Thursday, July 27, 2017

I Fall Asleep On The Couch.

I’m only warming up slowly. I am managing to fight off a bout of shivering, only just.

6.30am. I find my thick red jumper to put on under my hoodie, so another joint is possible, before Saffy gets up. I find that even with exercising, I can wear shorts in any weather, as long as my top is warm. I need gloves, though. And a second pair of track pants, if I was honest.

“Give me a little drink, from your Loving cuup…”

I had only just come in, when my earbuds were pulled out forcibly, in the middle of Ruby Tuesday. “Look at you wrapped in your bunny rug.”

“It is freezing, it is true, it is freezing.”

“What time did you get up?”

“Oh, you know.”

“Oh, you know,” he parrots. He takes me off by screwing up his mouth and making a lot of zzzzzzzzz noises.

“Good morning, pumpkin.”

“Don’t you good morning pumpkin me. Have you had your breakfast? Have you eaten your breakfast?” I am sure he is talking to me like I am mentally incompetent.


“Smoked salmon and avocado, you make the toast,” says Sam. “Move! Now!”

“Okay. Okay.” I get up and walk into the kitchen.

“There is no egg,” says Sam. “And it is cold in here.”

“No egg?”

“No egg.”

“We’ve got to have egg.”

“No egg.”

“There must be egg.”

“No egg.”

“There must be egg, come on! Poached eggs.”

“No egg.”

“How can you be so unkind, no, egg.”

“Why is it always your way,” says Sam. “Why is it always the Christian Fletcher way?”

There is going to be egg.

I head outside and get sticks from the stick pile. I pile the different sized sticks up over the fire lighter. I light the fire lighter.

There is very blond toast on the kitchen bench. “Cook this some more.”

“I can’t.”


“The other toast is cooking.”

“You are cooking more toast?”

“You said two pieces.”

“But these pieces are big,” I say. “That is a lot of toast.”

“Well, I’ve already cooked them.”

“Two pieces,” I say. “One piece each.”

“I thought you meant two each.”


Buddy sits in my lap. He uses my right arm as his head rest. When I continue moving it, he puts his left paw up to, maybe to steady my arm. It is tiring typing with a bulldog counter weight.

I put more wood on the fire.

We buy Wicked Stepmother and Bordertown, Bette Davis last movie and one of her first. You’ve got to love PayPal. $54.

The Star is on its way.

I’ve got Little Foxes to watch today. As soon as pumpkin has left for work.

I don’t see why I can’t collect all of her movies, really finish the movie collection that I started, how many years ago. All the good ones, anyway, I don’t need to see the shit, certainly not the 3 movies she called junk herself.

7.30am. Joint outside. It is freezing. The sun is coming out.

Saffy leaves at 8am.

8.03am. I’m outside having a number. Freezing! Good lord. Buddy has just coming storming back down from the back garden.

“I’m just waiting on a friend.”

I put Little Foxes on, when I go back inside. I fall asleep on the couch.

I can't say that Little Foxes was one of my favourites  a period, period piece. To be fair, I did sleep through most of it.

The Music Has Stopped In My Ears, It Is Quiet And Cold

Buddy slept with us. I woke up at 3.15am with him sideways in the middle of the bed, with very little doona to cover myself. I’d had some full on dream, which I could instantly not recall the moment I woke up. But, I was jolted awake, with the final moments of my unconscious. I was a wake after that, staring at the ceiling. I needed a piss and a dump, which turned out to be a lot of fluid and a massive quantity of air farted out with great abandon, after I turned the coffee machine on to warm up. Always turn the coffee machine on first, it takes the longest time to warm up.

“You see going to bed at 10.10pm,” he counts up the hours on his fingers, sucking in air, “3.15. 5 hours.” More sucking of air. “That’s a bit short, even for me.” I only really need 6 hours.

It takes some time for the coffee machine to whir into life. I find my phone, pick the light app to turn on the lounge room lamps, plug in my laptop, take a shit, make coffee, clean the kitchen, roll the joint, transport the coffee and the joint outside, transport my laptop outside – never transport a laptop and a cup of coffee in the same trip, it is a golden rule, it can only end in tears. I find some shoes to keep my feet warm, smoke the joint, transport the empty coffee cup and the laptop inside, hook up the power, sit down. It is nearly 4am.

Milo appears. He clearly wants food put in his bowl.

4.20am. Gets up. Fills the cat bowl. Makes coffee. Actually, washes the dishes he only rearranged earlier. Clean the Kitchen until it is clean. Put milk in the coffee. Roll a joint. Transport the coffee and the joint outside. Transport my laptop outside, second. Hurry, the door is open.

