Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Boys Boys Boys

Manny met me after work and we walked up Bourke Street together to the train at parliament.

"Why haven’t you called me?" he said.

Really? Are you serious? "Because you were doing Glen things," I said.

"So why does that stop you?" he said.

My guy declares he is going to see another guy and he asks why that my make me less enthusiastic? "Why do you think?" I said. "And you were doing Glen things weren’t you?"

"Yes," he said.

A shiver ran up my spine.

"We could still see each other."

"No, not if you are seeing Glen."

"He wouldn't have to know."

I shrugged. "You made your choice."

Luke was at home when I got there. Mark had gone to the kinesiologist. Some eye cornea, mumbo jumbo. He came home soon after. They went to Loli’s for dinner.

I went to Stella’s for dinner, with Beck and Adam, of course. Adam’s so cute. Is it wrong to perve on your straight girlfriend's cute husbands?

The littlest man, Patrick, was in bed asleep.

The house is very nice, right at the end of the Williamstown point.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Hospitals and Hot Date

Hi Christian,

Just taken Mum to the hospital – she's having an Addison's crisis, and hasn't told anyone that she's been feeling bad all day. I drove 'em to the H so that dad didn't have to – he worries so.

Anyway they are keeping her in overnight and have put her on a drip with what she needs so she should be fine.

Can I stay at yr place tonight, like last week?


What on earth is an Addison's crisis? I hope it's not serious. It sounds like some virulent, brightly coloured flowering plant that runs amuck over hills and fields. Tell her I send her all my best wishes.

Um, tonight I was planning a small rendezvous, time to move on and all that, so I'd actually like the house to myself. I hear Greeks are so last week.

Big smile


Hey Christian,

Ok no worries I hope you have a good one, in that

1: he turns up

2: he looks like his pic

3: he's good in the sack

I'm assuming it's an online thing – please correct me if I'm wrong.

Addisons is a disease around cortisol/hydrocortisone regulation, your body needs to keep the two in balance to perform about 150 normal functions, and Mum's doesn’t do that.

So she takes pills (usually 37.5mg a day) to help her, but yesterday she took 275mg (!!) and still felt bad. What is it with people – almost ten times her normal dose and she's says nothing till almost midnight!) I actually asked her yesterday if she thought she should go to the doctor and she bit my head off (apparently another symptom, short tempered-ness, I should have brooked no dissent at that point).

I was glad I was there because dad gets so scared – he was shaking and when Mum went into the bathroom to see if she needed to be sick last night, he sort of hunched over and let out little gasps. When I asked him how he was doing he straightened up and growled FINE through gritted teeth, but truly, by the time we got to emergency, he was ready to punch out someone before we had even seen the triage nurse (which took 2minutes tops).

Did I tell you the last time they had to go to Emergency, Dad was almost ejected by security for freaking out and "becoming violent"? Oh, we are a cultured bunch, we de Brants.

Anyway, she's been admitted now to find out what's going on – these things are usually brought on by some unrelated infection/problem – a bit like your T cells going down when you have an active infection. So she'll be in for a couple of days they reckon.

I was only planning on doing the Trivia thing tonight – maybe a quickie with Phil in the dunny or something as well – but somehow would rather stay at home tonight anyways.

I quite love how you don’t have to beat round bushed with me – I'll never be afraid to ask if I know that your answer can include a NO ☺

I *do* hope you have a lovely night you naughty thing. It's complete and utter revenge, I know, but good revenge nonetheless – as you said, you SHOULD just do the deed and tell him about it, and let it go from there. Of course, I'm assuming that you still haven't heard from him and that he hasn't been offed in a road trauma.

You have a good day Miss.

I'm off to RMIT soon to film a counselling roleplay. The blokey Richard and I are doing it – for me he's playing a bi man in a stable and truthful relationship with a woman, with kids too, who's just received a poz diagnosis after a rather wild holiday, and for him I'm a homeless schizophrenic in croydon in for a counselling/goal setting sesh. I'm not really in the mood, but hey, time and work stop for no man, woman or family drama.


PS hahaha @ essendon btw

I hope your mum's back on her feet real soon. Freddy going troppo in emergency doesn't bare thinking about. I suppose you are your father's son, after all. There has to be, even a hint, of that streak in him for you to have got it, I suppose.

As far as the 10 times the does, I never understand that. I've never understood the fear of doctors... Surely the fear of something being majorly wrong must be less frightening than the consequences of not doing something about it straight away and giving it your best shot to over come what ever it may be. Surely the worst diagnosis is better than the regret of not acting.

You are right, I haven't heard from Manny. He was moving house, now I think of it, but he only had to move a chair and a TV a block down the road, so I'm not paying that much credence.

If I want to be free and no strings attached, I should jolly well act that way. After all, perceptions are 9/10s of the game. Hey?


The no smoking thing was really hard last night. My body was kicking up big time in the craving department.

It's pretty full on... it hasn't got much easier, as yet. I thought it would have eased by now, but not really. I was watching purple spiders climbing the walls and green turtles hanging from their shells from the ceiling. And silver blue butterfly's flying in my peripheral vision, if I I'm wasn't concentrating.

Actually, seriously. I just got home last night and I was hungry, tired and busting to go to the toilet, when a huntsman ran across the kitchen bench and onto the floor in front of the fridge. I tried and tried and tried to pick it up with my umbrella, to pop it outside. I chased it around the kitchen for at least 5 minutes, but it just would not get onto the plastic tip of my brolly. It ran out into the atrium and next to my runners... and the next thing I knew, I had picked up a runner and was beating it to a pulp on the tiled floor.

I'm not edgy doll. I deny it, absolutely.

And my mind plays tricks on me. Ten minutes till the meeting, I'll just dash out for a cig. Oh, 5 minutes till class, I'll just have a cig. Half an hour till the movie starts, I've got time for a cig. I'd finished my dinner last night and I found myself leaning over to the coffee table for my cigarettes. Er!

Keep going Chriso, I believe in you!

Mum is staying in for a couple of days for 'tests'...

Dad's the one with the temper, I'm COMPLETELY sane and mild compared to him!

And YES, perception IS 9/10ths of reality – be single if that’s what you want.


PS Manny only owns a chair and a TV??

I farted around and did nothing.

I should have gone running, as I can feel a slight expansion happening - could that be abbreviated into ASEH and said in a voice-over advertisement voice? - around my middle, thank you Mr Nicotine. I probably only have to jog twice a week.

I ironed some shirts.

Hot date, hope it was good miss



The Little Red Man

Gisborne Street and Albert Street. Morning. Peak hour.

A pedestrian runs across the lights as the little man turns red. A car turning right continues to make it's turn despite the pedestrian. It turns slightly wider to miss the man.

"You stupid bitch," yells the man and he swings his brief case which hits the back panel of the car.

The woman driver pulls over and gets out of her car to inspect it. There is a dent in the panel work.

The pedestrian walks along the footpath toward her.

