Out & About

Miss

How are you?

How was your Mum?

I'm terrified today.

Practically frozen with terror.

That seems about right, really.

Deep breath.

xT

I'm good.

My mum was good. Funny. She makes me laugh. Perhaps, she needs to take herself off to China for Human Growth Hormone, so I can have her around for another twenty years

Terrified? You are absolutely the bravest person I know.

I'll be bringing chocolates and flowers and you know what else... after Saturday hey?

I'm breathing for you.

love you.

christian

Thanks

that helps J

Tom

Tell me when I should front up? Put in your request now, not that you won't be getting my highest priority – handsome wogboys withstanding.

Christian

Ummm if you are feeling human Saturday morningish would be alright.

Or afternoon would be fine too, but I'm going for a drink at the Xchange at 4 with Keith.  You would be more than welcome to come, of course.

Otherwise, anytime Sunday is great, except between 11 and 12, when Marimba is coming to see me.

Just text me when you wanna come.

Or should I say are coming? J

xTom

Miss

I could come straight from the Market with Tim and Ben? What time is opening hours?

Tom

Tim was very pleased about Friday night and things he had for it. Lovely, lovely drugs. Very excited, could hardly contain himself. Off to the Market tomorrow night.

I drove Ben over to Coburg to get dope.

Tim called to say that Est X had been sold back to the original owner N and that all its devotees were being re-directed to bar in Smith Street. I guess that's good, depending what N has in mind, I guess.

We watched teev when we got back.

Woohoo!

The place is open from 7am Miss.

Would be happy to see you then!

xT

Apparently, I am going out and taking drugs. Goodness me! Goodness, goodness me!

christian

Hooray for you I say Miss!

Tom

Tim must have started to feel the effects of the wine he'd consumed, as he disappeared suddenly. I went to bed around 23.00 to watch Big Brother Uplate. I woke up sometime in the night and turned the TV off, before those demented American Evangelicals got a look in.

Hello handsome

Got Wood

Tim

Here is the number for the wood man 98xx 82xx. I just don't have time this week to do anything about it.

Christian

Chris – Its $250 a ton... We can organise it for delivery on Saturday... Are you ok with that... I will probably have to get it put out the back so we'll need to be careful of your car.

Tim

Sure, I'm cool with that. I thought Perry said it was $215 per ton, but which ever, I'm fine with it. We've got to be warm.

It will have to go out the back, we can stack it against the side wall next to the car, or we can stack it down the side of the house under the window.

Christian

I reckon the side wall next to the car – I will organise the delivery today.... Will you be home Friday night/Saturday?

Tim

Ok – It’s all done – they also had half tons for $140... but I got the ton as she said its good at the moment

Tim

The Corn

I have very sore knees... not too bad, all things considered.

Christian

How are your knees now?

I'll remember to call you off for breaks chats and the like next time.

I have a sore back!

Hospital on 2 hours sleep – ugh!

Tom

Well, I did manage to fit in a play with my mum this evening, and I was her usual, charming favourite.

And, I walked home from the city, so, I guess, I have to say the knees are fine, even if they aren't exactly unnoticeable.

Hospital sweetie? Did you have appointments today? Did you have to deliver your 5 litres of piss?

Christian

Just thought everyone may like to know that the corn has already seen the light of day again!! That was quick!!

Tim

He, he, he. Good to hear.

Christian

How you feeling?

Tim

The morning was quite good... but the afternoon is slowing down markedly.

Christian

I did manage a play with mum – David Williamson’s, Influence. Supposedly his last. Apparently, he is retiring due to ill health – and I even managed to walk home from the city.

Home by 21.30, just in time for Big Brother Uncut.

I Found Myself Asleep On The Couch as 2am

 Mark and Luke didn’t go to the party, they said they were too tired.

I got there at about 1am, as we had to wait for Mark W. to get home from his dictionary quiz night, which I was quite happy about, don’t get me wrong, I’m a late party arriver by heart. Besides, it was nice sitting around and chatting to Shane, He-who-shall-never-be-mentioned and Tom, I never do enough of that. And we were all puffing on the go pipe in the interim, so it was all good. We did our first e just before we left. Tom and He-who-shall-never-be-mentioned and Shane drove.

The party was quite small, small space that is, not that I explored any of it, actually. I got on the dance floor, with three e’s under my belt and danced the whole night away.

My crotch ogling was outrageous, actually more constant than outrageous. I think that’s what I did all night. I didn’t see or find anyone who took my fancy, so it was all meant as a harmless compliment. They noticed, although I hardly remember any of them now. One very cute dark-haired boy smiled at me in a cute, flattered way, which was kind of nice, as I gazed at him quite often. But, I danced off from all of them, once I’d got their attention, so it was just a game. My game. I just want to dance and look at parties now-a-days, nothing much else. I think I’m happy to wait for someone I really like to come by, rather than do the whole casual sex thing. Besides, I don’t think I’m good at sex on drugs with a stranger. I’m much better at sex on drugs with a boy I like and with who I can take my time for it all to happen.

I didn’t get off the dance floor at all. In fact, I never thought about it, it never occurred to me, until Tom came up to me and said that he wanted to go. And then it was all over.

I shivered across the road, even though the car was, in fact, directly across the road, as, I guess you can well understand, I was saturated. We dropped home for me to get some Mersyndol, to relieve the headache I was rapidly developing, when I took the opportunity to change my clothes, as Tom waited in the car, before we went to Shane’s. But my headache wasn’t subsiding any, so I asked to be taken home.

Besides, Shane was off to fuck some couple anyway, so he wanted to leave shortly, I can only assume.

SMS. 8.16. (Ab) No husband! Rats! – Christian

Then I was in bed, not long after, where all the usual things took place – quietly, locked away from the world in my own sanctuary.

