Saturday, January 31, 2004

Hooking Up with Manny


My dreams

It was a dark night and I was driving a British Racing Green MGB. I had a flat tyre, Jean Black (one of mum’s eighty year old friends) was helping me change it. I took the winged hub nuts off with some sort of knuckle-dusters. My attention was distracted for a moment as I put the wheel by the side of the road, and when I looked back, Jean had dismantled the whole brake assembly with a screwdriver. (Ed note. Jean Black is legally blind) The parts were all over the road and she looked very pleased with herself. She smiled at me, like there’s a good job done, but she was looking in a different direction to where I was.

I was catching a 72 tram down Burke Road from High Street Malvern. I was in a hurry to get to where I was going. When we got to Malvern Road the tram turned left, apparently, it was a new route and I hadn’t noticed that the number on the tram was in fact 72A. The driver was one of the service guys from work. I was pissed off, I had to be somewhere. 

"What are we doing," I said? 

We headed up onto a rocky peak, on the very peak of the ridge, like some sort of madmouse. The driver gave me the full story how he was one of the very few who could negotiate the tracks through the rocky out-crop. I was dizzy from vertigo as the tram wound around the windy track. 

The next thing we were at the terminus in Glen Iris with the driver drinking tea from a thermos under palm trees with coconuts.

I got out to walk to wherever it was that I was going, shaking my head. “Unbelievable,” I muttered.

Stella arrived at 9am, with baby Patrick and we went to look at light-fittings in Richmond. The light fittings were cheaper than I would have given them credit for.

Stella explained how she negotiates the city in zones. She can travel from her home zone into another zone, no problem. But travelling between zones is more difficult. Sometimes there is nothing for it, but to go back to her home zone and start again. She laughed.

Stella had never seen my house, so I encouraged her to come now, while it is spotlessly clean. I think she was impressed, as house it is pretty cool. 

She dropped me back home at midday. 

I finally bought a new cafetiére. I had to go and buy a new coffee bean grinder, as Shane took the last one, despite it being given to the house by Sebastian. I think, maybe, Sebastian even bought it over after I had discussed it with him. But, I suppose, Shane thinks that Sebastian is really his friend. I guess that’s what he thought? 

I really got intimidated into buying the more expensive grinder by the shop assistant at Jaspers, who was so Prue from Kath & Kim. 

“We have the Gaggia and the Leggia, unless of course you just want one of those buzz-boxes?” She rolled her eyes at the thought.

“Um, yes, it was the buzz box that I was really interested.”

Wide eyes, look of disdain. “Oh…we only really have two types. This one, which is fifty-five dollars and this one which is one hundred and five. This one has a better motor and is clearly the better product of the two,” she said pointing to the more expensive model.

“So are you saying this one is much better than that one.”

“Well, yes, this one has two cutting blades and this one,” roll of the eyes, “only has one.”

“So would this one will last longer,” I said.

“It’s a superior product,” she said. “But you’d be far better off with a machine with a grinding action, really.”

“I don’t really drink that much coffee, just on weekends.”

“Oh,” she said. “Well, this one would do the job then, I suppose.”

As I walked home with the more expensive machine I thought that I don’t usually fall for that kind of thing. If I’d bought the fifty-five dollar machine and it only lasted for a few years and then bought another one, I would have been better off than with the more expensive machine, which may, or may not, last any longer.

So, I paid twenty-five dollars for the cafetiére and one hundred and five for the grinder. Somehow doesn’t seem right. 

Morning Miss.

I think I am feeling *somewhat* better today... Which is better than feeling like crap I guess!

So far, no mood swings, anyways!

If I *do* make it to D's I shall give you a tingle and see where you're at.


Oh yes, I *do* have that money you lent me all those weeks ago. ☺



buy an espresso maker ☺


Mark and Luke arrived about 6pm.

We went to Vibe for dinner. We sat outside until some absolute nuff-nuff’s came and sat next to us. She was so fat and not wearing a bra under her black t-shirt and her titts literally were rolled under her arms into her armpits, like children wrestling under a blanket. He had scabs on his face and the other guy was so nondescript, he blended into the concrete grey footpath. She rocked a baby in a pram that’s wheels squeaked every time she pushed it. She was talking about someone who owed her twenty-five dollars and how she was going to set up her whole house with that money. We moved inside and had that same discussion about how there really are people in the worlds who are a waste of space, who really are just wasting precious and non-renewable resources. The poor bastard kid just didn’t have a hope – he could be so lucky, but just wasn't. The dumb people are breeding and the cycle repeats.

I came home and washed the Rover, it was filthy.

Mark came home and spent most of the time on gaydar trying to arrange accommodation for their trip to Italy. There’s something a little weird – off – about Mark spending all of his time organising (sexual or not) accommodation for his and Luke’s trip overseas on gaydar on my computer when he comes to my place.

Luke rolled joints and he and I watched a George Clooney and Nicole Kidman movie, The Peacemaker. I think it was the first time the television had been on since Queer as Folk on Monday night.

I wanted to go to Manny’, so I waited until Mark and Luke left for J’s fortieth in Prahran, which was what they were hanging around for, before I headed to Ascot Vale, at approx 11pm.

I was supposed to call Manny by 10pm, but didn’t until 11.15. Apparently, he left seven messages for me, he told me not to listen to them, I haven’t yet. He can become very determined.

My phone battery ran out when I was chatting to mum and I plugged it into charge without turning it on again. I must stop doing that, but I was thinking about unhooking the internet so I could call her on the other phone. Woops.

Manny and I had great sex. He’s so sexy.


Friday, January 30, 2004

Good night, Good Morning Too ☺

Shucks!!! thanks ... I'm all gooey!!!

Morning Christian.
How are you?
I'm still sick, though not too sick to go to work.
What are you doing this weekend?

This weekend, it's funny you should mention it, I was only just thinking about it on my walk into work.
Do I go to the country or in the city do I stay? Which b/f will take my fancy away? Do I retreat to the open spaces or do I encourage a little city play. Where would the action be that would most suit my tastes? Who's eyes do I want to gaze into? Who's going to slip into my arms? Who's going to entice me and beguile me saying it is here that they want me to stay? I guess the answer is encapsulated in these words on display. So you work it out my sweet, but I think I can see which plan I must obey.

staying in town then?
big smile

As the sun shone through the clouds, after a rainy morning, I puffed on a cigarette and contemplated.
My perfect guy would be my height, he'd have nice chest, he’d walk a certain way. He wouldn't have to have muscles, but he'd be in shape. He'd be kind of scruffy; in other words, he'd be less concerned with his appearance than he would be with being comfortable. Daggy maybe, in a sophisticated way.
He'd have an opinion, he'd have something to say.
A nice smile and/or laugh would go a long way.
He'd most probably be dark, but not necessarily, blond is okay. He'd have a job, or at least something to do. Hopefully, he'd have an interest in the arts, even if he wasn't personally involved.
He'd be sarcastic. He'd be funny. He'd suffer no fools. He'd love gardening. He'd love cars. He'd love cats and dogs.
He wouldn't give a damn about fashion, he'd just set it in a very nonchalant way.
He'd be old enough to have a few scars, there's beauty in them, I say.
But most of all he'd be kind and he'd be sweet and he'd be as honest as the day is long.

so staying in melbourne then ☺

I think you should get a dog...but hey, nothing compares to being woken by four children!!!
We'd come over and play with it, you could get one of those little white fluffy things just in case no one knows you're a big poof...its kinda like advertising'll pick up a wide variety of men by just walking down the street with it on a lead. In fact just go buy a powder puff and attatch it to a lead and you'll get the same results plus benefits of it not smelling like a dog, no shitting, eating or going to the vet. No puppy training, no puddles on the floor....oh do I need to go on?
I am way too tired to be of help in the dog choosing dept. BUT the woman next door has a gorgeous staffordshire bitch and she's going to be letting her have a litter of puppies!!! THAT would be sooooooo cute. Little poo's to pick up too!! But they smell....wonder if anyone has crossed a staffy with a poodle or a Beddlington. I'm full of ideas today. I shouldn't be cos I have had 2 very late nights in a row chatting to g/f's in Adelaide. Then having to get up and do the whole school routine its a bit much! Hope I actually put sandwiches in their lunch boxes..........
You need to come babysit for me next week too (please) let me know what day is good for you and I'll see what I can organise.
Why am I not talking to you on the phone? I'm tired, that's right, brain won't function till I have digested this cup of coffee and speaking of digestion I think I have a packet of 'choccy digestives' in the cupboard....couldn't find jaffa cakes anywhere but when I do I'll be sure to let you know (with a phone call and a rattle of the empty packet)
I'm getting mean so will go

How are ya Christian?
Wotcha doing?
I've been drifting in and out of sleep all day, and my fever is currently gone...
Mum and Dad have gone to Pillock Island, and I feel like I should be naughty?
Sad sad sad.

Naughty miss?
What degree of naughtiness are we talking?

yeah not really a chance of that to tell the truth not into sharing my diseases these days anyways

now i'm wondering if'n you want to play


you heard

I heard all right, doll. But I don't understand what you are trying to say?
PS. Luke called and asked if I'd go halves in a quarter and I said no, with only a minor hesitation. Good? Huh?

i meant i wondered for a second if u wanted to be naughty too
dont worry miss I’m just delirious

Delirious would be a good look out at a bar...well, maybe it would be the norm. He, he.

what do you think of the idea of killing the flu by dumping shitloads of speed into my system


Oh, how predictable MISSY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Surprise me then, why don't you?

Doll, you've just got to get out more

Expand your interests

See the world

You know, not through a gauze fog

Doll! Really?

critical cunt
critical cunt

Did you get anxious and hit the send button twice.
I screamed with laughter, and nearly fell off my chair, when I saw this.
He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he, He, he, he, he, he., he, he,

I do hope that the silence isn't an indication that Mr. Sense of Humour has deserted one?

Clearly Tom is pissed off with me.
I headed out the door to go over to Manny’. The bloody car conked out at Brunswick and Gertrude streets.
I finally got it going and got it home.
Manny and I talked dirty on the phone, both of us with hard-ons lying on our respective couches.
Manny said I love you heaps, as we hung up.
I said, I love you too. It just came out.
I’m home on my own and I want to be wrapped up in Manny’ arms. I’m home alone. He’s home alone. Bugger.

I think when I get really really cross its time for me to have a nap.
I'm somewhat more cheery now.

