, or something and then lunch in an ornate but run down pub following. Uncle Wally and Aunty Marie, no doubt, go there first and us and the Durnans would have caught up eventually. Uncle Wal and Aunty Mar would have waited at the park, flagging us all down, then we would have all eaten together.

As I drove into West Wylong I had that feeling of, this is it, this is that town.

Ah Dubbo, I've heard so much about you. It was kind of that neat, eighties design of Sunbury but on a larger scale. Neat grid design streets with neat gardens right where neat gardens ought to be. Design by computer and beige bureaucrats.

SMS. 18.27. (Rod) Thanks for the offer of the lift, but I'm now in Dubbo. Drive carefully – Christian

SMS. 18.37. (Shane & David) Yeah Dubbo!

Apparently, I can have 2 schooners and still drive? Who'd have thought – Christian

SMS. 18.43. (Shane & David) You're not from around here, are you mate? 

No, no I'm not. 

A short black is the single shot in that small cup, init? – Christian

SMS. 19.06. (Josh) Dubbo is quite nice – Christian (Josh is from Dubbo, way back when?)

SMS. 19.11. (Shane) Don’t know about stopping, guess I will. Feeling good. Janis is wailing, the windows are all wound down, the air is blowing – Christian

SMS. 19.13. (Josh) Hey pissy pants – Christian

In Dubbo. Blowes trousers. I’d put off stopping at Parkes and Forbes, nothing but Maccas, but now I was at the hotel, upmarket pub. I can’t remember the name. One of the first as you come to into town,

Would you like that black coffee in a cup or a mug?

I’d like a long machiatto.

The chubby blond bartender looked at me, stopped, looked confused, then said, You’re not from around here are you mate?

No, no I’m not.

That’s the shot of coffee in the small cup, isn’t it?

Yes it is, I said. Can you give me some milk with it separately.

Jees, sure.

Two guys were in the kitchen, of what was a pub which served meals. I ask the other one.

How do I get to Lismore? Where do I cross over to the other highway.

Just cut across at Coonabarabran. The highway turns left, you go straight ahead to Gunnedah.

I ate all day eggs on toast. Sausage. Egg, runny yolk. Bacon.

I asked for a second short black.

The problem is, said the younger, cuter guy. We’ve only got one of those cups.

No problem, I’ll get it for you.

I’ll give it a wash, he said after I had handed it to him.

No, it will be okay, I said

I’ll wash it, he said looking horrified.

The problem with Gunnedah, was that you had to backtrack slightly to Tamworth, so to get across to Armadale.

I turned to Gunnedah, but didn’t think of the map until I’d gone too far to turn around and come back and it looked like I should have gone to Narrabri.

I spoke to a taxi driver in town. “You have to go to Tamworth to get to Armadale, you have no choice.

Oh well, it wasn’t far to back track, just head off and get it done, it was 10pm by this stage. I felt good, I felt like I could keep going. I felt like I could drive the whole way.

I came around to corner in Carroll and the two cars coming towards me flashed their head lights, just as the 100k sign came into vision out of the dark, above a road that seemed to be lapping at the base of the pole. Brakes. That’s water. The road is flooded? The road is flooded. The road is flooded! Fuck! It looks like a causeway full of water 100 metres wide. Damn! Oh damn! I have to turn around, I guess. Lap lap in the dark, lie sarsaparilla awash in front of me. I really have to turn around. Damn! Oh, dam!

The wrong way, having to go the long way around to fix it. And now not any way around at all. Bugger. Time to stop and sleep. Defeated.

I called Mark and Luke. They said get a room. There in the dark in the middle of nowhere, I noticed my phone battery was almost flat too.

I head back to the main street of Gunnedah, the punters are piling out of the pub. It says accommodation on the veranda. I stop the car, head to the door.

You can’t go in.

I’m looking for some where to stay.

Nothing here, mate.

Can you suggest anywhere?

Nah, mate. Some of the other pubs in town are beyond to have space.

You’ll always get a room at one of the motels, says one chick.

Yeah, the motels, says the other chick. Try the motels.