I called Manny at 10am just to chat, dirty to be sure, with him. My invitation for him to come over for sex on the weekend, which he turned down because of John, with a husky, sexy, turned on voice, was, I admit, in my mind. But, I didn’t really expect him to come over, I don’t want to be blamed for his relationship brake up. I just wanted to hear what he sounded like with a hard-on. He sounds so sexy when he is turned on.

SMS. 10.03. Yr too good for him anyhow – Ab

Tom was off to Perry and Wesley’s to take his two remaining e’s, sometime in the afternoon.

SMS. 17.59. Firewood number 98xx 82xx – Tom

I got up for the last part of the Big Brother eviction. I found myself asleep on the couch as 2am. 

The Circle of Life

I’ve got nothing in the house. No food. Not even muesli. I just can’t face the supermarket. My head was pounding, well, aching, so it was two Mersyndol and coffee instead. I’ve already eaten half the box since I got them. I still reckon the more I take, the more headaches I’m susceptible to. I’ve had more headaches since I bought them than in the last two or three years.

So, I sat here, for an hour this morning, writing until at 8.30am the hunger pains just got too much.

Suddenly, I remembered the bakery, at the same time thinking about my fat stomach, and thought about the sweet bread they sell. I so wanted orange and walnut, but I got blueberry and rhubarb, instead. Two pieces.

I will exercise soon.

The girl behind the counter, at the bakery, undercharged me. I was past the point of being able to leave, I could have just walked out, but my struggling honesty gene kicked in. Random acts of kindness. Goodness. Honesty. Integrity. “That can’t be right. It has to be more?”

I wanted to go to Bolago to see Jay. I was touched when Mark said he wanted Jay to know me.

I didn’t want to go out tonight and take drugs with Tom. I have the biggest week of my working year coming up this week. But I did promise.

Subject: Saturday morning tra la la

Morning.

What a fucking freezing morning it is too!

Dinner was good last nite except St Kilda lost! The fucking pussies!

So we have pills and a point of meth for tonight!

Woohoo!

xT

Subject: Saturday morning tra la la

I've got nooooooo food in the house. I remembered the bakery and stepped out into G. Street and thought I was going to die right there on the spot. Snap frozen. All that would have been needed was a snap-lock bag.

Christian

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

I want us both to go on to be famous. So when you're a famous sociologist and I'm a famous writer, we can tell stories of our life together. Regale the public with shocking truths. Usher in a new era of love and liberalism. Single-handedly and together.

Christian

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

And then sit back as old men and go tisk, tisk, tisk, at the conservatism of the younger generation – that would surely follow – as they are taken with conservative hate and fear.

Christian

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

Can you tell I’m onto my third joint?

Christian

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

Reasonably famous would be okay.

I don't want britney kinda famous – too much hassle.

xT

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

Maybe, but the ones after them will be rad again

Tom

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

No I can’t actually but lucky you – wot a good idea i say!

Tom

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

Famous like Germane Greer

Christian

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

Beau's puffing away with me. He fits in well

Christian

Subject: Dreaming tra la la

Ah, the circle of life...

Christian

Ben put on Yellow Brick Road. I suspect there might be quite a lot of depth to Ben. He’s smart and funny and he can be camp without losing any masculinity. He’s such a boy. Liking great music from an era other than your own, is a sign of interest in life.

Tim and Ben have left for the day.

It’s really cool to be listening to Elton John in the back ground, for a change.

Ah yes, my second slice of sweet bread. Where did I discreetly deposit it? No, I wouldn’t say that I hid it. I felt stupid not to have thought to buy Tim and Ben a piece each. I put it out of sight.

From hd&t hi

From christian hello

From hd&t just chk'd msg, what're ya up to mate? looking?

From christian Oh, I was until I had my second joint. Now, I'm going back to bed.

From hd&t FUCK! SAY HI AGAIN HEY?

From christian What?

From hd&t IF YA SEE ME ONLINE, MSG ME. MAYBE HOOKUP?

From Christian Cool, I will. You've given me a hard-on. And my head is spinning. That can't be good for my blood pressure?

From hd&t NEITHER WILL I....

Is this boy on drugs? What the? What a body? Fucken hot? Nice cock! I’m home alone. What is wrong with me? But what he said just didn’t make any sense?

From Christian I'm going to go and have a wank. Pity we haven't got web-cam

From hd&t WOULD LOVE TO COME OVER AND SUCK YOU OFF

From Christian Where are you?

From hd&t FOOTSCRAY

Just have sex with him, you idiot. Oh, who can be bothered? I’ve got just enough dope for another joint. And I can turn porn off as soon as I’m done. Besides, I put my tooth through my lip, yesterday. It hurt like hell, big gash. Blood. Gruesome! It still hurts.

I put Joe Cocker on.

From Christian Another time, sure. You so make me want to have my cock sucked.

From hd&t SWEET! LATER MATE!

It’s 11.11.

I wish Manny would drop in. I said to him on Monday, when he called to talk dirty because he was horny and wanted his cock played with, to come over. He said he couldn’t, but it is in his head. He’d stray from Johnny, he’s a boy, after all. I want to go back to being monogamous sexy buddies with him. How I’d like to put my hand down his pants. A twenty five year old is too young for him. You have to learn to demand sex, it comes with age. It takes a life time…ironic, really. They’d be at different levels, sexually. A twenty five year old would never be able to keep up with Manny. Peaks and troughs. Twenty year old is at a peak, so they say, but not across it all, not really. Still with guilt and shame that society gives them.

It doesn’t quite add up wanting to be a monogamous sex buddies with someone who’s positive. Kind of defeats the purpose. Negates the benefits. I can never ditch the condoms with him.

J number three.

Subject: good taste

Oooh I like him already!

Hi Ben!!

Just invested 75K for six months!

Tom

Subject: good taste

Well done.

