99 Meme

I read this meme on Real Euphoria's blog. I thought it was interesting. I love a good meme, can't help but want to complete them when I see them. Maybe there is therapy I could have? Maybe a meme is therapy?

1. When was the last time you cried?
Last night watching Grand Torino.

2. Have you ever faked sick?
If you mean in life, no. If you mean for work, kind of. Usually, because I was exhausted and got up late and couldn't muster the energy to get going.

3. What was the last lie you told?
So long ago I can’t remember. I learnt years ago that lies don’t serve me well. Usually, I’m accused of being “too” honest.

4. Have you ever cried during a movie?
Yes, lots of times. Last night. I like it when movies make me cry.
I quite like crying, I find there is something strangely nice about it.

5. Who was the last person you couldn't take your eyes off of?
Oh, not something that really happens. Probably, under the coloured lights at a dance party under the influence of something.
Actually, the 20 year old in Camberwell Safeway in front of me at the register, today. Blue jeans, blue top, Tin Tin hair, sideburns, big, sparkly brown eyes, unblemished face... cute as the proverbial button.

6. Have you ever danced in the rain?
I remember being on Wye River beach when it rained, unexpectedly, when it was very hot, we danced in our board shorts, we were tanned, slippery and wet. But sometimes, feeling the rain fall on your face even when it is cold is just as amazing.

7. Have you ever been drunk?
I never used to like it or was even good at it, but I’m getting better at it now. You know, practice makes perfect. I’m even liking it, now a days.

8. Have you ever tried drugs?
Yes, most of them. They can be fantastic kids, don't listen to your parents. Although, I don't do them now, so draw your own conclusions.

9. Do you smoke?
Oh, how to answer this? I’m on day 4 of quitting. I have struggled to quit for the last few years. I've probably not smoked more than I have smoked in that time.

10. What’s the farthest you've ever gone on a dare?
I don’t know. I can’t remember the last time I was dared to do anything. It’s not something Virgos go in for.
The last dare I can remember was being dared by a friend at school to touch his cock.

11. What is your full name?
You know me as Christian Aloysius Fletcher.

12. What is your blood-type? A+ (Real Euphoria, if you ever need a transfusion, I'm your man)

13. Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes. I was driving my classic Cooper S home one night when a woman came though a stop sign in front of me and crashed into the front of my car. I couldn't say anything to her, other than, name rank and serial number, as I know I would have abused her if I did. She kept carrying on about "her ticket," in a heavy accent, which turned out to be her number plate, but I just got the required details and left.

14. How old were you when you had your first kiss?
On a school excursion when I was in grade 4. My first real kiss? 16

15. Who was your first kiss?
On the school excursion it was with Anne Lancaster. My first real kiss was with Leah, my first girlfriend.

16. Have you ever had an online relationship? 

No... oh maybe, does chatting to someone on msn, over a period of six months, count? We never had sex, or anything.
I think the answer is no.

17. Have you ever had phone sex?
Yes. My last boyfriend, Manny, got me into it when neither of us could be bothered in making the trek from one suburb to another and we practically live in adjoining suburbs. Greek boys? Can't live with them, can't live without them.

18. Have you ever been rejected by a crush?
I don’t think so. I've never felt crushed by an object of desire. I used to always get everyone I wanted. Now, I'm a little more choosy.

19. What is your favourite sport to play? Cycling.

20. Have you ever made a prank phone call?
When I was a child, very amateurishly to 000. My, my, I haven't thought about that in years.

21. What’s your favourite childhood memory?
Being carefree in primary school. Water skiing with all my cousins on xmas holidays.

22. Is there anything that you have done that you regret?
Yes, a few. Always, it’s been things that I didn't do.

23. What do you want to be when you grow up?
An archaeologist, when I was a child. Now, I want to be a writer when I grow up.

24. What is your political persuasion?
I guess you would call it socialist democrat. Half the world is drowning under the weight of what it has. The other half, often, doesn't have water or a roof over its head. The system needs to change.
Half the world is eating itself to death, the other half is starving. The planet is polluted and the human race is unlikely to survive from here. The financial markets have fallen apart. Which part of capitalism is, actually, working?

