8.31am. “Good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning, good… morning… everybody,” says dopey Goong.
Jason, (We share an office, pod, area, my work buddy) nor I, don’t answer. We don’t respond. Silence. But then Jason doesn’t say much, just the way I like it.
He and I are like Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog we only say hello and goodbye, beginning of the day, and the end of the day. Jason never comments about The Idiot, or Goong, and I never comment to him about them.
9.06am.
"I'm here. I'm here," says The Idiot. "The trams are crazy today. OMG! Some girl was sick off the tram." Inane laugh. I almost find her inane laugh more annoying than the stupid yap she goes on with.
The Idiot is a fat Greek girl whose as wide as she is tall. And weirdly she smells, like mildew, or mould, or something stale. She talks so much crap.
Goong is her partner in opening-your-mouth-and-shit-falling-out crime. They are evenly matched. Sometimes, I wonder if they are the most perfectly realised comedy duo and I am just not in on the joke.
But in the end, it is just ‘stupid’ and you can’t fix stupid.
Is she just late, I think? Is this just the deflection from the real, boring truth, made up stories to mask that she is simply late? She slept in. She had trouble getting her kids ready. She got stuck in a revolving door, she couldn’t find the leg holes in her undies? Who knows?
(Stop trying to work stupid out, Christian, I think)
"Sick off the tram?" asks Goong, emphasising the "off."
"Sick off the tram," says The Idiot not realising her mistake.
"Sick off the tram?" says Goong again.
"I need to get things done and this computer better help me," says The Idiot, with her customary inane laugh. I call it The Idiot laugh.
"Here's hoping," says Goong.
"I was supposed to get here early?"
"Well, you are early for tomorrow?" says Goong
"I know," says The Idiot. Inane laugh. "I am.” Ha ha.
Stop talking, I think.
"How was your weekend?" asks Goong.
(Oh, ‘er we go, I think)
"I forgot the pin number to all my cards, credit cards everything, I couldn't even get $10 out."
"What?" asks Goong
"All the pin numbers to all my cards, debit cards, cash cards, the whole lot, over the weekend," says The Idiot. "I forgot them all." She laughs, as if it is funny.
(That’s tragic, I think)
There was silence for a time, as, I can only presume, Goong couldn't understand what The Idiot was saying.
“You for…got…"
"All the pin numbers, to all my cards, total mind blank," says The Idiot. "Lucky I had some back up money."
(One might question why you'd need to go to the ATM if you have back up money… one might wonder?)
"It must have been very relaxing," says Goong.
(Huh?)
"What?" says The Idiot.
"Well, you wouldn’t have to worry anymore," says Goong. "If you can't remember…"
“Oh yes,” she says, but you can tell she has no idea.
“Done,” says Goong.
“Done alright,” says The Idiot.
“Nothing to worry about,” says Goong.
"I was just happy to know I was coming in here," says The Idiot.
"You were happy to come to work?" asks Goong.
"Yes, at least I knew half my mind would be in here," says The Idiot. "And I don't have to worry about money…"
"Or the lack of it," says Goong.
"What?" asks The Idiot.
"You don't have to worry about your forgotten pin numbers."
"Oh… yes… no," says The Idiot, as if she still had no idea what Goong was talking about.
“Oh, shut up.” I meant to whisper, but I said it out loud enough for Jason to hear. I hoped he didn’t hear. Of course, he wouldn’t react.
“So much to do. Don't know what I have done. Got to get moving. Get this show on the road," The Idiot says. Not really sure who she was talking to?
"Did I give you the blah blah, blah blah, blah blah?" asks The Idiot.
"Yes, you did," replies cute Declan.
"Did I? You see things are bad," inane laugh, "I can't remember anything. I need to do crosswords to make my brain think again," says The Idiot.
“All good,” says Declan.
Mercifully there is silence. The morning started to settle into the morning hum as mornings do.
The next thing I hear is Goong say, "Like a fat lady on fire?"
I loved that image. Well, not really a real person burning, of course, I don’t want to see that. Maye, a cartoon character, with a blonde, platted beehive, and Dame Edna Everage glasses pointy at the edges, and a poppy print kaftan running down a hill in a blaze of orange flames. Maybe a poodle with pearl earrings. And a yellow fluffy cat on an orange velvet collar.
"Like a married lady," says The Idiot. “Like a married Lady.”
"A married lady?" questions Goong.
"A married lady," says The Idiot.
"I'm guessing she would keep a blog," says Goong. "First Monday, first Tuesday, first Wednesday…."
"First Monday as a married lady," says The Idiot.
"First Monday," says Goong.
"Today," says The Idiot.
"Today," repeats Goong.
"First Monday…as… a pregnant lady," says The Idiot. Inane laugh.
"I think the baby will come quicker…"
"As a married lady," says The Idiot. Inane laugh.
"I think it would," says Goong. "As a married lady."
"You've got to laugh," says The Idiot. And she laughs that nauseating inane laugh yet again.
"The first drops that fall from her face…of joy," says Goong.
"Of joy?" questions The Idiot, as if she doesn't understand the concept.
Was Goong getting poetic? No. I must have misunderstood.
"We got a new prime minster yet, Goong," asks The Idiot.
"I don't know."
"Check," says The Idiot. "You never know in this lovely country."
She asked that continually today.
She then ranted on again about forgetting all her pin numbers and how cash was the new currency and how she'd be in trouble if it weren't for cash, then it wouldn't matter if she forgot all of her pin numbers, cash was the currency, cash is what is going to save her, save the city, save the planet. Inane laugh.
“Have we got a new Prime Minister yet?”
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