I’ve got nothing in the house. No food. Not even muesli. I just can’t face the supermarket. My head was pounding, well, aching, so it was two Mersyndol and coffee instead. I’ve already eaten half the box since I got them. I still reckon the more I take, the more headaches I’m susceptible to. I’ve had more headaches since I bought them than in the last two or three years.
Good trick pharma companies, if that is true? (I think eventually I will decide that that may, in fact, be true. I stopped buying them, and my migraine's stopped. Although, my doctor says it is quite common to grow out of migraines)
So, I sat here, for an hour this morning, writing until at 8.30am the hunger pains just got too much.
Suddenly, I remembered the bakery, at the same time thinking about my fat stomach, and thought about the sweet bread they sell. I so wanted the orange and walnut flat bread thing they do, but I got blueberry and rhubarb, instead. Two pieces.
I will exercise soon.
The girl behind the counter, at the bakery, undercharged me. I was past the point of being able to leave, I could have just walked out, but my struggling honesty gene kicked in. "Er?" Random acts of kindness. Goodness. Honesty. Integrity. “That can’t be right. It has to be more?”
I wanted to go to Bolago to see Jay. I was touched when Mark said he wanted Jay to know me.
I didn’t want to go out tonight and take drugs with Tom. I have the biggest week of my working year coming up this week. But I did promise.
Subject: Saturday morning tra la la
Morning.
What a fucking freezing morning it is too!
Dinner was good last nite except St Kilda lost! The fucking pussies!
So, we have pills and a point of meth for tonight!
Woohoo!
xT
Subject: Saturday morning tra la la
I've got nooooooo food in the house. I remembered the bakery and stepped out into G. Street and thought I was going to die right there on the spot. Snap frozen. All that would have been needed was a snap-lock bag.
Christian
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
I want us both to go on to be famous. So when you're a famous sociologist and I'm a famous writer, we can tell stories of our life together. Regale the public with shocking truths. Usher in a new era of love and liberalism. Single-handedly and together.
Christian
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
And then sit back as old men and go tisk, tisk, tisk, at the conservatism of the younger generation – that would surely follow – as they are taken with conservative hate and fear.
Christian
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
Can you tell I’m onto my third joint?
Christian
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
Reasonably famous would be okay.
I don't want britney kinda famous – too much hassle.
xT
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
Maybe, but the ones after them will be rad again
Tom
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
No I can’t actually but lucky you – wot a good idea i say!
Tom
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
Famous like Germane Greer
Christian
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
Beau's puffing away with me. He fits in well
Christian
Subject: Dreaming tra la la
Ah, the circle of life...
Christian
Beau put on Yellow Brick Road. I suspect there might be quite a lot of depth to Beau. He’s smart and funny and he can be camp without losing any masculinity. He’s such a boy. Liking great music from an era other than your own, is a sign of interest in life.
Tim and Beau have left for the day.
It’s really cool to be listening to Elton John in the back ground, for a change.
Ah yes, my second slice of sweet bread. Where did I discreetly deposit it? No, I wouldn’t say that I hid it. I felt stupid not to have thought to buy Tim and Ben a piece each. I put it out of sight.
From hd&t hi
From christian hello
From hd&t just chk'd msg, what're ya up to mate? looking?
From christian Oh, I was until I had my second joint. Now, I'm going back to bed.
From hd&t FUCK! SAY HI AGAIN HEY?
From christian What?
From hd&t IF YA SEE ME ONLINE, MSG ME. MAYBE HOOKUP?
From Christian Cool, I will. You've given me a hard-on. And my head is spinning. That can't be good for my blood pressure?
From hd&t NEITHER WILL I....
Is this boy on drugs? What the? What a body? Fucken hot? Nice cock! I’m home alone. What is wrong with me? But what he said just didn’t make any sense?
From Christian I'm going to go and have a wank. Pity we haven't got web-cam
From hd&t WOULD LOVE TO COME OVER AND SUCK YOU OFF
From Christian Where are you?