It suddenly gets very cold at 4.30am. I am driven back inside to the lounge room, the grey blanket and Milo.

Transport laptop inside, go and get the empty coffee cup, bring it inside. Plug the laptop in. Wrap myself in the grey blanket. Milo sits on a corner of the blanket and cleans himself.

I want to listen to the last tracks of Aerosmith.

Is it bad that all I do is think about having the next joint?

I make Milo a nest of his own on one of the couches.

4.45am. Another joint. No coffee this time, so it can all go outside in one armful. It is cold and it is like I am smoking the never ending joint. The cold is driving me back inside.

I try to light the joint again, but when my hands are shaking too much from the cold, to actually light it, I give in, admit defeat and scurry back inside.

Milo has found the nest.

My nose is runny, snuffly, I need to blow it. I have to let some of my insulation go to reach over the coffee table to get a tissue. I wonder if it is worth it. I sniff. I sniff again. The music has stopped in my ears, it is quiet and cold. I wish I had a fire. I contemplate lighting it. I wonder if there is any kindling just outside the back door?

5am. I can fix the music. I change my headphones for earbuds, headphones make my head too hot.

I chose Adele. Home Town Glory.

I message David, he’s going through a depressive stage.

5.30am. I am dancing on the back veranda to Rolling in the Deep. It is freezing.

Dancing is all I can do to warm up. I have to go back inside.

5.45am. Wrapped in a woollen blanket, I chose the Rolling Stones ballads. It is a playlist I have, just vocal tracks. “Well, I followed her to the station…”

I regret giving Milo the other blanket.

"I'm a fool, baby, ah, yah, yah..."

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I Make The Porridge This Morning

I made the porridge this morning, Sam left me with it when he went back upstairs to have a shower, kind of dared me to make it. Do you know how, was the look I got as he exited the kitchen? I’ll show you how, was my next thought. 1 cup of oats, 2 cups of water, I’m sure that is it? Must commit that to memory. I guess it is already committed to memory, I think. I chuckle… So, there were lots of sultanas... cinnamon, stewed apple and maple syrup, with a milk sauce. My speciality, all those oaty, caramely flavours.

It was just a normal kind of day after that. I smoked pot, ate big pieces of sour dough bread with apricot jam. I sneaked a small tub of peanut butter ice cream, it was on special, when I went to buy pies at the supermarket for lunch, which we didn’t eat. We went out for Pad Thai. I, initially, left half the tub of peanut butter ice cream for Sam, but I ate the rest of it in the afternoon, as I dozed on the couch listening to music. I threw the empty container into the recycle bin, cavalierly, thinking Sam will never look in there, why would he? I stayed indoors. I ordered the DVD, The Star, online. Can't wait for that to arrive.

We took Buddy to the dog park. Brad was there with Martin. (who else is Brad going to be with at the park?) It was cold. We didn’t stay too long. We took the short trip home. It was starting to rain, which wasn’t nice.

We ate snow peas and tofu and egg for dinner.

I fell asleep on the couch. Comfy couch. Big, black cushion.

Sam wakes me at 10.10pm and tells me to go to bed. I am very groggy.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

I Got Pot Saturday

I made an Aerosmith Greatest Hits, Deluxe Vocal Mix. I deleted all the really hard rock tracks. It quietens it down, makes in more R&B. I update it with some more resent ballads, and recent singles from iTunes. It's great. I'm obsessed with it. I've got my ear plugs in all day.

“Living on the couch!” Did you see what I did there? “Clever.” I thought it was clever too.

I got pot Saturday.

I was going to go for a walk, but the sky turned black with clouds, at the very thought of going for a walk. I felt a chill up my spine. The weather has taken a turn for the worse. Black clouds blew in. It is freezing in Melbourne today. My fingers are like ice. So are my toes.

Not long after, I pull on my favourite blue hoodie, I head out for a walk for an hour. Steven Tyler singing all the way. Earbuds in. I find headphones too hot to exercise in.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Cable Internet

The cable guy came. He made all sorts of excuses why he couldn't install the cable anywhere but the front wall.

We have to get an electrician to move it, if we want it in another room.

"Is there a story above this?"


"What? two?" he repeated. "Are you telling me this house is three stories?"

"Yes." As soon as I said yes, I could see his face change, from the pain he thought he was possibly going to have to go through, to just slithering out of a nightmare job, snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, at the last minute. Phew! kind of look. I could see the corners of his mouth crease in pleasure.

