With No Hard Feelings

Hey Christian

Thank you so much for telling me how you feel. I hear you and fully understand where you are coming from.

If that’s how it is for you, then it IS good that we have some breathing space. No one likes to be corrected needled and picked on. If it’s a relief for you to not be around me, then it’s good we aren’t around each other at the mo’.

I miss you, but then, I’ve missed you for a long, long time.

I was sad that you hadn’t called Christian.

The “gee you’re very quiet over there” email last week – after I told you exactly what my issue was just the week before – Throb Friday – wasn’t worth answering. I was willing to discuss what was in my mind and in my heart, but not pretend that none of what I said or felt even existed.

But now I think maybe this is a better way to express it for me too.

There are two things going on here for me.

The first issue IS the same one since I came back from the States Christian.

You give me zero energy. That hurts. You show no interest, you ask no questions, you make no phone calls.

For me there were three last straws – not coming to my birthday, getting Josh to call me at 7pm to have dinner with Rachel (you have never asked me to dinner ever anywhere with anyone, another ouch at the time), and then thinking of me at the very last moment re Throb.

I’m not blaming you here Christian – just telling you.

Now, this is the second thing – and I have only come to this in the last week or so, so forgive me if it is muddled.

I’ve tried way too hard to make you be something that I realise now that you don’t want to be.

I remember the Christian that used to laugh and ask questions and tell amusing stories, and for so long I have tried to bring him out again in you, the zest for life that YOU taught ME. I have missed him, and mourned him, and felt “responsible”, that I should be able to bring that shining man back, for all to enjoy and admire. And I’ve felt like it was my fault, my failing, that I haven’t.

So, I’ve tried to keep you engaged, forgiven your lack of communication or interest, pretended they weren’t happening, written it off to you taking too many drugs (when you take them) etc again and again until finally I too have had ENOUGH.

Now I realise how much energy I have invested in trying to get you to be someone who you are not. Someone who you were maybe, but not who you are now. I haven’t accepted you, as you are.

So, that’s where my criticism etc has stemmed from I think. I’m really sorry that I’ve put us both through that.

We both deserve better than that.

So, a psycho bitch I may well be, but then again Christian, when wasn’t I?

You know, I hear the anger in your words, and I can understand that. I’m sorry my behaviour has made you angry. It’s a good thing that I’ve stopped “trying” I think.

You can write all of this off to my “excessive drug use” too, but Christian, I have only been receiving praise from my friends for my demonstration of discipline and self-control. I haven’t touched a drug since Jan 1, not even pot (yes from lack of availability), and I’ve gained 3 kilos in the last fortnight. I’m working out 4 times a week, and feeling mostly very healthy. So, I don’t know who this EVERYONE is that is telling you otherwise, but I suspect it’s Guido who is not exactly my biggest fan. (I think I am going to fix his little red wagon if he doesn’t stop talking about me, but that is another story). Anyway, you know I don’t lie about my drug use.

So, that’s how it is for me.

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to explain all of that, and getting clear about it myself.

No hard feelings here, just a bit of sadness. And I really am sorry that I haven’t been accepting of you as you are.

All the best.

Tom