"I want your name and phone number."

"I want you to obey the road laws, but as we've just witnessed you don't always get want you want." He says dismissively as he continues past her car.

She runs around the front of her can and grabs him by the arm.

"I want your name. My car is damaged."

"Listen here rat-face, if you don't let go of my arm I will have you charged with assault."

She lets go.

"You were walking against the red man."

"I suggest you read up on your road laws."

"You have wilfully damaged my car."

"It was self-defence, you tried to run me down."

"I'm calling the police."

"Go for your life." He turns to walk away."

"I want your name..."

"You can whistle Dixie. And you'll be lucky if you're not charged with dangerous driving. I may report you..."

"I'm not giving you my name."

He looks at the front number plate. "SMK 001."

"It's not my car."

The pedestrian steps toward her. "You know something, that's the wonderful thing about the twenty first century. Self-centred, selfish and who gives a damn about the next bloke, mate. If in fact that is true, which I doubt, all I have to do is threaten the driver with dangerous driving charges and he'll whistle like a bird."

"It's my husband's car."

"Jesus, well that could prove hard to trace."


Monday, March 29, 2004

I Don't Think I'm Ready To Go Out Into Smoky Public Places, Just Yet


I wake up early, now. Although, my absolutely lovely, light as a feather, sleep seemed to last for only a day, my sleep is quite lovely. I do wake up quite refreshed. And early too.

Day light savings has finished, so the advantage of waking up early to see the glorious cloudy red sunrise, be it between two buildings, has been taken from me.

I’ve given up smoking for 6 days. It’s good, I don’t think I’ve got cancer any more. Consistently. Nearly as often as I’d have a cigarette. If for no other reason, I had to stop because of that.

But the mind does play tricks. We’d finished dinner and had ½ an hour to the movies. I’ve just got time for a cigarette. We’re having a coffee afterwards, Hm, time for a cigarette.


Hope this email finds you not too wet, and enjoying the gentle, mulch making drizzle that is refreshing and watering our fair city ☺

How was your movie Miss?

Was it fantabulous?

My date was really nice. He's a sweet guy, funny, intelligent, and a go-er in the sack as well.

He'll get another go.

Are you interested in laird trivia tomorrow night?



I'm up early these days, 6.15am this morning. Although, the end of daylight savings has taken my beautiful sunrises away.

I thought of you this morning, as I stood under the back veranda and gazed at the rain, as I ate my muesli.

It has to rain to turn leaves to mulch, you said. It will rain eventually, I said. Is that powers for good, I thought.

The movie was woefully bad. Illogical. Awful. Oh dear.

Good to hear about the date. He seemed nice.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I don't think I'm ready to go out into smoky public places, just yet. But I do want to go, it sounds like fun, maybe next week.


Of course it doesn't sound pathetic Miss.

I fully understand not wanting to be in smoky bars.

I thought of you too when I arose to the gentle sound of rain, you and your leaves were the first things on my mind ☺

And yes, Phil is nice. Quite "chunky" – but those arms and shoulders! OMG!

dog sound!




It can only be a good thing if it gets your tail wagging.

And I don't think it is offensive. In fact quite the opposite.

If he gets you bright-eyed and bushy tail and baying at the moon, he should be well pleased with that.

As well you should be.


You know, I haven't heard from Manny since Friday. I just know he has spent time with Glen and has reverted. He'll be off having a thing with Glen today.

And you know what? I'm over it. Not in a big and scary way, but the candle within is wavering in the wind of illogical uncertainty.

Time to quietly move on.


SMS. Phew! Glad 2 hear yr not smoking! Tell me if yr free 2morrow. I am still wanting some indian food – Rachel

Time to find someone who is nice, funny, smart and who gives to me. Someone who has stuff to inspire me with. Someone who makes me go "oh, okay. That's interesting."

Someone who gives me more than illogical bottom-feeder pyscho dramas. – Although, that could be said to be unfair, as Manny is trying to extract himself from a very difficult situation. {although, he did get himself into it in the first place} The full details of which I have never told anybody. The money, the gambling, the stand over men, the criminals, the jobs... the hitmen. The black market crime.

Using Glen for his money deliberately, is not the answer. It's a very imperfect answer to a very imperfect situation. And if it I could be said to be the only bright spark on Manny's horizon... and it could be said that I could show him good and normal things, if he could only extract himself from this quagmire... I'm his prince and path to normalcy... I'm getting over it. I'm approaching the end of my interest in all of this. I want a simple, happy life.

Don't fret now, but ask him what he's been doing when he does emerge...

Take it from there... I know that you *do* love him, btw ☺


I hope your day went well Christian.

Can i stay at yr place again tomorrow night?



The whole cigarette thing is a battle, tonight.

I wish I’d feel normal again. I wish that constant, unrelenting, mind tripping feeling would go away.

I don’t want to feel this way any more. How cocky was I, you feel better after 3 days, practically back to normal in 5. Jesus!

No joints, no nicotine. This is only the second time I have given up nicotine completely. Last time was the last time and I got so depressed after 2 weeks I deliberately came home and started smoking again.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Sunday, March 28, 2004

Sleeping Away Addictions

Tom went out with Phill.

I slept. Sleeping is good because of the nicotine withdrawal thing.

Mark and Luke arrived.

We went to see 50FirstDates, me, Mark, Luke and Aby. It was illogical.

Josh Gale called just before I went to bed. 

Saturday, March 27, 2004

Day 4

Miss. Good morning. How are you?
Day 4 of quitting smoking. I have to lock myself away from temptation for the weekend. I have to stay away from Bolago because of the sweeties that can be found there. I have to stay away from G, who called to say he had pot last night. I have to stick to my diet and not slide into any food substitution thing.
I think I'm going to go pump up the tyres on my bike and go for a ride.
This is a very intense, unrelenting feeling. You want it to stop, but it’s like being on one of those adrenaline pumping rides at the show. You have to sit on the edge and hang on, you have to ride it out, it won’t be over until it’s over, no matter how much you wish, you have to endure it to it’s bone rattling conclusion.
I've kind of tricked myself into liking the feeling. It actually feels like I'm tripping - it's the same body hums as that.
Unlike tripping, I'd like it to stop now.

OK miss breath deep...
Hey, I was planning on coming over round 6 to go to the footy, and coming back with Glenn before taking him off to the laird...
Was also planning at staying in yr house tonight...
Would you prefer that I didn't?

All of that would be just fine. Come stay, I'm not that precious.
I don't have to wrap myself in cotton wool, or anything.
But you will understand if you have to go outside to smoke, hey.

Thanks Christian.
I'm very happy to smoke outside, do it all the time in Ding.
See you round 6ish...
Mayhap you would like to come to the Laird with Glenn W. and I round 10.30?