Christian

I want to call Manny and talk dirty to him. Get him hard, make his breathing change, his voice drop to its sexy, turned on baritone, even just over the phone it’s sexy. I like him with a hard-on. But I can’t. Johnny might be there. It wouldn’t be fair.

I’m going to go watch bi-porn. It gets me so hot seeing a chick get really well fucked by a hot guy! I guess it’s the straight boy straying thing, too.

Another song for my funeral, When the night comes.

A song for my soul mate and life…

A song for Mark.

Subject: good taste

yes well gotta do something with it...

centrelink is gonna be up my arse about it soon though

Tom

I would say to Tom to put it into my name. It makes sense. But who wants that trouble.

He could pay it off my mortgage. We could get an independent accountant to work out what interest Tom would have got and I could pay him that. (And whatever legal documentation that would be required)

But, if it has taken me to whatever page number this is in this journal, such well intentioned gestures can turn into pooh quicker than you can realise.

But, if Tom suggested it… maybe it would be different. Probably not. (Them {mother’s family} have a lot to answer for, or to be thankful to) But that’s completely off his own bat. I will never breathe a word of it to anyone. None of my friends could be trusted with such information, idea, as well intentioned, or not, as they may be. Ironically, Tom is the least able to be trusted with such information. He’s the original meaning behind loose lips, I’m sure. I’m good at not blabbing when I truly know I shouldn’t. It’s the Virgo in me; steely resolve when the best is known.

He’s already noted the truth behind Ab’s departure, after I had kept it from him, deliberately. My drug taking with Tim. I didn’t tell him until Thursday. Deliberately. He was right on it.

“It would have been really funny if Ab hadn’t moved out on the first night.” (after that Bacchanalian pill orgy that the rest of you had) He said with a feline smile. (truth is, I know that smile… said the spider to the fly. So I had an opportunity to {attempt to} shut him up completely and I didn’t take it) So, Ab now knows, I can be as sure as that as the meaning of life. (It’s a very similar look to Tom’s realisation that someone has said yes to drug taking. “Do tell me more.” Often with a hand wring. But it is different and shouldn’t be confused) Tom is a terrible gossip. The worst. As bad as Mark. Ironically. He would have Miss Jessup'd over the back fence to Ab by now. Absolutely!

Now where did I put that hot porn?

It’s midday.

Joe’s singing, I can get by with a little bit of help from my friends.

I need someone to love.

Grope, on a regular basis.

I need someone to kiss. I love that the best.

I just tried to sing, When the night comes, without warming up and I’ve hurt my voice. It’s sore.

I couldn’t resist the deliciousness of not sharing my description of Tom with him. And it was my response to his last email.

Subject: good taste

Here’s an excerpt from my journal.

Ironically, Tom is the least able to be trusted with such information. He’s the original meaning behind loose lips, I’m sure. I’m good at not saying when I truly know I shouldn’t. It’s the Virgo in me; steely resolve when the best is known.

He’s already noted the truth behind Ab’s departure. After I had kept it from him, deliberately. My drug taking with Tim. I didn’t tell him until Thursday. Deliberately. He was right on it.

“It would have been really funny if Ab hadn’t moved out on the first night.” (after that Bacchanalian pill orgy that the rest of you had) He said with a feline smile. (truth is, I know that smile… said the spider to the fly. So I had an opportunity to {attempt to} shut him up completely and I didn’t take it) So Ab now knows, I can be as sure of that as the meaning of life. (It’s a very similar look to Tom’s realisation that someone has said yes to drug taking. “Do tell me more.” Often with a hand wring. But it is different and shouldn’t be confused) Tom is a terrible gossip. The worst. As bad as Mark. Ironically. He would have Miss Jessup'd over the back fence to Ab by now. Absolutely!

Christian

I hope he won’t be cross. I hope he laughs, I think sheepishly after I have sent it.

I had a wank. It didn’t take long. They only just got to penetration

Subject: Bad Taste

how rude

i havent said a word!

anyway i knew before u told me

Tom

Subject: true irony

In my stupidity (probably read marijuana soaked brain) I said to Ab that I would go over on Sunday night and watch Big Brother, because I was too fagged on Thursday and she sounded like she wanted to change it too.

So now I have to tell her that I can't go because I am going out and taking drugs (It probably should have been with Tim, I guess) with you.

Christian

Subject: The true irony

She won’t mind.

Just tell her it's my "Last Dance Ever".

Want me to pick you up before Shane's tonight?

Tom

Subject: The true irony

Yes please

Christian

Subject: The true irony

I'll come get ya round 11pm.

Will roll some joints for ya and have enough for laters, I'll stay at your place anyways.

Tom

Subject: Grrr!

You know how I said I had organised something, but I shut up before I told you what, the other night? (I must be psychic) It was a dope deal for you and I, but it looks as though it may have fallen through now.

Grrr!

Christian

Subject: Grrr!

Yes please

Jude called. I called him back to ask him over to watch Birth, but he didn’t answer.

SMS. 14.44. I’m watching Birth. It’s very Stanley Kuberick – Christian

SMS. 14.48. Can’t come tomorrow. Forgot going out with Tom, last w/end before he goes into hospital. Forgot I promised him – Christian

SMS. 15.21. Ooow…well u beta get a husband out of it! That’s kool, we can do it another day :) Have fun kitten :) He is Birth on dvd? Or movie? – Ab

SMS. 15.24. DVD…Pirate, to be sure – Christian

SMS. 15.26. Pirate! Aaaarrr. Can I borrow? – Ab

SMS. 15.31. It’s Tim’s. I’ll ask him – Christian

SMS. 15.32. Just tell him, or he can move out :) – Ab

I watched Birth, with Nicole Kidman. You’ve got to question the conservative voices that condemned that film as kiddie porn. There is nothing sexual at all in that film. Dirty little minds, every last one of them.

