I started to get the feeling that my friends were pissed off with me. I don't know why, but there seemed to be a reason for each to be cross with me. Maybe it was the pigs head nailed to my front door. Maybe it was the "who is this?" return text when I had text them. Ha, ha. Maybe, it's the silence - you know, you look up from your busy schedule and there it is. Maybe it was just me?
Jill because I drove to Lismore, rather than going on the road trip we had planned together. But that was in place of an air flight, 'cause I left it so late to book. Also, I criticised her work on The Bush Fire Alert Systems, as the info was sent to every household in Vic and not just those in the at risk areas. She's in charge of the marketing campaign. I said it was more political, in that case, than necessary. It's an election year after all. She looked very grim in responce.
Josh because I asked him to leave the house, after he had treated it as a motel for so long. He came to stay a night and stayed a week. Twice. Then he tried to repeat the trick and I called him on it. I didn't mind, really, but the final time David was giving me the shits and I didn't want a house guest. Shane reckons Josh has no reason to be pissed off. He disappeared and hasn't contacted me since, which is not usual for him. You do the maths.
David because no matter how many times I told him not to litter the house with his stuff he still did it. He was spoilt as a child, change of life baby boy in a Greek family who up until that point had managed only daughters. He just expects his way and is completely blind to any alternative. It's annoying, but Shane and I usually treat David's selfishness as a game. He can be quite generous, as well, but, in a way, when it benefits him too.
Rachel because I had got out of the habit of contacting her and I had notice that she had stopped contacting me. We used to text and email each other every day, I can't remember when that stopped.
G because he had just started contacting me again and it just worked out that I was quitting smoking and needed some alone time. He saw it as me ignoring him, yet again.
Aby because I'd ignored her and didn't go to visit when I went up north.
Well, that's how it seemed in my head anyway. I'm not sure why the paranoia was coming over me, but... maybe it's the withdrawal from pot and cigarettes, you know maybe I'm not going to come out of this unscathed. A ten year... oh let’s be honest, fifteen year daily pot habit.
And I know that I'm not the best friend as in keeping up 24 hour contact, but... that hasn’t changed, if you know what I mean?
Were they were being kind of offhand? Was I being particularly sensitive? I dunno?
I mentioned it to Beck and she said that I hadn’t changed. She said people are just getting more and more pissed off and shitty and crappy and caught up in their own little worlds, that’s what she’s noticed.
It’s funny that Beck and I are born a month apart and we both have the same cynical outlook on life and people. Funny we should end up working together.
So I started with Jill and had dinner with her last Monday night. She’s fine. She's had a stomach bug.
I called Rachel and she seems fine, just pissed off with the world and her marriage. You have to get out of it luv.
I emailed Josh and asked him why he was pissed off with me. He said he wasn’t, but I don’t believe him. False assumption, he said. But, what am I to think when the pattern of his friendship suddenly changes? Shane said it was a back down email, that clearly he was cross but he realises now that he is over being angry. He must realise that he was in the wrong, said Shane. Must he, I thought? Do people do that? Are we reading the same email. You know, as much as I love Josh... he can go... oh, I don't know. We've known each other for too long not to speak again.
G grunted down the phone and said, “What the fuck are you talking about?” He wanted pot. He always contacts me when he wants pot and he can't get it.
Ab called from Sydney and admitted that she was lonely and said she couldn’t wait to see me. She’s coming down in the next few weeks. She says she misses people like me, who make her laugh, who make her think.
David’s moving out, but that’s because one of his sycophants has offered him two rooms for the price of the one room he has with me, therefore enabling him to have an office from where to run his business. I hope the new chick isn't a neat freak, as David is so messy and he is blind to it. Comes from having your mother wipe your arse until you were ten. Actually, I hope the new chick is a neat freak. He, he! Is that mean?
So, why do we feel like this? Is it just fatigue? You know, end of year. Xmas madness. New Year. 2010, you say? Jesus fuck! Is it the weight of life getting you down? The grind of it all - get up, dust yourself off and do it all over again. You know, every day. Rush, rush, be on, be up, be on top. How many hours sleep do I deserve? Is it guilt? You know, my part in this, not being the best friend that I know that I can be. But what is that? I can't remember every small hurt or deceit, I know they are there, I know they occurred. Is it something else? The global Financial crisis? The environmental crisis? The booze in the streets crisis? Racist Australia? The wars. The earth quakes. The god damn tsunamis! The instability of our precious world and the knowledge we are not going to save it from here. We have to get between man and money to save the planet, which has never been successful in the past. Pity the poor children of today, they are toast!
But, as Beck said, it's clearly not me, it's them. She's a permanent member of the Christian fan club, as is Mark and Luke, as seems to be Shane. Jill too. The others are provisional, not unconditional.
You only get unconditional with a dog, let's face it.
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