From hd&t FOOTSCRAY
Just have sex with him, you idiot. Oh, who can be bothered? I’ve got just enough dope for another joint. And I can turn porn off as soon as I’m done. Besides, I put my tooth through my lip, yesterday. It hurt like hell, big gash. Blood. Gruesome! It still hurts.
I put Joe Cocker on.
From Christian Another time, sure. You so make me want to have my cock sucked.
From hd&t SWEET! LATER MATE!
It’s 11.11.
I wish Manny would drop in. I said to him on Monday, when he called to talk dirty because he was horny and wanted his cock played with, to come over. He said he couldn’t, but it is in his head. He’d stray from Johnny, he’s a boy, after all. I want to go back to being monogamous sexy buddies with him. How I’d like to put my hand down his pants. A twenty five year old is too young for him. You have to learn to demand sex, it comes with age. It takes a life time…ironic, really. They’d be at different levels, sexually. A twenty five year old would never be able to keep up with Manny. Peaks and troughs. Twenty year old is at a peak, so they say, but not across it all, not really. Still with guilt and shame that society gives them.
It doesn’t quite add up wanting to be a monogamous sex buddies with someone who’s positive. Kind of defeats the purpose. Negates the benefits. I can never ditch the condoms with him.
J number three.
Subject: good taste
Oooh I like him already!
Hi Ben!!
Just invested 75K for six months!
Tom
Subject: good taste
Well done.
Christian
I want to call Manny and talk dirty to him. Get him hard, make his breathing change, his voice drop to its sexy, turned on baritone, even just over the phone it’s sexy. I like him with a hard-on. But I can’t. Johnny might be there. It wouldn’t be fair.
I’m going to go watch bi-porn. It gets me so hot seeing a chick get really well fucked by a hot guy! I guess it’s the straight boy straying thing, too.
Another song for my funeral, When the night comes.
A song for my soul mate and life…
A song for Mark.
Subject: good taste
yes well gotta do something with it...
centrelink is gonna be up my arse about it soon though
Tom
I would say to Tom to put it into my name. It makes sense. But who wants that trouble.
He could pay it off my mortgage. We could get an independent accountant to work out what interest Tom would have got and I could pay him that. (And whatever legal documentation that would be required)
But, if it has taken me to whatever page number this is in this journal, such well intentioned gestures can turn into pooh quicker than you can realise.
But, if Tom suggested it… maybe it would be different. Probably not. (Them {mother’s family} have a lot to answer for, or to be thankful to) But that’s completely off his own bat. I will never breathe a word of it to anyone. None of my friends could be trusted with such information, idea, as well intentioned, or not, as they may be. Ironically, Tom is the least able to be trusted with such information. He’s the original meaning behind loose lips, I’m sure. I’m good at not blabbing when I truly know I shouldn’t. It’s the Virgo in me; steely resolve when the best is known.
He’s already noted the truth behind Ab’s departure, after I had kept it from him, deliberately. My drug taking with Tim. I didn’t tell him until Thursday. Deliberately. He was right on it.
“It would have been really funny if Ab hadn’t moved out on the first night.” (after that Bacchanalian pill orgy that the rest of you had) He said with a feline smile. (truth is, I know that smile… said the spider to the fly. So I had an opportunity to {attempt to} shut him up completely and I didn’t take it) So, Ab now knows, I can be as sure as that as the meaning of life. (It’s a very similar look to Tom’s realisation that someone has said yes to drug taking. “Do tell me more.” Often with a hand wring. But it is different and shouldn’t be confused) Tom is a terrible gossip. The worst. As bad as Mark. Ironically. He would have Miss Jessup'd over the back fence to Ab by now. Absolutely!
Now where did I put that hot porn?
It’s midday.
Joe’s singing, I can get by with a little bit of help from my friends.
I need someone to love.
Grope, on a regular basis.
I need someone to kiss. I love that the best.
I just tried to sing, When the night comes, without warming up and I’ve hurt my voice. It’s sore.
I couldn’t resist the deliciousness of not sharing my description of Tom with him. And it was my response to his last email.
Subject: good taste
Here’s an excerpt from my journal.