I finally went to the supermarket. Big shop. I wore a cock ring and tracky pants, which made my cock prominent, and no jocks. I didn’t catch anyone looking. But, I ogled a young wog boy, sixteen, if he was a day, nice, solid, packed lunch.

9pm…

Subject: partying

Hey Christian.

Mark just called, telling me of their plans.

My face mask almost cracked with wry amusement!!!

Well well well, mayhap there will be room for some E-inspired truth telling...

Would be nice.

xTom

Tim had some friends to stay, they seemed quite nice, even if I never really found out who they were. I didn’t really, even, catch their names.

I ironed two work shirts, before I left, so I had nothing to do Monday, or Tuesday, morning.

SMS. 22.50. (Tom) Ah!... really – Christian

Tom arrived on the dot of eleven, as promised, with his 11 e’s and bags of crystal in his pocket. We went over to Shane’s pre-party, which was really nice. 

File Marked With an X

SMS. 9.22. Shelley rang me last night. Do you think her fat fingers pushed the wrong buttons? Just driving to Adelaide 4 the week... – Rachel

SMS. 9.56. Didn't u become buddies last time Shel was in Melb? Who’s going to Adelaide? – Christian

SMS. 9.59. Not that I remembered... all the family r going 4 my dad’s 70th, home 4th July. I will call, we need 2 go out 4 dinner – Rachel

SMS.10.19. 4th July? I hope that's not ominous? Don't accept any dud penny bungers. Say happy birthday to Mike. Where r u now? – Christian

SMS.10.24. Baccus Marsh. Only 8 hours 2 go. Macca's in Horsham. Yummy! – Rachel

SMS. 10.31. Oh... come back and get me. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. It's gotta be better than my office for the day – Christian

Subject: Got wood

Did your tall, dark and handsome b/f provide?

Christian

Subject: morning

Lovely sunny Friday morning. I wore my new leather jacket to work, looking at it in all the shop windows along the way. I've decided that it looks good. So, I guess, that is good.

Must dye my hair for Saturday night. He, he.

I've got a favour/job/something for you to do. Do you remember the other day, you started to talk about the mythical years of the 90's – we were at my place talking about it. How would you like to have a go at writing that down for me? Included in that would be dates, to the best of your ability.

And you can write about when you first met everyone?

How about it?

Christian

Subject: sunny friday

Miss

What a grumpy thing you are, doubting my lovely BF, Mark Windsor...

Yes he came through for me, in more ways than one!

Now, about those lost years, I won't make promises I can't keep, but yeah maybe I will spend time doodling it all out for you. I imagine, I will have lots of time for that in Hospital.

The plan for tomorrow night is to meet at Mark W and Shane from 11pm.

Love ya

xxxx

Tom

Subject: sunny friday

Lovely old Mark W.

No, no... no promises, I thought that was a given. It's just that what you actually said that night when we were talking about it was fantastic, I wish I had written it down at the time.

11pm. At Molestation Street. Rightie Oh.

Maybe, I should go to Bolago tonight to see Jai? Mmmmm?

Christian

Subject: sunny friday

you may go to Bolago

just make sure you come back :)

give jane my love

xxxx Tom

Subject: shopping tra la la

Shoes.

Another (winter) jacket.

A lovely pair of track pants by Everlast (grrr).

Oh Christian, I do like this having money thingy. It's so funny. Next week I shall do the Chapel St shuffle, and maybe Brunswick St and Bridge Rd.

I have two girlfriends coming down from Sydney, Polly and Kha, on Tuesday. Perhaps you will meet them Tuesday night?

xT

Subject: shopping tra la la

There is a little bit of south-of-the-Yarra in all of us. All it needs is a little opportunity and the whole ugliness bubbles to the surface. Of course, your file would still be marked (make no mistake, it would be a permanent mark) from choosing to live south-of-the-Yarra willingly, despite it being all of those years ago

Christian

Subject: Bolago

On seconds thoughts you really should go...

You know what staying home with Tim could be like!

Tom

Subject: Bolago

I'm sure I don't, actually.

Christian

Subject: shopping tra la la

elwood is not spiritually south of the yarra

and think back to last friday re Tim

Tom

SMS. 13.07. Horsham is absolutely gorgeous! The sun is warm, I feel like a cat on a windowsill, purr, purr – Rachel

SMS. 14.12. Lovely! Anton with you? – Christian

I told Beck what I had written. We both laughed.

Subject: early morning

At work on time, were we?

Christian

Subject: early morning

I was early ---- ! was in at 6.50!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAARGGGHHHH!!! Going to have a few drinks at Establishment X after work – then maybe a dvd – would you like to join us?

Tim

Subject: early morning

Yes, maybe I will.

Subject: early morning

goody... I’m out of here at 4.30... so I will see you at home first...... Need a beer!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!

Tim

Subject: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH@@!!!

I better bring you some rent home!!

Tim

I sent this email just as a tease, we all know how Tom hates to be left out of pub trips. Secretly, I was hoping it would leave him out and entice him to come, all at the same time. Not really sure of the double meaning. I suppose it was “doing.”

Subject: drinking tra la la

Just drinks at the pub tonight with Tim and Beau... so you can stop worrying.

Christian

SMS. 16.32. Yup, but plan 2 lose him as much as possible. Tee, hee – Rachel

Beck and I were walking out of the building when I read this sms. We both laughed. Beck knows all about all of my friends, all the tacky details.

SMS. 17.30. R u there yet? – Christian

SMS. 17.30. Lovely Tailem Bend! – Rachel

SMS. 17.34. Lovely. I’m orf home. Off to the pub. Lovely – Christian

SMS. 17.35. I am knitting a lovely scarf. Italian or Greek tonight? – Rachel

I did a quick lap around the new Dimmies in Bourke Street, in my cheap leather jacket, hoping all along that they wouldn’t be selling it too amongst their new stock. There was nothing there I was interested in, unless I wanted an Essendon dressing gown, which I didn’t.

