Oversized

Roy stood in front of Todd’s door. He rocked backward and forwards on the soles of his feet, as he waited for his ring to be answered.

Todd opened the front door, with a big gesture. Roy couldn't tell his mood, Todd had that look on his face, again – kind of wide-eyed, slightly surprised. Was it good? Was it not? Roy couldn't read it.

“Have you been out to look, at the finished job?” Roy asked, nervously.

“Yes,” said Todd. “You were right, bigger is, um, er...” he looked away. “Better.”

Roy couldn't help but smile; he felt the muscles in his face crease, almost involuntarily. “The way it catches the morning sun, from the side of the house...”

“It is beautiful, you were right to make the suggestion.”

There was silence. They looked awkwardly to the ground. Todd looked passed Roy, as if he was looking at the day and then he looked back.

I thought we could go out, maybe, get a bite to eat... see a movie... perhaps.

“Roy.” Todd sighed heavily. “I can't,” he said. “It wouldn't work...”

“It doesn't matter,” said Roy. “It's not that important.”

“It does to me,” said Todd. “It is important to me.”

“I've... I've heard about this new thing,” said Roy. “A relaxation technique.”

“What do you do? Only use the first few inches?” said Todd. “I'm not sure I'd ever get used to that pain... or want to...”

“I love you,” said Roy. Suddenly. Kind of out of the blue. He even surprised himself.

Todd sighed long and hard. He smiled sweetly, nervously. “You have a big heart, and... that's the problem,” Todd said. “It's a damn shame. A damn shame, 'cause I like you a lot.” He stroked the side of Roy’s face. Tears welled in his eyes. Roy wanted Todd to touch him more.

Roy was supposed to be just building Todd's deck, that's all. A simple cash transaction. They'd been attracted to each other right from the beginning, some weeks ago. Roy has fallen hard for Todd. They'd slept together, last Friday, after too much red wine. Todd was, well... disappointed isn't quite the right word.

Roy had just finished off the deck, now. On time and on budget, even with the increase.

“I could have surgery, I guess,” said Roy. His smile disappeared from his face as quickly as it appeared. “If they can do it the other way...”

“Don't be daft,” said Todd. “Not for me... not for anyone.”

“At least I am ready to make suggestions. Try...”

“Such, as it was... that you got it in, or how long you have it in, or how you are…” said Todd, tongue-tied. “No!" He looked at the ground. "I can't." He stepped back. "I'm sorry.”

He closed the door.

“Wait!”

Roy felt like a part of him had died, he thought, with surprise. He felt physical pain. He felt a chill up his back, like a pain from his kidneys, or something.

It wasn't fare, it should be an advantage, but all it does is strike fear into men's hearts... makes them recoil, fearful, back away, bleed.

Roy went out and stood on the deck, in the winter sunshine and his heart swelled, as he looked across the deck to the valley stretching out as far as the eye could see. It truly was beautiful, breath taking and now there was a platform from which to view it. He’d imagined drinking champagne with Todd sitting right there, on his deck. It was bigger, at Roy's suggestion, than what Todd had wanted, initially. It looked grand; he'd been right to suggest the bigger size. Ironic, he thought.

Why do you want such a big one? was the only comment Todd’s mother had offered, when she first saw the finished deck. Todd and Roy couldn't look at each other, after that, it was the morning after the disastrous night before.

Roy wished he'd had time to tell Todd, he'd not be back, not tomorrow, not any time, but Todd had closed the door before he got a chance. If Todd knew he'd never see him again, would Todd have reconsidered? Who knows? He was going to travel and see the world. There was nothing keeping him there, any more, he could stop kidding himself that there was.