I water the garden, front and back. It is lovely out in the fresh morning breeze. I vacuumed immediately afterwards, just to get it over and done with. I watered all the indoor plants, all before 8am.
I drink my yakult and take my fish oil and lysine tablets and laugh to myself, what is it all for? I want to be there at the end. I am going to be there at the end, I’m not going to miss out on anything. Me and Sam and every body else. Everyone I know. (I was never prepared for friends dying young, that was never in my scheme of things)
It makes me wonder what it is all for? I look at my mother in the nursing home all wizened up and staring blankly, knowing she’d hate that. We cleaned out her house in a weekend. Two days, maybe a couple more the next weekend, but essentially her life was obliterated in a matter of days. Gone. House rented out. All she has left is what she has with her in a six by three room, with sensible furniture. Everything, this university educated, world travelled, much loved woman ever had. Gone in days, dispersed across our homes, eBay and various rubbish tips in between. That’s all you get at the end, a six by three room and your meals on time. A catheter and the muscles gone at the rear.
So, what do I want to be there for at the end? Mushy food and somebody who is paid to toilet you whenever it is needed. Prop you up. Wrap a blanket around you when it is cold.
But, I do know, I don’t want to miss anything in between. Funny, aren't we, never want to miss a thing. Inquisitive?...
Shake of the head. Gaze out the back windows to my beautiful garden, which I have created. I learnt how to water it, that's all, so simple, now it is lush and green. My new gardenia flowered for the very first time. Everybody said they were hard to grow, but I do have green thumbs.
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