Me And My Big, Drunk Flapping Gob! Ya Just Gotta Luv Me For It

Josh was looking a little down in the mouth, as the boy he likes, with who he has just rekindled a thing after last seeing him in primary school, hasn't returned his calls today.

He's around here pacing, checking his phone every five minutes.

Steven has just come out as gay and his mother called Josh's mother and the two mothers schemed to get the two of them together. Cute huh?

Josh and Steven have spent the last week together.

Well, Josh kind of likes him and there could be a million reasons why Steven hasn't called back, but Josh is nervous about it. Ansy, is a good word to describe him.

And I'd had couple of red wines, that’s two, and I was a bit fucken maggoted! Am I a cheap drunk, or what? And I couldn't help myself, I just had to share the fact that I had all three of mine text me y'day morning saying they want to see me.

Truthfully, I could do without it. But, Josh called me a maggot and stomped off to the sauna.

Well, all that pacing and phone checking just had to stop. It was driving me nuts!

Hick!

David has just found out that his new boyfriend has been lying and cheating and been unfaithful all the way along? So, he's ditched him and has taken to his bed.

There is a slight, although I don't really believe it, suspicion that the boyfriend has been messing around with Shane, who is now in Italy, with the beautiful Sebastian, and unable to defend himself.

blue speedos

Eanie, Meanie...

I've got three guys going at the moment. Really, it's almost doing my head in, it's too much. I know, what a hardship, you say.

I'm not sure how it happened, like so much drift wood gathering together, I suppose. Oh, that kind of makes it sound sort of terrible, when it's not. They are all nice. I like all three for different reasons.

And they all seem to like me, which is also nice.

The three of them know about each other. I mean, I haven't shared specific details of each, but I have said that I am seeing other people to each of them.

But, it's too many, all three want my attention. All three want to spend time with me. And with three of them, I don't, actually, have that much time, as well as having time for me. So, I'm going to have to cull.

My still, small voice tells me that, maybe, I should cull all them all. If I'm not able to be clear on who

I want to give my time to then maybe I don't really want to give my time to any of them, exclusively. One should stand out, but he doesn't. I like them all fine, but not enough. Does that make sense?

You see, I think I'm ready for another boyfriend. But, as Tom used to always say to me, "You are never going to find a boyfriend if you keep filling the space with other guys." (He was mostly talking about Manny, however... Tom never really believed Manny was right for me.)

I like having sex with each of them, but I could simply go to a sex on premises venue to have those needs met and not have to give time to anyone.

I'm not sure that I want that much sex, either, that three guys on the go necessitates. I'm not in my twenties any more. (laugh)

Ravi is often saying that he doesn't see nearly enough of me. Alex is always trying to negotiate time to fit in around the boyfriend he is cheating on. Ben, that's the new guy, hasn't got to that stage yet, but is already scheduling his days off and my days off. And I seem to be in the middle with my head spinning ever so slightly.

Oh, I don't know? Maybe, I'm over processing? They are all still at the semi casual stage. Maybe, I should just chill out and enjoy the ride. 

Whose the Handsome Boy on Idol?

You Know, Just To Say That I'd Done It

David was doing GHB with his boyfriend last night. They were going to a fisting party. I told David that I wanted to try some, GHB not fisting, just to see what it was like; to see if the legendary ultra-hornyness effect was true. I asked him if he could leave me some. One shot, you know, just to say that I'd done it. Lazy Saturday, two days to recover, why not.

"Oh, it's probably not a good idea to do it on your own..."

"Why?" I asked.

"It's good to have someone keep an eye on you, just in case your heart stops."

"Huh?" I'm sure I had incredulous eyes. "You can't be serious." I laughed.

"What?" David asked. "You shouldn't drink alcohol or vitamin C..."

"Actually, don't worry, I don't want to do it that badly."

Alex was, probably, coming over, but that was hardly the point. I just don't think I'm interested in something that comes with a warning that it might stop your heart. What's that about? What happened to a little lushness, a bit of dancing, maybe and some nice snogging, I ask you? Where the biggest worry you have is if your cock goes soft. Not death, I'm not wanting to dice with death. No thanks. That doesn't sound like much fun.