Yeah, I might come to the Laird. Maybe. See how I feel. I'm feeling a little stressed and it maybe too soon to go into a smoky environment. I'll see. It'll be over in a week, certainly by next weekend.
I'm going to take myself off for a bike ride now. Exercise is the one thing that takes the gnawing feeling away.
Check out “Wog Nuts.” Twenty-year-old wog boy who wants me up his arse. It's tempting... but 20?

Yes 20yrs old, but very tasty indeed!
Ride away Miss, fresh air is good, I hear ☺

SMS. Hey Jamie, that phone number you gave me yesterday got me through to Lorna at meals on wheels – christian

Tom stayed the night. He went to the football with Glenn W. and then to the Laird.

I went and had hot, furious sex with PJ. Straight to his room, tearing each other's cloths off, on his bed on him, cuming all over each other, pulling my clothes back on over the sweat and cum on my body so much so that they stuck to me, and then leaving before he could light a cigarette.

I went to bed at midnight.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Day 3 of quitting smoking

As I got into my office today, my phone beeped a message. It was James T. He said he was just waking up as he left his phone number. I imagined him stretching in bed the sheets just covering his naked body. The phone number got me through to Lorna at Meals on Wheels, when I called him back.
Maybe a little more waking up would have been in order, Jamie, rather than staring down at your hardon.
I should be perusing a relationship with him – I don’t mean boyfriends necessarily, but some kind of relationship. He's cute and smart and funny and a horny little bottom. And I don't seem to have his mobile number. Bugger!

Lovely, lovely Friday.
My head is still spinning and my cells are still screaming from all this non-smoking nonsense. I feel semi smashed, out of it, p*ssed, zonked, whatever... withdrawal, it can be a bitch.
However, it's just better not to think about it.
Dinner last night with my mum, fitting in Manny, quite literally, he, he, in between. He met me after work and I dropped him off at Camberwell train station, after I sponged him down and like the good little boys that we are, we both headed off and visited our mum's... say hello to her for me and all that.
I'm on my own today, Beck's gone to Mauldon. So, I think a little home work is in order. Perhaps my study journal.
I had the lovely James T. call and leave me a message this morning. He said he was lying back in bed waking up as he left his phone number. (The mental picture I had was...: p) His phone number was wrong, when I called back. Bugger. There is some curse when it comes to James and me and phone numbers.
Anyway, I hope this finds you well.
I have really warm feet and slightly wonky eyesight, so there you go

Day 3 of giving up. I seem to be coping okay still. I've got it together not to substitute anything for the cigarettes. I've have stuck so far to my regular diet. No excessive coffees, no muffins, no cakes to fill in the gaps. Just an increase in water and the body woozes. My body is still buzzing, my eyesight is still affected, kind of slightly fuzzy. I feel kind of stoned in my body, so, as you can understand, I can kind of do a mental mind flip so as to enjoy it, kind of, close enough, after a fashion, just to get through it.
No bad, even if I do say so myself. Every cell in my body is still going what the! I'm kind of semi sea-sick or motion sickness effected. Vaseline gauze over my eyes and tired, a nicotine withdrawal kind of tiredness, that bit I can feel.
I have to take the diet very seriously, otherwise I'll take it up again when I get fat. And I don't mind so much taking it up again as I do mind getting fat.
I think there is going to be a few early nights over the next few days. And a bit of the hermit act, so as not to be tempted by any sweeties – that's sugary calorie type sweeties and not the XY type, you understand.
I think braking out the bike may even be in order for a wee ride. 31 degrees Sunday.

This is a very intense, unrelenting feeling. You want it to stop, but it’s like being on one of those adrenaline pumping rides at the show. You have to sit on the edge and hang on, you have to ride it out, it won’t be over until it’s over, no matter how much you wish, you have to endure it to it’s bone rattling conclusion.
I decided to stay home, lock myself away from everyone and just get through the next few days. One week and I’ll start to feel better. One week and I’m detoxed. I have to keep away from temptation, food temptation. I have to stick to a strict diet and not replace cigarettes with any sort of food, which so far I haven’t. I realise that in the past I’ve allowed myself to eat whatever I like as a reward for stopping smoking, which is precisely the wrong way to go. I have to be on an even stricter diet now, at least for the first week. At least until next Wednesday, or until the gnawing, body groaning, stops.
And this is giving up all smoking, nothing, niente. No supplementary joints to tide me over. This is no cigarettes, no marijuana. This is no smoking at all.

I lay on the couch and drank my soup and ate prunes and watched television. G called to see if I could get any pot. His phone cut out just after I told him that Perry and Wesley don’t sell it any more. He didn’t call back.

SMS. 21.05. Miss? What of you? – Tom

I fell asleep for a while and woke up with the house in darkness, not one light on. I quite like it like that. That intimate feeling of just the television lighting the world, late into the night.
I watched some Michael Douglas movie called “The Game.” It was interesting, despite having huge holes in the story line, which you could have driven his 7 series BMW through.

SMS. 24.00. (Tom) I’m doing really putrid farts – christian

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Second Day of Not Smoking

Morning Miss.

Hope you are fabulous this wonderful day!

So far so good for me.

The hunky Phil called me last night, and we are going out for dinner (!!) Monday night, to be followed by a romp at his place in Brunswick.

He's a keen kind of guy. Of course, that in itself puts me off being the cold Sydney slag I am, but I'm playing down those tendencies at the moment, and am going with "keen is lovely, keen is warm, keen is good".

He's a spunk anyway ☺

Dinner with Old Lady Fletcher tonight?


Phil sounds nice. Don't be so Sydney-jaded. It'll get you no where but alone with ya budgie!

I'm fabulous. Well! (Cross me at your peril!) Feeling edgy. Could explode at any moment, but I don't. It's good actually, the feeling that is, I like it, fool myself into liking it. 'Cause it feels like I'm... er... oh... holidaying in a club, or something. That kind of... zzzz! Complete body - every cell within - zzzzzzzzzzz!... If you get my drifteroo.


Poor old cat, he's had a good life.

You know, I'd really like to be there when his time comes, if that's all right with you.

If you wanted to be alone with him I understand that too.

Sad smile



I'd be happy for you to be there.


Second day today and I'm fabulous. Well – cross me at your peril!. I'm Feeling edgy. Could explode at any moment, but I don't, shan't. It's good actually, the feeling that is, I like it, fool myself into liking it. 'Cause it feels like I'm... er... oh... holidaying in a club, or something. That kind of... zzzz! Complete body - every cell within - zzzzzzzzzzz!... If you get my drifteroo.

Manny met me after work. We came home to Fitzroy and had sex and then I drove him to his Camberwell train station so he.

Manny says he’s not having sex with Glen for 4 weeks because of Glen’s herpes. I’m a bitch, as I thought it might make Manny’s hypochondria play up. Big smile.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Broken Door... Grrr!

The front door lock broke, yesterday, when Mark came to install the new bathroom vanity. Mark had some blue keys that he mistakenly though were new keys that I’d had cut for him – from where he got that remains a mystery. Wishful thinking, perhaps. (But Mark’s nothing, if he’s not optimistic) As he pulled the key out, having realised it was the wrong key, half way out it turned in the lock and opened the door.

