Monday

I’ve been feeling that nervous thing again. Anxious, like things are going to go wrong, may go wrong. Wah! I’m sure it is just my version of new job nerves, but it manifests itself as anxiety, or stress, rather than just nerves. Does that make sense? I don’t feel nervous about going to work, as such, I feel some general sense of anxiety about all things in life. Brrrrr! I feel vaguely nervous about all manner of things. I think there is some sort of transference. Nervous smile. I'm nervous about work, which makes me feel generally nervous, to mask the fears about work.

I don’t feel anxious about Sam, or sleep, they are the two things that are never affected. Sam is so lovely... as is sleep. My anchors in life. It is hard to explain. I like it best when I am cuddled up in the doona with Sam, then I feel relaxed. Maybe, it is Vertical disease?

This "nervous" thing seemed to start this year after I took the summer off, when I went back to work at Easter. That was the Tuesday after Easter, I think it was April 09th. I remember going to my first assignment in the city and feeling like I didn't have a clue. What was that, four months off? I guess I should look back and see what was going on around me then. How my aura was? What my vibrations were doing. Maybe there was a crack in my time line continuum?

I've been feeling nervous about my current assignment, I didn't want the weekend to finish. It seemed to pass by so fast and it seemed to be Sunday night in no time. This morning I woke up and it was 6.45am and I felt, kind of, relaxed that I had fifteen minutes to go. I looked over at Sam’s handsome, sleeping face on the pillow and everything seemed calm in the world. I lay there and enjoyed the peace and the quiet. Everything was still. I wondered why every minute of every day couldn’t feel like that? Still and serene, not a care, everything with a feeling of green and the smell of lavender. There is nothing like goose down to sooth the soul.

I know it will pass fairly soon. It is like I have to prove myself to myself all over again... all over again... and over again. It is just tedious. I guess, it is because I have been on holidays and I'm out of the work loop. I have slipped out of my comfort zone into a new reality, a holiday mentality and now I have to reprogram my brain for the 9 to 5 strain. It is just time... time to dumb it down again and join the working world.

Oh it is just annoying really. Stupid me.