"You go and have a good time," I said. "I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm Sure."

The Eyes Have It

It's Not Me, It's You

Oh, have I turned into a hard arse, lately? I'm not really sure.

I came home in the afternoon, in the rain to have my roller door play up with its new favourite trick, no, not failing to close, but closing and then opening again straight away. I had to keep running back out into the pouring rain to repeatedly push the button to get it to close. (Upon reflection, I could have just left it open until the rain stopped, however...) I had hands full of shopping bags and I’d just spent most of the day with my mother - who's general impaired state, I must admit, can make me a little feisty, now a days. And, I freely admit that my wick is a little short around about now, quitting addictions and all, but really, I was coming home to my own house, somewhere I should be free of judgement by others. I believe.

Well, you see, David was in the lounge room watching a movie with a girlfriend, The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas. And I was ticked off with the roller door and I didn’t hold back with my, shall we say, colourful language.

"You cuntful peace of crap," I think was something like what I said. Repeated, to be sure!

Oh, they looked so cosy and I was a headless chook.

After that, when I finally got the roller door to stay closed and I was inside, I asked David what crap movie he was watching, which is something I always do. It’s a bit of a joke between us, he likes fairy floss Hollywood movies and, well, I don’t.

Then I stopped and looked around and sitting in the kitchen in the vase, which David normally fills with gorgeous lilies, were garish, cerise orchids.

“Could you have got uglier flowers?” I asked.

Now, I have to admit that as I asked the question, I wondered if David’s friend had bought them for him, but I didn't care enough to stop myself. I could have, but I didn't.

“My friend bought them for me, how rude,” said David.

Yes, an oops moment, but... “Well, they are a cack colour,” I said.

They really looked like David didn't have time to go to the normal florist and he'd dropped into 7 11 in desperation.

Afterwards, David came to the study door crying and asked if he had done something to upset me.

That seems to be David’s modus de operandi, if he is upset by somebody or something, he turns back into the spoilt child.

“What evidence do you have for me being upset with you?” I asked.

“When you came home you were so aggressive. You commented on the shit movie we were watching and insulted my friend about her flowers.”

“Oh, don’t be such a child...”

“Well,” pearl clutch, “that’s how it made me feel.” Sob, sob.

“Firstly, I was annoyed at having to run out into the rain five times to attend to the recalcitrant roller door and my anger was directed towards it, not you. I’m not sorry for my behaviour, I should be able to act as I please when I am coming into my own house. (David is one for presentation and I am one for presenting the same me to everyone) Secondly, I always joke about the movies you watch, you know that. The Notebook and all. (David's favourite movie) It was a joke. And thirdly, I didn't know that Marie had bought the flowers, but really, what does she care about what I think about her flowers. If she is really upset by my comment, I might suggest she go out into the real world and live a little.”

Apparently, Marie went home and cried too.

WTF?

Are we turning into a namby pamby bunch of spineless scaredy cats, or what?

Yes, we are!

It's like this new non-critical political correctness has negated our ability to deal with anger... on any level?

 

Spinning, Spinning, Spinning

Wow! Giving up pot again, even after only a binge for a few weeks takes me back to a crappy place, let me tell you. I've stopped smoking again now for a week, nothing, no j's. And boy do I feel shitty.

A bit hot and cold, a bit sweaty. A little anxious. Cranky, check! Plotting the deaths of others, check. Feeling good at other people's misfortunes, check. But, the cough has nearly gone. Cough, cough. Big smile. I haven't felt like writing anything. I haven't had anything to write, my mind has been blank.

Maybe, I'll blog pictorially for a while?

Alex was coming over this arvo to, um, er, distract me. Cheeky grin. I must give him a call. Perhaps, he could rub my shoulders. Purr!

Monday Monday

Today was the day to quit smoking again, finally, finito. It's been creeping in for the last few weeks, too many j's. The decision was made when I stood on my balcony last night and, actually, smoked a cigarette.

Ah!