25. Have you ever had cybersex?
I’m not sure what that means? If you mean jacking off over pictures on the Internet, I guess I have.

26. Do you believe in god?
No. This is it, there is nothing else. There is no god. The belief in god is ignorance, superstitious ignorance.

27. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Sure I do. Even if it's not true, it is still something I would like to believe in.

28. Do you believe in karma?
No. But, I believe that if you always put out bad energy, you will, probably, always attract bad energy in return.

29. Who was your first crush? Marion Webb

30. Who do you have a crush on? No one.

31. How would you describe yourself? Lazy.

32. What are you afraid of? Mediocrity.

33. Are you religious? No.

34. What does your screen name mean? Nothing.

35. Which person do you trust the most? My ex-boyfriend, Mark.

36. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Leah.

37. What is the best compliment you have ever received?
I’m the most together person in the world.

38. What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?
You are a loner. It has always stayed with me, because I like my own company, I can be perfectly happy being on my own for days. That comment, has always made me fear that one day I would be alone.

39. What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?
Longest relationship was/is twenty years – my ex-boyfriend Mark, ten years together romantically. Thirty years – my ex-girlfriend Leah, eight years together romantically. We were babies when we met, a life time ago.

40. What is your greatest strength?
I don’t feel like I have any, to tell you the truth. Other people would say my groundedness, my generosity, my intellect.

41. What is your greatest weakness?
Passive aggression.
Or, so often I take a step back, to think, when I should have taken a step forward and fucked the consequences.

42. What is your perfect pizza? Calamari, prawns and artichokes.

43. What is your first thought when waking up in the morning? coffee.

44. What is your last thought before you go to bed?
It varies, I fall off to sleep when I am lost in thought. If my mind is blank, I can’t sleep.

45. What university do you want to go to?
Go back to uni? What?... Okay, RMIT, to turn my diploma of creative writing into a degree.

46. Do you get along with your family? Yes. I always have.

47. Do you play any instruments?
I played the viola for twenty years. When I moved out of home, at twenty four, I didn't take it with me and I never played it again. I didn't intend for that to happen, but it did.

48. What kind of music do you like?
All types of music, except perhaps Irish folk songs. If I have to choose, I’d say Soul.

49. Do you think you’re attractive? Sometimes. No.

50. Would you ever get a tattoo? Probably not.

51. How many piercings do you have? None.

52. Who makes you laugh?
Usually, stand up comedians. Just them and a mic.

53. Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?
Nobody. But, if I had to choose, my ex-boyfriend Mark.

54. Have you ever seen a dead body?
Yes, a few times. Two in a hearse, in clear plastic bags. I was told not to look. If I hadn't been told not to, I probably wouldn't have.
And another one with a needle still sticking out of his arm, in a car in my street.
Oh yes, and my father. I kissed him on the forehead a couple hours after he died and he was stone cold.

55. Do you have a celebrity crush?
No. But, if I had to say, Matt Damon, who isn't my usual type. One night a girlfriend and I watched an extended interview with him, at the end we were both visibly flushed with desire.

56. What is one thing scientists should invent?
Better solar power generation and quickly.

57. Have you ever broken a bone? No

58. What happens after you die?
Dust, or a worm through the eye if you are not cremated. Nothing happens, black, silent. All over. There is nothing else.

59. Do you watch or read the news?
I don’t watch the television news services any longer, as they are more intent on delivering the “world psycho drama” into our lounge rooms in full and vivid technicolour for ratings, rather than for delivering the facts. I would suggest, for happiness sake, that everybody turns off the television news services.
I read the news, as I feel I can control the way it is delivered to me.

60. What stereotype would you label yourself as being?
I don’t know if I fit a stereotype. Not that this means anything at all, as we all know, but mostly I get, I would never have picked you as gay.

61. Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?
You’d have to ask them that.

62. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
As a child, I desperately wanted to be called Victor Black, let’s go with that.