Well, at least that makes one of us.
I was heading off to Manny' and my conked it at he corner of Brunswick and Gertrude Streets. It took me ages to get it going. I bought it home, it seemed to go okay. So I called Manny and then I had another go at it. The car died half way down my street. Again it took me ages to get it going. So now me and it are at home again.
Manny is home alone. I'm home alone. Bugger, I wish I was cuddling him. We can't talk on the phone without getting hardons. Bugger, bugger, bugger.
I'm sorry if I upset you, I thought we were just kidding around.
Luke is on gaydar, don't tell him (under any circumstances) who I am. I don't want him to know. I want to stay that much anonymous. I'm out of cigarettes and it's pouring with rain.

Tom called me after this to say that he’d never tell Luke my gaydar profile. I almost feel disloyal asking him and I should be able to let Luke know who I am on gaydar, but the truth is that I like to be anonymous when I’m on there. I don’t want to tell anyone, otherwise I’d have face shots in my general profile. Tom worked out who I was himself, when I was in chat and there was a discussion about read-heads. He picked it was me. And you know, Luke’s not stupid, he even checked out my profile last night, although he didn’t message me. I took Fitzroy out of my profile, otherwise, I’m sure, there would have been a great likelihood that Luke would work out who I am too.
Tom said he was going to send Luke a dirty message.
I should sign off and stop wasting my time.

You know, I may just have to review my policy of not sending the automated message (There is a little part of me that feels like I have failed whenever I do) as I just end up being inundated with messages to the point where I throw my hands up in the air and scream, Enough, enough, enough all ready!

Then Ride/butt messages me... and there's nothing else for it

Then there's B/man. (what is it?) :P

I would fight anyone to have a turn of him!

Assume the defensive position!

check out nastyboy
and also kensingboy is an old root of mine who is coming to melb – might need a room at yr place?

Yum to nastyboy!
Yum to Kensingboy too!

yes to the room for a root if needed???
pssst u can watch if u like ☺

Who gets to root him for the room?
I can watch? He can stay anytime he likes.


good night, good morning too ☺

Thursday, January 29, 2004

It Poured Down With Rain, Freakishly So

Morning Christian.
Sorry about last night, I'm rather ill and not at my best, and tales of teasing boys just didn’t seem to do it for me.
I hope you have a beautiful day.

Take a pill, doll!
Take a couple.

I was counselling a red-haired boy from Cranbourne, last night, who wanted to come over but was wary of what his b/f might say. I had been chatting to a taught army boy from Watsonia, who was very keen to hook up. And also a cute guy down from Sydney. My head spun. I hadn’t heard from Manny. I asked Tom his opinion of what I should do, Cranbourne boy, or wait for Manny to call?

I told Tom that I’d tell Manny that Tom advised me, said I should... and so... then I had to. Tom said he didn’t care. I told him Manny would be upset and that he’d hate Tom for it. Tom said he didn’t care and then he cracked the shits claiming tiredness and said he was going to bed.

Oh, you are no fun, I thought.

Three even.

That’s the spirit!
Big smile

panadeine forte
vitamin c
and maybe a lazy quarter of a valium
big smile back

Hi Christian,
Hope we left the house ok – let me know if there was anything else. I paid the bills when I was there yesterday as well.
I left my fitness first keyring – may come and pick it up on the weekend if thats ok?

Everything was just lovely. Thanks.
Of course, you can come and get your fitness first key ring. You can come over any time you like. It would always be nice to see you.
See ya then buddy.

Thanks. And also thanks for letting me live there – had a great time… As soon as we get a dining table we will have you over for dinner. Terry is away Sunday so I might pop in then – will call you before though.
Kiss kiss

That’s my pleasure. I loved living with you, it was always a joy. And if you ever need somewhere to live… actually, let’s not wish being single on you at this point. You are such a great guy.
I’ll look forward to dinner… and maybe Sunday.

I went to mum’s for dinner. It poured down with rain, freakishly so, so they said. Auburn Road was chokers to Barkers Road. The brakes on my car played up a little. I don’t know if they were wet – all though they couldn’t have been very – like the ABS was slipping. As I got further down Auburn Road, the front yards were white and covered in hail, as though it had snowed. The low point down near the freeway must have gone under, as there were emergency vehicles all around and the road was blocked by them. Fred and I wound our way through the back streets to get home to mum. Lucky I grew up around there.

I went to Coles at Victoria Gardens on the way home. The loneliness of the vast spaces of a big quiet car park, all empty is palpable. The concrete of the urban jungle, marked and define as to where you may go, chilling, in away. No human contact, just concrete barriers, fluro lights and painted lines

I was home calling Manny at 11pm.

I've been looking after Fred for the last couple of days and boy aren't they different to cats. It's quite a spin out when I come home or let him in, in the mornings. Bloody hell, talk about hard work. Bounce, bounce, run, jump, pant, pant, pant. Yay, yippee, you're home, or you're awake. WAY TO GO!
And cats... oh, you're here. Hmmm? I see my food bowl is still empty though. Hmmm, maybe I'll see you later.
Living on my own is glorious. If I thought it was going to be a permanent thing, maybe, just maybe, I'd relent and get a dog. Maybe? But what sort? It's good that I don't have to seriously give it any thought.
How's everything in Cheltenham?

Wednesday, January 28, 2004


Goodness Miss.

Hope this finds you feeling well...

I've got a nose chokka with snot and aren't feeling the best - thank the goddess that I didn't have any twitch on the weekend...

Hmmm, I *have* been offered free tix to Beyond, was wondering if u wanted to go halves in some Cialis actually....


I don't think I'm going to answer. I think I want to be a little mysterious. I seem to want to hermit myself away from everyone, at the moment, not sure why. Ditch them all. I think I'm going to withdrawal.


I'm good. Lovely Wednesday.

No thanks to the cialis. I only want it when Tina is around.


Although, I think the secret to withdrawing is not to make a big deal about it. If I suddenly shut down all communication that is a huge statement in itself. Be polite, answer emails, nicely and succinctly.

Remind me to tell you about g/dar later and Cal75. Ooops. I wish I hadn't opened that profile. But at least now I know and I won't open it again. First time I've bumped into the boyfriends on g/dar.

Tom was on too. I hope he didn't blab to the other two what my handle is. If Luke or Mark ask me who Chriso is, my reply will be Woody Allen's son. Quizzical look. Elizabeth Taylor's daughter, you know, the one with AIDS. Look of shock.

I logged onto gaydar to chat to Tom. I didn’t know if he was on, I just assumed.

From Chriso. 18.43

You’re always on here, doll. You must waste half your life in here. Deep down in the bizzaro nether world of gay.

From Chriso. 18.48

Clear nights (no dope), smelly things, (some bitch who didn’t douche) punching someone out and stomping on rats.

From Chriso 18.49

I know, I know, don`t mock me bitch!

Hah wasting my time on gaydar indeed!

Who are you to say I'm wasting it?

How do you know when I'm on here!!!

Oh, I couldn’t Instant Message back, I've run out ☺


I don't do that anymore, the *click* went off somehow.

Haven't you read my profile????


Couldn't instant message back because you've run out... I rest my case.

(I have a cat and dog intensely vying for my attention. Swat, swat. Away!)


Oh...yes, I have, but not for a while.


Manny seems to have disappeared off the radar... but move my friend. Where's H/boy when I need him. He seemed nice.


From Chriso19.07

Where might Pillock (surely it would have a capital letter?) Island be?

From Chriso19.07

John1977 looks so hot in his initial photo!

From Chriso19.08

Is this too many messages, doll?

From Chriso19.08

I think I`m in a very silly mood, all of a sudden

From Chriso 19.08

Did you get all of those, doll?

From Chriso19.09

I bet you thought I’d finished, hey?

From Chriso 19.09

Hoped maybe?

we don’t have to capitalise in gaydar Miss.

Do you mean ya BF Manny, or the very sexy Christos that's in chat right now??


Er...I meant B/ Christos in chat? Hmmm! That sounds good. Or should I say he...


well u should its scintillating


From Chriso 19.06

Where`s that skany photographer when I need him. Some fat cow with a camera who wants to come over and take photos. I soooooo need new photos... do you think it is worth the risk? Although, if Mr Christos would come back from wherever, I wouldn`t need fatty with the digital. What do ya reckon?

yes and a good shag too I have heard – don’t ask me how...




reading as I type,!


u know it drives me nuts that i cant answer back


yes john1977 looks fucking gorgeous

6'5" tho


H/boy went over to dipryan's house he gave him a glowing report

ALRIGHT yes I have spent too much time on gaydar!


Yeah, H/boy seemed very keen last night... but the funny thing is, I'd feel unfaithful. So I just come on here to play and talk to you, of course. My beautiful man will turn up eventually. He went to help his ex-boyfriend move house, two days ago. Just can't trust them ex-b's, that's what I reckon.


From Chriso 19.25

Do you think I should tell t/white that he should never wear matching co-ordinates, especially in mauve!


tell him i dare ya!


if there's anyone u can trust its him come into chat if u want i invite youse


And now I'm free to suck your blood!


I'm not good in chat...besides, you don't like me in there anyway.


Talking of cute, affirmation. Yum! (What is it): P. I'd never dare to message him, but.


It's funny how i shy away from boys who don't practise safe sex, and yet I have never a second thought about Manny' status


Woof!!!!!! to affirmation. Just my type. (Do you know I nearly messaged him, just in the nick of time did I realise I was in the wrong profile) Big smile


you know i love youse in chat – I only don’t like it when u pick on me


Tom and I chatted on gaydar for hours – 6.30pm to 11pm. (What a waste of time, hey?) But he got the shits in the end because I was teasing him and snitted off to bed.

I lay on the couch and read my earliest journal. I think it’s quite good.

I was in bed at midnight.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I Cleaned. I Read the Newspapers. I Grouted the Bathroom Floor

Hi – its me – Sorry for not getting back there on the weekend – Terry got called out for a 3dayer..... He gets back later today. Is it ok if we come round tonight and clean up?


Yeah sure, of course that's fine. How was your long weekend?


It was really good – I slept a lot – when I finally did


Hey Christian.

How was your Australia day?

Mine was lovely, spent it at Perry's cuddling Josh O’Grady, and then had Kym Davidson and Erica and Beau over for a BBQ.

It was noice.

Was Josh O’Grady looking better than the last time you saw him?

Perry raved about how much he loved seeing you btw.



I cleaned. I read the newspapers. I grouted the bathroom floor.

Josh looked fine. He's always looked fine to me.


Yes, Muffin replied something about flower power rules.....


Pencil you in for Thursday.

Wrote it for a forty-year-olds birthday



That would be lovely.