I spent some time on my computer this morning, but none of it seemed to be gelling, my head was spinning, my concentration shot, so I headed back to bed.

I tried to watch teev, I tried to watch Agatha Christie on ABC - Hercule Poirot and all that. I tried to write. I had a tug and tried to sleep. Everything left me feeling unsettled.

Do something! Do something! Do something! screamed my still small voice.

There was nothing left but exercise, as the walls were closing in on me. It was the Swanston Street circuit. I stopped in Brunswick Street for a focaccia and coffee. I was going to do take away, but the Age was right there and I had my choice of any table, besides, I had to wait for the sandwich. I had nowhere to be, particularly. No cheese cake though, I’m in diet mode.

I moseyed around Hares and Hyenas. I looked at the Matthew Sheppard book. In a mother’s words. I wondered about the pain, the fear, the anger. Tied to a fence in Wyoming. Bashed. Left to die. How could one human being be so cruel to another human being? What would have been the look in Matthew's eyes? How could Aaron and Russell ignore that?

I would have bought the book, if it had been in soft cover. I would like to read the story.

I remembered, shamefully, when the tragedy first happened, thinking that one of the fiends was hot.

I read a report from the examiner at the scene who stated that the ropes around Matthew's wrists were tied so tight that they had trouble cutting them off.

The bike rider who found him, initially mistook him for a scarecrow.

Directly, or indirectly, the opportunity to be threatened, humiliated and to live in fear of being beaten to death is the special right that rightwing American Christians bestow on homosexuals.

And god loves them for it?

I walked through the Exhibition Gardens and watched a ranger stop a cyclist for riding through the gardens. Oh please, cyclists and pedestrians can share a garden path, surely? I thought of Matthew Shepard and thought how pathetic it is to stop cyclists riding through parks.

Up the Country

Later…

…peeps.

I'll get back to you.

When I am done country'ifying,

Got my nature hit,

Sat around and recharged,

amongst the gum trees,

Dah, dah-dah, dah, dah-dah, dah.

Breathed in the fresh air,

Smelt the dirt,

changed into a checked shirt,

and work boots,

picked up a broom, a rake, and a spade,

and when I was done, sat in the shade.

Then I’ll get in the car and drive to town.

Pet Hate Number 1

Pet Hate Number 1

Victoria Road, Hawthorn.

My pet hate.

The guy in front of me stopped because the car in front of him stopped – which way did it go, which way did it go? Go around you moron, go around. But, no, despite having plenty of room to go around him, he decides to prop and wait it out. So, I pulled out and passed both of them. (click of the fingers) Just like that.

At the lights, the guy in front of me, caught up. He stopped next to me and told me I was pushy and rude.

“I’m not going to wait behind you while you finger your clitoris, mate!”

“Oh, charming, fucking language,” he replied as his window glided up.

Okay... Back

I've got a cough like I've been yelping in Hades with the hounds of hell, for days. I've had two days off work sick. So much pot, so little time. I had such a migraine Monday morning, as I got ready for work, that I thought I my head was going to explode. Kerpow! Splat all over the kitchen the ceiling.

And yesterday? Well, I just had the taste for it. And today is my day off. Hands in the air. Raised eyebrows. I know!

I've come to my senses, however, no more pot. What was I thinking? Put childish things away.

It doesn't have that nice, funny affect any longer. I tend to smoke more and more (and more and more) in an attempt to feel funny and giggly and lovely, ending up brainless and shut down and staring at the teev, usually at porn. I lose weekends, like I did last weekend. Gone! Zap! Whoosh!

And then there is the cough from hell?

That's it, back to clean living.

 

Straight Boy

I picked up a straight boy on Adult Matchmaker, John. I thought I'd give a new website a bash, bored Sunday afternoon, nothing much doing. You know, a bit stoned. Call it beginners luck.

He'd only ever had sex with two other guys, over a number of years. Once drunk at a party, when a work colleague of his wife's, husband came on to him. They met up a few days later. Another time was the sixteen year old baby sitter, John swears the kid came on to him. They did it in the back seat of the car somewhere around The Carlton Gardens at midnight. He and his wife have just got divorced. He's got two sons who he takes to little aths. He's met a couple of guys since the breakup.

