I wrote this 6 years ago and while the topic may be different and the players may have changed, it still sums up the workings of the conservative party in Australia quite eloquently, even if I do say so myself.
(for overseas readers, The Liberal Party is the governing conservative party in Australia, confusing, I know)
Gay Marriage Liberal Party Style
“Sacred right of a man and a woman,” says One Term Tony. “Why doesn’t the world get it?” He looks perplexed.
“What are we going to do! What are we going to do! What are we going to do?” shrieks Mincing Poodle Pyne.
“Why can’t we just tell the truth…” says One Term Tony.
“I’m sorry?” says Angry Joe.
“What do you mean?” squeaks Poodle Pyne.
“You are not making any sense,” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz.
“Say that again?” says Gerbil-of-a-Thing Joyce.
“Why do we have to say anything?” says I-Know-Nothing Morrison. “We should keep it secret.”
“That our Lord and saviour says no to it,” says One Term Tony. "It is an abomination according to god and the scriptures."
“No!” growls Angry Joe
“No!” yaps Poodle Pyne.
“No!” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz.
“No!” says Gerbil-of-a-Thing Joyce.
“No!” says I-Know-Nothing Morrison.
“Then why can’t we tell them it will increase terrorism?” says One Term Tony.
“Nothing is working,” says Old Man Andrews.
“Cory’s bestiality reference didn’t fly,” says I-Know-Nothing-Morrison.
“The "fad thing" didn’t work either, no one is buying that,” says Angry Joe.
“I still think that children deserve the best start in life should work,” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz.
"The security of knowing their biological parents and the diversity of male and female role models, no one is buying that now,” says Silver Fox Turnbull. “And please don’t trot out the polygamy thing aaagain.
“So what can we say now?” asks One Term Tony. “Now that America has gone and lets us down so badly.”
“The whole world is turning gay,” shrieks Poodle Pyne. “What are we to do?”
“It’s not looking good,” says One Term Tony. “The whole world is caving in.”
“Not in Asia,” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz.
‘No, no, no, no, no, Asia hasn’t,” says Gerbil-of-a-Thing Joyce.
“Yes,” says One Term Tony. “Give that a go. Asia isn’t buying it, so how can we be expected to.”
“I like it,” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz.
“It might work,” shrieks Poodle Pyne.
“It’s good,” says One Term Tony. “Asia, Asia, yes Asia, we’re going to go with that. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar.”
“They’ll see us as…” says Gerbil-of-a-Thing Joyce.
“A bigot,” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz. “A bigot!”
“No, that will never fly,” says Gerbil-of-a-Thing Joyce.
“Can we link it to breast cancer,” says Everyone-Is-Entitled-to-be-a-bigot Abetz. “Gay marriage causes breast cancer!”
“We don’t want to look like bigots,” says One Term Tony.
“Fixers,” shrieks Poodle Pyne.
“Rich,” Angry Joe calls out.
“Decadent,” says Gerbil-of-a-Thing Joyce. “They’ll see us as Decadent.
“Decadent. Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar, I like it,” says One Term Tony. “We can’t legalise poofs getting married because it will threaten our trading partners in Asia because they will see us as decadent. Yes!”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” says Silver Fox Turnbull.
“We’re going with that,” says One Term Tony. “We’re going with that. Asia is the problem.”
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