He drilled through the front of the house. I’m sure I wasn’t gone a minute. I was out the back, and I heard two whirs of an electric drill. There is so much renovation work going on around us, it is hard to tell from what direction the sound of building work is coming. When I went back into the bedroom, it was done.

"It’ll take 20 minutes to warm up." And he was gone. Just now.

Sam wasn't having any of it, you understand. He called Telstra and complained, the good thing about having a case manager. They agreed to move the connection.

Still, the internet is back on, as fast as you want, it would seem. No, it is much faster than it was.

Free instillation, months of free internet, maybe the pain of not having the internet for those 5 days does seem worth it.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

I Dreamt That My Aspidistras Were Flowering Ply Wood

I dreamt that my aspidistras were flowering, but they were flowering in sheets of ply wood. What does it mean?

I google it – mostly I am seeing if I have spelt aspidistra correctly – I am surprised what else comes up. First of all, it says that the type of flower was important. Yes, well, who can say. Next it says the colour of the flower is significant. What colour is plywood?

Was I giving, or receiving the flowers? Um neither.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, apparently, it's beauty, emotion, or an attempt to make things better.

OMG! Then I come across a post of what dreams about wood mean. It may represent someone with the last name of Wood, or Woods. (raised eyebrows) Dreams about plywood may represent being cheap. (I see) Who cares what dreams mean anyway.

I message Leah to see if she is free during the weekend. She messages back that she is busy. “Good for my bank account.” We pencil in a date for 3 weekends forward. But, I have dared to think about smoking pot. I know it, I can feel it. My usual wings-of-steel against, um, such things had come off maximum power. I can feel it.

I don't have breakfast before we leave home at 10am. “We’ll get something,” says Sam.

I go to Cash Converters and find the two U2 CDs I've been looking for, “Pop”, and “All That You Can't Leave Behind,” however, Northcote Cash Converters charges $3 for each CD and Fitzroy only charges $1. I only buy them because they are $1, that’s my justification. The only use they are to me is to be uploaded into iTunes, otherwise I have Apple Music, which covers everything, Sam continually points out.

And I have bought all the U2 Greatest Hits, all for $1, anyway. I have a tight arse moment, “$6 for CDs I don’t really need, no, the thought of a realist, I don’t really need them... at $6. At $1 for a whole album, that is cheaper than one track on iTunes.

We go to Northcote plaza, it has always been a miserable fucking dump, and once we can find the way in, every doorway looks like sewer, we head to Aldi. I’ve always thought that was telling about Northcote Plaza, never being able to find the way in. What does that say? Even Aldi looks cheap and that takes some doing.
All the PS4s are sold, “Sold out in the first hour, luv,” says Maddison manning the checkout.

Sam says that is curious. “They weren’t all that cheap, not really.”

None of the cafes/restaurants are open for food yet, up High Street, it is still not midday. So, I still haven’t eaten.

We go to the pet food shop, we park right out in front. We buy Buddy his chow. We change back to the original brand, BlackHawk. The cute son is there, he always says hello. It is worth going just to get that hello out of that handsome boy.

Buddy has been getting fat, everybody has commented. Even dogs get fat-shamed now a days. Has it been since we changed brands? Could be? It is worth a shot.

So, of course, we are close to the Preston Market. “We might as well go grocery shopping.” I look at Sam, easy for you to say, I think, Mr perpetually chauffer driven. Still no food. Sam gets out, as soon as we turn into the Preston Market car park, leaves me in the line of traffic, he wants to go to Aldi to look for a play station we’ll never use.

“But it can play Blu-Ray.”

“Which we never watch,” we carol together.

I stop in the far parking lot lane right at the beginning, and just wait, my usual Preston Market routine. Someone always eventually goes, otherwise it is a shit fight just driving around and around, missing car spot after car spot. I’ve been waiting five minutes, when a guy in a blue Corolla pulls in in front of me. People go to a car a bit further along. The guy in the blue Corolla backs up to the front of my car and puts his indicator on. I still haven’t eaten. Sam arrives back at the car. I toot the blue Corolla. He puts his hand out the window and waves me passed. People go to a car further along again. I think fuck it, and pull passed him to take the second car spot. Those people deposit something in their car and walk away. The first car backs out. I try to back up and reclaim the spot, before the blue Corolla, but it is useless. He steals my car park, I still haven't eaten. He gets his kid out of the back of his car, then he walks passed our open car window.

I tell him that he is everything that is wrong with the world, "I hope you never complain about selfish cunts in this world, mate,” I say.