Dark blond hair cut short. Good looking. He's a plumber. He says mate. He says he doesn't fancy any of the guys on the work site, doesn't look at them. He likes to have sex with gay guys, because they seem to like having sex with him.

"I know that you're into me, mate," said John. "That turns me on."

He was really nervous. "How do you want to do this?" he asked me.

He still has sex with his wife, that never stopped. They just can't live together.

"I've still got needs," said John. "So has she." He smiled, strained. "I don't want another woman in my life, though."

"So, do you tell her about the guys you sleep with?"

"No!" Incredulous look.

I reached over and rub his head, I love that bristle feeling on my hand. He scrunched his shoulders and relaxed, closed his eyes.

He was different to gay guys; tentative, nervous, scared. Grateful. He was really nice. 

Off Up The Westgate

We have a joke around our place, David and I, if one of us is feeling down or blue, we'll say, I'm off to the Westgate. (To jump)

It's been that kind of week, I reckon.

All Man

Lazy Weekend

What's with this crazy-arse weather? Last night it was like midsummer, hot and sultry. Singlets. Shorts. It felt like 30 degrees. Global warming? Nah?

The fish and chip shop was shut? Yes, um, er, still on Pritikin.

The day drifted into evening like sails in the sunset.

I say that a good smile can win me over. But, it has to be a cheeky smile. Someone has to engage me to win my heart.

Alex and Ravi are too passive. Ravi just text me, How are you? Haven't heard from you?

No, you haven't, I simply wanted to reply.

Cheekiness. Upfrontedness. A touch of naughtiness is essential.

I can't do timid.

I do enough standing back for all concerned.

I got to looking at prostitutes on line. I was stoned and bored, clearly I had eaten way too much sugar. Staring and restless. Mindless, boggle-eyed. My God! Is life not fair or what? Genetically perfect, followed by genetically perfect. Pages of them. London, Paris? It's a toss up for who has the best whore. Ha, ha.

One of them messaged me out of the blue, (he must have been looking at the tracks) said he'd do me for free, he was bored, which, I guess, I should take as a compliment. Except, Sean lives in London, which, I guess, he knew when he made the offer.

Mandarin and Nutella, yum. Can you tell I'm on the j's again. Just run out, last night. Danger city! So, I went to bed early. No cigarettes for this boy.

I had to meet Guido in Collingwood up a lane. He walked over and was hiding behind a Peppercorn Tree. He's a ham. He plays it sometimes. Depends what he's been doing, clearly a good Saturday night was had by him.

Just muesli and coffee this morning, for me, though.

I've got the munchies something chronic, that's weird, haven't had them in years. It was kind of funny for a while, until I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror. Now I'm caffined to the max.

I've been home alone all weekend, I like it. It makes a change. Space, place to myself.

I should go jogging.

giggle

I've got perfect pillows on my bed, for sitting up with six more seasons of Friends.

Rush v Wildside

The boys from Rush sure are hot! Everyone of them. How I'd like to be soaped up in their showers. I think it could be my new favourite Aussie cop show, replacing Wildside, for perv factor.

Woof! Woof!

Sigh

Woof! What else is there to say?

What Was I Thinking?

I'm picking up my new work pants today. I went to Fletcher Jones, I've never shopped there before. But, I was in the burbs with my mum and her credit card so I had to make do.

Isn't that what Fletcher Jones is all about? Aren't suits their thing?

Flat fronted, in black and grey. Easy, you'd think. In and out, ten minutes. I certainly didn't get the gay shopping gene. I hate shopping! I know, stripes ripped off. Well, they only had my size in grey, the black they'd have to have ordered in. So, in the spirit of wanting to get it all done there and then, I got the black in stretch, but they had to be taken up.

And now that I'm off to collect them, I'm thinking, Why didn't I order the normal fit in, it would have been the same as going back to collect this pair today. I don't think sometimes. I've never liked stretch pants, I always find them a little clingy.