Can you call me Thursday morning, I just know my week is going to be completely thrown because of the long weekend. 9672 xxxx

Why are people replacing the full stop with the hyphen, in emails particularly? Have you noticed that?

I liked your story, it inspired me to pull out one that I started six months ago.


Story needs work, but I'm proud of myself in pushing a few of my own boundaries. Will call tomorrow.

And people replace proper punctuation with hyphens because they don't know how to punctuate.


Hows yr quiet house Miss?


Hey christian.

Are you out tonight?

Hope you had a good one Missy!

I've got a cold!


I lay on the couch in my clean, tidy house, with one lamp on and read my new Wheels magazine from cover to cover.

I went to bed at midnight. 

Monday, January 26, 2004

That Floaty Alone-In-The-World Kind Of Feeling

I am up at 9am. Why can’t I sleep 'in' anymore? It is a mystery?

Manny is off to help Michael move today.

Tim hasn’t been to clean, he said he’d come yesterday. But, apparently, he and Terry have been doing drugs since the house warming. Tom said that if Terry was going to, seemingly, be putout that Tim did speed Friday night and then not go to work and do drugs after we all left, he could have at least been gracious about other people doing speed at the house warming, instead of being sour-faced and un-welcoming. It would be very interesting if Terry lost his job, hey? (But then as pretty and big-dicked as Terry, supposedly, is, he is always the sour one)

I hope they don’t come over today to clean, I think I’m going to have a hermit day. The aloneness shivered up my spine as Etta James sings. A very quiet and still day, all my energies are restricting, I can feel them tight on my skin. That floaty alone-in-the-world kind of feeling settles on me like a mist.

And there is still the grouting.

I miss Mark and Luke.

Perhaps, I should put a cd on and have a sing.

I can’t complain.

Somebody make me laugh somebody make me cry.

I refuse to be lonely.

Stop the world I want to get off.

The house is tidy, I’ve got it how I want it. I don’t care when I live with other people, I can live in clutter, it doesn’t matter. I don’t see any reason to stress over something I can’t control. And I don’t see why I should clean up other people’s mess. But now it’s just me, it’s tidy like how I would keep it. I’ve dusted. I’ve chucked stuff out. I’ve put things back where they should be. There is lots more crap to dispose of, but all in good time.

Find some where for it, or throw it out. Don’t just shove it in a cupboard and slam the door, like everyone else is so fond of doing when they clean up around here.

Actually, could we do Thursday or Friday – Weds I have off and will be racing all over town, so I have no idea where I will be at what time.

Hope you had a great long weekend – I've been writing – find the results attached – it's not pretty, so you have been warned. Written for a friend for his birthday 9yeah, I know, some friend)



Thursday or Friday is fine with me.

I'll give, The clearing house, a read.

I always wanted to be a writer... oh that's right, I am. I remember.


Sunday, January 25, 2004

First Pot In How Many Weeks?

I dreamt that I was in bed and Terry was lying next to me on his stomach, his sexy arse pushed up against my leg. I slip my hand onto his arse and felt the roundness of his cheeks and the cotton of his jocks. My finger hooked onto the elastic and pulled it sideways. The tip of my finger slipped into his crack and found his warm hole. As I applied pressure he wiggled gently so my finger slid into him, his seal opened and my finer worked it’s way into him slightly. He wiggled again so it could go further into him. It was dry and not sliding in too far. I kept pushing, he kept pushing against me. I removed my finger and ran the tip under my nose and wet it in my mouth. The wet tip gently pushed into him. He moaned.

“Oh…what are you doing?” My finger pushed further into him. “That feels nice.” He rolled over and lay there with an enormous erection. “It feels nice, I want you inside me. But we can’t.” He smiled.

I dreamt that Manny was walking out of the garden I was working in. He walked along the footpath where two guys punched him and called him a faggot. A friend Andy Darling ran to his defence, as Manny ran to me and I held him in my arms. The two homophobes grabbed Andy and held him out flat in mid air and drove a cold chisel into his back. We ran to get help and met Lauri coming out of the milk bar in a salmon coloured hand knitted jumper and a beanie.

“I was just coming over to see you,” Lauri said.

I woke up and it was 6am from my dreams. (I’m going to have to start smoking dope again to hush the night voices in my head. It’s been a couple of weeks with no dope now) I went to the toilet and as I did I heard the front door, so I went down and chatted to Tom for a minute. He nearly got it on with Mark Windsor in the dark at 80 before they realised who each other were. (Secretly, I think those two want to get it on)

I went back to bed and woke at 9am.
Mmmm! Wild berry muesli. I deviate from Uncle Toby’s just occasionally.
I cleaned the oven. The cooking fat on the cook-top and the dust from where Mark replaced the tiles had combined to the consistency of crumbed fish. Orange Power is really good stuff, Stella (Watson) is right. It all just dissolves.

Then I head over to mums to cut her grass. We eat lunch and go and fill her car up with petrol for her trip to Eltham. I’m not at all sure if her driving to Eltham is a good idea. I don’t think anything bad will happen to her but I can see her getting lost. It’s sad old age, not recommended from my point of view. We drive over to Balwyn to look at X Avenue, to give the battery time to charge.

I leave Tom at home asleep. When I get back he is gone, visiting as the note he left said.

Apparently, Shane had his house warming. I didn’t answer his email or give him my mobile phone number. (Funny, my home phone number has been the same for going on fourteen years.) Good thing too, it looks like I just missed out on that by the skin of my teeth, hey?

I came home and read the newspapers and played with my plants. Manny called, he wanted me to go over there. I should have gone really, but I was stuffed, happy on the couch in the dimming light.

Tom arrived late from Keith’s and suggested we go over to Perry & Wesley’s... for a joint. We went over after 10pm. Josh O’Grady was over from Adelaide on his way back to London. Josh’s co-dependent without his dependant and he wanted Tom to go around for a cuddle.

We smoked pot and talked. (First pot in how many week?)

Perry & Wesley had been to Shane’s house warming also. Apparently, it was a big affair.
When Perry glanced over to me as if waiting for my comment,
I replied, My grandmother always said that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.
Everyone drew in breath and laughed, but I didn't say anything.
I left when the spa was hot. I got home at 2am. I had to get up and do the grouting.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

I Laughed As I Sat Up In Bed And Said “Wow,” Out Loud

I dreamt that we operated a country retreat in a part of the country that was green and beautiful with undulating hills and hedgerows. It was next to an RSL meeting ground. Everything went along okay until we put a sign out advertising our guesthouse. The problem was that the RSL had some sort of traditional caveat over signage, that it was not to block or anyway interfere with the RSL’s property, a right that they guarded with the tenacity, and blind belief that-they-were-right, of the good uber-conservative, god fearing people that they were. They insisted that we removed the sign, which was next to a row of hedging and which could not have blocked anything they did. They insisted that we remove it, sending over the chiefs of their establishment, one by one, to insist on their rights. Kind of evil Amish meets middle Australia. Good, pig ignorant, ultra conservative, closed-minded, pasty-faced, god is on our aside, quietly frighteningly fanatical fundamentalists.

After we refused and asked them, nay insisted, they get off our property, they cut off all communication, refusing to even acknowledge our existence if we tried to engage them and called in lawyers. The lawyers laughed but they ignored that and insisted on their rights with a steely determination that would have stopped Hitler forming the Third Richet. Unfortunately, they interpreted their rights as if we were wrong and they were right and they blindly went about the process of having the sign removed with no other outcome ever being entertained.

Some how we knew that if they couldn’t get the signs removed lawfully that the sign would be destroyed, as is the way with conservative types; if the law wouldn’t remove it, they would resort to war. The sign was going to be removed one way or the other, we knew that.

I laughed as I sat up in bed and said “Wow,” out loud.

I laughed, as I made coffee in the kitchen, entertaining the thought of inviting the Gay and Lesbian community to hold their fair day on our land.

I’ve woken up with a headache too. I think it is from the small amount of alcohol that I drank at Tim and Terry’s house warming last night. I don’t think I can drink alcohol any more, any alcohol.

SMS. 10.30am. My GOD that was a fantastic fuck. He is the best in the kip I’ve come across for a while – Tom

I went and got the grout for the bathroom. When the guy said it was five dollars I replied only five dollars. He said yes. If you had told me it was thirty-five dollars I would have paid it, no questions asked. And I would have. Now you tell me he replied.

I went to the supermarket and then I came home. I still hadn’t shaken my headache so about 2pm I went to bed. I woke around 7pm.

I put on music and made my soup. To dice & cube a kilo of carrots, a bunch of celery and two green peppers it took me an hour and a half. I thought that was a long time, you know, turtle me – as Auntie Olive used to call me – but I checked with Sean and he said that wasn’t too bad. I didn’t care anyway, I had Regina Bell and then Patti on, in my newly claimed for-myself house and I sang as I cooked. It was glorious.

I chatted to Manny, he was having an OCD locked away in his house kind of day, so I couldn’t coax him over. He’d been sticking pins in his pimples.

Tom arrived around 10pm and we drank soup together. He’d been to see his friend Keith. I said that now Tim had moved out I could have sex with Tony. Tom agreed but he said that Tim would still be cross.

So? I thought. He’d forgive me, eventually. Besides – Terry can have the biggest cock in the world – Tim has said that Tony’s cock is one of the most beautiful he’s ever seen. And if I know my Italian boys…

Manny called (to see where I was) and I suggested a threesome with Tony. What would happen if he didn’t like me, said Manny.

Tom and I looked at each other when I repeated this.

Who wouldn’t like Manny, said Tom in amazement.

I headed to Manny’ at 11pm and Tom headed to Club 80.

Honey... I'm dripping and drooling everywhere! There is a God.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Thanks for thinking of kind.......

love as always David X

I got home around 3am and felt slightly nervous as I went to bed. I wondered if I was, in fact, going to enjoy living on my own. 

Friday, January 23, 2004

Prolapsed Arse

Mornin' (Tom)

I just got caught perving on a wogboy in the newsagent by a middle-aged woman doing her tattslotto. She looked kind of embarrassed because she'd recognised what I was doing. She looked away and then she looked back at me and tried not to smile, but she kind of did. I looked away and tried not to smile, but then we looked at each other and then she looked at him and back at me and we both tried not to smile. It was very funny.

Anyway. It's lovely living on my own. He, he, he. I could so get used to it. However...

See ya tonight. Now, what was that address again?


Morning ☺

I can forward you the address.


I don’t have it!

I'll mail him, and call a bit later if he isn’t at work

get back to ya


No, don't worry. I have it at home.


Okay I may have to call you later to get it if I’m not already there...

