The Urban Jungle

I took mum shopping, the weekly shop. It is always hell, dealing with the general public. The car park is always over flowing, lately it has been hot and finding a car park is difficult, people prowl for spots. Then there's the trolleys, the people, the fruit and veg section, the checkouts, the screaming kids, people coming and going, it's all urban warfare.

We'd made it out, we were in the car, we were nearly free again.

We got in the car and headed out.

Mum squealed, watch out! Two chicks appeared in my left field of vision.

I was doing a turn out of the Camberwell carpark, it was an ambitious 180 degree turn, which I didn't quite make. So, I backed up and corrected the angle and proceeded to head out to the road. These two air-head, batik wearing, dopes, in their own pearl adorned, Prada world, attempted to walk straight across in front of me, despite the fact that it was a road and obvious I was going to proceed straight ahead.

I said, nah fuck them! And we lurched forward and to the left.

Mum drew in a sharp breath and reached out; a hand across me as she would when she was a driver and I was a passenger, as a kid.

I said, I was going to run the two women down.

Truthfully, I was just stirring mum up. It's like driving with Hyacinth Bucket, most days, watch this, watch that. You get sick of it.

I saw them. I am equally sick of dopes like them too. So I just accelerated forward, as I was always going to do anyway. The stupid girls soon pulled up short, even the dumb know when their lives are threatened. They changed direction smartly, went behind the car. They heaved a sigh and I could actually see their pointy noses click out of joint as they had to take into account what somebody else was doing. You know the type, over washed, over stylised, over perfumed, over-bearing, self-focussed bimbos, who live to shop, with brains cells in short supply.

You know, there people are just idiots. It's the same as those people who walk behind a reversing car, or cars parking, not a care, not a thought.

"I'll run the bitches over," I said to mum. "They won't do that again, if I do."

"Oh, Christian!" said mum.

And, you know, I got to thinking about it. I could’ve run them over, it would be seen as an accident. They walked in front of my car, unfortunately I was moving forward. I wasn't speeding, under the influence of anything, breaking the law in anyway, it would be the perfect crime. Nobody would be any the wiser that I drove forward deliberately and with scant regard for their welfare. I'm mean, I'd only have got their feet, or knocked into them, causing bruises and cuts, realistically, nothing serious would have happened. Maybe, a broken leg, at worst. But, it would teach them to think as pedestrians in future.

But Lottie made me laugh. Ooooohhhhh Chrissssstiiiaann! Like at some point she actually believed I was going to run them down.