But it buggered one of the pins in the lock and consequently it no longer wanted to work.

I was so pissed off with him for being so stupid, for breaking my door which I then had to get fixed.

The locksmiths didn't understand what they were playing with, yesterday, when I went back to tell them that the lock wasn't working and they seemed disinterested... I could feel the smoke starting to dribble out my ears, but they must have sensed it too. I was about to turn like a you know what?

It was such a glorious day, as I shuffled from the house to the locksmiths, that I decided to take the day off. Too beautiful, I kept thinking.

Besides, I’d given up smoking as of this morning. I’d been working up to it and there I’d done, so I didn’t want to be quite so feeble as stopping smoking makes me, at work.

I have no more vices left, smoking was the last one. A sign of getting old, to be sure.

I called Manny, but he wasn’t home.

I bought water bamboo, for the kitchen. You know, the type that just in water and will grow any where.

I had a flu shot and got my HIV test back, it was negative.

I went to the supermarket and made soup, for my strict non-smoking diet.

My cat did his dying duck routine right in the middle of me chopping carrots. So I took him to the vet, afterward shopping. (I went to the doctor, it cost me $15, Blue goes to the vet and it costs $100) Constipated again. His muscles can't cope with all his fur now. Not much pooh, but apparently, his fur winds like rope all the way down his digestive tract. He's inching closer to the big needle, the vet even gave me a preliminary chat, re ancient cats and how they can’t go on forever.

He said there was no shame in making the decision for when it suits me and not when it suits Blue. After all, we have pets all the way along to suit us.

I said I realised the time was coming. "If I can't get him to use his cat door again and to stop poohing in the house..."

"Exactly" replied the vet. "That's what I'm talking about."

So what was the first thing he did, he went straight into the front bedroom and sprayed sh*t everywhere.


I went to bed early with my head spinning from nicotine deprivation.


Tuesday, March 23, 2004


Good morning
Still thinking about Fabio.

Morning ☺
You got all day to think about it ☺

SMS. 14.35 trivia, trivia, trivia – Tom

Just had a visit from the lovely Manny. That put a smile on my face.
Poor Glen, I'm vicariously torturing that boy. Oh well. Care factor...

u meany

I win. He loses. But he's taking it hard, though. Begging, what's more. (even if I shouldn't be repeating that) Stress head, stressing out big time. I wish I had a secret camera to see the performance. Play it back. Have a knee slapping good time. (There wouldn't be any karma involved in that statement, would there?)

Monday, March 22, 2004

Monday Blues

Morning Miss,

Back to the grindstone for another week!

How dull it seems, all od a sudden, as we head into another long winter, and nothing but the same, over and over again.

Thank goodness I wasn't 'affected' this weekend, imagine how much worse it could seem!

My little jaunt last night was direct and to the point, and I was home by 8.30.

How are you today?


I'm well.

Actually, I'm not. I must have slept funny Friday night and I've had a sore shoulder, since. And I think yesterday laying on the couch for most of the afternoon, as I did, didn't help. Today I have a killer of a headache. I pushed in a couple of spots on my shoulder until I found the spot. A shooting pain went up into the back of my head, kind of in fingers, as if my head had been cupped in the palm of the hand of pain. I think I may need a little manipulation. Not that I'm trying to keep up with Mark.

It's much nicer when people just say I'm well, hey?

I should have got Manny to massage it for me last night, amongst other things. He was pretty much to the point and then home with him. I got myself some sushi on the way. Lovely. He even got himself over to my place unaided. More Lovely.

Winter in Melbourne is beautiful. Lovely sunny days with blue skies. Okay, so the Celsius isn't up to much and the wind can be a little bitey. Perhaps, we could get you a plastic bubble to move about in. Then it would be lovely, hey?


Aren't I already in a bubble?

I'm sad i missed the lovely Manny ☹


No doll. This would be a clear plastic raincoat that would button at the ankles, wrists and neck. Of course, the earmuffs and hood would be made out of yak wool, for your hypothermatic (my spell checker wanted to change this to hypodermic. Naughty spell checker) pleasure.

And you only missed Manny by a short time too.


are u at home today Miss?


Am I at home, doll?


I wondered if you were at work today, that's all.

Impatient me!

Can I stay at your place tomorrow night? Got an early start Wednesday.

I'm going tot he Laird trivia night tomorrow night - 8.30pm.

Wanna come? Apparently there's a prize!


Sure you can stay tomorrow night

You know, I should stop being a boring fart and be coerced, a trivia night would be fun.

But I did promise myself that I'd stay home this week, having been out every night last week, before I drop out of the study stratosphere.


Miss we're smart! We could win!

C'mon it could be a gas!

A cute wogboy named fabio is going to be there!


A cute wog boy - you don't play fair at all!

(Although, I'd prefer Nick, or Tony, or Angelo, just quietly)


oh so would I believe me!


Tell me Tony will be there and I'll be at your side panting. (mouth breathing till close)

I KNOW IT, I KNOW IT! YES! Another piece of pie. Woo-Hoo!

(Love a good hairy pie!) (Got no choice really)


Tim and Tony ARE coming actually ☺


Tell me Tony is going to be there sans Tim!


Although... evil grin


Actually, Tim just emailed me to cancel


I’m going to bed, to dream about Tony slipping his jocks off, slowly with a smile.




Hi Ya

Hi Christianboy,

I have been thinking about you almost all this time despite no time to write. As proof I have rediscovered the two attempted letters I started to get to you around my birthday (Ed note – his birthday is in February) but which you still haven’t got yet.

This is a real transcription from my favourite DVD, which I wrote down for you in a stonedy dazed wonder, just for you (amidst much intervening pics). Please note original typos:

Hello rescuers!

What you are doing here! How here? Colleague Not far from here is boat sank and is on inspection ride with other boat.

You are lucky I am here. Get over here.

I will give you ride

Such guy, you must have a nice body

Waw! That’s a great dick!

And its big too!

Yea. Suck it man! Suck it hard

Yes I love it.

Yes, suck it man great!

Yes I love it

Yea go on that’s it

Do you like my sucking!

love to suck!

Suck it hard

Yeah suck it man!

Yeah suck it great man!

Suck it hard.

Lick my ass! (etc)

(here it starts to get revolting so fast forward, but I imagine you’d say Oh I dunno…)

Stop you doing! Here police of Czechy Republik! What you doing? (etc)

Isn’t that lovely? I thought you could use it in your course… It moved me to tears

Despite Josh's sex being centred around his arse, he being a rather enthusiastic bottom in search of really big schlongs, as he would put it, to give it to him good… he is, actually, arse phobic. I think it is his early Christian beliefs, left over, as they always are, from some sense of obligation to older generations and their irrational Christian brainwashing. Anyway, Josh can’t speak of arses, he has never licked one and certainly has no intention of going near one. “Filth,” he says. “Revolting.” I think it is too closely related to the “abominable sin” or the unnatural practice of sodomy, as taught by whichever bigoted homophobe taught it in The Bible, or as I like to call it, The Dribble.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Writing and socialising

I worked on short stories all day. Writing, writing, writing. Yay, clever me. Don’t answer the door, don’t answer the phone. Well, of course there are a few exclusions to the list.

