Funny Old Life

I was up at 9am. Saturday. It’s nice to wake up at 9am. Although, considering I am not working, I’m not sure that makes any sense. It is still nice to sleep late. 

I had a dream that Mark filled our bathroom full of antiques. There was a lot of colour glass lamps and peacock feathers. The house seemed to be one long corridor all of a sudden, as I looked for Mark to ask why he’d done it. Then I saw him, some way along the long corridor of a house some way in the distance. I yelled for him to take them away, but as usual my scream doesn’t work in my dreams. I tried again, it felt like I was yelling loudly, but no noise was coming out of me. It is like screaming into a vacuum, not being able to breathe. It’s like eating food in my dreams, as soon as there is nothing in my mouth and no taste, I wake up. Mark didn’t respond some distance down the corridor. I woke up. 

I was up first, I took Buddy, who was very keen to come inside this morning, and head up to Sam who was still in bed.

I decided that the filing cabinet cleaning was complete. Oh, um, it was more of a surrender. My filing cabinet if stuffed full of ‘stuff’ for years, nearly all of which I want to keep, so any cleaning of my filing cabinet very quickly is declared complete whenever I attempt any sort of cleaning of it. 

We watched Jim Jeffries. I love Jim Jeffries, I love everything he does. Of course, I love his story about going gay just so he could split the bill on a date. 

We walked into the city. We ate Ramen in Lonsdale Street. 

We went to the new Emporium and shopped. I bought some t-shirts and we bought some socks. I looked hideous in the mirror in the changing rooms. I don’t often have such a close up look at myself in full length mirrors. I look awful. I shudder. I’m not thirty two anymore. Not old, but not young any more. And I’m unemployed.

In the middle of it, Charlie turned up. Boyfriend, Lenny was there somewhere. Charlie came over and chatted and Lenny appeared, as we paid at the cash register. They looked young and healthy and happy.

Sam and I walked home up Lonsdale Street.

We got home at 3.30pm.

We walked to Woolies.

We ate tacos for dinner.

We started to watch all of the TV shows we’d taped. I was warm and comfy on the couch and I kept dozing off to sleep. Every time I fell asleep, Sam woke me up.

We went to bed at 10.30pm. We watched some TV and then we switched off the light.

I got to thinking about my life position. I’d been thinking about it all day. On the wrong side of thirty two and unemployed. I got to thinking about mum. I started wishing she was dead. Awful, isn’t it? But if she has lost her mind? I wondered what would happen if she goes on living? It is not going to take too long before she has eaten through a lot of her wealth, at $6000 per month. I’m on the wrong side of thirty two and unemployed and the inheritance that would make life easier could just slip away just like that. For no real benefit. I know Lottie would say, turn me off, it’s just pointless, if she could see herself. I could hear her voice saying it. I lay in bed thinking about life. Funny old life. How your perceptions change with your circumstance, almost separate to you. Beyond your control. I couldn’t sleep thinking that it had got to the stage that I was wishing my mum was dead. I couldn’t sleep.

I got up and padded downstairs. 

I smoked outside in the dark. Buddy came out of his kennel to check in. He stood sentry for a moment. He went back to his kennel. When I came back inside, Buddy came in with me. We lay on the lounge room floor and cuddled in the dark. I lay back on the carpet and Buddy licked my face. He sat against me and was warm. Love is a warm puppy. Everything is better with the love of a dog. We lay there for a while in the silence and the dark. Then we both went back upstairs to bed.