The Hags arrived right on time, a full contingent of them, it seemed like a home coming for lost boys. Sebastian and Alex were first. I knew Sebastian was coming with someone, but I was still surprised when Alex walked in the door. I don’t know why, as he takes up the position of Sebastian’s shadow quite well. Neither of them make very believable removalists,
they are both more suited to making snarky comments in cafes, and using hair product than any sort of manual
labour. They wanted coffee, espresso, one shot cups, one with sugar, one with milk, straight up.
The next thing, Dante arrived, unexpectedly. I thought it was just going to be Sebastian with an, at the time, unnamed side kick. So, the whole coven was here. Dante was supposed to be picking up the bookcase with Perry at another time, that was according to Perry. Dante refused coffee initially,
“Oh yes. Oh no. Oh yes. Oh no. Actually, I’ve had my daily allowance.” Shrug.
But then, of course, he wanted coffee. Of course, after I had shut the coffee shop and sat down. Naturally. Naturally.
I managed to trash Shane as the messy one to all of them, by having a spotless kitchen, which would especially impress Sebastian, which it did. He raved. And then he raved again.
“I always knew Shane was messy, but I didn’t realise the full extent.”
“Everything on the back bench was his, I could never keep it clean when he was around.”
They continued to do drama right there on my couch, so I rolled a joint, smack bang on the lighting of which, Dante arrived. He said it was a skill. This time it was about Tony (big ears), and some slight he’d made against Sebastian. An insult… even if it is no where near the first time I have heard that someone insulted Sebastian, or wanted to.
Oh, hot Tony. They are just jealous of the way Tony fills out his jeans. They are just bitter at the boys his good looks allocate to him. I don’t know what Tony said to who, but after the joint hit, I was amusing myself with mental pictures of him in his undies, while a lot of yap, yap, yap went on around me. Ah, lovely Tony was all I could think
It just seemed to be drug talk and Dante barely denied he was on drugs when questioned. But Sebastian had told me that Dante is doing it nearly every weekend, if for no other reason but to get away from Jimmy, who is still living in Dante’s house. It must be hard, living with your boyfriend from who you have just split up, but then we have to ask that time honoured question, why did he create this for himself?
I looked over at Sam, he seemed to be listening eagerly. He thinks The Hags are weird and continually assures me it is them and not me.
Sebastian sent poisoned texts to Mark W. while he was here. Apparently it was Mark W's birthday. Although, why Sebastian chose my lounge room to recommence the harassment, I'll never know.
I asked, “Is Mark W. happy with Kevin?”
“Darren,” everyone corrected me in unison.
“Oops.”
Alex laughed. Everyone inhaled.
Will the poisoned challis be passed, or will new alliances be forged?
Then they packed up the truck and took every thing away they said they were going to take away. It is a shame that Shane didn’t check on what the true definition of “hard waste” really is and then next time we won’t have the council refusing to take it. However, everything else has gone, as promised, to Shane’s credit.
They took everything away, bookshelves and desks and a half ton bag of dildos. How much is that going to cost? I'm glad I don't have to fill out the customs declaration.
I decided that therefore it must be time to forward his mail. I’ve had all the addresses changed for weeks now. It seemed only fair. I’ve let them build up, just because I have been taking my good time. I imagine Shane’s mum being inundated with envelopes. I rather picture her looking up through the door slot in the front door, to have the letters come tumbling down and hitting her right in the face.
I’ve been stewing over the reports from Antony about the gossip coming from The Hags. I’ve tried not to let it bother me, however.
I often wondered what was really being said about me, by The Hags, when I was excluded. I knew there would be things said, as The Hags cannot keep their mouths shut. It is impossible for them. Insecurities abound, and huffing and puffing at other people’s candles occurs to build themselves up.
This is, of course, Antony’s interpretation, it is his version of who said what to who. But, it all fits with what I know of...
The Hags have an abnormal, and unjustified, dislike of my Mark, because, essentially, Mark doesn’t like them, so that part of the information rings true. Shane can’t hide it from me, he used to tell me openly, to the point where I was often left wondering if, somehow, he’d forgotten my relationship with Mark?
As far as keeping my friends at arms length, according to reported gossip, maybe that’s true. But who kept who at arms length first?
I don’t count David in that, even if he does have hag status. While David is completely focussed on himself, he does have a lovely warmth and charm as well.
As far as keeping my boyfriend at arms length, Sam just laughed and shook his head and said, “I don’t know why you listen to any of them.”
