Carnival? Really? Some tacky picnic where we have the same tired dog shows and the same tired lube wrestling, every year. The same old same old same old same old. For a group of people who are meant to be so innovative and creative... I ask you? Always the same stuff. Community stalls run by serious lesbians and health stalls run by over the hill queens.
I'm guessing it is all monogamy and children now that we are going after marriage?
Do I even want to go? If I was asked... I ask me?
Shane never asks me to go to things, no he doesn't. I'm sure over the previous however many of years I have said no too often. Well, with him and David it was always "Come out for a drink, come out for a drink." And then within one drink of being there they'd disappear to the sex rooms never to been seen again and I'd be left standing on my own.
So, I'm sure it is my fault. Yes, I'm sure it is. What is the opposite to boy crying wolf too often?
Of course, Shane never thinks about anyone but Shane. We know that. I some times wonder if jealousy plays apart in all of this... I have what he wants. Anyway? I don't know?
I had plenty of occasions to say that I wanted to go, today. I could have said it. Easy. "I'll come too."
"Sure, come too," would have been the answer.
But... um...
Oh, I don't know how to put this? I really don't. It will seem kind of odd if I write it out in words. No, it will.
When I say "mates" I mean they are my second tier mates. All my first tier mates, the ones who I really loved and adored and who I really enjoyed being with and around, have all left me one way or another.
Tom died a few years back. When he said come out for a drink, we went out for a drink, we played pool and we hung out together. The two of us. Mates. There was none of this looking around and they were gone business.
Simon died a month after Tom. Lovely, funny, smart Simon. He threw a rope of a tree branch and... you know, if I could get him back just for a moment, I would so slap his face for doing that.
Anthony went nuts and has only just come back into my life, a shadow of his former self.
Mark and Luke moved to NSW a few months ago.
And you know, if Sam had been here, I would have happily gone to Carnival with him. It would have been fun with him. But with Shane and Sebastian and Nick and D, desperately showing off his new and only boyfriend that he has ever had... all of them thinking they are fabulous when they really are just... well, usually trying far too hard to be interesting.
Oh, maybe I'm just missing Sam.
None of them asked me if I wanted to go. Of course, the common denominator here is, actually, me. So, I'm not blaming any one but me, don't get me wrong. It is something I have done, clearly. And the truth is that I don't really want to go... not with them, not really.
So, why do I feel... um... left out?
We're hard to please aren't we, us humans? A mass of contradictions, hey? I wanted to be asked so I could turn the invitation down, that is the only conclusion that I can come to? Which is kind of psychotic, really.
I'm going to go pump up the tyres up on my bike and go for a nice long bike ride. Clearly, I am sitting around with far too much time on my hands.
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