Fathering a Child

I have a female friend, LouLou, with who I have had a long standing agreement that if she doesn't meet a man by the time her eggs are ripe, then, I would donate the sperm, be the father, whatever you want to call it, to help her to become a mother.

Not uncommon between a straight girl and a gay man.

Well, guess what, she has just split up with the last straight candidate for the role. All over. No hope of a reconciliation. And she is rapidly approaching that age where she has to make a decision, as she is just about to turn 40, in a couple of years. So, we are rapidly approaching the time when this agreement becomes very (fucking) serious and, apparently, according to Mark, it is now, potentially, the time that LouLou may want to collect. Apparently, Mark and LouLou have been chatting, in a roundabout sort of way and we are now at that time where I, suddenly, have become very much "in focus."

You know, when I first agreed to this, I didn't think I'd care. I thought it was a nice thing to do, help out a friend. I could have as much, or as little input into the kid’s life, no problem, no skin off my nose. Easy as...

But, as the time (apparently) approaches, it seems, more and more, that this is not the decision to be made lightly that I had, somewhat unthinkingly, thought it was. It's not just a matter of coming in a cup and handing it over. There is an innocent person's life we would be dealing with. I reckon it would be much easier if I donated my stuff and she went away and I didn't see her again. That would be easy. But, that's not how it would work. LouLou is a part of my life, so any kid would be too, no matter what agreement LouLou and I had to begin with. This would be a kid, who one day, will, most likely, call me on my decision. Us on our decision. If we (it, feels like, it would have to be we) didn't do a good job, do our best for him/her. We'll be as accountable as any parents. 150% for what, twenty years, minimum?

This is a kid who, potentially, sometime down the track could say, to me, You have been a very great disappointment to me. I so don't want that to be the case.

If I agree to this – and, I kind of have already, a number of times, over time – I would be agreeing to be a dad. I'd have to, we'd be in each other's lives.

The funny thing is – funny, as I thought this would be one of the biggest problems - that I can afford to do it. But, do I have the time? Inclination? Patients? Selflessness?

There's a part of me who says, just do it and worry about the consequences later. I do get clucky, from time to time – even if I only ever imagine having a son. There is a part of me who thinks having a kid would be really fulfilling, more so than anything else. I can see that. And, there is a part of me who can see that empty part of my life created by not having a child.

It's weird, but if I was going to do this, I'd want to do it the best that I can.

I told my mum about the proposal, a few years ago, just to get a bit of sanity and experience on the subject. She thought for a minute and then looked at me and smiled.

"I think you should do it. You'd make a great father and your brother and sister have had beautiful children," she said. "I think you'd make a better father than your brother."

Worst case scenario, I guess, is that something happens to LouLou and I would become sole parent to a child, to raise, love, guide and nurture.

Could I do it?

Fuck me?

Would I (want to) do it?

I don't know.

The most likely scenario - I'd help raise him. I'd have to do dad things? The thought of that is appealing and terrifying, all at the same time.

The interesting thing is that LouLou has the same name as my ex-girlfriend, about who I used to have a recurring dream – although, I haven't had it for some time now – that we were the parents of a young boy named Sam. Over the years (perhaps, once a year) that I had that dream, Sam grew up from a toddler to a 10 year old. Maybe, I just had the wrong mother in the dream.