Sex and Lies?

It rained for most of the day. (yesterday) I sat at my computer in the lounge room for all of it. Being vile about Dante with David took up most of the afternoon. But at 4pm, I felt like I’d pissed the day away. I wanted to keep up the momentum of exercise and keeping in shape, so when the rain cleared up sufficiently I went for a walk. I kind of wanted to ride my bike all afternoon, but rightly, or wrongly, I don’t much like riding my bike in the rain. At least when I am walking, if it starts to rain I can easily find a doorway, or some shelter, in which to wait it out, or I can just pull my hoodie over my head and keep walking. Riding in the rain seems much more perilous.

I went for a walk just before 4pm. It is kind of the last moment in the day that I can go if I am going to be home when Sam gets home. I put in my wet weather earpieces, instead of my headphones, and put on my old blue hoodie and shorts and off I went.

I was home by 4.45pm. It has been kind of warm, despite the rain, so I was somewhat sweaty when I got back, which I am sure is a good sign, isn’t it? Doesn’t sweating mean you have exercised? Got your heart rate up? You know, that sort of thing. Sam wasn’t home when I got back, I text him to see if he was near by for tea. 4.52pm. He text back saying he was. He sent me back an odd text saying he was disappointed having caught up with someone. He sent me another text straight after saying the previous text was meant for Charlie. I got in the shower.

I made tea when I got out. Sam hadn’t arrived home.

5.30pm and Sam still hadn’t arrived home, which was kind of a long time for him to complete the walk.

I was listening to the end of Rolling Stones in Hyde Park, which I’d been listening to on my walk.

Million Dollar Hot Seat started, I turned off the music. Still no Sam.

I'd been playing the Rolling Stones quite loud, and suddenly it was relatively quiet with only the noise of the TV. 

Million Dollar Hot Seat proceeded. 

The dogs were outside.

5.35. I started texting Sam, worried that something may have happened to him, as it never took that long for him to complete the walk home. perhaps, my sense of the dramatic got the better of me, but what if something did happen to him? A run away car, some fool with a gun, a robber with a knife, I am not immune from the world psycho drama as portrayed on the TV.

I let the dogs in, in anticipation of Sam's arrival.

Then Bear was yapping. Sam entered the room in his track pants and t-shirt.

"Oh, you are home already, I didn't hear you come in."

He seemed evasive.

"You're changed already?"

"I had a shower."

"You had a shower?"

"Yes."

"Oh," I said. That didn't seem like his normal behaviour. "Why did you have a shower?"

I can't remember why he said he had a shower, but it didn't really add up, not in my mind anyway. 

Was he being evasive, or was I imagining it? "So, why did you have a shower.

"I wasn't feeling well."

You weren't feeling well? It seemed like an odd reason. "But why did you have a shower?"

"I had a burning arse." The implication was from hot food.

You had a burning arse. And a shower would help that how? It didn't add up. What he was saying was not normal Sam. This is not what I get from him, some thing wasn't the same.

I said nothing else, instead processing what had happened thus far. None of it was our normal conversation.

And quiet descended, silence came between us. 

I didn't intended to go into silent treatment mode, no, not really, but Sam did too and the more time we spent in silence the more silent I became. I expected, or I would expect, Sam to ask me what was wrong when I am quiet, but he didn't. He didn't question it, in fact, he didn't question it at all, as it turned out, all night. That is unusual for him. He would always ask. He would ask more than once until he got some sort of answer out of me, but he didn't. That is not his normal behaviour either. 

What was I left to think? He met up with someone, with who he was apparently disappointed, which he accidentally text to me and not his best friend Charlie. He had a shower as soon as he got home, which is really out of character, for no apparent reason. What was I to think.

He never questioned why I was quiet at home, as though he didn't need to question why I was quiet, it was as if we both knew the reason.

What was I left to think?

I was waiting for him to tell me? But he didn't. He never said a word, which only made me more quiet.

I lay in bed in silence and thought to myself, what is it they say, you should never go to bed angry.

And you know, if he did hook up with someone, so what? I've lived in open relationships before, quite successfully too. We're 6 years into our relationship and not really having much sex any more, it makes sense, he's younger than me, but why didn't he just ask? Or bring it up. I reckon I'd be cool with that. Yeah, I would.

But he didn't. He chose to lie about it. And if he lied about this, what else has he lied about? Trust is really important to me. I can deal with anything, anything at all, if you are honest with me.

Perhaps, it is my karma for being vile about Dante yesterday?


– Okay, so I published this 6 months later, as I didn’t really want anyone to read this at the time. But, as a part of my review of my blog when I was deleting draft files, or publishing them, I decided to publish it, more for my own benefit, than anybody else’s. Ah, I don’t know why? I guess, I think that nobody is going to read it now, but it will be there for my eyes, as I often go back and review and rewrite my blog. It’s now 06th October and I am sitting up in bed at 9am, the sun is shining in through my balcony doors and Buddy is snoring next to me. What did I think of the above? Such is Life.