63. If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go?
Oh so many points, so many changes to be made. Maybe, I’d like to come out as a gay teenager, but my ex-girlfriend is one of my closest friends and I wouldn't change what I had with her for anything.
The two things that really come to mind are,
When I went to uni to study my business degree, I’d change to study writing instead.
When my ex-boyfriend moved to the country and I refused to move there with him because I felt some stupid (idiotic) need to be able to earn my own living and our relationship didn't survive as boyfriends.

64. If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?
More determined, more go getter, more driven to do the things I love. Vanquish fear. I wish I could go forth more fearlessly, more often.

65. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? Yes

66. Have you ever played strip poker? No.

67. Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?
No, probably not. If her arse looks fat in those, she might as well know it.

68. What do you want your friends to think about you?
That I am a happy person.

69. What’s the biggest argument you've ever gotten into?
None that I remember. I forget those things quickly. Forgive, it only hurts you in the end to hold on to that stuff.
I guess, my first house, I bought with a friend. I put up the cash for my half, he got a mortgage for his half. (houses were cheap then and I inherited a modest sum of money) Not long after he lost his job and the advice he took was to do nothing, as he hadn't, actually, put in a cent of his own money. Let the bank foreclose, was the cheapest option for him. Our friendship never recovered.

70. Have you ever bitten someone?
No. That question makes me laugh, though. Maybe I should bite someone before I die?

71. When’s your birthday? September.

72. Have you ever stolen anything?
I did as an 18 year old. I stole something worth $5 just to see if I could. I promptly got caught. Months later, on the steps to the court house a woman approached me with the words, “Are you Christian Fletcher?” It was the security person from K-mart.
“You don’t belong here,” she said. “I’m sorry that I caught you. I have spoken to a lawyer inside, his name is blah blah. He will represent you. Plead guilty and you’ll get a bond. I shouldn't be doing this, but you’re a good kid, not the sort I’m usually used to dealing with.”
I took her kindness as a sign to never to steal anything ever again. And I never have.

73. Do you make wishes on shooting stars?
No. One of my favourite memories, however, was lying on a roof top in Calabria, in the family village of my ex-boyfriend, Lauri, on a warm night, holding his hand, counting shooting stars as they shot across the sky.

74. What’s the most you've ever eaten in one sitting?
Fish and chips until I thought I was going to vomit, until I hoped I would vomit. Until I impersonated Linda Blair.

75. If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?
My best mate died a couple of years ago of Leukaemia. Even he admitted to me in the end, that there was a possibility that it could have been caused by his intravenous drug use. If I could go back to that first day that he was offered the needle and I could talk him out of it, I’d give it a shot. I miss him terribly.
A month after Tom died, another great friend threw a rope over a tree and hanged himself, due to depression caused by him falling from his bike one night without a helmet, drunk off his mind, hitting his head hard on the road. I’d go back to that day and catch him as he fell.

76. Do you remember your dreams?
I've always had the most vivid and bizarre dreams, ever since I was a child. Now that I have quit smoking pot, it is so amazing to remember them all again, nightly. I love it all over again. I write them down in my journal.

77. Have you ever been in love?
Yes. I've had forever twice, nearly 3 times.

78. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Either, if you don’t count the first fifteen minutes in the morning. Once, I would have said night, no doubt about it. But now it could go either way.

79. Do you have any phobias?
Fear of heights, which I never had as a child. I think we learn fear as we grow older.

80. What’s the meanest thing you've ever done to someone?
I can’t remember. I don't do mean things to people, if I can help it.

81. Have you ever been to the hospital (other than birth)?
Yes, to have my wisdom teeth removed.

82. How many screen names do you have?
A couple

83. Do any medical problems run in your family?
Cancer, heart disease, meanness with money. My grandma, on my dad’s side, was an alcoholic. Longevity, on my mum’s side. My Mother's sister, Olive, is insane.

84. Has anyone ever been disowned from your family?
No...
...oh, my great, great, great aunt, I guess, (3 or 4 generations back) used to escape from home, as a teenager, and head down to the docks to be with the sailors. Her father used to go and drag her back, hose her down and take her inside. When she was eighteen, her father stopped going to collect her and she disappeared. Does that count?

