Miss Raspy Nasty and Mr Flatline

I woke up at 6.45. There was an enormous roll of thunder. It was one of those bright, overcast, hot, muggy, wet, warm, tropical mornings with the diffused golden light. You know, the type you most closely associate with the far north, or the deep south, where men, with sticky skin and unbuttoned shirts say, "Oh Blanche, I luvs ya so." Blanche fans herself with a moth-eaten Chinese fan, reclining on a chaise in her faded lingerie.

Buddy went straight upstairs to Sam. I opened the back door and then went to have a pee and he headed off upstairs, which was not my usual morning routine. I made coffee. Ah, morning coffee. Yum. Sam soon came down saying why couldn’t he get any peace and quiet while he slept. I started to explain about Buddy but, of course, Sam wasn’t talking about can-do-no-wrong angel dog, birds cats, thunder, mosquitos buzzing in his ears, everything else…

“I had to get up in the middle of the night and spray myself with Aeroguard. Do you hear me?”

“No.” I love being a heavy sleeper.

Sam wore a sky blue t-shirt and tight grey shorts.

“Those shorts are a little tight, aren’t they, hon?” I said.

“Yes, sexy aren’t they,” said Sam. “I think I want to wear thongs with this outfit.”

“I think you need shoes to walk into town.”

“Why?”

“Won’t it be easier to walk?”

“No, I don’t see why.”

"Surely walking... " I stopped there, I could hear my mother's voice coming out of me. (Even if I sounded nothing like my own mother, somebodies mother is more like it)

Sam wore thongs. I had on a long-sleeved shirt. It started to rain as soon as we left. It was balmy and wild and the wind roared and the rain fell, in that lot of noise, but not so much action kind of way. So we were able to walk through it, eye of the storm and all that, only having to put our umbrellas up at the last minute, well, my last minute, Sam still had a walk in front of him. Walking in the eye of the storm.

It felt like tropical far north Queensland, but without the banjo music and the distinct lack of culture, you understand.

The wind whipped up as we crossed Victoria Parade. My umbrella blew inside out.

There was a cute boy at the lifts, who I couldn’t help but notice how filled he out the front of his jeans. (I'm only human)

We got chatting. He asked me what floor?

I said “I needed a pass for my floor.”

“Oh yeah, so do I.” He laughed.

“This early in the morning,” I said.

“I forgot how early it was,” he said.

He smiled at me. Cute face. “It was wild outside,” he said. Blonde hair. I think he wore glasses.

“Yeah, but I kind of like it.”

“Yes, so do I.” He seemed very friendly and as though he really liked to talk. Our eyes met. He smiled.

“That was until my umbrella turned inside out.”

“But you managed to save it.” So you noticed, I thought.

The lift got to my floor. I got out.

I looked back “Have a nice day.”

“Yes, you too.” He smiled. Cute boy, I thought.

F wasn’t in. I was hot and sweaty. (The weather, the boy) I turned on my computer, my clothes were sticking to me. I got my jug of water, so then I could sit down and fan myself cool with some serious paper waving. Long slow deliberate strokes. No one was there, no one could see me. The cool wafts of air were exhilarating.

I wondered if F would be away today? She was building up to a sickie yesterday, with the dizzy business. Is she a hypochondriac? Maybe? Or is she just fat? I should say unhealthy. Who knows? She believes cholesterol is a myth. (raised eyebrows)

F text at 9am to say she’d be in at 10am.

I went and got coffee, immediately, not really sure why. The cute boy from earlier was on my mind. I wondered if I’d see him as the lift stopped at my floor. One floor above, you never know.

F got in at 10.30am. You know, I like F, I’m very happy to be working with her, I’d hate to give you the opposite impression. We get on well. She’s nice.

It was one of those thick, muggy, heavy, mornings, grey and plump with moisture, like a fully drenched sponge.

Once HR had all arrived there was a lot of jibber jabber, but it was just lovely for the first hour and a half.

I ate stir fried veg for lunch and read the newspaper online. Joe Hockey said if he’d stayed in politics he would have pursued his enemies who’d bought him down. Really? Angry Joe? I am surprised. What a very little man. Fancy admitting that you are so spiteful and vindictive. Tony Abbott bought a second hand refrigerator from GumTree for $300? Very curious. Tone’s not leaving parliament any time soon, the psychopath is just deluded enough to think he could regain the Prime Minister’ship. Kimy and Kanye named their son Saint West. Oh god out of the way I want to barf! Australian’s are fat and unfit, but at least drink and smoke less. Woo-hoo! Some gorgeous photographed is going blind, all of which proves there is absolutely no god.

Mr Flatline personified and Little Miss Raspy Nasty both got on the phones in the early afternoon and did their worst, just rabbiting on for hour upon hour, upon hour. Mr Flatline’s propensity to talk is enormous, what is it that they say, empty vessels make the most noise.

I popped my headphones on and listened to the Rockmelons. Little Miss Nasty Raspy never, let us stop for a moment and consider this, never, think of this as underlined, I mean never, shuts her mouth. And Mr Flatline is like an incessantly dull conversation that just forgot to stop. He makes the skin on milk look interesting.


I just didn’t have all that much to do for the afternoon.

I started balancing my November monthly figures with my headphones on.

It was hot when I left work, really hot. The sun was blazing down. I didn’t go for a walk after work because it was just too hot. Yesterday, it was raining, today it was blazing. Melbourne weather.

Sam said the grey shorts he wore today nearly strangled him. I tried to tell him this morning. We drank tea.

Then the weather changed and the cool change rolled in. So I headed off with my headphones and the Rockmelons for a walk. The late afternoon sun shone down in long angles.

In Swantson Street near Melbourne University, I started seeing Why not? Bible Studies flyers stuck to light posts, the same that had been under the windscreens wipers of the cars in my street. I took them down. I came home with a pocketful of them.

Sam took Buddy to the dog park and I met them both there. We three walked home together.

We ate stir fried veggies for dinner.