SMS. 17.41. One of each, hopefully. Twins! Greek mother, Italian father. I’m salivating. It’s been a while – Christian

SMS. 17.43. Bit hungry myself now u mention it…ciao. Yassu – Rachel

SMS. 17.50. I could go 4 a mouthful myself. See ya. Christian

Subject: drinking tra la la

which pub?

Tom

Tim, Neil and I went to Establishment X and ate dinner and drank beer out of pint glasses. We went to the milkbar, or as Tim likes to call it, China and bought white wine and beer to take home. I didn’t partake, as I knew I was going to smoke joints anyway.

Beau worked later and arrived after that. He’s nice. Gorgeous smile. He rolls baseball bat joints. Maybe he is the twenty first century manifestation of Fergus? He is cheeky, like Fergus. He laughs like Fergus.

Maybe not in sound, but in the freedom to, the frequency. Although, his voice does have a similar timbre, I guess. He even looks, close one eye and squint, a little bit like Fergus.

We watched The Interpreter starring Nicole Kidman. I was keen to see more Nicole Kidman movies, as I keep criticising her having not seen many of her later movies. So far, crap 3, great nil.

Neil went home. He and Ben get on so well, as they work together with Tim.

SMS. 23.31. Do u know where to get wood delivered from? – Christian

SMS. 23.31. nfi – G

I thought this meant not fucking interested. I turned to Tim and asked, rather rhetorically, I must say, is G pissed off with me? Tim laughed a few minutes later saying, no fucking idea. And something about believing the worst.

SMS. 23.35. Well you’re no help – Christian

SMS. 23.56. Slut – G

SMS. 23.58. Bitch! – Christian

SMS. 00.20. Yep – G

SMS. 00.22. Cock sucker – Christian

We smoked more pot and watched The Dawn of the Dead. It was too awful for me, stuff I didn’t need, or want, to see, so, I went to bed not long after midnight. I don’t care what anyone says, nasty material like that has to affect some people, even if it is in the unconscious realm of being numbed out to such gratuitous violence. Besides, I was fucked! Pissed. Stoned. Headache. Sore neck. Falling asleep. 

Just Stupidity

SMS. 8.53. I woke up with a better plan. I want u 2 cum Sunday afternoon & we can go 4 a walk along the bay, stop 4 quick roller coaster ride at Luna Park, watch the sunset & BB05? – Ab

I left my phone at home. I never do that normally.

Miss! how are you!! Tom

I'm good. A little foggy in the mornings, but hey, it's winter! I said.

SMS. 10.20. Oh and 2nite! I’m cri cri greedy! – Ab

Can you give me Ab's phone number, as I have left my phone at home today? I asked Tom

04xxxxxxxx Tom

I have rung everywhere and just can’t locate anyone that sells bulk fire wood.... Have you had any luck? Tim

No, not as yet, I said.

Tim's usually good at getting things done, so I can't say why do I always have to do it.

Tom, Did you ask Perry about the fire wood?

Tom's not as good at getting stuff done.

$215 for a tonne delivered. He also recommends you get a few bags of redgum kindling. Tom

Did you find out where he got it from? A phone number would be good.

You didnt ask me that Miss!! said Tom. I'm sure Wesley will have it :)

Herumph! was my reply. I could say always me, at this point, but I won't

Now now, you know you would love to call Wesley. (Tom thinks Wesley and I should just get it over and done with and do it.) Shopping wasn't much fun, I didn't buy anything! I'm off for a nap, and maybe my boyfriend Mark Windsor will call me tonight and ask me over for dinner!

And maybe he won't. I was feeling pissy by that stage.

Tom was here when I got home. He was off the Shane and Mark W.’s. He was waiting to say hello to Tim, but left just before Tim got home with Ben

I arranged to go to Ab’s on Sunday instead of tonight. I arranged to go to Bolago on the weekend. But I’m going out with Tom on Saturday night to a dance party. My busiest week next week and I’m doing d's on Saturday night. I don’t think I am coping at the moment with all the marijuana and d's I am doing. 

I’m feeling like shit too much of the time for it to be any fun. They never notice at work.

I’ll have to message Ab and let her know.

I don’t feel like I am living a real life. I have to stop all of this. It’s just stupidity.

But, I’ve turned into a boring git, otherwise. Get with the program, Christian.

I feel like sediment at the bottom of a water tank. I’m turning to jelly. I so have to do some exercise soon. Get it all flowing again. I feel all stodgy and blocked. I need an adrenaline rush. I need my lungs to pound for breath. I need to get out and see the world. I need to ache!

I went to bed at 21.30

Staying Tonight

 Subject: Wednesday

Mark

Can you just ring Sharyne and ask her to post back the bank statements, as she promised she would do. I'll have to get my tax ready.

Can you send me Julien's email address.

Lovely morning. The sun is shining.

Christian

Subject: Sunny Wednesday

Hey CHris

How are you today?

I am staying tonight, if that's cool.

Got a heap of stuff on today – healer, hospital, Erica Thompson’s bday dinner – and then tomorrow you know what?

I'm going shopping!

Love ya

Tom

Subject: Sunny Wednesday

Staying tonight is cool. I'm off to my mum's for dinner.

I don't know what "you know what" is tomorrow... but good luck with it anyway.

Christian

Subject: Sunny Wednesday

"you know what" was a question

What am I going to do?

SHOP! Thats what I'm going to do.

See u when u get home

Tom

Subject: Sunny Wednesday

How lovely

Christian

Subject: middle room

Hi Christian,

Just wanted to let you know I will have the middle room cleaned up by this weekend!!... I’ve kind of spread my Sh*t everywhere

Tim

Subject: middle room

Just as well!

Christian

Subject: middle room

he he

Tim

Subject: middle room

He, he, he. Big smile.