85. Have you ever had a nightmare?
Yes, of course. But not for a long time. My dreams are always so vivid that it would really have to be something to be a nightmare.

86. Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?
I don’t have enemies. But, I have a sharp tongue and I’m not afraid to use it when provoked.

87. Would you ever participate in a threesome?
Oh... have you got a year for me to explain. I've had threesomes with boyfriends. I lived in a threesome for four years. Now, I’m not keen to have one, even casually, which always disappointed Manny as he wanted to pick up Italian muscle boys at the gym. What was I thinking?

88. Would you ever pay for a prostitute?
Sure, why not. I haven't yet, but it's something I should do before I die. When I'm old and grey, maybe, as exciting as that may sound for the prostitute involved.

89. Have you ever mooned or flashed someone? No.

90. Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?
Yes and no. As a kid, I did cheat on my girlfriend, Marion, as I experimented with boys, but, you know, I don't really think that counts. As an adult, I've always had open relationships.

91. Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?
No, not literally. Gasped for breath, begged for it to stop, fallen on the ground in agony, but never pissed my pants.

92. Have you ever written a love letter?
Yes. Love poetry, really.

93. Have you ever attempted suicide?
No. But, I've daydreamed about it many times. It's just that all the options seem so unsavoury.

94. Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Either.

95. Have you ever been in a fistfight? Never.

96. Do you have any hidden talents? No.

97. What is one thing you want me to know about you?
Isn't the above enough?

98. What is one question you wouldn't want me to ask?
I’m not frightened of any questions. Ask anything you like. Usually, if anything, people are frightened of my answers.

99. What do you think of this meme?
I liked it.

Guido

Hypocrisy is Spelt With a H

Tracey Grimshaw the host of television the likes of Nine's A Current Affair, a show that uses every trick in the book to ambush it's victim's in a grab for ratings. Any one who has watched A Current Affair would have seen for themselves that no tactic is beneath them. And now Grimshaw has the nerve to complain about someone who may have given it back.

Oh Tracey, time to give it up.

The spat began on Friday when Gordon Ramsay ended an interview with Ms Grimshaw by poking fun at a mole on the lip of the current affairs host. Apparently, this comment was made after the interview was finished and, I've heard, A Current Affair rushed to include it as a grab for ratings.

Whatever Grimshaw got after that was her own doing.

The whole thing is a beat up by Grimshaw and her lot.

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd said the chef's comments reflected a "new form of low life". Oh shut it Kevin, everyone now knows you have a fouler mouth than Gordon ever will. (something like 60% of Kevie's staff have thus far resigned) Julia Gillard and Health Minister Nicola Roxon joined in, saying Ramsay should confine himself to the kitchen and stop abusing women.

He, actually, wasn't abusing women, at all, let's not get too precious. He was having a go at a person who happens to be a woman. There is a difference.

Don't these beige, devoid of personality, public servants realise that they are in Canberra only to balance the books and should keep out of commenting on social issues. Nobody cares what they have to say about things that don't concern them. Has anyone ever watched their puerile antics in Question Time?

Happy Pills Forever

These non-smoking pills really are good. By evening, yesterday, I had completely forgotten that I'd quit smoking. Now let me reassure all you evil non-smokers, that is a big deal. The end of day 1 of quitting smoking, the quitter feels like torturing puppies, or decapitating small children, let me tell you. Okay, I was four days passed the required date to stop, according to the happy pill instructions, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference. My arm didn't drop off, I didn't crap out my bowel, the world didn't cease to function, as we know it. (Okay, that last one is up for debate, but it didn't happen in the 4 days that I continued to smoke when I shouldn't have)

I'm feeling fine. Yay. The whole world should take pharmaceutical drugs. Oh, that's right, the whole world does.

I must stop picking up a chomp when I go to the milk bar for newspapers and cigarettes... er, no, not any more... milk.