“The independent thought comment,” is just too laughable and barely worth a comment, other than to say some people follow trends, religiously, never missing a fashion, and some people like interesting and new things.
And the general filth of my house… some days when Sam asked me what the foul waft was in the air, I used to take him to Shane’s bedroom and push the door open. Sam used to wince, as I asked him what he thought it was.
“Oh… I don’t know?” he’d say.
“BO, dirty socks/clothes, smegma, and filthy bed linen.”
I think it is so laughable. I have two of the most anally clean freak friends, Mark and Jill, who would certainly comment. Mark would not stop chastising me for some considerable time, until he broke down and pulled the mops and buckets and vacuum from the cupboard and turned into his mother before my very eyes. Jill would hire a cleaning service, who she would meet at my front door, and she would direct the whole cleaning proceedings. If, indeed, it was as dire as Shane has been telling everybody. Both Jill and Mark have been here very recently. Mark complained about the garden. Jill hasn’t said a word.
I some times wondered if Shane knew how to turn the dishwasher on? Still, I guess, when you grow up with Mr and Mrs Poverty in butt-fuck nowhere, I guess you aren’t blessed with those life skills.
That is what I am going to say to The Hags, anyway – Sebastian, Dante and David. I’m sure they will repeat it, as they are incapable of not gossiping. I’m counting on it.
I told Sam that was what I was going to say to The Hags when they visit and commented on the cleanliness of the place.
“You know they will tell Shane that word for word…”
“I never say anything to anyone that I wouldn’t want them to repeat.”
Oh, I am just venting and I probably won’t say anything. Blah blah, blah, it is good to have some place to vent. Many years ago, I learned that the very best revenge truly is living well. I leant that the best response to all of The Hags self-aggrandising, boredom relieving, bitchiness blab is a dignified silence. If you don't give them a target, they invariably turn on themselves.
It is here I can blurt it out, exorcise myself of it, get it off my chest, and shake the ooze from my tongue. Then I can dust the muck off me and move forward as stately as a galleon.
Perry dropped over yesterday for a catch up. He said that it was nice that Shane had gone to London for a new adventure. “You know that I have always found Shane to be… um… er… hard work.”
This is from Perry who never says a bad word about anyone. It was Perry speak for no liking him.
Sam and I had a late lunch with Tim and Nicholas yesterday, after Perry’s visit.
“Oh what, Shane has moved out. Oh good,” said Tim. He looked genuinely pleased. “I can come and visit now. I’ll come over in the next week, or so, and visit Missy – she was Tim’s cat originally – and I’ll cook you a curry.”
So there you go, I lose a housemate and get all of my friends back.
There is peace and quiet, except for the dulcet tones of a bulldog's snore, as I sat here with my laptop at 10am.
It was quiet here today, beautifully so. We’d left the kitchen in a diabolical state last night, there was nobody else to worry about after all, so I popped on some music, rolled up my sleeves and stared to clean. Pretty soon, I realised I was hampered by the overflowing bins which Shane had left me with – the kitchen bin, the outside bin, the front veranda. So, I cleaned all the dishes and was content with that much.
I have to say that I am loving my itunes, running music from my laptop wirelessly to new wireless speakers. It means I can dispose of my bulky sound equipment and space consuming cds. So, I copied the rest of the Labelle CDs into my itunes.
I spoke to Jill for two hours in the afternoon. Bitching. I can’t deny it. It was therapeutic. Cathartic. I wondered if Shane and Tulli’s ears were burning.
It was a sparklingly sunny day. Gorgeous. Gentle. Relaxed. Carefree. The mood in the house was light. No bad vibes, there is only sweetness and light remaining.
Antony had, rather cryptically, told me there was news about the recently departed that he could only share with me after the problem housemates had left the country. I pumped him last weekend for the information, just in case it really was something I should be aware of before they left, and he told me some story about an apparatus that attaches to the toilet which one sex partner puts himself into head first as the other sex partner licks his arse. Quite frankly, I didn’t believe the story was something that had to be kept secret until borders were cleared, that, quite frankly, just sounded like idle gossip.
Okay Miss, they have left the country, so what was the truthful big news you had to tell me.
Christian
Were you really that stoned on the weekend that you did not hear my story regarding the rimming machine, that was the news. As for the pernicious little bitch with the hyena laugh and her thug, they may be turned back when they arrive at Heathrow. Have you thought about that?