Christian

Subject: middle room

I had a great sleep last night... and a pretty good...

Tim

Subject: middle room

Good to hear... Beau seems like the boy to...

Christian

Subject: middle room

he is... velly velly nice!!

Tim

It rained on the way home. I walked in it. My jacket looked as though it had shiny crystals all over it by the time I was standing in the kitchen.

Tom was here before I went to my mum’s for dinner. He was going to Erica Thompson’s twenty fifth birthday.

There was a messages from Ab, with $120 on the kitchen bench.

4 u Chr C:) (with a rabbit head and knife dripping blood.

xxx

hey ho I will

be off now to

get further

instalments…

love

me (with a heart)

P.S.

Are you still up4 dinner

2morrow or have you

Forgotten & want to change nites???

Driving home in the dark of the night, the car just seems to slip through, like an arrow through the air or hot knife through butter.

I watched TV with Tim and Beau and went to bed around midnight.

SMS. 23.18. (Ab) Of course, I’m coming to dinner, I’ll call u tomorrow – Christian

Perfect Housemate

Subject: sunny Tuesday

Tim really is the perfect housemate. He understands lighting, he understands décor and what colours to introduce and he has money. He is really the only one who has ever paid his way and been willing to pay a little more. Not that he has to, of course, but I’m sure you get what I mean? One less drama.

But of course, living with Tim is a bit like going out with Manny. Where living with Ab is a bit like going out with Josh. It’s just different. Both have benefits... but in the end, the above reasons win out. I can always read a book in the evenings... I guess. I'll always be satisfied, well, physically with Manny. Tim’s probably easier. Both light my life in different ways. But it is nice just being gay boys again.

How are you miss? Still quiet.

Christian

Subject: What do ya reckon?

My sh*t does stink... like sour hops from CUB brewery. Do you think it's the antibiotics? It's ruining my reputation. Never before....

Christian

Subject: Tuesday

Hello. How are you? Good afternoon.

Christian

Subject: What do ya reckon?

yes it could very well be the antibiotics

Tom

Subject: sunny Tuesday

Hey Christian

Yes Tim is certainly a lovely man, and while I didn't venture into the subject of earnings, I did wonder how Ab managed to keep up.

I'm okay – back to the hospital this arvo for my ward orientation, and a specialist meeting.

On Saturday night, I had what I can only describe as a panic attack. It was overwhelming, unexpected, and uncontrollable. Thankfully, Keith was there, and we had just left Shane and Mark W's so we could sit in the car while waiting for it to pass. Which took about 3 hours. It was just awful, I've never experienced such a high level of anxiety.

So, that's why I've been quiet – feeling a bit fragile about everything to tell the truth. It's one thing to affirm that I will be better in 12 months time. It's another to go through the twelve months day by day.

Very daunting.

But, here I am nonetheless.

Got a 5pm appointment today – might drop by after it, but if I'm not there by 6 or so I won’t be there at all.

Would like to stay tomorrow night though?

xTom

Subject: Tuesday

Cri Cri Pee, how are thee? Having a lovely day I hope……Just got a phone call from Jules, he’s good, says he’s having moments of “what the f..k have I done”, but that’s to be expected I guess. Then another phone call 5 min after from him, asking us for $600 for a bond – but unfortunately we can’t do it at the moment. What goes on in some people’s heads cri cri? Love, Luke

Subject: Tuesday

Lu

It's too funny! I got a sms from Jules last night saying that all was well, hot and sunny. And he'd put me down as a reference for renting a house, he hoped I didn't mind. You know, maybe I was a bit mean, but I sent him back what my immediate reaction was.

A rental reference? You can’t be serious?

What goes on indeed?

Christian

Subject: Tuesday

Hi Cri…We just made $3,190.00 from Monash Uni….cool heh….down bankcard down…

Are ya coming up this weekend…..We’ve just got the Beefsteak and Burgundy club dinner on Satdy noit….So the food should be good…

Mark

Subject: Tuesday

I haven't thought about the weekend, as yet. But, I was thinking, just yesterday, that I should spend more time at Bolago.

Christian

Subject: Sunny Tuesday

I read over that email I sent you this morning. You must have thought I’d lost my marbles. It didn't even make sense. So I thought I'd give it a second attempt.

Christian

Subject: A-hem

(Josh)

And nothing? Poi Qui?

And I’ve got more of ya bits of tat on my front door step. How did that happen? You’d better hope there isn’t an unburnable rubbish collection between now and when you get here, me luv. You could be cutting it fine, just let me go and check my fridge magnet. Because if there is, you can kiss ya old bits of junk good bye, now. It’s that simple. A bit like chain emails, really, forgone conclusion.

Me? I’ve been reacquainted with a lovely herb. So life’s good. Even if I did think I looked one hundred years old this morning, when I first gazed in the mirror. I really must get healthy, do some exercise. Sloth is my name. I kid you not. I haven’t exercised all year. I always look ten years younger, when I do. I stop frightening young children.

It just seems like such an effort.

Tom’s gearing up for hospital.

Julien has moved to Darwin. He got the call, brudda.

Manny gives me dirty phone calls. Got love that.

Life’s good.

The job’s lousy, but at least it is well paid. It will always be drama though. But then what job isn’t?

How big was the mutiny over your marking this year, me luv?

It’s a shame that Reg won’t be here, when you come and stay.

Tim has just cooked me dinner.

Gotta go.

Subject: Tuesday Night

(Tom)

This panic attack? You didn’t, by chance, inject crystal before hand? I gotta ask. You were out with Keith, on a Saturday night, after all.

It’s what drugs do…can do… to you.

I’m just glad that my shit has turned solid, after being brown water for weeks, that’s squirted out my arse

I don’t really know what a panic attack is. It doesn’t register to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had to panic about anything.