Smoking

I often smoke in bed, you know, when I'm tucked up with late night television, just the blue glow of the tube on my face. People tell me that this is a bad thing to do. Fall asleep, go up in flames. Imagine waking to a cloud of smoke?

I'm 4 days passed my give up day, according to the pills I'm taking. Bugger! I just can't seem to get my head around it.

Kaine tells me that he doesn't like me smoking. Big brown eyes, worried look. He always makes me laugh when he does that. He likes my laughing almost as much.

I'm going to give it a go today. Give it a go. I feel strong. I haven't got any, I'd have to go to the shop. So, why not.

Mark's the one who's been calling me practically every day about smoking and quitting.

"Come on Chriso, I need the pills to work for you, so I can use them to stop too."

It's kind helped put it in my head. So, here goes.

One thing, though. I've already turned into a grumpy bastard these last few months. Watch out world, I could be biting and scratching and clawing...

In the evening...

I haven't smoked all day and I feel remarkably fine, all things considered.

I haven't had the urge to kill anyone, so that's always a bonus.

 

Use the Remote

Every emotional cripple who has a beef to air about a dying brat seems to have come out of the wood work to open a vein about the Chaser's skit. I even read about some woman who's kid died 29 years ago, who cried for an hour after viewing the footage. Oh lady, get some therapy.

I can bet you that most of them didn't even watch the show on the night, but have since watched the footage, on whichever news service has repeated the item in the race for ratings, so they too could be a part of the "outrage."

If you don't like it, don't watch it. It is still that simple. Use the remote.

I wonder how many of the "outraged" haven't even seen the footage?

I think it is the shadow side of the celebrity cult, or the shadow side of the "me, me, me' generation, where everyone thinks they can have their 2.5 seconds of fame, that opinion is a right and not something earned. And there is that whole group of people who's only vehicle for this is moral outrage. 

Kaine Meets Guido

I took Kaine over to see Guido and Guido was in fine form. Kaine had on kinda lose fitting camouflage pants and if you think I was some what taken back when Guido had his hand down them in no time flat, you should have seen the look on Kaine's face. Ha, ha, ha. Hysterical. I've never seen his eyes so big, or his neck so stiff.

"Nice kid, that Kaine..."

"Guido, he's thirty three."

"Handsome," said Guido, without missing a beat. "A bit fucken jumpy, though."

"You had your hand down his pants."

"Ha." Guido shrugged. "That's how I greet all the new boys."

"You never did that to me," I said, wondering if I was going to regret it. Thinking what the hell am I saying.

"Yeah, well, your like a brother, mate," said Guido. "We might go in for some funny shit around here, but incest isn't one of them." He reached over to the coffee table. "Bong?"

Kaine returned from the toilet. He was smiling his cheeky smile, so I figured he was okay. He sat next to me.

The water gurgled, it was putrid.

"He's got a nice handful, though."

Kaine looked uncomfortable.

I coughed and spluttered. "Guido!"

"If you get sick of this guy any time soon, come see me," Guido said to Kaine.

Kaine smiled at me and then looked over at Guido. "No, I think I'll be okay."

Guido exhaled through his pouting mouth. "Guido doesn't like rejection."

I handed the putrid, glass thing to Guido and for the first time, practically ever, swine flu came into my head. "You could clean it once in a while, you pig." Guido pushed it towards Kaine. He refused.

"Okay!" Guido stood up. "Now you have to leave." He was pointing to the front door. Kaine looked nervous and half lifted his arse off the couch. "Are you a fucken spy, or what?"

"What?" asked Kaine nervously.

"Take no notice of him," I said. "He's kidding you around."

"Actually," said Kaine, dead pan, looking back at Guido. "I'm usually referred to as a Fed..."

"Woo-Hoo!" yelped Guido, leaping up and clapping his hands. "Smart too." He put his hand over his mouth and moved close to Kaine's ear, as if he was having a private word to him. "No wonder this one likes you."

Kaine smiled at me coyly. He's damn cute.

Guido licked the side of his face, with a big, wet tongue and momentarily, Kaine's expression turned to one of someone shitting themselves. He jumped. Guido has a knack of ruining moments, doesn't like the attention off him for too long.

