I Don't Think I'm Ready To Go Out Into Smoky Public Places, Just Yet

6.30am

I wake up early, now. Although, my absolutely lovely, light as a feather, sleep seemed to last for only a day, my sleep is quite lovely. I do wake up quite refreshed. And early too.

Day light savings has finished, so the advantage of waking up early to see the glorious cloudy red sunrise, be it between two buildings, has been taken from me.

I’ve given up smoking for 6 days. It’s good, I don’t think I’ve got cancer any more. Consistently. Nearly as often as I’d have a cigarette. If for no other reason, I had to stop because of that.

But the mind does play tricks. We’d finished dinner and had ½ an hour to the movies. I’ve just got time for a cigarette. We’re having a coffee afterwards, Hm, time for a cigarette.

Mornin'

Hope this email finds you not too wet, and enjoying the gentle, mulch making drizzle that is refreshing and watering our fair city ☺

How was your movie Miss?

Was it fantabulous?

My date was really nice. He's a sweet guy, funny, intelligent, and a go-er in the sack as well.

He'll get another go.

Are you interested in laird trivia tomorrow night?

xTom

Mornin

I'm up early these days, 6.15am this morning. Although, the end of daylight savings has taken my beautiful sunrises away.

I thought of you this morning, as I stood under the back veranda and gazed at the rain, as I ate my muesli.

It has to rain to turn leaves to mulch, you said. It will rain eventually, I said. Is that powers for good, I thought.

The movie was woefully bad. Illogical. Awful. Oh dear.

Good to hear about the date. He seemed nice.

I know this sounds pathetic, but I don't think I'm ready to go out into smoky public places, just yet. But I do want to go, it sounds like fun, maybe next week.

christian

Of course it doesn't sound pathetic Miss.

I fully understand not wanting to be in smoky bars.

I thought of you too when I arose to the gentle sound of rain, you and your leaves were the first things on my mind ☺

And yes, Phil is nice. Quite "chunky" – but those arms and shoulders! OMG!

dog sound!

xT

WOOF WOOF

Tom

It can only be a good thing if it gets your tail wagging.

And I don't think it is offensive. In fact quite the opposite.

If he gets you bright-eyed and bushy tail and baying at the moon, he should be well pleased with that.

As well you should be.

christian

You know, I haven't heard from Manny since Friday. I just know he has spent time with Glen and has reverted. He'll be off having a thing with Glen today.

And you know what? I'm over it. Not in a big and scary way, but the candle within is wavering in the wind of illogical uncertainty.

Time to quietly move on.

christian

SMS. Phew! Glad 2 hear yr not smoking! Tell me if yr free 2morrow. I am still wanting some indian food – Rachel

Time to find someone who is nice, funny, smart and who gives to me. Someone who has stuff to inspire me with. Someone who makes me go "oh, okay. That's interesting."

Someone who gives me more than illogical bottom-feeder pyscho dramas. – Although, that could be said to be unfair, as Manny is trying to extract himself from a very difficult situation. {although, he did get himself into it in the first place} The full details of which I have never told anybody. The money, the gambling, the stand over men, the criminals, the jobs... the hitmen. The black market crime.

Using Glen for his money deliberately, is not the answer. It's a very imperfect answer to a very imperfect situation. And if it I could be said to be the only bright spark on Manny's horizon... and it could be said that I could show him good and normal things, if he could only extract himself from this quagmire... I'm his prince and path to normalcy... I'm getting over it. I'm approaching the end of my interest in all of this. I want a simple, happy life.

Don't fret now, but ask him what he's been doing when he does emerge...

Take it from there... I know that you *do* love him, btw ☺

xT

I hope your day went well Christian.

Can i stay at yr place again tomorrow night?

xT

23.15

The whole cigarette thing is a battle, tonight.

I wish I’d feel normal again. I wish that constant, unrelenting, mind tripping feeling would go away.

I don’t want to feel this way any more. How cocky was I, you feel better after 3 days, practically back to normal in 5. Jesus!

No joints, no nicotine. This is only the second time I have given up nicotine completely. Last time was the last time and I got so depressed after 2 weeks I deliberately came home and started smoking again.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!