Then I'm taking my mum to the doctor, the nurses are worried about her hallucinations.

It's an action stations day off here... when I could have the house to myself, under the blue skies, in the sunshine.

 

My Friday

I'm eating sushi, as I type, because I was beginning to feel sick from the j's. Nothing since lunch, actually since my 3pm apples. Gotta remember to eat, don't just go bleary-eyed when you get home, Christian.

Chop sticks and keyboards don't exactly mix. Grimace.

David's gone to Sydney, some training or other. Shane's in Italy, with the beautiful Sebastian. I'm home alone. Of course, I have David's dishes from the last two days to keep me company. Yeah, good on ya!

God, I'm turning into a grumpy bitch! I've got to say something, otherwise I have a tendency to go passive-aggressive.

"Yeah, cheers, thanks a lot."

I might also mention that when you are going away for 5 days, maybe you might not fill the clothes line with all of your washing the morning you leave.

Living with people, you gotta luv it. David hasn't got a clue, he spins in David world. If the conversation doesn't include his name, he genuinely fades out. Perhaps, I should sleep with his boyfriend, Andy, while he's in Sydney? That would get his attention.

(Ha ha kidding, David and I don't have the same taste in men) 

Happy Birthday, Bro

I called my brother and wished him happy birthday, today. Oh well, one day late. I thought I should be nice, be normal, that's what people do.

He and I? Well? We get along okay. No great brother relationship. Not really buddies, you know, like brothers are supposed to be.

Do gay boys have close relationships with their straight brothers?

I always wished I had a cool brother, but chances are he's always wished for a straight one. Raised eye brows. Shrug.

I could tell he was pleased, though, by the tone in his voice. Chuffed. Amused chuckle. He sounded relaxed, happy.

I'll try harder, I wanted to say, but, of course, I didn't. 

Not Again?

Jasus! I'm back to smoking j's like cigarettes. Again? Feeling it in the afternoon, scampering home, can't stop, no questions, please. No! How did that happen?

David's new boyfriend is a pot head and he's been bringing it into the house, which has only encouraged David to get some too. Who never smokes.

I was only getting one bag, just for the week, last week. We've been awash with it.

Not that I'm blaming anyone but myself, you understand.

But, it's going to run out and then what? No more substitute cigarettes. Danger city! Ah! Giving up again? How did I do this to myself, again? Ah! Weak as piss!

Beats head against desk until unconscious.

Pause. Tilt head to one side. Gaze down at the desk, look back at the screen. Big smile... I have a better idea.

I call my best mate, Jill, at such moments. We talk about addictions. She talked about Mexican food and drive thrus... and how she ate seven deserts. Shrug. She couldn't decide. She always makes me feel better.

It's my brother's birthday, I should call him. 

The Lucky Country

A leading children's charity says parents in an impoverished western Sydney suburb of Mount Druitt are giving cannabis to children as young as six to "keep them quiet". Counsellors at a branch of a renowned foundation say the disturbing practice is becoming a trend.

"We are seeing six-year-olds being given bongs by their families to keep them quiet, stop them crying, or put them to sleep," a clinical psychologist said. "Our counsellors see it being used more and more as a way for families to control the kids and make life easier for the parents."

Mount Druitt and the suburbs flanking it have an average unemployment rate of 20 per cent, which is among the highest in the country.

"Kids are growing up in families who haven't worked in three, or four, generations and they believe taking drugs is normal because that's all they know."

Like Riding a Bike

Alex text me and said meet at Wet On Wellington. He'd been in the city with his friends. I'd been smoking pot all day.

Quiet relaxed, I was. Very mellow. Actually, a little too relaxed to get past the kissing and the cuddling, couldn't get it together to get hard. I've had new porn and a bag of pot, this week, you do the maths.

So, when Alex said, "Let me fuck you"
I thought, why not? I wanted be a good sport about it, it seemed only fair, as I was clearly useless.

So, I got fucked for the first time in, something like, ten years. Sex on premises venue. Vinyl couches. Like riding a bike, really, not a talent you lose. The only thing missing was the amyl.