"Tastes good too," said Guido, looking over at me.

Kaine wiped the side of his face with his open palm, and a grimaced. He looked upwards at Guido. "I'm just getting over Hep A, I should warn you."

"Well," said Guido, laughing. He raised his eyebrows at me as if to say he approved of Kaine. "There's only one thing for it." He reached over behind the couch. He slammed a bottle down on the coffee table in front of us. "Vodka shots. Are you game?"

"Sure," said Kaine.

I staggered on the way out and Kaine caught me in his arms, not that I really needed catching, but it felt nice. He looked me in the eye and said earnestly.

"I don't like it when you smoke."

I mean seven vodka shots later. Huh? I wanted to say, What the? But instead, I just felt his big arms around me and laughed. He did too.

We walked home in the cool night air, together. Laughing chatting. I'm sure the world was going on around us, but I honestly didn't notice.

We went out and played at Sircuit, D, Shane, Mark W. Someone suggested meth, but I'm glad that didn't eventuate, as it is so moreish once you start. And you can never be sure where the urge will take you in the end. So we settled for smoking joints and drinking beer, till 2am. I'm sure I was flirting with Mark W without meaning to. Mr tall, dark and handsome. You know, by the sixth schooner I wasn't really sure. I suspected, at one stage, that he was flirting with me, but it's doubtful. No. It must have been my beer goggles, I decided. You know, like the chick who finds herself in the hotel room with the group of rugby players should have, I decided I'd had enough beer, at that point and switched to coke.

D won all rounds.

The night air was crisp and bracing as we walked home.

Matt Came Over

Matt came over, it was good to see him, I kind of miss him. Sweet Matt.

Then he went up stairs and had a screaming match with Shane and I headed outside for a cigarette to pretend I didn't hear any of it.

Ex-boyfriends, god loves them... er, god luv em... oh, just don't use the god term... you've got to love them, that is what I am trying to say. All that pent up frustration, so easily boils over like a volcano of hurt and loss and missing the other one. Poor Matt. Poor Shane. Poor them. Nobody likes a break up. Nobody.

The Chaser Boys

Those Chaser Boys are such wags. They did a comedy skit about dying kids - a week after one of its stars suggested he judged the show's success on its ability to offend.

The segment, titled “Making A Realistic Wish Foundation”, with actor Chris Taylor saying there was no point in making expensive wishes come true as "the kids are going to die anyway."

Naturally, the troglodyte, great unwashed general public are now beating their chests and braying for blood. Thank the lordy do da day there is at least some small semblance of Australia left that hasn’t turned beige, conservative, join the dot, non-thinking suburbanites. Get lives people, this is comedy. I know we now live in Stalag Australia where all thinking is dictated by the govt bureau, but really... we all need a laugh from time to time.

I thought it was funny. People are so precious now a days. Lighten up guys.

I assume the great unwashed do understand that the kids were actors and not real sick kids at all? Maybe? Who knows?

Those eyes remind me of my ex-boyfriend's eyes. Beautiful green. If I close mine, I can still picture him looking at me adoringly.

I think green eyes are my favourite, probably because of him. We used to lie in the grass in the sun in the park facing each other for hours, chatting, gazing, smiling, as the rest of the world went on around us.

The green, flecked cornea, round and solid, like circles of moss, pupils piercing black, the white whites sparkling, long, black lashes, flutter fluttering, the creases forming at the corners as he smiled... especially for me.

He's Got a Beautiful Cock

I was thinking about the whole corporate greed issue and you know, it's true. My company's C.E.O.'s salary went from three hundred thousand and something to one and half million in five years, 2003 to 2008. I think mine increased 25% in the same period, where the C.E.O.'s increased 400%. Nice work if you can get it, hey?

The result of conservative political policies.

In the last year, apparently, the company has retrenched a large number of staff, economic down turn and all. Despite the fact that they tell me that the company is still on budget. And I can bet you now, the C.E.O. will still get the 200K bonus that she always gets.