Big smile


Mark and Luke arrived just I was getting ready to depart for Tim’s, they were off to the pictures. We went to the Union and had dinner first. I so wanted to ditch Tim and go with them, but I couldn’t in this instance, Tim’s house warming and all. I would have if it had been anything else. I felt sad not to be going with them as I drove down Language Street.

Tim’s new place is really nice, set in a deco block of flats with a leafy garden out the front. It is spacious and white with polished boards.

Terry was being the snotty little brat he can be, well, to Tom, anyway. I’m not sure if he was snotty to me; it’s hard to tell with Terry. Maybe he’s just got it in for Tom, for Tom’s invasion – in Terry’s mind – of our place. It doesn’t make any sense, but Terry’s young, as there was always going to be another person living here. The whole bathroom situation didn’t help, with Tom being in the top room, the only room with a shower at the time. But Terry seems to totally ignore Tom now.

As we were kissing goodbye, Tom said to Tim, “Are you in love?”

“Of course I am”, replied Tim to Tom. Tom told me later that he was going to tell Tim to ditch Terry, if Tim had given any other answer – as if he would have Tom – or if he’d hesitated for a second.

Kip was there, but as soon as I got there his troll of a sister had a psycho-drama about her Chihuahua (tiny rat dog) which, apparently, had just escaped, or had been discovered to have escaped, from Kip’s house, by none other than Julien.

“I’m going to smash up your fucking house,” said the troll sister to Kip as she descended into apoplexy about the dog. “I wanna speak to who you spoke to,” she demanded.

“Okay,” said Kip as he dialled the phone. “But be careful what you say as Julien’s in a really bad mood.”

“Jesus, that should be interesting Tom,” I said. “Do you want to drive over and watch?”

“Maybe he’s got no money for drugs on a Friday night,” said Tim as an aside.

They departed not long after, with troll sister screeching at Kip. “What are you doing, are you coming?” Kip initially said he’d stay and she could go on her own – wise choice from where I was standing – but relented in the end. She’s always a drama that girl. Trailer-trash to be sure, with her pasty skin, lank over-permed hair, pasty complexion and the Lexus she drives courtesy of her drug dealing boyfriend.

And there was Tim being his gorgeous self in the middle of all of this.

Apparently, Julien hasn’t paid any rent and the only time Sebastian – apparently, Julien is never seen – is seen is when he is carrying vials of hot water into Julien’s room. (Injecting hand movements were made as a way of explanation for the naïve)

Tom and I came home here, afterwards.

Tom went to new beau Daniel’s place.

I checked my emails.

Ohh Dear,

That is sick.... does anybody think that it might be the infamous "Treasure" who lost it all in Safeway one day???

Thank you Tom, I now have a legitimate sick feeling to go home for now.

By the way I have passed it onto Muffin.


Hey Doll,

Have got the new house and moved in. Would love to show it to you if you want to see it. Give me a call.

My new home number is: 9429 xxxx

The address is 25 M Street, Abbotsford. M Street runs parallel with L street on the Laird side, over Hoddle Street.

Would be great to see you. I think I have lost your mobile number??

Can you give it to me again?

Love Shane.

Rightly or wrongly, I felt a bit miffed about the fact that Shane had lost my mobile phone number. It suddenly disappeared out of his mobile phone? Please! So I didn’t answer this email. Silly really, let the distance stay, I thought. Just for the moment.

Shane and David “Muffin” Gioncallis

Apparently, Treasure is now happy and…er...well and living in Adelaide.

I bet you David got a bona over that one. Floopy, floopy.


Thursday, January 22, 2004

We Started Kissing In The Kitchen As Soon As I Got There


They were really really good, and I must say, my date, a man named Daniel who hunted me down through Gaydar, is exceptional too.

Great apartment in st kilda, lovely funny flatmate, very interesting friends – I was going to meet him tonight, but when he heard they had a spare Moloko ticket, he thought, what the hey, even if I was a complete moron at least he would have given me a chance to see my beloved Moloko.

Well, I wasn't a comlete moron, we got on like a house on fire, and I struggled into Dingley at 7am, 5 hours sleep and the smell of his bottom on my weener.


A Tiny Twitch with an Easy Elizabeth, help out a first date to be sure, but I had really good time.

Anyhoo Smiss, I shall speak to you soon.


Hey guys some "hot" pix for you... You simply MUST see this!!!!

If you want to have a play with him, you'll have to get in line! I think the embalmer was first!

And the attachment too! Hmmm, a case for eating meat I say!

Sorry if I've put you off forever.

Evilly yours, Tom

I went to mum’s for diner, with Gill. I left early, as Gill was staying the night and went to Manny’s. We started kissing in the kitchen as soon as I got there. Manny usually stops such instantaneous fooling around, but I kept on and he did too and we ended walking backwards to the bedroom almost as soon as I got there.

I was so comfortable on the couch with him afterwards and I could have easily curled up and stayed, but it was a school might.

I spoke to George while I was there. Greek boy on one side and a Greek boy on the other – end of the phone, sure.

Guy's who are over weight and smelly and have bad teeth are not his type? Jesus! Fuck me dead! Or not! I think I'm going to be sick now.

Thanks for that.

I'm glad I've just had sex and am not considering it, thank you Tom.


That, quite possibly, is the foulest thing I have EVER seen!

I'm too scared to look at the attachment, after that.


Hey Christian.

Now you're home alone, in that big ol' house... Have you stolen into the shower yet, surreptitiously soaped yourself, and maybe had a whizz into the dunny?

I hope so!

And dont get lonely, I'm only a phone call away ☺

Love Tom

mmm next time I want to watch


mmm, we were good!



I haven't showered yet, but I've taken a good many dumps – my floaty pooh being what it is in the downstairs dunny.

I must admit that it felt different coming home. I didn't feel the joyous rapture that I thought I would – not really, seriously. There was a certain aloneness, a certain feeling of isolation with this big o'l house just for one. But not awful, not depressing, alone but not lonely. There was a kind of feeling of being removed from everything around. A cocoon, my cocoon, if you like. I don't know, the jury is still out on whether I'd like to live alone. We'll see. Well, actually, we won't see, as my bank balance won't allow it. But it'll be nice to experience it for a short time, none the less. I'm lucky, in the sense, that I don't mind being in the house on my own. I don't get scared unless I have an attack of the stoned paranoia's. I can function quite well here on my own. In fact, in a strange kind of way, I think it would make me more social and less hermit like, as I'd get plenty of me time.

Just me and the purr monster at my feet. It's he who doesn't like it when nobody is home.

The house would be different if it was just me. I know people scoff, but it would be tidier – my bedroom withstanding – things would be in their place.

I haven't lived on my own for a long am I saying, I have never lived on my own.


yes you're right Christian a lot of people would laugh hearing you say the house would be tidier...

But now here's your chance to know for yourself, even for just a minute...or a week… or lets face it a month...

Glad you're enjoying the alone-ness. Everybody should live alone once, and you are doing that.




Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Gay Youth

Happy days

passionate and confusing days

embarrassing, touching days,

if only I could have imagined being happy.

Hold my hand, come find me,

I'm yours for the taking

I could have been won over

so, so easily.

Give me your hand

be brave

you be mine

I'll be yours. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2004


I put my hands in my pockets

and looked at my feet.

I felt the wind on my face,

and felt all my yesterdays

shiver up my spine

as I stood very still.


Monday, January 19, 2004

The Best Me is Now

The best me is now, I'm sorry for what has been.

This should be the part of the story where the good guy comes, sparkle in his eye, a brave smile, knowing what he wants and how to get it, and steals my heart away. It's ready now, I'm ready to meet him. Where is he... now? I've been waiting a long time.

I'm standing tall and straight, eyes open wide, I know exactly what to say. I'd know him now, I'd be brave. I am all of those things, I'm the best man I've ever been. Working straight out of the box, so he would find out. I don't need any more training, just some loving. I'd fall into his arms, I wouldn't run away.

The soft piano music would play, there would be angels and we could both laugh, holding each other's hands, as we chased them away. I wouldn't let go, if he promised not to too. But no promises there wouldn't be any need for those, redundant they'd be, as rules of how to play. We'd know them all ready. They'd be given, easy as the wind on the ocean and the twilight in the sky.

Fingers together. Eyes locked on eyes. If we felt like it we'd cry. Tears of joy, for fear of touching because we'd never let go.

Who are you, come out and play. Show me. I'm good enough, to be the best me. What are you doing? What would you say? I'll close my eyes and do what I'm doing and when I look up to see that group pass by, that man laugh, that child cry, I'll look the other way and you'll be there.

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Wog Boys

When I make comments regarding Italians I, of course, am not talking about them Northern blondie types (spit to the ground) No siree Bob! (practically Scandinavian in my way of thinking) I'm talking black hair, olive skin, dark eyes, smouldering looks. The types who's great grandmothers were raped by the Turks.

Them dark hooded-worms with minds of their own still get me where I live. Oompa, Oompa! That fine turn of cheek, both upper and lower, that an Italian boy masters from the age of, now let me see, a young Italian man has a peculiar beauty not found in any other race on God's earth. That fine bone structure, that twinkle of eye, that trouser monster type of walk... Italian girls must be the luckiest bitches on this earth. No wonder they're always smiling with the genes in their men folk's jeans.

"Wop it to me again, TONY! Put them thick, hairy thighs to good use!"

All I'll say is, GOD LOVE THEM WOG BOYS. Ma nature knew what she was doing when she made them. I just want to roll around in the mould like a sweaty little piggy on heat. Where do you think the original wog boy mould would be kept? Mount Sinai? Like a mummy case transformed into a club for one. Could you imagine being inside one of them and floating around in their juices? Drenching every pore, curing what ails ya. (Like a sexual Being John Malcovitch) Amyl anyone? He, he, he.

I know, I know, I've heard that it is about to be classified as a mental illness. Right behind foreskin insistence. (Give me none of those pasty skinned befreckled Frenchy types. A stand must be taken!)

But that being said, I am taken right now with all things Athenian... his stomach is flat, he has those beautiful lines marking out each side of his abdomen. Black hair, green eyes, olive skin. Yum! His torso flowers into the most beautiful chest I have ever seen; stomach and chest covered in the downy hair, natch. His nipples are like strawberries and with one tug his eyes glaze over and his heat, intensity, bumps up many notches. His face flushes a gorgeous pink and his eyes turn all dewy as his lips part gently to receive mine. As he lays on top of me and we kiss and our hard cocks rub together, as his abs gently caress mine (I wish) sometimes my breath is clean taken away.

He smells good, he tastes good, he's so very good.