How does that differ from fear? Do you feel like you are actually not going to make it through, as the panic is happening? Is that the difference?

Joint?

Christian

Subject: Sunny Tuesday

That does make more sense

Tom

Subject: Sunny Tuesday

I reckon it's because I'm still stoned for the first few hours of work.

Christian

Subject: a-hem

Yes yes yes.

Background noise. Like a sort of whining yiping Sydney Silkie sort of buggering.

Yes yes. Interviews, going to Switzerland, marks.

Yes yes. I KNOW.

God when will she ever stop...?

What junk, what tat? What garbage collection? I don't understand... how can that be...?

Moles

PS we will visit Tomi in hospital, that we will

Subject: a-hem

I’ll give you background noise around the ear, young man.

And after I’ve gone and cleared it with Mark, you coming and all. Going to Bolago, that is.

Your manky old fork & shovel, that’s what’s going to the tip, me luv!

Christian

Subject: a-hem

What?!!

Me?

Bolago?

(I find this quite a sensible idea – hatchets, burying, something to do with 3 weeks in Melbourne...).

But can this be...?

(I have been paid for a week's worth of teaching and I have taught not one lesson – last week, silly season, video watchin', room cleaning, surprise excursions and then heatwave weather (er, 30 degrees huh!) so NOT A SAUSAGE!)

So I am TRYING to get HYPEREXCITED about Aussie, but of course it will all sink in in all its lovelyness when we are there.

The lovely Mark, the lovely Luke... who would have thort it...

Moley van Hauptmole

PS You sure know how to get a Mole's attention...

 

Bright Intelligent Funny Witty Loving

I felt so seedy this morning, so much so that I sat on the edge of my bed and just wanted to take the day off, crawl back into bed, throw up - not really, but almost. I calculated taking a day off and realised I couldn't do it, not so soon. Besides, it's every day that I want to take off. I don't want to work anymore! My head spun. Life is so unfair, I thought. I could be sooo happy writing at home. How do I do that...

So, as I sat on the edge of the bed looking at the time which said 8.20am, I realised I had to stop day dreaming about a day off and just get going. I left the house at 8.30am. Not bad going, but no coffee, no muesli, no nothing. Thank the universe I had a shirt ironed.

I so wanted to take the remains of my twif and throw it in the first rubbish bin. But I didn't. I soooo have to stop and start exercising and get healthy.

Now, I feel like I'm walking sideways, foggy-headed, feeling as though I'm going to fall down, burning in the chest. All I need is the squirts and I'll know what to blame it on. Clearly, I'm too old for this.

I've had two long macs.

My lungs feel atrophied.

Subject: shaky Monday

Hmmmm.... I can't imagine how you are feeling having gone out with Keith on Saturday night, (but you've been quiet ever since) but me, I feel decidedly seedy. Goodness, I had a couple of restful days too. Felt like I was going to puke in the gutter as soon as I left the house this morning. Boo-hoo!

Fuzzy, thick head. Er!

Christian

Subject: dish

Hi Christian,

Hope you are well!!

I had to borrow a microwave dish to take some soup to Beau's last night – I will get Beau to bring it in tomorrow (I hope you don't mind).... Apparently, I fell down the stairs on Friday night ... that explains the knee and the sore back....

Im going to have a quiet one tonight... might just go and grab a bite with Anna...

C U tonight.... X x

Tim

Subject: dish

That's fine about the dish. Everybody, at least once, falls down those stairs. See you tonight.

Christian

Subject: Monday

(M&L)

Morning. How are you today? Good, I hope? Lovely day.

Christian

I scuttled off to lunch not feeling too much better. I sat quietly with my head buried in the newspaper. Nobody got my attention.

Subject: Monday

Mornin to you... yes it is gorgeous... gorgeous Wane Wayne and more wain... gorgeous...

Mark

Subject: Monday

Rains good. Lubly wayne. I feel seedy today. Do you miss me?

Christian

Subject: Monday

That all depends on who you are today...

If you are the sluggish sallow skinned annoying bitter doped or drugged coming down old reprobate that I had dinner with... (and no they aren’t the best writers) then NO

But if you are the bouncy full of life bright intelligent funny witty loving natural Cri Cri that I’ve always loved...then yes indeedy do dah day... I miss him..

Mark

Subject: Monday

I had such a sense of missing you when I wrote the first email, that I just thought I'd tell you... or ask, as the case may be.

Christian

Subject: Monday

We miss you 2 dear Cri…

Mark

Subject: What time do you get home?

Hi Christian,

I need to pick up my mobile phone from your house. Can you let me know what time you get home tonight?

Thanks,

Shane

Subject: What time do you get home?

I'll be home about 6.15 to 6.30.

Is that who's mobile phone it is. I thought it must have been Beau's, Tim's B/F.

Christian

Subject: What time do you get home?

No just dizzy me. Will see you around 6:30....i hope.

Shane.

Late in the afternoon…

Subject: shaky Monday

ooh long story but i am alive...

Tom

Subject: shaky Monday

Always a story, miss... should this be called skanky Monday?

Christian

Subject: shaky Monday

no no mental health monday perhaps

will tell ya laters

Tom

Of course, I had a joint as soon as I got home. Although, I did buy a new packet of filters, just in case, I guess, I decided to have just a wee one.

SMS.20.02. Hi doll! All is well and hot and steamy!! Put you down as a referee for a new place hope that’s cool x – Julien

I laughed when I read this sms. My initial reaction was, You can be serious? But I decided that I couldn’t say that. So I stopped and thought about it. Julien is the only friend who I would say no to, should he ever ask me if he could come and live with me. Which is a huge shame, as a Julien is a great guy and a pleasure to live with. But last time he lived with me, I had to ask him repeatedly for rent, always saying that I hated asking him and that he had to promise that I wouldn’t have to pull him up like dad again to ask him for it. Nothing ever changed. He left owing many months and then was difficult about the bills. I know he is always broke, or not earning much, but whose fault is that? I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. Its mean not helping him out when he’s in a new place, an unfamiliar city. I don’t want him to think that I wasn’t here for him, if he needed me. But quite frankly, I doubt that I could give him a good reference for a rental property, quite frankly, without laughing. So, in the end, I decided to go with my first thought, as much as it pained me.