Subject: That's not a handrail dude!( AO)

Check this one out ...

Pete sends me a video of a guy standing up on top of a train, who reaches up and grabs the electric wire over head, without thinking and dies.

Oh my gotddddd….

Mark

Subject: Happy anna

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Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. 

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. 

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. 

Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. Happy anniversary. 

(christian)

Subject: Happy anna

Fuckwit

(Rachel)

Subject: Happy anna

Funnily enough, I forgot mine and Mark’s on May 29th.

(christian)

Subject: Happy anna

Trying to forget mine....thank you very much!

(Rachel)

Subject: Job applicant

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,

Pepole really seam to respond

to me well. Certain men and all the ladies. 

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRYAN 

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short – below is a pickture of me.

You know what the picture looked like, don’t you? Handsome. Square Jaw. Brown hair. Sexy smile. Shirtless. Buff. Tattoo over his right pec. Red nipples. Abs, count them, six. The bottom of the photo cut low across his torso. Light hair crawls up his abdomen.

Employ him Rachel!!!!!!!!!! We’ve got spell checker. We need a hot boy at work, to look at. I’m getting bored during the days.....

Polly

SMS. 13.26. Great news! To say thanks for being a 3 customer we’re giving you FREE Facebook access until 31/08 – 3

I spent the whole day on my computer, wasting every hour, essentially, downloading pictures of naked men.

When I called mum, she said she had trouble sleeping as the two of us weren’t getting on very well. I told her I was just grumpy and I apologised and she seemed happy with that.

SMS. 14.51. Did you know June 2nd is International Whores Day? – christian

SMS. 16.51. Well then I was born on the perfect day... see, there is a god! x – David

Oh Well... Out With the Old

Marguerite arrived at 11.30. I said hi and walked straight out the door. I went down to my favourite cafe, Cocos and had breakfast, poached eggs with spinach, mushrooms and tomatoes. Two coffees and a freshly squeezed orange juice. I avoided buying the newspaper, and buying into the world psycho drama yet again and, instead, I took my first chapter to my novel to write.

I headed outside into the court yard for a cigarette and the rain came down. It was nice, a nice feeling the fine drops of water falling on my face. Refreshing, clean. I lay my head back from underneath the umbrella and felt the drops fall.

Yesterday morning, when I dug down into my jumper basket to retrieve a jumper I hadn't worn for a while, I found jumper after jumper with holes, having been eaten by whatever it is that eats wool. There were white mildewy marks and sleeves and shoulders, ostensibly, missing.

Ah! My favourite black cashmere, my green cable, my blue V-neck, my teal zip up with leather patches on the elbows. The leather patches were in good shape, just every thing attached... my burgundy zip collar was okay, but I'm ditching it anyway, it's always been too big.

I still can't believe it. Some of my favourite clothes.

Spilt milk, can't cry, get a garbage bag and chuck them all away.

I headed into the city for a little avoid-the-cleaner retail therapy, some new woollens and a couple of DVD's, as it turned out. Four new jumpers. A green collared button up, a black, charcoal and pale blue V-necks.

Lovely.

I can't bring myself to look at my suits in the wardrobe. Eeek!

I'm supposed to be quitting smoking today, but I can already feel myself heading to the milk bar.

I take mum to the supermarket. You can bet I'll be buying some of those Sheltox Pest things. Of course, I blame it on Marguerite, isn't that her job? Ha, ha, if only.

Mums shopping I turned, as the gorgeous Nicholas would say, real hateful towards her before I left. Oh, I don’t know, she just gave me the shits. Her delusions, illusions, her circular conversations that go nowhere, the shit she now sprouts. It just got to me in the end and I was screamy, really crappy, I couldn’t stop myself.

As I left, she said, Do you think you can be nicer to me next time.

A proud moment.

SMS. 17.29. Is it your birthday? That’s all  – christian

SMS. 18.28. Yes, it is darling! Thank you for thinking of me... that’s all! x – David

Subject: and how is lovely dovely hesketland?

Well, thanks for sharing.

I hate it here today. Am thinking only of quit quit quit and book a ticket.