And apparently, he only has eyes for So there you go.

Which brings us to a little history lesson, namely the daughter of emperor Augustus, Julia the Elder. She bedded half the virile youths of first-century Rome. Now there's a girl to be admired. Imagine all those togas and Roman sausage. If you laid them out end to end, I wonder how many kilometres they would cover? It makes me fair shiver just thinking about it. Apparently, her life time tally is recorded at 80,000 young (Italian) men. I think I need a lie down.


Saturday, January 17, 2004

It's Always Forever

I've had an Alex

I've had an Anthony

I've had a Mark

I've even had a Ted, for God's Sake!

It was the most uncomfortable moment in my life.

Now I want a picket fence

and a dog

and one man I can call my own

whose had an Alex, an Anthony and a Mark.

Whose ready to stop running and chasing and live.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Luckiest Man in the World

I'm the luckiest man in the world. I have been loved and am loved by so many.

Cherish that feeling, pull it over you like a quilt to keep you warm, because it isn't always promised.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Manage de Trois

And if you are the one who they are both in love with, then you get to break both of their (fucken) hearts.

Be careful. Tread gently. There is a lot of responsibility to having two of them on a string.

Although, the gaze of two sets of in-love eyes is the most intoxicating thrill in the world.

"Jump!" Watch four feet leave the ground.

"Sit!" Watch two arses hit the deck.

"Kiss me." Feel two sets of lips and the hot breath of two mouths steam up the skin on either side of your face.

"I'm needy." Watch them both come running.

It's true.

Two sets of eyes just for you.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

I Must Think I Am On Holidays

Hey Christian.

How are you?

Is Mark still doing that tiling today, by any chance??

YAY if he is!

I'm going to the Moonlight cinema for Keith's b'day tonight – hopefully it won’t rain!


Yep, Mark is doing the tiling

Have fun at Moonlight Cinema – I'll do my rain dance… to stop the rain, of course


SMS. 16.32pm. Hey stud its Zack here. Just a bit horny & started thinking about how yummy your cock tasted & when will I be…sucking on it again – Zack

Hmmm, thinking, thinking.

SMS. 18.13pm. I don’t mind a quick fuck late at night if that’s easier – Zack

I head over to Zack’s, early evening, so I can, at least, get 8 hours sleep. I'm fresh, I fuck him hard, he loves it. Curled into a ball on his knees, gripped at the shoulders, that's what he likes the best.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Jules is Moving into Kip’s Tonight

Morning Chriso
How are you this fine and lovely morning?
Did you have your number one husband next to you last night? How was that (if you did)?
It’s a good day for washing here in Dingaling, getting all my gear ready for my Sydney trip.
Fingers crossed, it shall be fun, warm and drama-free.

I’m…I’m…I’m…it’s Tuesday. It feels like one of those Tuesdays, but I know it’s not. To bed early Friday and Saturday instead of anything that may impact on Tuesday, as we both know. Oh well, ho-hum. It’s my busy day of the month and I feel nothing but scattered. Perhaps, too much sleep, I say? You say? No, I answer, not enough. I could sleep for a week, with or without P.W. sleeping in the next room.
Oh for retirement and, and, and…if I keep up with this talk I’ll be getting one of “those” talks again, hey?
Nervous smile.

Jules is moving into Kip’s tonight and has a job at Joe’s Garage.
Evil grin

Oh, the more that things change the more that they stay the same.
With the people I am dealing with today (mostly Sydneysiders) I’m off to apply for a job at a munitions factor so I can participate in the extermination of the human race.
Determined grin.

DITTO! However if it was closer to Oz then you and me could go on holiday with the boys!!!!
See you there!
Shell x

Hey Christian.
How was your day?
"Looking for a fuck buddy"?? Did Manny find you yesterday (or today)? I didn't want to ask you with Mark around, but did you?
And what great things did Mark do with your lovely house today?
Love ya Miss.

I just got sick of breazin and I couldn't think of anything else off the top of my head. Not too original, hey?

I haven't heard from or seen Manny since Saturday. Perhaps, he's moved on too. I suppose I should call him, but I'm kind of (half) hoping that Glen will do his dash and Manny will see the error of his ways. But, I'm not holding my breath. I've had a distinct step back from him after his revelations. Sad huh?

Mark started the tiling, which is very exciting. The dividing wall closest to the shower is now white with lovely tiles. (Clapping my hands just like Kim)

You can talk about Manny with Mark around

Monday, January 12, 2004

A Deserted Greek Island with a Greek Boy and a Lap-Top

Hi Chriso

Happy New Year!!! May 2004 bring you all that you wish for and more!!

What is your ideal holiday?

Shell x


A deserted Greek island with a Greek boy and a lap-top, or, a deserted Italian island with an Italian boy and a lap-top.


Mark arrived after taking Luke to the airport – Luke missed his plane. We were going to go out for dinner, but we ate baked beans and cuppa soup instead. Mark came down in the Rover because he couldn’t get the Range Rover or the Land Cruiser to go. Bloody cars. But good old Hugo fired up first go.

Mark went to the doctor, he has arthritis. His knees swelled up last week. 

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Special K for Breakfast

SMS. 3.18am. Hey Christian are you still up its Zack.

8.28am Zack called, a couple of times. Well, he’s keen, hey. I didn’t answer the phone, though. I guess that’s pre-warned; I should stay off gaydar this morning, that is if I don’t want to run into him.

I suppose I should go and give it to him, at least that might quieten him down. He has a really nice arse and a very delectable/tasty hole, but he’s not an all kissing, all passionate, hairsuit Greek boy, like I already have.

SMS. 10.20am. How goes it, Miss? – Tom

SMS. 10.25am. Good doll…thanks – Christian

A morning on Special K and pot might be nice. Zack and his thick thighed buddy. Why am I saying no, exactly?

SMS 5.06pm Miss! Milk! Tea! – Tom

Saturday, January 10, 2004

“You Can’t Handle the Truth.”

Tim’s sister and husband and kids arrived. They went to breakfast and then the zoo. They met Terry for the first time.

Tim saw Julien having breakfast with Sebastian in Smith Street. At first Julien didn’t appear to want to talk to Tim, but then he lifted his sunglasses and said that he was still recovering from New Years eve. Tim said that Julien didn’t look as though he had slept since New Years eve. Tim said that Julien looked worse than after the three-month binge he had with James, last year.

I went to Schots and got the name of a tiler. Tony the tiler.

Took Fred to the poodle parlour to have his hair cut. I chatted to mum until 5pm, which was nice. I like my mum. We chat about lots of things.

Came home to calls from Manny. I think I feel sad about him. I think I have moved on, because of the Glen and money thing. Manny said that he wanted to come over and that he may just come over on the chance that I would be here.

I felt depressed playing on gaydar. Maybe just depressed at life and being alone. Maybe?

I'm having pains in my chest. Hopefully, it’s from bad posture sitting at my computer too much. Who would have thought I’d turn into a computer head? It’s all I seem to do now a days. It is from sitting at the computer too long, I'm sure of that.

SMS. 7.38pm. Are you at Bolago? – Tom

SMS. 7.45pm. Fitzroy now. Maybe Bolago. Can’t make a decision to save my life. Feeling down, might go to bed. – christian

SMS. 7.50pm. What’s up – Tom

SMS 7.58pm. Dunno? Just feel kind of sad. Maybe it’s the moon – christian

I want to go to Bolago to see Mark and Luke. Mark says his knees have all swelled up. Gone puffy. Maybe it’s because he’s stopped taking his anti-inflammatory pills for his back, so he thinks. I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be at Bolago.

Tom called to say hello.

SMS. 20.35. I don’t feel like talking – christian

SMS. 20.87. No worries look after yourself and know I think you are the best – Tom

I called Bolago and spoke to Luke to say I wasn’t coming up. I said I wasn’t feeling great. Luke asked if I was eating properly because he thought I’d been unwell for about a month. It had already crossed my mind that perhaps I wasn’t eating properly. A cup of soup doesn’t make a very good dinner replacement, I suppose.

Luke said he called Julien to ask him about the medication he had left at Bolago. Sebastian tried to fob Luke off, initially, but then said that he and Julien were still together by the skin of their teeth, that things hadn’t been good. Apparently, Julien doesn’t want to speak to, or see, any of us.

I asked Luke if they had any guests. He said just a friend who had come up to stay the night. I guess I knew what that meant. I guess they weren’t expecting me after all. I had said to Mark yesterday that I probably wasn’t coming up, as I’m off to see Rachel tomorrow.

I went to bed to watch A few good men. “You can’t handle the truth.” That was voted the second most memorable line in a movie recently, behind “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

I still prefer, "What a dump!"

Friday, January 09, 2004

I Cancelled Tom and Went to Bed early and Watched Gerry Maguire

I hope your morning is lovely.

I'm farting like a bloated corpse today. (push down on the cadaver's stomach and Bararm....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) You wouldn't want to come into my office, as the HR girls just did. I hope they didn't... I got up quick and herded them into the other office where their printing was. Quick as a flash.

Um... er...

Big smile.


Hey Christian

Had a drink with Shane and Mark W last night – they tell me Julien is in a hostel in the outer burbs.

You don't have to run down Smith St naked either it seems. Sebastian gave him the flick too.

So, the lad might be on the road to getting his life together. That's good news ☺

Doing anything tonight Miss?


I'm so tempted to forward this email to M & L. In fact, bugger it.... lovely cc.

So I don't have to flash me willy in Smith Street. You know, with the things Smith Street must have witnessed, I figure nobody would even look anyway.

I'm working lateish tonight and then I should be home. The usual timing applies. I can't imagine being home much after 9pm.

Big smile, christian


Just thought I'd say thanks for the song going around and around in my head.

Better the devil you know. Better the devil you know.


Tim was dancing around the lounge room to Kylie in his underpants this morning when I got up.

Hello guess what - we saw a place last night..... applied for it today and they approved it.... We move in 2 weeks!!! I hope you will be ok financially... sorry if it puts you in an awkward position. This is the place....


No, that's cool. Congratulations.


Julien just called Kip – wants to move into Kips house....


Apparently, Sebastian dumped him. According to.... ?






He's such a nanna


Maybe Jules could move back in with you?




Feel like a beer with D at the laird?


I reckon that would be a good title for a song. Do you want to have a beer with D...

Yes, that would be lovely.

Tim and Terry found a place and move in two weeks.


Were your ears burning?


No why, should they be?


Oh... no reason.


now i dont believe that for a second

i'm going to visit Perry tonight too – wanna go there as well?