“I didn’t know you were waiting for the car spot,” he says. “You didn’t have your blinker on.”

“You can’t be serious,” I say through the open passenger window. “What do you think I was doing?”

He offers to move his car in the smarmy-git way he’d done everything else. I don't believe him and tell him to, "fuck off!"

I go to Cash Converters to see the price of their CDs, more than a dollar, “Herumph!” I gaze at the DVDs, as I turn to walk out, I see the 5th season of Weeds, out of the corner of my eye, what are the chances of that?

The CDs, I want? The DVD, I want?

Sam is already in the dumpling eatery across the street.

I slump down in the chair. There is a small Asian girl at the next table who is talking incessantly. I look at Sam. He looks at me. I go to the toilet. I look in the dirty mirror, I am unshaven. I have toothpaste around the corners of my mouth, I have a white head pimple on my chin, and I have hairs hanging out of my nose. I was once beautiful, I think, as I grab the nose hairs between two finger nails and pull.

They are slow with the food.

There is a small Asian girl at the next table who is talking incessantly, I mean like a dement little cunt, she never stops.

“Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah!” I am not exaggerating, that is literally what she is saying, at one point.

I plot her death. I think it involves smashing her forehead into the polished concrete floor, or a toothless parolee in a public toilet.

The food comes for me, and the kid. We are both quietened down, me mentally, she verbally.

The food makes me nicer, quickly. Sugar levels return to joyous.

She really is a beautiful kid. I kind of feel sorry for her when I notice both her parents are staring down at their phones and ignoring her completely.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Like I Was A Lamington Having Just Been Rolled In Coconut.

I've had a bout of dry lips just lately. When I wake up in the morning I can feel the ridge of dead skin cells around both my lips. So, I have taken to having a tin of Blistex, actually, I think it is called Calmex, whatever, next to my bed. First thing, as soon as I wake up, I grab the tub and I wipe the cream on my lips. I can feel the dead skin particles coming away on my finger with each wipe around, top and bottom. This morning, I padded down stairs with Buddy, Milo was standing on the arm of the couch waiting for us and I picked him up and pushed my face into his fur and kissed him. I ended up with a layer of cat fur stuck to my face, like I was a lamington having just been rolled in coconut.

I’m in the cafĂ© around the corner eating French Brioche toast with berries and mascarpone cream and drinking coffee, which is quite nice, despite the fact I can now create a hotspot on my mobile phone and use the internet at home, any excess charges I may incur with that Telstra is going to refund, which is nice.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Telstra is Rubbish!

We are switching to Telstra cable internet. (Because the NBN is not scheduled for our area any time soon, thanks Canberra) Big communications company, you'd think it would be easy? Ah no! Telstra has stuffed up every part of the change over right from when they first started the procedure. Every part of the monthly cost and billing they have got wrong, requiring constant phone calls to them to clarify the situation. And now? Well, the cable was to be installed the morning of 24th July, and the phone was to be transferred no later than 7pm on 24th July. Easy. Except, Telstra despite written conformation to the contrary, transferred the phone yesterday, which meant our old internet connection was cut off, five days before our new internet connection is connected. And no, there is nothing they can do about us now not having internet for 5 days. Sorry.

I'm now sitting in the cafe around the corner. I can't spend $30 on breakfast every day for the next five days, that is just ridiculous.

It was lovely in the cafe, until a woman came and sat behind, who proceeded to call everyone she knew. Even with my headphones on I can still hear her.

Oh yes, I forgot to add, when they transferred the phone, it didn't even work. So when I tried to call to complain, I couldn't.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Cable Internet

I was doing my favourite thing, making digital collections of my favourite singers on iTunes, Cyndi Lauper, Bee Gees, Kate Ceberano, Simply Red…

when [my current internet provider] sent me an email saying that my Internet cancellation was being processed. I called [my current internet provider] to find out what the hell they were talking about? Telstra, in yet another stuff up concerning the cable internet installation, [we’re getting cable internet installed, as it is much faster, and enables us to watch high def movies on our new hi def TV] had requested the cancellation as they had transferred the phone over today, instead of on 24th July when the cable was to be installed, leaving us without internet for 5 days.

Phone calls to Telstra ensued… lots of on-hold music…

…and two hours later, we filed a complaint with Telstra’s cable instillation department. Laughably, we were told that the complaints department would get in touch within five days.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The World Didn't End

Winter Meeting arrived. Yay. Just June Bride to come. And maybe that is it for the time being, enough Bette Davis DVDs, my collection has grown sufficiently for the time being. I have bought 10 movies recently. I think that may now be more DVDs than I had videos in the original collection. All those old BASF tapes, all with the same silver label, all with the name written in the same way.