Good Luck with your cock.

Mole (Josh)

SMS. 20.14. Eating dinner. Call u later. What about Wolverine? – Jill

SMS. 20.15. Seen it – christian

SMS. 20.15. Night at the Museum? – Jill

SMS. 20.16. Yuk! – christian

SMS. 20.17. You writer you. What a beautiful turn of phrase! – Jill

SMS. 20.18. There’s nothing on – christian

SMS. 20.18. What gave it away? – Jill

SMS. 20.19. The newspaper – christian

SMS. 20.31. Lesbian Vampire Killers? – christian

SMS. 20.32. Surprisingly not interested – Jill

SMS. My Year Without Sex, 9.20, Nova. But, you’d have to come here – christian

SMS. 20.44. I could do my own movie, my 10 years here – Jill

SMS. 20.50. So that’s a no? It’s got Matt Day, I always fancied him – christian

SMS. 20.54. Yep that’s no. I’m feeling that terminator is the go on Thu if u r free? – Jill

Jill wanted to go to the movies. In true Jill style she wanted to see Terminator Salvation, which actually doesn’t start until Thursday. She suggested Wolverine, but I’d seen it. I suggested My Year Without Sex, but Jill said it sounded too much like her life.

Watched teev instead. And, just as it turned out, Terminator 3 was on the teli.

Getting out of the House

I stir David and Shane about getting rid of our cleaner. Oh Jasus! She's coming this morning. I hate it when she's in the house. She invades my space. She lurks, tries to be quiet, but then the vacuum whirs into action, making me jump. She doesn't talk and she skulks about in a whisper, but some how, ironically, that just seems to make it worse. Scrubbing floors, which I seem to have to avoid, keep out of rooms. Can't go here, can't go there. Three hours seems like an eternity. It feels like she's here half my life. Dusting, cleaning, appearing out of no where.

But, David and Shane refuse to entertain my termination ideas. They know I won't clean - as neither they will - even when I promise that I will if it means ditching the invader. I'm sure I know how people feel after they've been robbed, even if, strangely, I didn't feel that way when I was, actually, robbed. I was home asleep once, but that's another story.

I tell you, if the first thing I'm greeted with is Marguerite, Monday morning before both eyes are open, I'm not happy. Spoils my day.

I try not to groan when I see her, but I know some times it comes out. Her with her scarf around her head, plastic gloves, face mask. It's like something out of Outbreak.

I am accused of being disagreeable, if I show displeasure if I'm greeted with show tunes just having kicked the coffin lid off for the day. That's from David and not Marguerite, you understand. If she did, the first words out of my mouth would be You're fired. You know, just landed in the kitchen with a hand outstretched for the coffee grinder. David sometimes takes it as a challenge, as in his yellow-daisy-cup of a world he's positive that I am, surely, just putting on an act, in the land where everything is made of sugar, and I get full choreography... to bring me out of myself. I'm sure some mornings it has been tap.

And it's not that I'm disgruntled, it's just more of a blur, 2 braincells are working by then, I'm usually feeling taken a back, as if someone has said Boo!. Some mornings are crossed-eyed, barely, bemusement, at how try-hard gay David looks. The only mornings that I really enjoy are those after David has had a big night and it's like dance steps performed by joining the dots, not able to sing as he's too busy wheezing for breath.

It's not anger, as some people get warned, as I promise if you don't speak I wont either.

Thank the universe that Sunshiny Day has dropped from the repertoire more recently.

So the cleaner, oh the pain. I've even gone out for breakfast, come home around 1pm, then an hour later I hear the front door sound click, click and Marguerite's doing the afternoon shift, mysteriously - even if we have said in the past it didn't matter. Then she's there all afternoon. Ah! Can't win.

I'm getting out before she gets here. I'm going for breakfast then I'm going shopping.

David's left money in a draw for her, I might go and move it. He, he.

Ah! I just heard the front door open and then quietly click shut. It’s her! There will be jiffies scuffing on the floorboards any moment. Eeek! I’m getting out. Gotta go.