I think that would be a big YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Big smile

PS It was only that Tim and I talking about you, via email, literally as you sent me the drinks invite.


see ya there round 9? then we can pick up D




I'm going there next week Miss.

My friend from Bali is there and is flying me up.

I don't know whether to be very happy or very afraid :))


I cancelled Tom and went to bed early and watched Gerry Maguire. I felt like I was getting a cold, sore throat, runny nose, headache and a sore tongue on the side, that spot where my chipped tooth sometimes catches on the side of my tongue.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Manny is Playing with Glen

Hello Christian.
How are you today?
I'm still feeling a bit tired and emotional, as if my inner compass is ever so slightly off kilter...
Well, perhaps not that slightly...
Hope your day is progressing beautifully...

They've all taken their we're-complete-idiots-and-we're-looking-for-someone-to-dump-on pills today. And I'm sorry but it has all been Sydney staff. Sydney people, sheesh! Never have I consistently been subject to such a bunch of rude, arrogant, whingeing, self-focused, no-hoping morons ever in my life.
Beck and I are ready to go home.
I told Beck about what you said about going back to the agency and she said that it was a good idea and that she'd be joining me.
Anyway, that's my whinge for today.

SMS. 5.42PM. Guess what? U know how there’s always a Peter Rose where eva u work (except this job) well there’s 1 in my organisation. Freaky huh? – Kym

Manny is playing with Glen. What is it they say, you’ve just got to stalk someone until they give in. It must have been Glen’s strategy with Manny and it seems to have worked. Apparently, they have anxieties in common. Apparently, Glen can give Manny a good life. Glen has money, which he is happy to give Manny. He’s paying off Manny’ debts. Apparently, he is going to pay the money Manny owes me.
But there’s a payoff for all of this, Manny, I said. You’ll owe Glen big time.
He’s got lots of money, I should tell you how much. And he wants to make my life easier. He wants to look after me.
What does he get?
Lovers, Manny said. He smiled, in a test the water kind of way. My heart’s with you, but you don’t want to commit. You don’t want to commit, do you? You like it the way it is?
Yes, I like what we’ve got.
But I want to see you on the side. Secret lovers.
But that’s the bit I’m having the most trouble with, Manny. Have a lover if you want, but I don’t want to have to lie in the process.
No, we have what we have. Do you still want to see me?
And somehow, for all of my honesty, I’m now the lie. (Is that instant karma, or what?) If Glen and Manny become lovers, I’m going to have to tell Manny that I can’t see him anymore, because it would mean going to a place that I don’t want to go to. Denying it and meeting behind Glen’s back.
I don’t think they have had sex…oh, maybe they have. Now that I think about it, Manny referred to all of that in an odd way, yesterday. Kind of non-committal. I guess I know what that means.
Apparently, Glen paid off money that Manny owed to someone else as a Xmas present. How many people do you owe money to, Manny? It makes me wonder how much of the truth that I don’t know with Manny?
I said to him that he should have added the other thousand dollars that I leant him in cash to the total that Glen is, apparently, going to pay.
I thought you gave that to me as a present, said Manny and then he laughed. It’s funny, as I wasn’t so worried about it until… it’s just the presumption.
Once I get my money back, I’m going to have to say something. I can’t see you anymore, Manny. Go and play with Glen and I hope it works out. I’ll see ya. I could share Manny – with anyone but Glen – even with Glen, but I can’t do the I-don’t-exist thing.

It’s a shame.

I wish I could commit to him – although I have, I don’t want to see anybody else. I don’t want a boyfriend just yet, not after all that’s come before this. I need to live in this world as me for a while.
I’m now talking to Manny on the phone as I type. He says he’s good. He says he feels like he’s normal today, not troubled by his OCD. He said he shaved and it took him half as long as usual.
You’re busy tomorrow night, aren’t you? said Manny. He’s never said that before, quite the opposite. So I guess that means he wants me to busy tomorrow night.
He wanted me to go over and play.

I was just thinking of going to bed myself.

I’ve just got home from diner with my mum.
It’s 10.30pm
I’m going to bed.

SMS. 10.37pm. Want to come over – Zack

My hair’s really short and back to grey. I have to die it, before I go to see Zack. If I go to see Zack? Bi-boys? They need to play up the straight side of them. I need to kiss and breath all over each other and squirm all over each other, to have sex.

It’s 10.45pm. I’m off to bed.

SMS. It’s now 11.01pm. I’m on my way.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

House To Themselves

Hey Christian.

How are you today?

Still somewhat sluggish here, but an easy day again so hopefully all will be OK.

Tina is a harsh woman!



I'm good. I love this weather. I think I am a true wind baby. Love it way better than a miserable 37 degrees.

I have a mountain of work in front of me and I'm going to work late tonight. But, you probably wont be getting to my house that early, I presume. I reckon the latest I will be home will be 9pm. But you can call me and check. My work number is 96xx xxxx.


Did you hear about the body in the wheelie bin in Reservoir Street?


no tell me all ☺


SMS. 1.35PM. Cheltenham chick has landed, fluffed her feathers and begun nesting ☺ - Rachel

See you after 9ish


Cool. I'll look forward to it like it was my 16-year-old deb.


And then you have the lawyers, sucking the life out of people's sorrow. Like harping gulls, circling over the carcass, puffed up with self importance, as they pick over the remains for what ever they can get.

Developers build monuments to their bank accounts. Architects build monuments to themselves. The rest of us pretty much don't get a look into either process.

I worked late. I got home about 9pm. Tom came over and we smoked pot. I told Tom about Tim and Terry wanting the house to themselves, when it’s just the two of them. Tom took it quite well. He told Tim and Terry that he’d call before he came and that he wouldn’t use the house as a place to crash.

Tom said it’s probably a good thing, that he realised that he’d been here perhaps a little too often and that it was probably bad for his drug intake anyway. He went home trashed off his head after the weekend and his parent’s were home and he had to hide the track marks on his arm. He said that he could get away with it once, but if he did that too often, his dad would realise and that he’d throw Tom out. It was one of their rules.

I went to bed and then got up to play on gaydar, but I was too cold at my computer in my dressing gown, so I went back to bed.

Shivering doesn’t make me feel sexy.


Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I DID Say No To Another Whack At One Point In The Proceedings...

Yes.................................................................. maybe that's all I have to say.

No, hang on, I do have something else to say.........................Boo-Hoo.

Although, I did pike it yesterday. I went to bed Sunday night thinking to myself, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, one more day, pppppppp lllllllllllllllllll eeeeeeee aaaaaaaaaaa ssssssssssss eeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up with a pounding head. Boom, boom, boom. This is not quite what I had in mind, I thought. I should have just come into work, first day back and all, but instead I took two migraine tablets and headed back to snooze. Lovely. I woke again after midday and the head was clear. Lovely muscle relaxant, trippy, migraine tablets. I can't take too many as I like them just a little too much.

I was praying for a migraine this morning (not really) but sadly no. Nothing wrong, so I just had to come to the salt mines, instead.


You should write a book on fat terms and wouldn't run out of ideas...would you gunty!!! – Stella

what's a fat term? – christian


I see - Christian

11.11 – Stella


How are you this lovely nondescript day?

How refreshing to be neither dazed by heat nor chilled by Southern breezes, on this gorgeous Tuesday.

That's all the waxing lyrical I can manage right now – you know how it is on Tuesdays after all.

Hope all is well at the Orifice for you Miss.



I'm here and I'm yawning. Air-conditioned buildings to that to me for the first day, or so. It doesn't look good, but I should be right by tomorrow, or I could resign. What to do?

Well, didn't you have a weekend of it? Huh? How are you today? Seedy, I would think.

6 hours to go, nearly lunch time.


Just by the by Miss, I DID say no to another whack at one point in the proceedings...

AND he called me so I'm picking up my rolling gar and choof tonight - I'll probably pop over...


What ?

puncture marks in my arm visible from out of space and a cold sore on my lip as big as K2?

It's not just painted such a pretty picture of the whole proceedings.

It all sounded so gorgeous.


He's quite a nice boy actually, confident, funny, charming, runs his own business, lively, all the things I like in a man, all the things I'd like in me. Very handsome too, of the Tom Bray kind of handsomeness, you'd know what I meant if you saw him.

Anyway, it's lovely to have an early night ☺

Hope this finds you well Miss. When are we going to workshop your job situation?


I went to mum’s for dinner with William and Wendy and the kids and Wendy’s mother and sister in-law. Will and Wendy go to Brisbane tomorrow to live.

They have bought a Chrysler Voyager. 

Monday, January 05, 2004

I Stayed Home

I stayed home today, my first day back.

I sat at my desk momentarily this morning and saw my journal and thought, oh, just one more day. And there was never anything between that thought and the action of calling in sick. Thought, I called in. No more thought needed. Just like that.

Just one more day of typing to finish the journal I was on. So I stayed home and finish it.

I felt horny so I called Manny about midday, he wasn’t home.

I went down Smith Street and bought pork rolls and a fresh juice. I went to the chemist and filled my script and went to Safeway primarily to get muesli. I’d have been cross tomorrow on my real first day if I had no breakfast.

I typed some more in the afternoon. It’s lovely being home during the day, just me, my computer and the sunlight.

I played on gaydar for an hour or so and could have made two dates, but I was careful not to.

Manny called about 5.15pm and told me that I was shocking for not going back to work.

I went over to his place, we watched Ghost Ship.

SMS. 7.24pm. Hey Christian are you in Melb? – Zack

I got home around 10pm and watched Wife Swap with Tim. He went to bed when Fat Club came on.



I don’t think I've slept that much since I saw you last. Met a guy at club 80, (fun guy, reminded me exceedingly of Tom Bray) he took me home, MDA was had. I *think* I slept a little, then up again, the crack dealer came, and all of a sudden it's almost Tuesday.

I don't like that nasty crack that much I think.

Holes in my arms visible from space, cold sore visible from outside the galaxy.

And to add to the Tom Bray/making matters worse aspect, all of a sudden the boy – Dean – needed to impress me with his skills at lining up group sex for us (which I didn't want!) and he crystal fixated on it, was busy for hours.

Then a boy came over who was sweeet but strange – maybe he was strange because Dean made him fist him for an hour or so – another time I was just doing nothing!


Don't you know when u got Tom de Brant u better damn make the most of him?

Then to finish it all off, I left my joint rolling machine, my tobacco, and my dope at Dean's place.


How are you?


Raised eyebrow!


It’s 11.11, I kid you not. I’m off to bed.

you can talk!


Sunday, January 04, 2004

And Now it's Sunday. Whoosh. How Did I Get Here?