I met Nella at Arcadia when I went around to get cigarettes. She still has that nervous disposition, which is always fascinating and off-putting all at the same time. She’s good though, still being a bad lesbian with a boyfriend.

Tom dropped in on his way to Wet on Wellington. He was toey and practically drooling. Go Tom! He loves nothing more than getting his hands on some new boy flesh.

Manny came over to visit. Speaking of boy flesh. I kissed him, touched him and licked him all over. I like nothing more than pulling his pants off.

Saturday, March 20, 2004

A Long Spin in the Country

Up at 8am and off to pick up my niece, Lucy, to take her to little aths in Gisborne. Mum came and we drove in Gill’s Subaru. I think Gill wanted to drive the Peugeot, she took Kelly to Kyneton in it, where Kelly got a bronze medal in running.

SMS.12.20. Kaye, Benjamin, Adam, Mark coming over 4 dinner…just in case yr interested – Rachel

SMS. 12.23. I could come and stare through the window at you – christian

When Rachel reconnected with Ann and her son Benjamin, Benjamin told her that he liked to look through women’s windows at night.

SMS. 12.27. Stop it! I did laugh, almost lost my mouthful of violet crumble – Rachel

Mum, Gill and I drove to Endville. I drove there and back, just because I wanted too. And Gill read her superannuation exam book.

We ate quiche, which mum had made and which I had transported up there, before we left. Mum packed 3 packets of chocolate royals, she said we had to keep up our strength. I said we’d be having a diabetic turn after that lot.

Mum said the car was lovely and smooth and that it was nice not to be speeding along. We were sitting on 130 k’s at the time. Gill and I looked at each other in the rear vision mirror.

We had a cup of tea with Auntie Marg and Uncle Rick, who lived next door. Auntie Marg seemed a bit bitter towards mum, maybe it was because mum, essentially, turned her nose up at where they chose to live by rejecting Endville as a place to live when she moved back to the city, although that could be my imagination. I don't know.

Mum had a go at the real-estate agent Cecil, because she was determined to for some demented reason. Mostly, she asked stupid questions or said right, right, right. Then she thanked him as we left as though everything was perfectly fine.

I took mum back to Camberwell and got home to Fitzroy about 10pm. I was so stuffed I was buzzing all over.

Friday, March 19, 2004

Off to the Country

No Laird for me. Speak to you tomorrow – Tom

Beer at the Laird? – D

Dinner with Stella was postponed, as Beck’s brother had a baby and all of her relatives were coming up from Geelong.

So, I went straight up to Bolago.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Giving up Work

It's funny how when it's *my* (footy) club I can't believe how mercenary some b!tches are!!

Goodness you are a busy boy this week aren't you!

I'll see you late Saturday arvo I guess, although I have to say, I'm coming down with a cold so my attendance is not guaranteed at this point.

All snot and sneezing right now.

Telstra has been down for 2 evening in a row now – seems to dislike the 1800-2400 period – means I get study done anyway...

Well, I've popped a sleeping pill, best I let it work.

Hope yr day is grand Miss


I don't know if my attendance is guaranteed as yet, either. I might just get home Saturday afternoon and collapse in a heap. I may just prefer a cup of tea and a lie down.

Have you RSVP?

Them Saint's boys? The charge is now rape! Tst. Tst. Tst.

I tried to have this discussion with Kym last night, but I just come off sounding like a sexist bloke. I have kept mute on the subject thus far, as it tugs at my cynicism vein - which, I think we'd all agree, is quite strong - and I seem to side firmly with the boys, so I say nothing.

As for "Irreversible?" It is half an experience I would not care to repeat. We left halfway through. Horrific, is the word I would use to describe it. Although, for technical reasons, I'd like to see it again. It was told backwards. Even starting with the very end of the credits at the beginning.


Gotta go and scheme as to how I can give up work.

Wish me luck.


I think it will be quite easy for you to give up work!

Here's how!

1: take up your Mother's offer to fund your education, which or course would require you to have your mortgage payments for the next 4 years sorted out, plus living expenses.

2: find a part-time job in your current field, to provide you with your pin money – two days a week Miss, nothing more!

3: go from there!

Or perhaps i am over-simplifying...

RSVP? No, I haven't yet. I *did* peek at the invitation on your kitchen bench, which I saw was from Lisa, but I didn't take note of the return address or anything.

Perhaps I'll get geoff to give me her mobile number and I’ll give her a call...

Healthwatch - more snot, more sneezing, I don't think I'm that well at all - a cup of tea on Saturday night is almost my dream evening...

Speak soon Miss.


I think mum's offer of supporting me translates into me living with her. That's what she'd mean. Of course, that would be quite simple, I could work a couple of days a week and I've have no bills. But I'd lose my life, to a point.

It's too late for study, I'm too old.

But I could write. Kym and I went through this last night. We got back to basics and now I'm going to concentrate on writing some short stories to enter into some competitions, which is what we are taught all through our course. It's the accepted path for writers.

And I'll go from there.


Well what the h3ll kind of offer is that??

Ok well forget that then, though I contest your assertion that you are too old to study. I can see you in a private practice, sharing your wise counsel with the less intelligent. But hey, that's my vision,

not yours.

Yes, enter competitions, get your name out there, win prizes, get published, do what it takes.

And keep buying those Lotto ticketes of course!

Love ya Miss.


Realistically, if I did a 3 year degree I'd be into my forties before I finished and nobody is going to give me a job. Of course, I would get a job, an entry level job and I'd be earning probably less than I am now. I'd never – most likely – ever get to the level of earning a huge amount of money as there would be twenty years of younger people below me who'd get the jobs a head of me. That is the reality of the 21st century workplace.


In some fields age lends gravitas Miss, don't you know that?

And stay tuned for affirmative action for the age(d).


Thanks for that.

RSVP to what though??? I only saw the invite yesterday!

I'm hoping I'll be right to go – feel alright with a couple of cold and flu's today.

Did I tell you I'm becoming the godfather of Allison's son on Sunday? She's having Megan baptised to get them into the local Catholic school, apparently Sandringham Primary is a bit rough!



Wednesday, March 17, 2004


Went to see Irreversible with Kym. It was very interesting, as it was told backwards, starting with the end credits.

But, it was half an experience I would never care to repeat. We walked out half way through. It was just horrific. And that was even before we got to the rape scene. The images from the gay guy getting his head caved in with a fire extinguisher may never leave me. We got to the infamous rape scene and Kym and I looked at each other and both said we didn't want to see it.