SMS. 22.06. A reference? You can’t be serious? – Christian

I was watching Big Brother with Tim and I didn’t tell him until after I had replied. I didn’t want Julien thinking that Tim had any influence over me.

SMS. 22.05. Ok – Julien

I felt sad again when I got Julien’s response. It seemed little and hurt and alone.

SMS. 22.16. Hey Perry, how much is the wood you get? – Christian

Tim went to bed earlish. I went to bed to watch Big Brother Up Late. I woke up with the TV blabbering on sometime during the wee small hours.

Sleeping Late

Jane was driving Jules to the airport at 5.30am, so as it’s now 8am, I guess he’s halfway, more than, there by now. That’s Darwin and not the airport, you understand. Well, hopefully. He’s gone there to live. He’s always done that, if Melbourne gets too hard.

Tom

Joint?

Christian

The morning is still and quiet, not a soul is stirring, not even a mouse. Missy’s looking for food, though. Of course. That’s a given. She didn’t get to her size without a healthy appetite.

One of the good things about Ab sleeping late was that I always got the mornings to myself. Tim’s been up, but thank the lordy do dah day, he’s gone back to bed. I like living with late sleepers, means I can get up and get stuff done in peace. Well, peace isn’t quite the right word, but I’m sure you get what I mean.

If I had Ben in my bed, I’d be hopping back there quick smart. He’s such a lovely guy. And what a cute smile. Actually, I can’t wait for Tom to meet him, he is sooooo Tom’s type. Blonde, boysey, strapping, a little rough, in a gay sort of way. Even down to the Mohawk – faux as it might be. Baby Mohawk, maybe. In training…

But now Tim has gone back to bed and the house is still and quiet again.

I went back to bed and had a wank. Then I watched the bit of Big Brother which I taped on Friday night. Then I watched Riding in Cars with Boys, which taped after Big Brother.

Tim and Ben left the house, at about midday, so I decided that was my signal to go to my mum’s. So, without any more thought, I showered, dressed and left.

The sooner I got to mums the sooner I could leave and have another joint.

Now I’m home stoned – everything goes funny and on dim lighting. The world floats by, as if, in a distant haze.

I went to bed and watched Big Brother and the last episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. I ate two chocolate bars and a tin of plumbs. Then I watched the making of Live Aid from twenty years ago, with quite a few of the then performers being interviewed today.

I think I turned off the light at 1.30am.

Subdued Lighting

I got up at 9am with a pounder of a head ache. I called mum and put her off until tomorrow, went and got coffee beans, took mersyndol and antibiotics and went back to bed.

I got up again at 4pm. It was already getting dark.

It’s nice to see towels in the bathroom that are all different shades of dark green and not Ab’s taste of pink, baby blue and blood red, which never suited this house. There is only minimal lighting on down stairs, not Ab’s every light blaring. And the dirty-laundry basket has ceased is residency in the hallway outside the laundry.

Morning Christian

How are you?

Thanks for the Gaydar idea – I guess there's a few things that I can buy now that I wouldn't have bought before.

I was thinking of buying a laptop for hospital, but have decided against it. The security aspect shits me, and also, they have Foxtel on the haematology ward, and I think I would rather lie on bed watching TV than sitting up chatting on Gaydar.

"What’s happening Tom’ah?"

"Oh just had my total body irradiation".

It seems a trite and false window on the world, which I'd rather not subject myself to, quite frankly. And I get grumpy enough thinking of things I'm missing out on in hospital!

So, no laptops yet Miss. Though, with the interest from the 75K that I am putting away, we should be able to get a couple of lovely ones in 12 months time.

I could just about go shopping next week though, for some noice clothing perhaps, and a good pair of slip-on shoes.

Woohoo for $$$$!

And I was secretly pleased that Ab didn't need to me help her move out – pleased for her that is. Let the boyfriend pay for everything, I say!

xTom

Miss

As I mentioned previously, next Saturday is my last of freedom, and I am thinking ID...

I've sorted with Perry to get some lovely gems from Adelaide, with which I intend to ply you ferociously, should you choose to come.

Ticket on me as well.

How can you turn down an offer like that?!

It might be the Last Chance you get to dance with me!

hahahaha x 1000

xTom

I seem to have scored some speed for tonight.... Mr Pointy – eat ya heart out!

Enough to slip that loaded fit into Coco as well!

Tom

Miss?

Christian

there you are

Tom

wow you came in n out fast

might see u tomorrow

Tom

It’s nice that it’s a boy’s house again. Girls always have angst about them. Oh, I don’t mean that. It’s just a different energy. The fire is blazing and only the lamps are on. Boy's are more relaxed.

Me, Julien and Mark and Luke and Mark W. and Shane went out for dinner as a farewell to Julien, who goes to Darwin to live tomorrow. We went to Chocos. The food was fantastic. You won’t be getting that in Darwin, Jules.

Just on the lighting thing, when we got home the house was in darkness, just Tim and Ben curl together on the couch by the light of the tv. Just gotta fucken love that. I hate coming home to an amusement park.

SMS. 21.47. Loaded fit under spare room pillow – Tom

SMS. 21.50. You’ll go to hell young lady – Christian

SMS. 21.51. But won’t we have fun! You are my target next week miss – Tom

SMS. 21.53. So I gather – Christian

They were all gone by 10pm.

I watched TV with Tim and Ben, smoking joints the whole while, of course, until I woke up at 4 am alone on the couch.