SMS. 3.23am. I’m with a dirty boy doing drugs and it is a cold sore – Tom

Up at 9am, coffee and a joint (one from last night that I didn’t smoke, you’ve gotta love that) lovely. Back to work, tomorrow, boo-hoo! I must do the washing that I was supposed to do before Xmas.

And now it's Sunday. Whoosh. How did I get here?

The most pressing issue at hand today, is the washing. Crash, tinkle, tinkle, the illusion of holidays shatters like so much broken glass.

So we're in the New Year. Bring it on!

What to do today? I've had my fourth joint and now I'm considering borrowing Tim's digital camera and going over to Manny', stripping him off, getting him all sweaty and turned on and then taking photos of him. He is so sexy.

No, that's a bad idea. If I had such photos, I just know I'd show them to people.

It's one of those lovely, muggy, rainy, windy days, where everything in nature looks as though it is on an intense colour setting. I love these days, they seem so close and personal, embracing.

I just called Manny. I was banking on his answering machine picking up. I was going to leave this message. I suppose you are still asleep. I wish I had a key to your place, I’d come over and slide into bed with you and suck your cock until you woke up.

But a very sleepy voice said hello. You’re up early?

It’s twelve o’clock.

Oh. Sexy laugh.

He walked to the Vic Market and caught a taxi from there. He was just getting into the shower and then he was off to gym, despite his sore shoulder.

Can I call you later? This afternoon?

Yeah, sure you can, I said, as I massaged my erection between my fingers.

I’m feeling horny, as… I contemplated calling Zack. The look on Zack’s face as the other guy screwed him, the other night, when he squinted his eyes and looked sideways, as he felt it deep inside him and groaned, was hot. I want to do that to him.

But… tisk, tisk. Bad Christian. How quickly they forget.

And having to wait for sex, especially with a hot boy, perhaps, is a good thing. It makes it more intense. It is more special; it doesn’t become a disposable commodity. So bad Christian, no Zack. I’d just simply rather have sex with Manny than anyone else, anyway. And he said that he might drop in after gym.

So no other boys – unless you are going to tell Manny, certainly. I’m horny for Manny, not Zack. It’s only that Manny isn’t available that my mind begins to wander…don’t be like that. Be, a more highly advanced, more developed man about it, Christian.

Manny wants to have threesomes rather than separate sex; that old open-relationship chestnut, which I have lived by, before?

Not that I’m having a relationship with Manny. (Of course I am, just not a sign posted, publicly displayed, conventional full-time kind of boyfriend thing.)

So, sit down and write something until you see him. That’s all you have to do. I’m going to continue with my 1997 journals, handwriting to computer.

Big smile.

Tim has offered me TimTams and Kentucky Fried Chicken, so far today. I turned down the TimTams without a second’s thought. I nearly succumbed to the chicken – lining up with my tongue out without a moment’s thought – but regained my resolve at the last minute to say no.

When I say offered, I was treated to a continuing recitation on how nice they tasted after each time that I said no. It wasn’t until I called him a she-devil did he stop.

It’s 13.00

When I asked Tim if he was cross with Manny for waking him up, he said, No, Tom does it to us (Waking up, not doorbell) every weekend.

SMS. 1.44pm. Where are you? What you doing? – Tom

SMS1.56pm. I’m shagged and considering going back to bed. I think I need to be still and quiet – Christian

SMS. 1.57pm. Hey Christian it’s Zack want to cum over for a fuck session got K – Zack

SMS. 2.04pm. Hey Zack, I can’t, I’m an hour out of Melb – Christian

Besides, apart from the obvious… I need gay-boy gay-boy sex not gay-boy bi-boy sex. Bi-boys are only interested in sucking cock and getting it whooped up their bums. I need kissing and passion and hugging and holding and slipping all over each other in each other’s sweat. I need cocks and balls and cocks and balls rubbed together, soft and hard, as we both pash. Bi-boys often save all of that for the girls in their lives. I don’t think I can do cold, unemotional mechanical drug sex. I need all the tricks in the box and more to want to have sex with someone.

He’s cute and he’s sexy and he’s got a gorgeous body, he just needs a bit more of the gay boy in him. And I don’t mean, my brother’s sticking their cocks up his bum. Lust for a man.

SMS. 2.06pm. Okay, no worries – Zack

SMS. 2.24pm. One visit from the crack man and we’re off again – Tom

I wasn’t going to answer, but I decided that someone had to raise an eyebrow, as small as it was, at Tom’s drug taking, before it gets right out of hand.

SMS. 2.40pm. Doll? – Christian

SMS. 2.41pm. Yes miss. Dean is douching and the crack man is on his way – Tom

He didn’t get it.

SMS. 2.42pm. Raised eyebrow – Christian

SMS. 2.43pm. You should see my cold sore! That’s raising an eyebrow too – Tom

I was replying, I’ve never known a bad Dean, but my phone ran out of batteries before I got to send it.

Dean is such a boyfriend’s name. Big, strapping, gorgeous, love of your life, all around nice boy, Dean. Number 2 haircut, blue eyes, dark hair, olive skin.

It’s 15.00

Where’s Manny?

The washing is done.


I’ve just woken up on the couch.


Well, at least my phone is charged. Where’s Manny?

I went to bed and slept some more.

I typed my 1997 journals.

Manny called, he went straight home after the gym.

My journals now take up eight lever arch folders.

I’m going to bed. It’s 11.11.

I rolled two joints for a wank. I want to watch some more uncircumcised cocks get played with in Tim’s Euroboy porn vids.

My toothbrush won’t work. Bugger!

It’s 11.20.


Saturday, January 03, 2004

The Cum Down

SMS. 7.34. Hey Christian, merry xtmas! U been god? What r u up to today? – Jamie

SMS. 7.57am. Miss. Morning! – Tom

SMS. 8.30am. I think I have Pinkeye – Christian

I think I may have conjunctivitis. Bugger. Off to the chemist – don’t make me go to the doctor.

My knob is scarlet.

SMS. 8.47am. What pot? – Tom

I’m not answering this one. (Perhaps, I am stingy?) And I don’t think Tom has access to a computer while he stays at Shane’s for the next week, or so, so no ready availability to his emails. Otherwise, I would have emailed my reply.

There’s some story about Shane & Mark W not having a home, landline, phone, something about a dispute between Telstra and the landlord.

SMS 9.45am You sms’d me & said you’d get dope new year’s eve night – Christian

I feel guilty about Zack and not telling Manny. That’s two men I haven’t told Manny about. Bad, bad, Christian. It was nonsense that I went to Zack’s last night. I was in no fit state, I knew that. And now I seem to have lied to Manny, even by omission. Stupidity, the things you do on drugs. I don’t want to do anything to upset Manny, he’s too nice for that, and yet, I have. Even SMSing Jamie was stupid. I’m hopeless when it comes to sex on drugs, I know that – unless I’m with a beloved partner.

I don’t know why I don’t want to tell Manny about gayday? Not sure?

SMS. 9.50am. Jamie, today I’m wrecked. Too many d’s – Christian

So, my New Year’s resolution is to not do anything that I can’t tell Manny about. (Your number 1 vow is not to lie, either directly or by omission…and you have!) In fact, it should be to not have sex with anyone but Manny. In reality, he’s all I want, need. Sex with Manny is the best! So, stop it you fool, before this gets out of hand. Just keep yourself for your beautiful boy.

Bloody drugs!

Bloody gaydar!

It’s time to keep off both. Write your emails and your journals and your other writing. (non-existent at the moment) You don’t have time for anything else. (Don’t waste time on anything else)

SMS. 10am. I have it still at Perry’s – Tom

Not long after this, I went and lay down on the couch and slept until 3pm, when Manny sat one the couch and woke me up. What a lovely way to be woken up.

SMS. 3.54pm. 2 pork roll! – Tom

Manny and I went and bought food and then visited Tom.


I didn’t quite understand Tom’s last sms until I went over to his place (Shane’s place (Hotham Street) which Tom is minding) with Manny this afternoon. Tom didn’t get home from Perry and Wesley’s until 4pm this afternoon.

The three of us chatted for a while and, of course, Tom and I had a couple of j’s. Then Manny and I went over to his place.


sorry but can you refresh my memory what was said in the last lot of emails?

Do you still work in Collins St. Melb?


Louis on his back on his couch, wearing a singlet and a a hardon and his sexy, fury arse curl into view. Then I was in him, his knees on his chest, my harden straight down into his tight hold.

His handsome face looking up at me, "Fuck me. I so want you to fuck me."

There you go, sometimes you have a win. What Louis and I were talking about in our last emails…well, you already know. The things you do on drugs? Jesus! One of my new vows must be never to email or sms whilst out of it on drugs. You (I) make very bad choices, when you (I) do.

If I just don’t answer Louis’s email, he probably won’t chase it up. Hopefully.

Why did I email him? I was just being naughty and out of it. Just wanted to tease. I had no real intentions of meeting with him. There’s some need in me to tease him for dumping me, as a sex buddy. (Not sure why) And all that business with Tim too. It’s childish and stupid I know, but there you go.

And now I just need to dump Jamie. Although, my real reason for hooking up with Jamie was, quite possibly, foremost in my head, was to have a threesome with Manny. Jamie’s half-Italian, after all. I thought Manny would like him and it is Manny, after all, who talks about us having threesomes; you know, be one step ahead. I thought Manny and I could both fuck him. Together. The thought of Manny’ cock rubbing against mine when they’re both in Jamie’s arse. Yum!

But now, you know, I’m not so sure. I rather like the idea of a monogamous relationship with Manny, even, as I’ve said before, if I don’t tell him. May be the simple life is easier.

Just maybe?

I’ve decided on a new rule for other people reading my journal, not that anyone wants to, has show the slightest interest in, let me just say. But, as the boy scouts say… And that is, no they can’t. But if someone really wants to read the journal they can, if they read the whole thing, from the first page to the last. Cover to cover, so to speak. If they are really interested in what I have to say, well, they can be interested in the whole story, the full picture.

My other rule about my journal is, never to speak of it. You know, like refer to it in any way.

I finally called Mark and Luke and spoke to Luke. They are fine, they have guests and need more sleep, but they are pulling up fine.

I’m having lunch with my mother tomorrow, after putting her off since last night. And that was even after I rang her Wednesday and she said that she had been sitting in the house for 3 days and that she was sick of it.