But fascinating in the fact that it was told from the end, backwards. The cinema staff said that we should stay as after the rape scene it becomes the most beautiful love story.

Ah, no thanks.

What Am I Doing?

good morgen

Hope this finds you even more chipper than you were yasrerday... or at leats not hungover!

my *big* day today, and Friday is one too actually, which is rather unwise surely.

However, Mondays and Tuesdays are easy days this semester, which is perhaps more wise than I would wish, although with my current 'goodness' Tuesdays have not yet been an issue.

Goody to Silvia Romero's!

Gonna get her anything as a gift?

I *might* have a nap at yr place between uni and work – hope that's okay ☺


I'm good. Chipper. Smiling, albeit it a little flaky... Mediterranean beard graze – but it was good, so what do I care. Big smile.

Two and a half hours on the phone to Rachel last night. And then off to Ascot Vale.

I sms'd Stuart about selling the Rover, but didn't get to answer his sms as I was blabbering on the phone to Rachel.

Ah… that boy in a towel... (Hommer Simpson drool) sexy Stuart… but I digress.

I had a ciggie with Adriana on my way to work. She's got more blonde streaks in her than is respectable.

A gift for Silvia, mmmm? What to get? Who has time?

Do you know what I have to do in the next few days. Dinner and Irreversible tonight with Kym. Dinner with mum Thursday. Dinner Friday night with Stella, Beck and Adam. Drive to Bolago afterwards. Saturday morning 9am pick up my niece in Kyneton and take her to little aths. After which I'm driving with mum and Gill to the country for a house inspection. Drive back to Kyneton, drive mum back to Camberwell. Fitzroy. Silvia's.

I still haven't picked my car up from Altona. He'll treat it as an abandoned car soon.

And I have a mountain of study I'm just not getting to.

I need to stop work.

Speaking of which, I told mum about the new computer systems we've been looking at at work and how I reckon in a few years they could replace me. She thought about it, as mother's do and has since said that I should go back to uni, she'll pay my uni fees and keep me while I study. Nice thought, hey?

But, I reckon I should seriously think about giving up work... to write. If I don't do it now, I never will.

Nap away sweet thing.


Breaking news…. Saint's sex scandal


Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Cheating With My Own Boyfriend

Manny came into see me after work, he said he had something to tell me that was going to break his heart.
I’m going out with Glen, he said. He’s going to give it a go. He and Glen have things in common. Illness. etc. (Glen’s money… I’m such a bitch)
Glen encouraged him to come and see me, to give me the news. I bet! The only time ever, and the first and last time, Glen will encourage such things. After this I am banned, black listed, Manny isn’t allowed to see me. I’m number one enemy who Glen is jealous of.

I have no doubt that he encouraged you to come and see me.

So Glen (thinks he) wins. Oh, I can just see him with his miss-placed pride with Manny as his boyfriend – telling people Manny is his boyfriend. Er!

But Manny said that he loved me, I told him that I love him too.

Don’t you go getting herpes – Glen has them up his arse. I don’t want you to have spots, I said. Manny asked me if they could spread. Maybe, I said. I don’t know. But they are contagious if they are obvious.

Glen told Manny that he thinks that I spied on him and Julien having sex. Jasus! The last two people I’d want to see having sex, I replied. It simply is not true. (Where on earth that came from I don’t know. And where was it to have supposed to have happened!)

I spoke with Rachel on the phone for two hours.

And then… Manny called at 10pm to say he’d just got home from Glen’s and did I want to go over.
I was still talking to Rachel and said I’d call him back.
He was going to have a shower.
When I called back he said I thought you’d be halfway here. See you in fifteen minutes. Because he was so definite about it, took away my chance to procrastinate, if you like, I went over.

So, I think, Manny thinks he can go out with Glen and see me behind his back, that's what it amounts to. Nothing really changes except the titles we each have.

Who Is This Boy... Having Tests... And Hairy Cracks

Out drinking on a Monday night?!

That's barely respectable for a step-grandmother! And who is this boy, the writer of whom you texted late last night?

Tell me Miss, tell me all!


Oooh and I hope you aint hungover!

Oh, I'm a little foggy granny dear. (Two panadol down) (Why didn't I take those Mersyndol before I left home?)

Yes, staggering up Smith Street on a Monday night at midnight, is not a good thing. Whoosh, whoosh.

Nothing to report on the boy front. Just a nice, intelligent, funny, charming, interesting conversationalist, who is cute, who writes plays and who lives in Smith Street too. So nothing of much interest there, as you can see.

(Although, he did invite me to his yum-cha birthday in a few weeks)

Big smile.


PS. I will be going to Silvia's birthday Saturday night.

Mark called me to tell me he has appendicitis, the beginnings of rheumatoid arthritis, that his blood pressure was very high and he is being checked for kidney damage as he shouldn’t have been taking his blood pressure tablets with his arthritis tablets.

I was upset about this all day. You know when that gnawing starts in the pit of your stomach.

Stella told me this morning that she told Adam that he had a hairy crack. I told her that he is supposed to, he's a boy after all. I'd never thought about Adam's crack before, but I'm sure it would be all right, he’s a nice looking boy. Girls shouldn’t encourage gay boys to think about their husbands in such a way. 

Crack Wax


Stella wants to know if it is a painful experience getting your crack waxed?


Hey Christian,

I don't recall it being painful.... More humiliating for a minute, crouching on top of a table holding your own ass cheeks apart in front of a woman... She quickly relaxed me by telling me she had worked in the cross for 15 years and had waxed everything... And she meant everything.... Not a pretty visual picture recently performed post-op trannies. My cute little beaver must have seemed like a spring walk in a park.

Apparently the really painful one is the sac wax. Don't let an armature perform this one. Very painful.

Love Shane


One may wonder why Stella would be asking. But I figured it was probably best not to ask. (Would have nothing on those post-op trans, let me tell you)

He, he.


Lets just say curiosity!!!!!


So how hairy is Adam's Crack......?

If it is so he can wear his board shorts so they appear to only be hanging off his cock, it's a good look and I encourage all good looking straight boys to do it.

There are other good reasons for having it done besides the obvious hygienic ones.......

Love Shane.

I don't know how hairy it is, but I wonder if he knows it's getting waxed.

You know, straight girls shouldn't encourage their gay friends to think about their husbands in such a way. I've never thought about Adam's crack before, but when he came into the office to pick Stella up, I couldn't help but look at his hot arse, really for the first time with intent.

Love a good hairy crack.


Poor bastard....Sounds like he (Adam) is in for a nasty surprise.  I can just see the glint in Stella's eyes... That little bit of NASTY..

Have you heard the most fabulous news EVER!!!!!!!

Bobby's in Jail and Whitney has gone into REHAB!!!!!!!!

It tell you it's the beginning of the big come back.....I just hope she doesn't find jesus on the road and go too gospel on us.  Although we could always just show here photos of bobby getting done in the jail to bring back a little bit of NASTY.


