Quiet Saturday

I spent the day in my room writing, hidden away from the world. It was nice, relaxed. Starting something new, never finishing anything; a coming out story. Is it my misguided protection from rejection, I have to wonder?

I seem to crave solitude a lot lately. My friends have noticed. Ah, well, I'll worry about it when I'm old.

My writing ideas are all over the place. Grrr!

Some how I got chatting to Ben on msn late last night and some how we agreed to meet up tonight.

Yes, let's catch up that will be great.

I kind of regretted that decision afterwards. I was in two minds... it wasn't making me go yeah! You know, the stomach thing. I oscillated between yes and no. Good decision, bad decision. It'll be good, stupid Christian!

I don't know about Ben. He's really nice and I like him and all, except he's too young. He's kind of a really young 25 year old, too. Too enthusiastic - is that an indictment on me? - to gushy, to much of a baby. Everything is just too new for him. Exclamation! Okay, call me jaded.

I know the exact moment that my interest started to wane the last time we met up. He squealed, yes he did.

Well, he didn't call and I was kind of pleased about that. May be I'm being to hard on him, may be... but when I feel pleased about not seeing someone that, kind of, tells me what I need to know, I reckon.

My dating ideas are all over the place. Grrr! Maybe, I'll give it up for a while?

The day drifted away and before I knew it, it was dark when I next looked up. The light drifting to dark kind of made me feel sad. Didn't get a good story finished, didn't get the boy, despite the obvious contradiction. Alone on a Saturday night, which I'm normally perfectly fine with, I enjoy my own company, as a rule, suddenly hit me hard. I don't know, may be it was the moon, the solitude, the summit in Copenhagen? Who knows. Us humans are tricky beings, huh?

Then Mark called from Bolago and said he'd been waiting for my car to drive down the drive. Are you okay? He said he knew I wasn't. He still has that sixth sense... I guess we were once joined at the hip, it has to count for something.

I told him he always cheers me up.

That's what we do for each other, he replied. Always.

So, I went to bed and watched The African Queen, falling asleep before they got down the river. My eyes were tired from staring at my computer screen all day - my lungs were tired from the packet of cigarettes I'd smoked. I know. Grimace - even the rasp of Kate's voice couldn't keep my awake.