Antony
I heard your story about the rimming machine, don't you worry about that, I just didn't believe that was the big news that could only be shared once they were safely out of the country.
As far as being turned back at the gate at Heathrow, my dear, I care not a whit. I mean to say, that I certainly hope that doesn't happen, for their sake, I hope they have a great adventure. But having said that, let me say this, I have all the keys to my front door back, and Amalgamated Locksmiths have been here today changing the locks, just in case there have been any copies made, so return to Australia ricochet style, if they must, and I am sure they will be happy cohabiting in Kyenton, with Mr and Mrs Dribblepuss.
Christian
This is of course one of the more wise moves you have made. I have nailed a notice onto a tree, Elmer Fudd style, with a photo of Shane and Tulli on it titled "Duck season Open”. This is of course a tradition when a person leaves X street and lasts for 30 days.
I must say that i think this is jointly considered comments some of which you have heard from me already, so i am sure it comes as no surprise that both your and Mark’s relationships are on the cusp of doom especially seeing you have both become so conservative and bitchy. As for the X street kennel and the general filthy state of your house, not to mention the odour, its all now beyond control and it has to now simply be left up to you to sort out on your own. Its also about time you stopped keeping your friends and boyfriend at arms length and start engaging in some independent thought, not just Mark’s input. Of course i must now put down my smoking double barrelled shotgun and cook dinner and i said nothing, i just wrote it.
A(ntony)
What? What are you talking about?
Who said these things? I haven't heard any of them? Oh, do tell. Is it the sad (drug addled) hags, yet again? Is this the talk from those who like to talk? and talk? and talk? and talk? After which, they laugh, which I can only assume they do to make what they are saying seem even moderately interesting?
I am considerably amused by them, don't get me wrong. How deluded some folk are?
Do give me names? I would be tickled to know?
Christian
I have just finished my fish and bok choi dinner and it was splendid. I have decided to leave out breadcrumbs and just dust the fish with plain flour from now on, also to make my own chicken schnitzels and kievs from fresh breast fillets. I just have to buy a small kitchen mallet.
Now, i have no doubt that amused would sum the matter up, i guess if folk get together and talk about you things are not so bad after all. As for sources well you know them and yes it is the hags. I wonder what they say about me, i think im about to find out soon i will let you know. I also strongly suspect that Duck Season will be on in many households for a while. Get lives first, god knows nobody is getting any younger i think.
What are you and the lovely one getting up to this weekend? I have to up early to take Mother for a blood test and then hit Coles.
A(ntony)
Tomorrow, I have a builder coming over to give me a quote to finish the en suit in the top room and to assess the main bathroom to fix the toilet and the tiling once and for all. After that, I am going to investigate carpet for the lounge room. I don't know, I'd really like just to have the plain concrete, but short of polishing it and enduring the dust associated with that, it would mean just the plain concrete.
Then, I am vaguely considering renting out two of the bedrooms via a B&B website, where I can charge $100 a night. Maybe? Apparently, it is very popular. I just have to decide if I want that many people in the house. Right at the moment, I am so over having people living in my house, hugely, that I am going to have to give it some serious thought. But, owning a house in such a premier location, it would mean I could do that and not ever go back to work again.
Sunday morning, I am going to visit me dear old mum. After that I am going out for lunch with Nicholas and Tim.
Sebastian wants to come in the afternoon to pick up Shane's (chipboard) book shelves, saving me from calling 1800 junk, but I'm not really sure what time I will be back from lunch. That rather depends on the strength of Nicholas's dope. Still, I do want to get Shane's shit out of the house as soon as I can, so I can clean up the rooms. Apparently, Sebastian wants me to call him on my way home. Hopefully, I will be in a state where I won't even know how to dial a phone. He he. Big smile. I hope his taxi truck is flexible.
That will only leave the other bookshelf and the appalling white IKEA laminex desk. That is if the council ever comes to collect the mountain of shit that Shane left on the front veranda, as he assured me they would. (How long did he and the prostitute have to clean away Shane's mountain of garbage, one may ask? Too busy being fabulous, no doubt?) Of course, I can't clean any thing up until the bins Shane left literally over flowing onto the ground are collected next Wednesday.
Still, there is no hurry. The days have been glorious, sunny blue skies and a very appealing temperature. So I might just do nothing until March. Why not, I say.
Christian
I think that Mid March would be a good time to make decisions about the b@b, live alone for a while so to speak, and get hold of a couple of visitor parking permits in preparation.
Bye A(ntony)