I booked in late. The only time mr motel keeper sparked up interest in me was at the mention of the flooded road, otherwise I was just a nuisance, certainly in the evening.

Room 2, be out by 10am. No, we don’t cell anything to drink.

I watched Letterman and spoofed on the motel sheets. It seemed only fitting. Isn’t that what one does.

At least I could charge my phone.

LouLou Says Come Spend Sunday Night With Me

Shane got home with the lovely Stu. Shane was pissed off when David presented him with just three biscuits, one of each flavour, of the present I’d cooked for both of them.

“I got hungry,” said David.

David can never be trusted with food, he will inhale it before he even thinks about it. Sometimes I wonder if it is an involuntary response

LouLou said, “Come spend Sunday night with me?”

So, I did. But, of course, when it came to it, she had friends staying and it wasn’t quite going to be just me and LouLou and the smoking fest I had envisaged. Why a smoking fest, I’m not sure, as I haven’t been smoking. Haven’t thought about it, to be truthful. It’s just funny how when I’m around pot smokers, or know I’m going to be around pot smokers I go straight there. Stupid addiction nonsense.

I didn’t care about getting up early, I didn’t care about packing. It would all get done, I didn’t need to think too much about it.

I headed to Bolago around 7pm.

I ate lovely rolled chicken and salad, it was nice. LouLou’s mate [name] and her son [name], the actor and her anorexic daughter, [name], were there. The husband too, I can’t think of his name.

Mark and Luke wanted the bird book. Mark wanted the chainsaw. I declined the heavy, petrol smelling machinery and packed the book.

LouLou and I smoked pot until midnight, in the atrium. We have LouLou’s neurotic conversation, again. Always. She’s completely fear driven, I feel sometimes. Always fear about the bad that may happen. Rarely, hopeful stories of the future.

I got to bed just after midnight. I feel strung out.

I open my paper journal and start to write.

Up the Country

Later…

…peeps.

I'll get back to you.

When I am done country'ifying,

Got my nature hit,

Sat around and recharged,

amongst the gum trees,

Dah, dah-dah, dah, dah-dah, dah.

Breathed in the fresh air,

Smelt the dirt,

changed into a checked shirt,

and work boots,

picked up a broom, a rake, and a spade,

and when I was done, sat in the shade.

Then I’ll get in the car and drive to town.

But You Slept Through The Whole Thing (running down Jules)

He was drugged and raped six months ago, a date rape situation, he doesn't seem to be able to move passed it.

"I feel violated."

"It wouldn't have been very different to a usual Saturday night in Melbourne, taking drugs." (Which he'd probably have trouble remembering also)

"I was an addict."

The guy drugged him, and he passed out.

"But Jules, (this time) you were unconscious and have no memory of any of it?"

His eyes filled with tears, so I decided not to continue with that line of questioning. Too soon? Oops.

But, if you are unaware of all of it happening, how traumatic can it really be? I ask you?

Oh, yeah, I know, that I sound really hard-arsed, but, if you are generally welcoming all cumers up your arse, literally, most Saturday nights, I mean… how traumatic can it really be?

Of course, it has never happened to me, so what would I know. Ah, the sticking point, hard to get around that one. 

I just want to see him smile again. True. shake it off. Don’t go down the rabbit hole, of what you think you should feel. Don’t listen to others who put there spin on it. (Of course, by very definition, that would mean me too)

I'm not sure he ever wants to see me smile again.

It's only logical. I swear, I'd be a Vulcan, on Star Trek.

Music Picks

Lotusflow3r - Prince

White Flags Of Winter Chimneys - Wendy & Lisa

Sheba - Sheba Williams

Renaissance - Q Tip

Re Generations - Nat King Cole

Testimony Vol 2/Love & Politics - India Arie

Thruth Accordiing to - Ruthie Foster

Get It Together - Sola Rosa

Dark Was The Light - Various

Little Honey - Lucinda Williams

I guess these are from my ex-boyfriend Lauri. He works in the music industry and he's a DJ and a Prince fanatic.

And all this music just looks like him.

He must have given them to me at some stage, I guess.

16.03.2009