Monday, March 15, 2004

Being Set Up By a School Chum

I went to school and then went drinking with Alex (girl Alex, from school) and her missus afterwards and met the lovely Julian, who Alex was suggesting to me was very nice. And he is.

Yes, very nice, and while he was lovely and attentive, that's all he seemed to be. Should have I hit on him, is that what Alex meant, I don't know. 

Ah yay to true love and true lust…

He waved me good bye when I left, so I'm not really sure if he was keen, or not. Was he? I don't know? He could have showed more interest that a friendly passing, otherwise who is to know what he was thinking?

And here’s to lovely boys like the one I’ve just met. A budding playwright no less. Yes, Alex he was very nice, but that's all there seemed there was...

And now that I am half tanked, I'm going to bed alone.

I wondered what Alex had said to him?

Should I have clubbed him and thrown him over my shoulder and carried him home? Nyr! Chuckle. Maybe? Slapping his arse as we headed home?

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Try Reading The Book! Interminable!

I hope you had a lovely weekend in the country – and wasn't yesterday just the most gorgeous day?!

I had a drink with Julien and Harry last night. Julien looked very well, and was quite happy. He's working with Sebastian at some place in Camberwell and enjoying the busy-ness of it. Splashing cash around too, so I *think* that must be a good thing in that at least he's got some.

I saw Perry and Wes yesterday - they were in fine form. They've finished with Twif - not selling any, or her wares, anyway. While they are happy for her to visit them, they aren't interested in moving her on to other people any longer. That must be good for us!

Anyways, I hope you had a gorgeous walk into work today, and that all is well in your world.

Hey, Silvia Romero’s thing is on this weekend I think?

Are you going to go?


I went to see Visconti's "The Leopard." It was hacked to pieces by Hollywood originally and this is the first time it has been shown in it's original length and entirety. It was beautiful, the villa's, the banquets, the scenery, all unbelievable. Surprisingly, the Sicilians, so-so. But 3 hours of subtitled vintage Italian film, in which nothing much really happens, made it feel like the longest film in the history of cinema.

I think I'm going to take myself off to "Irreversible" the violent French film depicting a nine minute rape scene, shot in one unyielding long shot, Tuesday night. Apparently, it's amazingly confronting, as one would expect. I need to pick up my film watching, if I want to be standing on the stage at Cannes one day accepting an award for best film script.

I nursed me (step) grandson on Saturday night, he's a very cute little gooma. We lay in the chair together, him on my chest sleeping. He's so little and seemingly delicate and quite beautiful, I must say. Little fingers, little nose, little blue eyes. He felt so warm wrapped in his stars adorned – natch – bunny rug. I'm sure babies are like cats and dogs in the lowering of the old blood pressure. I could almost feel a quiet celestial hum.

I got home yesterday at about 2.30pm and yes it was beautiful, indeedie.

Good for Perry and Wesley, may they live long and prosper.

I'm not going to Silvia's, bugger it. I (boo-hoo) have a previous engagement.


Yeah babies are very peace-making...

You thought The Leopard film was bad, try reading the book! Interminable!

What's ya previous engagement for Lisa's?


I wouldn't say the film was bad. Just long. Oh! So long. Quite camp though, 60's Italian.

My previous engagement was that I have agreed to drive mum to the country to do a house inspection. Apparently, I agreed to a stop over. For the life of me, I can't remember why. However, I'm in negotiations. But it is 3 hours up and 3 hours back. I'll keep you posted.



Saturday, March 13, 2004

At The Footy

 At the footy WOOF! – Tom

Friday, March 12, 2004

Wanna Come?


Thanks for the OK words last night - thank the goddess that I had an easy day, fun with the kids in the sunshine, then the Opening of the Queer Film Festival, which was very amusing.

Hey, are you doing anything tonight

D is talking about going to the Laird. Wanna come?

Are you going to Bolago this weekend?

Want me to feed Blue if you are?

I'm off to the footy tomorrow night! I hope that you're barracking for St Kilda!!

Love ya


I haven't quite decided what I'm going to do tonight. (I've got today to get through first. Actually, I reckon that was yesterday. It's all over now except the shouting and the scratching)

D sent me a message about the Laird, and I thought about asking you know who, but that's as far as I got.

Mark has asked me to go to Bolago... maybe.

But I still have the bathroom to do some stuff on, which, somehow, I haven't done yet, with all my good intentions and all?

And I haven't done any of my writing for weeks, not sure why. And if I aspire to be rich and unemployed one day, a tattslotto win withstanding, it's about my only hope. He, he.



I say a couple of hours at the pub never hurt anybody!

Can I park in your backyard perchance?


You can park in my rear.


great can i drag you out to my front as well then?

i've had enough of this, your coming!

over and out see you round 9 for a 10pm departure


(Ed note 2011 - why was I such a rubbish friend? I was always saying no or maybe when I should have said yes. What the hell was wrong with me? Tom was always up and positive and ready to have fun. I was always standing back, when I should have been stepping forward. I'm an idiot!)

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Love, Loss, Sadness, Grief...

 God it’s a funny thing and sometimes it’s so full on...

In my Social Work workshop today, we looked at loss and grief for lesbians and gays, particularly around the tensions between families and surviving lovers and all that shit...

Love, loss, sadness, grief...

It was near the end of the class, and we'd already talked about HIV, where I 'came out' as Poz, which was big in some ways...

Anyway, we watched then watched this excerpt of a film about a lesbian who loses her lover of 30 years in car crash (!!), and I tell you, it was all I could do to keep it together...

Then my tutor must have seen a sheen in my eyes and bloody asked me if I was all right, and I just sort of choked out "I have to go..." and picked up my bag and fled...

Then, when I got home tonight I realised that my notebook containing all my notes of this year was under my chair when I left...

I'm sure someone will pick it up (I hope!!)...

Ahhhh, I can smile a little now, having not thought of Anthony for a long time, then with a smile last night, and then to be brought back to a pain that just seems to be fresh and raw every time I feel it...

I guess it's good that I don't feel it that often, but I wonder, how can I transform this weight, this sadness, this pain, into something I can bear...

Or maybe this is bearing it, I don't know.

What I DO know is that now I feel needy, and just wish I had someone to hold me, to rub my head, to be with me, to share it all with... to tell me that one day it will be okay... that's it's okay now...


I hate it!

Life... always full of surprises hey ☺

Anyway, moving on...

I hope you had a good night at school Christian.


It'll be okay


Wednesday, March 10, 2004

And the New Boyfriend's Name Is....

It will be a great day. Middle of the week. Just two days to go. Woo-Hoo! Then it's the weekend, where anything is possible and may be it might happen.

Do you have any preferences for names? Remember, if it's going to be forever, then maybe you don't want to fall for a Cyril or a Mergatroid.

Just put that name in your head... in the Venus fly trap... or should that read Martian fly trap, that is your mind.