If you'd told me this morning I'd be bending over for it by the evening, I would have laughed at you, but I did. Up against the wall, Alex was really keen and his hips moved fast, I'd forgotten how much like jack rabbits guys can be... and once it hits your prostate, it kind of gets taken out of your hands, so to speak, and I was good, he was good, and there the two of us were gasping, and jerking, and wheezing, and rutting, and spasming, and exploding before who knew who was up who.

Alex was pretty damn pleased with himself.

I was pretty pleased with myself too, all things considered.

Of Course, Everybody Is Time Poor?

This is just a justification for people not doing what they don't want to do. Society isn't any more time poor than it was in the past. It is just a choice, that is all it is.

It's a collective nonsensical idiot excuse to make us all feel better about ourselves. Oh yes, I'm busy, look at me.

Exciting New Electronic Device

Hello my dear, (Smooth, sales accent)

I would like to introduce a good company who trades mainly in electronic products. Now the company is under sales promotion, all the products are sold nearly at its cost. They provide the best service to customers, they provide you with original products of good quality, and what is more, the price is a surprising happiness to you! It is really a good chance for shopping. Just grasp the opportunity, now or never!

The web address: looking forward to your contact and long cooperation with us.com.au

Now, if you would just remove your underpants the demonstration can begin.

Josh Missed His Flight

Josh missed his flight. WTF?

He's not getting here until Monday.

Missed his flight? I don't get it. I've never missed a flight ever. There's a process, how can you go wrong? Actually, there was that one time with Kim when we were heading to Sydney. I missed it that day. Only domestic. But, Kim is a speed freak and can't get out of his own way. I was hassling him to leave, he was pissing about, doing god knows what. Actually, I know what he was doing. (Makes injecting in arm mime) It wasn't my fault. Or much fun, if I remember rightly.

I've never missed a flight when it's just been "normal" people. Josh was catching it in his home town, after all. There were no connecting flights, or some such reason. Get in a taxi and it takes you right there. Um, hello?

Spinning My Head

I told Alex about Ravi, last Friday. I got to thinking about it after the post I wrote about it. No big deal, but I don't want anyone thinking I'm lying about anything. Alex was cool. Well, he is cheating on his boyfriend with me, so what could he say?

Ravi came over and I was going to tell him about Alex. You know, just that I was seeing another guy casually, that would be detail enough. But, Ravi was quiet, not his usual, talkative self. He was kind of intense, thinking, gazing, listening. It was kind of cool, I don't mind either. But, it was nice to see a different side to him.

So, I forgot about Alex.

I don't know what was up with Ravi. I kept alternating between feeling like he was feeling indifferent to me, to falling in love with me. But, I am back on the j's, I have to say that, which could account for that. It was the first time he's seen me smoke, I don't think he was so happy about that. Something about a history, blah, blah.

Alex is coming over today. I think it is doing my head in. One guy per week, I think. Two is too much, I think I'm a boyfriend kind of guy at heart. You know, sex is better with someone you like. But where does it go from there?

I don't know why I'm doing this double guy thing this year? They both, kind of, take from the other, in a time consuming kind of way. And then there is "my" time, what's left of it.

I gotta say no. I've got to see my mum before Josh gets here. I can't arrive at the airport with glowing lips and beard rash.

Good for the Goose...

David thinks it's all right for him to go to Sydney and have sex with the Sydney boys, but it's not all right for his boyfriend to do the same at the leather parties in Melbourne.

It's a real wog boy thing. I thought it was just a straight wog boy thing, though.

I told David how G said it was all right for him to have sex, because he knew it meant nothing, but it wouldn't be all right for his girlfriend to screw around as that would mean that she didn't love him.

David simply agreed when I recounted the story and looked at me with questioning eyes.

"Do you not understand the concept?"

"It's just that I get so jealous... so, he just can't." Shake of the head.

"You're serious?"

"Yes."

 

It's Good That You Are Back

Beck keeps telling me how good it is that I'm back. That's nice. Beck and I make a good team.