Not That Much Fun

The problem when I work full time for Boris is that not really knowing what I am doing makes me feel kind of useless. It plays with my sense of self worth, it does. That kind of winging it, it makes me really feel like I don't know what I am doing. And, I know, it is true that I don't really know what I am doing for a lot of it.

I've had all sorts of people calling me and asking me for things with which I don't normally deal. Even Boris has been giving my directives of things to do, mostly which I have done before, but not for years and not for this company. I'll have to make a list.

I don't really like the feeling. It really makes me, I have discovered, feel uncomfortable.

Of course, I have to get it done, whatever it is, and I do, because I have no choice, I'm the one, and that makes me feel anxious.

I don't enjoy being the person with whom the buck stops, I mean I don't even think about it in my role, but being in Boris' role and having every other guy come to me for something... already... and it is only day two... blur.

That probably sounds pathetic, I don't know. But it's true. I'm never really sure what I am good at, or capable of? I know with my own work, I can always put in more. I often feel I have an unending amount extra to give to get the job done. But, when I am doing someone else's work, I kind of lose that certainty.

But then when the extra role is over and I go back to my own work it always feels like it was easy.

Nyr!