All eyes are gazing, looking for my expression to change. They are wondering what I’m going to do, going to say. I don’t know; I’m momentarily numb.
I’m being paranoid, I know.
Alex just asked me, about an affair, with him, as he put it, just like that, as the assembly went on around us. He didn’t even seem to hush his tone, although he didn’t shout.
Sitting quietly not making a sound, all eyes in the room are seemingly staring me into the ground. He is smiling, nervously, well, as nervous as Alex ever gets, waiting for my reply. I don’t know what to say, as my insides tremble, with every fibre of my being.
There is white noise burning in my ears.
Is he expecting me to say yes, or is he expecting me to say something funny because he’s just clowning around. Why me? How do I believe it’s the truth that he says?
My stomach grinds down.
I say, “No,” nervously. I smile, sheepishly. I think I feel calmer now that I’ve said it. No. That had to be the answer.
It’s quiet now and I’m oblivious to everyone staring at me because they're not, they are all doing their own thing, looking elsewhere. I stare at the floor. He’s still smiling, he said, “I didn’t believe you.”
He’s not going to take no for an answer. Say something funny; it’s expected of me. I don’t feel like being humorous when my guts are a mess.
Alex has to go, he smiles slyly and touches my arm.
“Think about what I’ve said.” Alex smiles the birth of that smile that later would make him wealthy in real-estate. “And then answer yes.” He hesitates. Smiles. Thumps me on the shoulder and then is gone.
I wanted to kiss him, his handsome face, framed by blond hair. But instead I ran. As soon as his attention was distracted, I’m out into the hallway and onto the oval for fresh air.
I walk down to the back of the oval, as football is played all around me. The smokers look nervous as I come over the embankment, until they see it’s me, a regular face, one of the usual suspects. We don’t always talk, us smokers, but we know who we are. One kid even stubs his cigarette out. He’s obviously a novice, probably year nine, just taking it up.
Alex’s suggestion made my stomach churn. That grinding, gnawing, acid of excitement and treidation, trembling like it may always be unfulfilled.
I can’t believe it; I’m having trouble keeping my hard-on under control. I shake as I convince myself that he was genuine and not setting me up for a fall. I can’t believe his brazenness he just came out with it, like it was perfectly okay.
I should have said yes. Should I? I want to. What if he’s setting me up? How? Alex isn’t like that; he’s gentle and kind. I sat in the grass; lost in my thoughts. I pulled the blades out of the ground, one by one. Shaking on the inside, wanting to scream. I was offered a cigarette when it looked as though I was out. Safety in numbers, you can’t squeal if you’re in.
I blew smoke without talking. He’s got a nice smile and sexy arse in his trousers, I’d already noticed that. He looked even more handsome than usual just there in that room, as he spoke his words of passion, as I shook like a leaf and my loins stirred in disbelief.
We travelled around New Zealand last year, we shared hotel rooms, how easy it would have been.
I ran inside when my cigarette was done. I was still shaking thinking about what I’d say when I saw Alex again. I went to English, accounting and maths. I didn’t contribute, I’m sure I didn’t even listen.
Alex was in the hallway, when the end of the day bell sounded.
I grabbed his shoulder from behind, in the hallway where all the lockers were lined in a row along each side of the corridor, along each blank wall. His blond hair shone as he turned around. It was time to leave, people were milling about, getting in each other’s way, wrestling as they rushed to get out the door. I decided to be as brave as Alex had been, so I spoke, clearly, without faltering a word.
“You know what we talked about earlier, in form assembly?” I wanted my shaking to stop.
He smiled broadly. “Yes.” At that moment I really didn’t want to give in, I wanted to run. But a force greater than me was pushing me along, making me, gluing my feet to the ground. I was shaking. Alex was smiling that smile.
“What if I wanted to change my answer?” I smiled nervously; my stomach churned. I’d said it; there was no going back. “To…yes?”
“I knew you would.” He smiled again and looked me up and down. “I’ve got footy practice, I’ve got to go.” He smiled wantonly. “I’ll see after.” He slapped my arm. “I’m glad,” he said before he ran. He turned as he pushed the side door open. “Later on. Don’t go home.” He smiled and then he was gone.
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