And We Gently Come Down

What a gorgeous day, blue skies, sunshine and a cool, cool breeze. I've been around to the shops twice, couldn't get it all in my brain the first time. A bit frazzled, 3 e's. The breeze up Gertrude Street was heaven sent. The out of it people were not - a buff, shirtless boy with his girlfriend, who couldn't have got his eyes to both look in the same direction, if he tried. And a couple of boguns, in ACDC t-shirts, who headed into the shop, in front of me, and spent up big on booze.

Nurse Betty was fun; inside dance floor, balcony to groove on, buff boys, good music and most of my friends were there. And, I feel remarkably good, all things considered. A little frayed around the edges, sore jaw, a little achy, but, pretty much, okay. Who said drugs were bad for you? Take no notice of your parents kids, experiment and find out for yourselves. It's funny really that the authorities and parents only give you the down side, they don't tell you that the majority of recreational drug uses are having so much fun.

The feuding factions (of my friendship base) weren't both represented; Shane staid away, so the ex-boyfriend, Mark W, and his posse could enjoy themselves. David didn't go either, as he'd been in rehab, he, he, he, actually a retreat for six days where he wasn't allowed to speak. So he was floating on his own, natural, cloud when he got home, just as I was leaving for the party.

There's always one boy at every dance party with who I become fascinated, for at least part of the night. Some times for a short time, some time for much longer. Drugs do that to me. There's always one. Eyes, face, chest, the way they dance, the curve of their arse, the way they laugh or smile, some body part that captures my imagination. Last night, it was a hairy-chested, shirtless, stocky, whiskered-face, beautiful blue eyes, scruffy hair, pieced nippled, Aussie boy. He was just wearing jeans, which sat kind of low on his hips and gave him the most perfectly shaped bulge in his pants. Seemingly, shaft down, giving him that long, half-bonner, separating his two, large round balls, look. You could see his genitals, nicely cupped by blue denim. I couldn't take my eyes off his bulge, for the first few hours of the night, on and off. It's not really a sexual thing, as such, more of a fascination. Although, if it's a boy's cock you are looking at, it can't help but be sexual.

He got it too. I got his attention. He was a cool dancer and he started doing subtle moves that involved his hands in the waist of his jeans, pulling his pants up, pushing them down, generally showing his bulge off. As his beautiful blue eyes came to gaze at me with intent. He was gorgeous.

And Nick, I hear you ask? Well, my good mate Sebastian - there are a couple of Sebastians, so don't get confused. Let's say that this one is Sebastian C and the other one is Sebastian P - turned up with a cute Italian boy. And if he hadn't got my attention already, he certainly did when Sebastian said, "Christian, this is Nick." We spent a lot of the night dancing together. I realised Nick reminded me of my ex-boyfriend Lauri. He had the same smile - it was so the same smile as Lauri that it threw me a little. He had brown eyes instead of green. When Lauri used to get excited, or out of it, he had a line that used to form straight up his forehead, with a couple of faint ones either side, we used to call it his chooks foot. Quite amazingly, Nick had the same thing. But, I was too aware of getting carried away on drugs and being too full on with him, so I held back all night. Probably, the completely wrong tactic, no doubt, but that's what I did. Even the fact that we both flirted really gently and intermittently with each other, smiles and responses, throughout the night didn't stop the reserve I had with him. We made comments about people, with our eyes, all night. You know if people invaded our dancing space, or were really out of it. We'd both end up laughing because we just got what the other one was meaning all night, just naturally, without any words of explanation.

However, Sebastian loves nothing more than a protege to go out with, so I'm sure I will run into Nick again.

At one stage, when I was coming back from the bar with my bottle of water, I thought I saw Tom, out of the corner of my eye, dancing on the dance floor. After the party, I was telling David and he responded with, "How do you know it wasn't Tom?"

That never occurred to me until David said it, which sent a chill up my spine, because I hadn't thought of it that way.

I must be more out of it than I realise, as my eyes welled with tears, as I thought of Tom.

My first New Year without him.

Love you Christian.

Love you Tom.