The Right Decision?

I don’t reckon it was quite as cold this morning, as it has been on more recent mornings. Track pants. Dressing gown. Thick socks. What could I feel anyway, up on my own before 7am?

Sam has been pissing around in the mornings, unlike him, usually he is up first. It is funny how the dynamic can change so easily. I’ve been up first for the last week, or so.

I sneaked a ciggie downstairs first thing, while Sam was still in bed and before I prepared my muesli and headed back upstairs for a shower. I thought Sam would smell it, but I drank coffee and slipped into the shower before he did. I was surprised.

I left a bit late. I don’t know why? Just because I did. I was hoping there would be no replacement for me to train; hopefully Jack hasn’t been able to find anyone. Hopefully. Crossed fingers.

The traffic was light. The drive was easy. It gave me time to think. I was beginning to wonder if I had made to wrong decision. Had I? They offered me a permanent position, originally a 3 day a week role, but (the HR manager) was trying to get up a business case for full time to keep me. What was I going to get offered to do 3 days, if I had kept my mouth shut and didn’t say it was too far to drive? Had I let (HR manager’s name) talk? Was she going to offer me a lot to do three days? Had I stuffed it up? Had I really stuffed it up? I’m sure I would get depressed driving to Notting Hill on a permanent basis. It is okay for a short time with an end in sight, yes. But every day, day in day out, drudge drudge drudge, I’d start regretting it.

Of course, it is an unprovable dynamic, as I can never know what it is like to go for six months and not go for six months, at the same time. I can only ever know the decision that I made and forever be ignorant of the opposite decision, because I never did it.

Could we call it the Decision Quandary?

It is (my new assignment) next Monday. An old, much loved, assignment that I am returning to. Don’t think about anything else … just let it go, here I come.

All things considered, I hope I am going to get something worthwhile from (my new assignment)? Come on! I deserve it! I have been loyal to you above and beyond… Watch this space? We’ll see. I guess not. It is just a job and I am just a temp, don’t get ahead of yourself, Christian.

Come on universe, how about a payoff. Isn’t it time that things went my way, just because they can? Have I been lucky enough in my life already? Half the world doesn’t have enough to eat, after all.

Why do these things always happen? My way ahead has always been cluttered with other stuff, for a few years now. In this instance, it is another job that I feel unjustified loyalty to. If I didn’t have (my new assignment), I’d have been happy to accept the Notting Hill job. Case closed.

Why do I have impediments in place stopping me from making, what may be, the best choices? Why? I ask? Why? 

Oh? Listen to me. Slap, slap. Shake of the head. I turned down the job. I’m just stressing if it was the right decision? So what? Shut the fuck up! It’s done. Onward! Don't be a fucking baby.


Of course, there was a new chick for me to train. Giselle. Voula doesn’t want to train anybody, as she knows she isn’t that great. Oh yes, Giselle was all smiles and enthusiasm, but she had fingers like spiders and a ruthless look in her eyes. I ran through things with her and pretty soon Voula put me on other jobs… jobs she didn’t want to do after I had gone. Giselle was trained up, apparently.

Very into it, very efficient, she was too.

I was pushed aside to do the filing.


Sam went for a haircut on his way home.

I forgot to get the milk and the bananas on my way home. It was given to me as a chore, the thing I had to do. Sam called after the haircut to check on the status of the chore completion.

“Oh, no, I didn’t get it.”

Exhale.

I told him to go to the milk bar on his way passed and get milk. And maybe a banana – I had to think about the morning. He said that I needed to walk my fat arse and Buddy needed a walk too and besides the milk at the milk bar is too expensive. “Twice as much!”

We were going to the supermarket when he got home, did I have a problem with that? No honey, that’s fine.

“No, honey.”

We walked to Woollies, Buddy, Sam and I. Milk, bananas, papa dams and ‘you know what’ cigarettes. It couldn’t have been easier.


When I came out of the supermarket, Sam said, “Let me look in the bag, I have to check what you have bought.”

He’s funny.


We ate noodles with mince meat for dinner. Those multi coloured rice noodles, you know, the ones that kind of have a filling. I guess I should ask Sam and stop sounding like such a dope.