I Woke Up at 4am on the Couch Alone

I woke up at 4am on the couch alone. I smoked a joint and wrote this. I was going to go to work tomorrow, I really have to go to get it all done, but you know now at 4am, stoned off my brain, I’m thinking I don’t care. If you can’t take a day off because your mother died, when can you take a day off?

I didn’t really feel anything about mum, I was arguably too stoned to feel anything about anything. It had been one of those weekends where friends had arrived from interstate to stay for Xmas, I’d been in charge of the pot, as I supplied it, and I was nice and plastered, for two days. (If you want to get shitfaced, buy the gunger, it is a rule in life) It is different when your parent takes the long drawn out approach to dying, as mum did. I’d really cried it all out about her by now. I’ve driven home many days crying in the car. I cry easily and freely, I like to cry so I wouldn’t ever stop tears, but I haven’t felt any. She became a cadaver, she looked like she had been mummified in the end, with the fight to the very end. She never wanted to die. Any time you asked her, she had plans for the next ten years, she was always looking forward, no matter how cloudy that got in the end. I remember as a kid being frightened by a horror schlock movie called, When The Ants Attack. It was the first time I’d seen that dehydrated, sucken in kind of dead bodies, that was how Lottie was starting to look in her last few months. So it is was not unexpected. It is just a sense of relief, and then a sense of confusion, as it should have been so much more.

Better sneak up to bed and slip in next to Sam very quietly.

Sam woke and told me that he hadn’t put the alarm on. Yes, of course, Sam is on holidays and isn’t going to work. He sensed that I needed to wake up to message work about not going in. He assumed I wasn't going to work.

I woke up at 6.45am, there was a gorgeous cold breeze blowing in the balcony doors. I text F, as I smoked my first joint. She replied with take all the time you need. I could have easily gone to work, but really I am just too bonged over.

Another smoke before the others get up. And another coffee.

Sam was up just before 8am, just as I lost the joint I was going to smoke after I made my second coffee. But I misplaced it? I looked all around the lounge room, more than once. I felt like I was going blind and that it must be just in front of me somewhere. I looked in the kitchen again. I looked in the lounge room again. I was rolling a second one (okay, technically my third) when Sam came down stairs.

It felt cold today. It became too cold for the back door to remain open, so we closed it. Buddy is in my spot when I return to my laptop, so we cuddle up together.

The air is cold coming in the open, lounge room, window.

The first three words I see in this Facebook game I play mindlessly, as I shoved the first spoonful of muesli into my mouth,  an oblong set of letters, meant to described me.

I got, suicide, naked, malice.

Three of my favourite subjects. I raised my eyebrows.

Insert the grounds container, the coffee machine said for the longest time while Sam was cleaning it. A bit like the mantra to a 21st Century life, insert grounds container.

It was over cast, a cool wind blew. I put on Nora Jones.

I still haven’t found the lost joint. Its 9am. Mark is up.

Fen did put a tracker on Mini’s car, so he has always known where she is. She feels that he now has all the power and she has to now concede to his demands because she can’t hide from him. He wants to take April on Thursday to Mother Mary’s house. Yes, Big Boof Head Fen has run home to his (deranged) mother, as he always has. Mary is on his side, he is not to go back to Mini, because, “That girl is just not right, Mark,” said Mary. Apparently, Mary will never forgive Fen if he goes back to Mini. Seriously. Mary, you are the problem. Actually, name any member of the Smith family, they are probably to blame. (The mother's dysfunctional family)

"You have to be loyal to your son, Mark," hissed the mother of the nightmare down the phone.

"He tried to choke his wife," said Mark.

We took Buddy to the dog park, the guy with the Frenchie puppies was there, Honda and Gidget. And the mother, [insert name] Apparently we could have had Honda for $5000. It didn’t help that he ran around after Buddy, the two of them seemed to fit really easy together. Honda and his sister were adorable together. White with tan spots.

“Should I make an offer of $4000?” asked Sam.

“I tell you what,” I said. “I think we should get going to Woollies… before we own 2 dogs.”

I met up with Judi and Bruce, Nicholas’s mum and stepfather. Judi looked as ravishing as ever, purple fifties hat, black sheath, crimson leggings. There was some kind of ocelot, in the hat, as well. Bruce talk to me like he and I are the best of friends, like he always do. Up close and personal real fast.

“We’re just ducking in for a few Chrissy things,” said Judi.

“It’s good to see you.” I smiled at Judi.

“Have your heard from that son of mine?”

“No,” I said. “He said he’d call when I saw them just before they moved to Coburg.”

“Oh yes, the mansion in Coburg,” said Judi.

“But I haven’t heard,” I said.

“Do you want me to tell him when I see him?”

“Sure. Tell him.”

“Of course, I don’t know when that’ll be,” said Judi. “He never calls his mother.”

Judi and I smile at each other. Judi and I kind of flirt, not really. Sort of. Maybe just in my head? What does that say? I’m not sure. (Maybe she represents a safe space where I can flirt with her son, which I can’t do in real life) She adores Nicholas, so it isn’t hard to get her to talk about him.

We played Nora Jones and got stoned.

I spoke to the funeral people, their number is twenty four hours, 24 Hour Death. Roz laughed, "Do you think, do you?" Then she called them back and fixed it all. Lottie has a plot next to Alex (dad), Great Aunt Ada and Jimmy Mountbatten, Ada’s husband. Complete.

Everything can be emailed. Done.

It is sad, mum, it is the day after. The paperwork on your life can be completed by email. Roz checked.

I potted the agaves, we stole from the road side.

We ate prawn pasta for lunch.

I don’t know what happened in the afternoon, I think I may have passed out. Exhausted. Oops. It is not such a good look, now, hey. Mark and Luke seemed to have cat’s bum expressions when I woke up, so I guess, it mustn’t have been such a good look. Why does everyone seem to be anti fall-asleep-on-the-couch? Oh, but it is Xmas and I’m not even on holidays.

We ate salmon with chicken salad for dinner.