Manny Called Me Late To Say That He’d Got Himself Into An Awful Problem

Up at 7am.

I dreamt about double crossing crime families, those Italian types in pin striped suits and dark eyes. We had all sorts of schemes, but one by one they failed, as Gino and Mario and Luigi out smarted us.  We went to the head crime families house in the end, which was an island hut, reminiscent of Bali, – despite the fact I’ve never been – which was kind of open for viewing, like a display hut. We stole there in the night in a small boat. Some girl, and I, were going to steal a prized painting, I think it was a Picasso. But there was someone there watching, in the shadows. We saw them before they saw us... foiled again. So we left, and as we did, I was dressed as a woman in high heels.

(Tom)

Doll, do you remember commenting on the recycled toilet paper that I bought? Well, that was at least a week ago and I still have all six rolls, even if three of them are half used.

christian

(Rachel)

Red's deaf. You can talk all you want, but he won’t hear you.

christian

7pm.

I’ve stayed home all weekend on my own. I haven’t seen anyone and nobody has wanted to see me. That’s actually not true, but that’s how I’ve felt. Alone. Happily alone. It’s a danger for me because I like being on my own. I like shutting the world out and being on my own. I don’t seem to need someone here with me.

I cancelled my mum sighting food poisoning from Friday night. I think, I just have to lay down and be still mum. To recover. Which only makes me feel bad because she’s lonely, she doesn’t want to be on her own. And here am I being selfish enough to allow her to be. I shouldn’t feel bad because I do try to see her lots. And I do. But you know, at her time in life when she has spent her whole life doing everything for me, even the slightest backing off makes me feel mean. I shouldn’t though, I am allowed to have time for myself. But there is a part of me that feels if I don’t give her every chance I can now, then one day it will be too late. One day, I won’t ever see her again, which brings tears to my eyes as I type this.

Old age is an awful thing. The coming to the end of a life is an awful thing. It’s a sad thing. But, she has lived.

I get sad being on my own, but it is a melancholy sadness, not an awful one.

I’ve watched films. I cried in Billy Elliot. I have just ironed all of my work shirts and I cried in Pay it Forward.

It’s been hot today, so it was easy to stay inside.

Manny called. I hadn’t heard from him since Thursday. He had things to tell me. He was worried how I might react.

Did I mention how Glen wanted to pay me the money that Manny owed me. I had to write a letter stating how much Manny owed me. I didn’t hear any more about it. I figured that Glen… actually, I didn’t figure anything, I didn’t think much more about it.

Well, apparently Glen did pay off the money I owed and the money Michael owed too. But you see, here’s the catch, Manny owed more money to the underworld than he was letting on. So our money went to them. Glen has now paid over twelve thousand dollars to…well, I don’t know who. Mark, David, somebody else. They stole money from the kitty, that was a piece of news that I heard for the first time. Kitty for what, I don’t really know, gambling, I think. (And Manny still owes more money. Not a lot though, so he tells me.)

And here’s the other catch, Glen paid off my money to, literally, pay me off. To get me out of the picture. Gone. Disposed of. I’m a threat, a big threat to him – you know, I’m sick of being a threat to people. Me? It’s laughable really.

So now I don’t exist in Manny’ life, as far as Glen is concerned.

And the pay off? A twelve month relationship to Manny. If after that it doesn’t work out, then they go their separate ways, all debts are cancelled. If Manny doesn’t give it twelve months then he has to pay back all the money to Glen.

The problem is that Manny’ heart belongs to me. Michael isn’t talking to him as he feels that Manny has chosen the wrong man, for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he has. But you see, these people who Manny got involved with, to who he owes all the money, five or so years ago, are the real deal, real underworld criminals. Bad people who don’t piss around.

What do I think, asked Manny? I think you got yourself into a really bad situation and you are getting yourself out of it with a less than perfect solution – dishonesty begets dishonesty, Manny my boy, I said – but it seems to be the only solution you have. As poor an answer as it is to it all.

That was before he met Michael and Glen and me, he said.

The other point to be mentioned here, is that Glen isn’t rock-solid stable either. But not a criminal with criminal leanings, I suppose. But capable of being irrational and revengeful.

Manny has to think of me to get excited when he has sex with Glen. He has to think of me to cum with Glen. His heart is with me and yet he is stuck with Glen.

You do get yourself into predicaments, hey, I said.

He’s fighting his way out of a really bad situation with a moderately bad solution.

But what happens if Glen finds out – and he probably will. Those things have a habit of coming back at you – and they do. I said to Manny. Glen is supposedly head over heals in love with Manny. So how do you think he’ll react if he finds out.

You see, Manny doesn’t want me out of his life. He doesn’t want to loose what we have. But as far as Glen is concerned, I’m totally out of the picture. Gone. History.

How sad it is to have to buy another person’s affections. That, I suppose, is the person that Glen is.

Manny said that when he met me he believed that relationships don’t work. They don’t last. And that is how I felt too.

The year started yesterday, apparently.

Oo! Oo! Manny is having sex with Glen. Er!

And Glen goes out on the scene, practically, every night. Manny said that Glen went to the Laird last night and that he doesn’t care if Glen fools around with other guys, or even if Glen lies about it, not like he’d care if I did it.

Fuck! And I want the simple life. Boy meets boy. Boy is with boy because he doesn’t want to be anywhere else.

Where does that leave me? All the men in my life are having relationships with somebody else. That’s not exactly fair to Sean, but true none the less.

I’m playing St Germian and there are no lights on in the house.

I think I’ll play on gaydar for a while.

20.30. It was boring. Back to my novel.

Manny called me late to say that he’d got himself into an awful problem. He can’t do it with Glen. He thought he could, he thought that it could grow into something, they have stuff in common and he likes being with Glen when he’s with him…or at least he believed he did. But he’s realised he can’t. And he’s realised he can have sex with Glen. It just isn’t there for him. He thought it could be, but now he realises that it isn’t and it’s not going to be.

“Fuck, how do I get myself into these situations?”