Ironically, Tom is the least able to be trusted with such information. He’s the original meaning behind loose lips, I’m sure. I’m good at not saying when I truly know I shouldn’t. It’s the Virgo in me; steely resolve when the best is known.
He’s already noted the truth behind Ab’s departure. After I had kept it from him, deliberately. My drug taking with Tim. I didn’t tell him until Thursday. Deliberately. He was right on it.
“It would have been really funny if Ab hadn’t moved out on the first night.” (after that Bacchanalian pill orgy that the rest of you had) He said with a feline smile. (truth is, I know that smile… said the spider to the fly. So I had an opportunity to {attempt to} shut him up completely and I didn’t take it) So Ab now knows, I can be as sure of that as the meaning of life. (It’s a very similar look to Tom’s realisation that someone has said yes to drug taking. “Do tell me more.” Often with a hand wring. But it is different and shouldn’t be confused) Tom is a terrible gossip. The worst. As bad as Mark. Ironically. He would have Miss Jessup'd over the back fence to Ab by now. Absolutely!
Christian
I hope he won’t be cross. I hope he laughs, I think sheepishly after I have sent it.
I had a wank. It didn’t take long. They only just got to penetration
Subject: Bad Taste
how rude
i havent said a word!
anyway i knew before u told me
Tom
Subject: true irony
In my stupidity (probably read marijuana soaked brain) I said to Ab that I would go over on Sunday night and watch Big Brother, because I was too fagged on Thursday and she sounded like she wanted to change it too.
So now I have to tell her that I can't go because I am going out and taking drugs (It probably should have been with Tim, I guess) with you.
Christian
Subject: The true irony
She won’t mind.
Just tell her it's my "Last Dance Ever".
Want me to pick you up before Shane's tonight?
Tom
Subject: The true irony
Yes please
Christian
Subject: The true irony
I'll come get ya round 11pm.
Will roll some joints for ya and have enough for laters, I'll stay at your place anyways.
Tom
Subject: Grrr!
You know how I said I had organised something, but I shut up before I told you what, the other night? (I must be psychic) It was a dope deal for you and I, but it looks as though it may have fallen through now.
Grrr!
Christian
Subject: Grrr!
Yes please
Jude called. I called him back to ask him over to watch Birth, but he didn’t answer.
SMS. 14.44. I’m watching Birth. It’s very Stanley Kuberick – Christian
SMS. 14.48. Can’t come tomorrow. Forgot going out with Tom, last w/end before he goes into hospital. Forgot I promised him – Christian
SMS. 15.21. Ooow…well u beta get a husband out of it! That’s kool, we can do it another day :) Have fun kitten :) He is Birth on dvd? Or movie? – Ab
SMS. 15.24. DVD…Pirate, to be sure – Christian
SMS. 15.26. Pirate! Aaaarrr. Can I borrow? – Ab
SMS. 15.31. It’s Tim’s. I’ll ask him – Christian
SMS. 15.32. Just tell him, or he can move out :) – Ab
I watched Birth, with Nicole Kidman. You’ve got to question the conservative voices that condemned that film as kiddie porn. There is nothing sexual at all in that film. Dirty little minds, every last one of them.
I finally went to the supermarket. Big shop. I wore a cock ring and tracky pants, which made my cock prominent, and no jocks. I didn’t catch anyone looking. But, I ogled a young wog boy, sixteen, if he was a day, nice, solid, packed lunch.
9pm…
Subject: partying
Hey Christian.
Mark just called, telling me of their plans.
My face mask almost cracked with wry amusement!!!
Well well well, mayhap there will be room for some E-inspired truth telling...
Would be nice.
xTom
Tim had some friends to stay, they seemed quite nice, even if I never really found out who they were. I didn’t really, even, catch their names.
I ironed two work shirts, before I left, so I had nothing to do Monday, or Tuesday, morning.
SMS. 22.50. (Tom) Ah!... really – Christian
Tom arrived on the dot of eleven, as promised, with his 11 e’s and bags of crystal in his pocket. We went over to Shane’s pre-party, which was really nice.
