Monogamy

I guess I believe in emotional monogamy, rather than sexual monogamy. In this world of whirling faces and too-many-men-not-enough-time kinds of attitudes, it's nice to have someone special in my life.

I don't think I'm really up for casual sex, any more. Don't get me wrong, I used to be, (Tom says I've slept with more men than anyone he knows. A claim I, naturally, dispute) but even when I was, shall we say, more of an enthusiast, I was so often left with the feeling, afterwards, of I-wish-I-hadn't-done-that, or get me out quick. This is not a judgement thing, fuck whoever you like, I would encourage you, even. But, I'm not sure that I ever found it that fulfilling, to be honest... not as fulfilling as having a boyfriend, sure.

I think it always used to be about self esteem, I think it always used to be about self acknowledgment and I think I now know that's not how you get those things.

I've always had this joke with Tom about knowing the name of the guys who we'd just fucked. Tom never cared, hardly ever bothered to even ask. But me, I always asked. Afterwards, I could always tell Tom their names. I could never just do the completely anonymous sex thing. I always had to find something I liked about the guy, otherwise it just wouldn't work for me. Even if it was snatched conversations in the dark, at a sex on premises venue. At some point between giving the nod and watching them blow, I'd have to stop and chat a bit. Often, that snatch of conversation was crucial to whether I'd continue, or grab my towel saying I needed a break.

I was always more interested in what was attached to the cock, more so than what size it was.

My point being... and I think I do have a point left here some where... to me, monogamy isn't about sex, monogamy is about wanting to be with someone. Monogamy is about being attracted to who someone is and wanting to be with that person because you want to be... and getting that in return. It is about mutual attraction. It's a heart thing. It's about being warm and fuzzy inside when they are around and them feeling the same way. It's about being honest, it's about being safe (that's the old fashioned meaning), it's about being nurtured, it's about being sure. It's about connection.

It's about holding hands, just naturally.

It's about leaving together, because you just don't want to leave with anyone else in the entire world.

And sexual monogamy?

I wouldn't accept my boyfriend leaving me on a night out to chase after someone else. I wouldn't accept him not turning up when he's supposed to because he's having sex with someone else. I wouldn't accept him interrupting my time with him because of someone else. I wouldn't accept him chasing after other people all the time. I wouldn't accept him being obsessed with finding extra marital sex. I wouldn't accept him sleeping with my friends or ex-lovers. But, if I was doing what I'm doing, otherwise happily entertained and it happened to come along for him, then it wouldn't matter, I wouldn't mind. Good luck to him.

I wouldn't accept him lying about it.