I painted the second coat on the gate. It is looking good. How many coats do you think I need to do.

I got changed and went to the supermarket and bought beef for tonight’s curry. I also bought more mandarins, naturally. I noticed, at some point, that my left thumb is quite orange from my current mandarin addiction. The mandarins have all gone up in price in the supermarket, there are none currently on special. I also noticed that Navel Oranges were quite a bit cheaper, and I decided to put my “score” through as navel oranges.

There was a part of me that thought – not out loud, and coherently, but there was sense of it – if you do the right thing good things will happen to you in return. I caught myself thinking this as I looked at the mandarins. It is, of course, drummed into us throughout our life because that is the glue that helps keep society together. There is a natural order to life and that doing the “right thing” is the oil that makes this natural order happen. It is what religion is based on, it is what the notion of karma is also based on, and it is, of course, all nonsense. Life is random, and the nature of our lives is random. There is no yin and yang, it is all just a construct to keep society civilised.

And it is all crap. So, I put the $3.50 per kilo mandarins through as $1.50 navel oranges and the world didn’t end.

I vacuumed the house, well the bottom floor, as we didn’t get cleaning done yesterday. Too much shopping. I think that is the first time that cleaning hasn’t been completed on a Sunday. Yes, the first time ever that Sam has allowed cleaning day not to proceed on the correct day, being Sunday.  I did it today because it makes him happy, nice aren’t I?

I watched the end of Dead Ringer. I like Dead Ringer. There are some human touches to it. Bette plays more of a normal character in it, how I imagined she may have been in real life. Oh sure, she is a murdering double crosser who sells out her only true love for money, but, she is not playing some simpering, half-witted, mental defective, grotesquery, so typical of the 1960s, if you know what I mean.

Sunday, July 16, 2017


We were up at 9am.

It was freezing this morning. Brrrrr!

Sam made eggs, avocado and smoked salmon at 10am. Lovely. I was toast monitor, of course.

11.11am. We headed to Bunnings, Victoria Street and Ikea to shop. Yes, shopping was to be done, new things were to be purchased, namely sheets and doona covers to match the new bed. I was being made to spend money, we’re on a roll now, after all. Ha ha. No, really, I hate shopping, mixing with the general public, ah! Really, it is shocking!

We looked at sheets and doona covers in (name of bed linen shop) at Victoria Gardens. The sheets sets were around one hundred dollars... for a fitted sheet? Flat sheets included, but who gives a shit about flat sheets now a days, I ask you? The doona covers were separate and more expensive than $100.

We looked in Adairs. The sheets-sets and doona covers were expensive too, one hundred and something dollars also.

We went to Kmart and bought a doona cover for $55 and king size bed sheet for $40. As long as they are all cotton, who cares where they come from.

We went back to (name of bed linen shop) and bought a quilted doona cover for $150. Fuck it! In cream too, but the shop assistant said they are easy to wash, and hard wearing, after we told her we had a bulldog. Sold.

We went to Ikea and bought the draws on wheels to slide under the new bed, to put the sheets and shit in. We also bought a draw not on wheels, for Buddy to (not) sleep in. We found a fitted sheet for $25. We should have bought four. We had to pick up the products downstairs. It took us quite a while to work out where to pick up the two different products, as it turned out, from two different areas.

OMG! So many people in Ikea buying shit. The concept of rampant consumption destroying the world doesn’t seem to gel with people yet. Okay, so I was there too, but I bought a few things it has taken me twelve months to get around to buying.

We went to Victoria Street and found a car park in Albert Street. We ate soup for lunch. We did grocery shopping. I bought madarins, naturally

We went to Bunnings and bought a shelf for the garden storage. We found a perfectly sized shelf, for only $9 what’s more.

I was walking up one of the isles looking for paint brushes and out of the corner of my eye, I thought the woman walking in front of me had chosen a large, porcelain dog, which she has in her trolley, that was until the dog moved. He was a gorgeous honey coloured French Bulldog. I told her what I thought I’d seen and we both laughed as I patted her dog. He was lovely.

We came home and installed the new shelf in the garden storage. I finally got all of the tools out of the hall cupboard and out of the house.

We painted the other side of the gate. We bought a second, smaller, brush, so Sam painted the smaller, curly bits and I painted the bigger bits.

We took Buddy to the park.

We ate rice paper rolls for dinner.

It was cold and windy all day.

Sam went to bed first, nan always goes to bed early, taking Buddy with him.