Well there you go. You witnessed me bare-face lie to Manny. (If you had been aware of it, that is) He caught me off guard with that one. Actually, it wasn't until after I said no to the no-sex-with-other-guys question, the first time... (I had said no a millisecond before I remembered) you know something, this suddenly makes me feel very bad, writing this. I'm going to make a cup of tea. It suddenly makes me feel like all those other miserable wretches who lead dishonest lives, who, somehow, I place myself a shelf above. Perhaps I'm really like that?

Anyway, I'm off to make that cup of tea.

You know, I started to unravel after I lied. I felt like some knitting with the end of the wool caught on a snag, as the young lady rides past on her push-bike with the knitting in her basket on the handlebars. So much so, that I wanted to get away from Manny. When we got to his place I said I had to go, I was tired. He said, don't you want to play? And I thought, no I don't. Besides, I can't kiss him or suck his cock, so who could be bothered. A little later, he stuck his hand down my pants and I forgot my resolve, but that is another story.

I've just got to stay off gaydar. It's like a take away food shop. Junk food. Too easy. Perhaps, I'm a little more precious about who I want to spend my time with – or should be. The blond bi-boy was a property developer, doll! At one stage he made some comment about property deals, or something. And I remember thinking to myself, you have to say something here to maintain your integrity. So I said, they are destroying the character of all of those beautiful old suburbs. He looked at me so dismissively and replied, you can't stop progress. It was like sleeping with the enemy, doll. It almost creeped me out.

You know, I suppose I don't see it as lying because I've never said that I was going to be monogamous and I'm not having a relationship with him, so I don't see it – there is a part of me – as lying, not wanting to share everything. Keeping stuff as my own. But that's not true – not to mention that Manny asked me a direct question – well, the direct question is the point here, hey?

Let's just say, that the sex with Manny is just the best sex. Far better than anyone else, I've had recently, certainly. (In a very long time) Quite frankly, if all the other men disappeared off the face of the earth – I'm talking about relationships from this point forward – quite frankly, I wouldn't care. Not that I'm asking for that, you understand.

And he's sweet. And he's lovely. And I like him.

Can you figure this out?

Well, can you?

Now Tim is crushing up some speed for me in the kitchen. He asked me if I want half of his rock and I said yes, without a moment’s notice.

Tim talked to me about how he and Terry are thinking of moving out. They want their own place, you know, I’ve been able to see that already.

They’ve also been feeling invaded by Tom being here a lot. Tom stays on weekends, so he doesn’t have to drive home to Dingley. But, he also takes up residence on the weekends when I’m at Bolago and it is only Tim and Terry home in Fitzroy.

The bathroom is still non-operational, and I think that is bothering Tim and Terry also, although they are not really stating it.

But primarily, they are feeling like they want a place of their own, although they don’t want to leave here, as it’s a great house.

I need to get my act together about all of the things that need to be done.

You know, a part from those pesky untruths, (refer above) I’m having a very nice life, thank you. (And, the untruths, are concerned with such boy base boy things, of which I thought I was relatively immune, I’m surprised) I have a life partner, a gorgeous boy-friend in-law, if you like. (I’m thinking what is my relationship with Luke?) And a third boy who think’s I’m one of the sexiest men around. Of course, he’s in love with me, which I hope won’t be a huge obstacle in the future. I can see/feel his disappointment sometimes, when I do all of my un-boyfriend things toward him. You know, living my life. Leaving him alone on New Years Eve. Going away to the country every weekend, to which I have subtly stated that he will not be invited.

You know, sometimes I look at Manny and it nearly takes my breath away, how beautiful he is. And it’s because he’s sweet and real and open, as much as it’s got to do with his physical beauty, which is abundant.

But you know, I think that I really mean it when I say that I will never have a live in lover again. I enjoy seeing them and then not seeing them. And then being really pleased when I see them again.

So, call it license, or having your cake and eating it too, but what else do you do with cake? But it also means that there are parts of it that I am only going to keep for myself. If the parts kept secret start to mount up, then a serious reassessment of who it is you call your love/partner/boyfriend would, of course, need to be advised. Quite frankly, I don’t know that I need to be privy to every aspect of someone’s life to fall in love with them. I could respect someone for having their life too. It kind of – I would imagine – would only help to make them more interesting, if anything at all. No, more interesting. You have got to want to be together, that’s all you need. Together because you want to be, could think of nothing nice in the world to do, as opposed to, I have to have someone in my life. Mutual attraction and respect and a natural tendency to gravitate together, that’s what’s need.

I suppose I have this idealised relationship in my head, that has laisefare rules, not structure, (and no stated commitment, but it just works out that way) but still works brilliantly, because of love, mutual attraction and respect. Being happy in your own lives, which seem to have gravitated together, despite the two (three, why not) of you.

It’s 3.30am…

You know, that I use Tom as somewhat of a confessional. We all need one person in who to confess. (I suppose it would always be someone who is not a lover, who is not one hundred per cent dependant on the outcome of the confession, like a lover always is.) Which is why I some times get cross with people who say that Tom can’t be trusted with such personal details, or however they put it. That he is a blabs. Maybe I have even said that myself, on occasion. And while it has never been denied that he loves a good gossip, as I do, he has never repeated my really personal issues, the ones involved in the continual explanation of who I am as a human being. He has never told anyone stuff I have said that has the no-discussion-beyond-these-walls tag, where it was stated or understood. No, he knows those limits.

It appears that I have formed my own smoking circle of death, tonight. (To counteract the speed?)

You know with this speed, I’m not feeling sexual at all. Apart from the fact that I had sex with Manny today, despite having a sore dick, I am disappointed in myself for all of the carry on over secrets. So it just ain’t happening. And I haven’t been on gaydar, I’ve been writing emails, instead. (If I start writing, I forget about it. Don’t think about it) To Josh, to Tom (which I have decided not to send. It was full of things that probably should only be journal entries) and Lauri. And I’ve been writing my journal, also. All simultaneously, which proved for a couple of tricky saving manoeuvres, on a couple of occasions. You know when you say, just stop, something’s wrong with this course of action, even if you don’t specifically know what it is that is wrong.

And following current policy, all texts will be checked in the morning, in a clearer state of mind, before they are sent anywhere. Heavily restricted emails and sms’ after drugs have been consumed, are now the norm. My judgement, shall we say, can prove to be less than reliable. Like I realised today, when I was driving Manny home and he was chatting to me, I can’t drive and hold a conversation at the same time, when I am stoned. Something’s just have to be accepted.

It is now 4.45am and I told mum I would come to lunch tomorrow. Oh bugger it, if I sleep in I can reschedule for later in the day.

Oh mum, I’m still catching up from New Years Eve.

Tom’s email was full of stuff about Manny, which, after I read back over it, I decided it should be just stuff for my contemplation. (It started off as a journal entry, I’ve just decided to put it back there)

It is included below.

About lying to Manny, (in my own defence) the direct question, implication maybe, was about me sleeping with someone to have contracted conjunctivitis, which I didn't. I've had this damn pussy eye for nearly a week.


I think after all of that, at the very least, I'm implementing a no wog boy, no sex policy. Well, at least it takes away enough temptation to be manageable. (or enough sex for it to always be good. real or imagined) I am allowed to have sex with other boys, but I just have to tell him. And mostly, that is for health reasons... if that is true? Yes, it is. His anxieties... mostly about getting crabs. And if you like, to be a little harsh, maybe, that is more for the reasons of vanity, crawling with bugs, (possibly a hygiene issue) than anything that may require hospitalisation. It's because he is a hairy wog boy (Yum!) (Have I mentioned that before?) who, if he gets crabs, certainly has a much more intense crab infestation, than say you or I. So I don't think I have done anything, to encroach on those understandings. (Bi-boy was hairless. Completely, except for his head. Nobody mention lice!)

And I certainly didn't catch conjunctivitis through having sex with someone. Because I didn't...

(He says quietly to self, or did I? I think there is two not fessed up to, but that's it. Honest. All the rest fessed up to, with such startling honesty, on the verge of being crewel, if a slight watering down of certain details, mostly for the reasons of brevity, did take place)

Now Tim is crushing up some speed for me in the kitchen. He asked me if I want half of his rock and I said yes, without a moment’s notice. Like a cash draw out of register. Thank you very much. (So there will be no pitiful news year’s resolutions about giving up d's, don't you worry about that.) (To tell you the truth, I just checked the time to see if it was unreasonable to ask you to take a trip to Steve's. It is 3am)

You know, a part from those pesky untruths, (refer above) I’m having a very nice life, thank you. (And, the untruths are concerned with such boy base boy things, of which I thought I was relatively immune, I’m surprised) I have a life partner, a gorgeous boy-friend in-law, if you like. (I’m thinking what is my relationship with Luke?) And a third boy who thinks I’m one of the sexiest men around. Of course, he’s in love with me, which I hope won’t be a huge obstacle in the future. I can see/feel his disappointment, when I do all of my un-boyfriend things toward him. You know, living my life. Leaving him alone on New Years Eve. Going away to the country every weekend, to which I have subtly stated that he will not be invited.

Sometimes I look at Manny and it nearly takes my breath away, how beautiful he is. And it’s because he’s sweet and real and open, as much as it’s got to do with his physical beauty, which is abundant.

But you know, I think that I really mean it when I say that I will never have a live in lover again. I enjoy seeing them and then not seeing them. And then being really pleased when I see him again. Why would I want to spoil that?

So, call it license, or having your cake and eating it too, but what else do you do with cake? But it also means that there are parts of it that I am only going to keep for myself. If the parts kept secret start to mount up, then a serious reassessment of who it is you call your lover/partner/boyfriend/buddy would, of course, need to be advised. Quite frankly, I don’t know that I need to be privy to every aspect of someone’s life to fall in love with them, now. I could respect someone for having their life too. It kind of - I would imagine - would only help to make them more interesting, if anything at all. No, more interesting. You have got to want to be together, that’s all you need. Together because you want to be, could think of nothing nice in the world to do, as opposed to, I have to have someone in my life. Mutual attraction and respect and a natural tendency to gravitate together, that’s what’s needed.

I suppose I have this idealised relationship in my head, that is lazise fare with rules, no structure, (and no stated commitment, but it just works out that way) but still works brilliantly, because of love, mutual attraction and respect. Being happy in your own lives, which seem to have gravitated together, despite the two (three, why not) of you.

It's true, I did attend the de Brant school of justification, albeit it a long time ago now.

Do you know that I am writing an email to you, Josh and Lauri, all at the same time. You gotta love that speed. (I do believe that is, given the hour, four days in a row) And there is no cutting or pasting involved, at all.

It's ironic that Manny and I said today, almost at the same time, that our favourite Randy Crawford song was, One day I'll fly away.

I went to bed at 5am.