I reckon it should be that easy.

Failing that you'll need a strand of his pubic hair, a Lotus blossom, the wedding ring of his grandmother, the foetus of his sister's first born and a mushroom from the highest point of an east facing hill.

Of course, that brings us back to the central question... who is he?


I got home from work at about 8pm, ate dinner and fell asleep on the couch until 10.30pm, then I staggered off to bed still half asleep.


You are very cute Christian, really you are.

A simple name will do, with no more than 7 letters, and no inappropriate y's ie: Jayson

Hmmmm I *am* so fond of the name Jason...


Thanks for bringing a smile to my dial ☺

Love ya


Tuesday, March 09, 2004

I Haven't Moved in Thirty Years

I went to mum’s for dinner and delivered Fred back to her. He scampered up the front steps with his tail wagging.

My brother William called me yesterday and left a message for me to call him. I didn’t call until today and spoke to his wife Wendy. Apparently, Auntie Leonora called looking for mum, mum's older, bitch sister. We all shake when we hear her name mentioned. She is a witch.

Everybody wants to know what Leonora wants, including Beck and Stella at work. I must be the biggest blabbermouth in the world, no really. Funny, I'm a bit stand-offish with most people, but the people I know well, blabsmagore.

All except mum, Lottie couldn't have cared about Leonora.

“I’m not going to be too concerned about what she wants. If she wants to call me, she can call back. I haven't moved in thirty years. Tea?”

Manny is Nice

And Manny is nice too... Inside and out...all of him.

The rest of him pretty much matches what you see. I couldn't name a bad bit.

YUMMO, indeedie!


We fell asleep in each other's arms watching The Mummy Returns on Sunday night. We even woke up at the same time... and hugged and gazed at each other.

He's really so easy to be with. We just chill and hang out. No stress.

He now says... blah, blah, blah, since you're not my boyfriend... (cute laugh) even though you are. (I suppose I kind of like it, even if I didn't really want to be back there so soon. Oh well.)

I may have been steered down the monogamous road unwittingly, but I don't care, really. For now. Maybe I won't care... ever. It's just kind of happened that way.


I think YOU think too much about monogamy and stuff like that – forget about labels, I say, just let it be what it is...

love ya


True. And I am. Mostly I just like it, no over processing. It is what it is. In fact, it's me saying that to Manny mostly – lets not try and call it something.

I just get the feeling, maybe it's just perception, that he wouldn't be too pleased if I had sex with someone else now. As I don't really want to, I don't worry about it. But am I allowing something to be created that may come back and bite me one day? I don't know, and right now I'm not thinking about it.


This is not thinking about it??

Try harder ☺

Let it be what it will, Manny's 'perceptions' are not really within your control...

And Christian, I KNOW you, and I don't think you *do* want to have sex with someone else, so what's the problem?

I think going out with someone who was sexually compulsive has overblown the importance of all this for you ☺

I don't *think* I'm projecting there...own it if it fits, throw it away if it doesn't.

I've been really good today – I've turned down TWO boys (different) in monogamous relationships...

who I had a drink with on Sunday night..


who happens to be the BF of Dave, a guy I did a couple of times last year...

I think it's getting time for ME to have a boyfriend, you know.

It's not that I'm tired of being single, not at all actually (evil giggle), but I *would* like someone to look at me, see me, and say to me "yes I will settle for you, WITH you".

That would be nice.

Oh yes, someone I could feel the same way for of course!

It was really good how it happened with Anthony Orontello. The thought, the idea, hadn't entered my head, and when he said it all, everything inside me just said YES.

And monogamy, polygamy, none of it was even an issue (hehehe not that we had time)

It was that easy.

I want that again.

Wish it for me?

Love ya


I do wish it for you. BIG WISHES!

It's funny you talk about Anthony, as, for some reason, I don't know why, he has been in my head today.

Funny hey?


yeah funny

but not at all sad, which is nice ☺

it's our "falling in love" anniversary now that I think of it, mardi gras and all... its nice to smile about it ☺


Sunday, March 07, 2004

Home Again

Manny left a message in the morning. I can’t wait for you to come home tomorrow.

We walked along the beach and Fred played with the other dogs that were enjoying the sand and the sun, well, almost sun.

I left Phillip Island around midday, Tom seemed to want to go home. Besides, the island was full of people and to attempt to get off tomorrow would have been tortuous.

Manny was going to come to Phillip Island, but he wanted to get three days of gym in over the long weekend. I called him at four to say I was home.

“Well, get your arse over here,” he said. So, I did.

Saturday, March 06, 2004

Down Phillip Island with Tom

I went down to Phillip Island with Tom. We zoomed down with the sunroof open, with the sun shining through. So much so, that Fred, the dog, got down into the foot well to escape its rays. We had to pass six cars at a time as we got closer to the island as the dumb fucks all cluttered together doing 80ks, seemingly happily. I hate that. When I say to myself, don’t make me pass all of you at once, I know that’s exactly what I have to do.

We went straight to the beach as soon as we got there and walked along the water. It was nice. 

We ate pizza from the main street, and drank beer and watched the St.Kilda (Tom's team) vs. Essendon (my team) match, the semi-final of the Wizard cup. Unfortunately, St.Kilda won.

I got a message on my phone, Dolly Parton singing, Baby I’m on fire. (from Manny) It made me smile. Paul even commented, as he watched me listening to the message.

Too cute, by half," Tom said.

"Isn't it," I said.

Friday, March 05, 2004

Walking to Work

As I crossed Albert Street, thinking of the woman who nearly ran me over there a few weeks ago, I heard a toot. I looked around dismissively and then looked back to where I was heading, catching a rainbow coloured sign in the corner of my eye as I did. It was smiling Perry who pulled over and offered me a lift. I actually like walking in the morning - besides the traffic was heavy on Albert Street - so I declined. But we had a lovely chat for a few minutes before we both headed on our way.

The purple and white Petunias are gorgeous at the moment in the Parliament Gardens, growing around the base of the new Jacaranda Trees. They will be beautiful when they grow to maturity, forming an avenue with the existing mature Jacarandas. I can't help wondering why they weren't planted years ago.

As I rounded the corner into Spring Street, looking to see what fancy car was parked in front of the Princess this morning - new Bentley, old Bentley, Mercedes sports - I could see why the traffic was banked back, a Toyota ute had been sandwiched between a tram and the concrete tram stop at the corner of Bourke Street. I winced as I looked to the driver seat, but fortunately nobody was trapped inside. Well, that's the end of that Toyota, I thought.

It was a cool morning thankfully after the last couple of really hot days. I love the cool of the day following hot weather.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Monday, March 01, 2004

You Gotta Laugh

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the stories of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking guys who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I prefer playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a shop that sold a variety of sweets and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beetroot-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on to him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between shopping errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny, my 3 year old, had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

'No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their burgers laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple nearby made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story.......

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!