Long Weekend Comes To An End

I had dreams about trying to find my tram home. I had trouble. It was weird, I seemed to be standing in the old Batman Avenue, but there was a lake running next to it rather than a river. There seemed to be a girl who was commenting on all the things I’d got wrong, but with no advice about what was right. I seemed to have to climb up hills of cliff side suburbs, and crawl through share houses on the way, until I found what was the beginning of the tram line I was looking for, which resemble a luge track. It all seemed to be about going back to my old family home, a house I haven’t lived in for years.

Sam was up at the usual time. I remember him chatting to me and I remember having the thought of getting out of bed. But then, I slept until 11am, which is unusual for me now a days. I’d just stood up and I was still rocking backwards and forwards, even if that rocking was only in my mind, when Sam came through the door with a washing basket in his hand. Oh dear, this doesn’t look good, this looks as though he is in achieving mode, I thought. I could hear the washing machine chugging away as I headed down the stairs. Sam was back in the kitchen cleaning some dishes. He was onto me straight away. “Here, clean this… and this… and this… and this.” He rotated around pointing at all of the dirty dishes one by one. Remember, he cooks and I clean. This was a judgement… fuck it, this was an assault. All I wanted was coffee, but I knew the seal on my coffee pot was stuffed. I could feel the anger rising up in me immediately.

I don’t want to do anything straight away.

Why is it me who is always being ordered around?

Why is it me always following someone else’s desires?

Oh yes, I am cranky, that is for sure. I could feel it in my solaplexes. How many days had it been? 4 days. The dreaded four days later, I tell myself. Nothing I am feeling is real. Everything I am feeling is drug related, which I should take no notice of.

We walked to Grill’d with Buddy and ate hamburgers for lunch. I seemed to be so cross with Sam so easily. He asked me to get water for Buddy as we sat outside Grill’d. I snapped back at him,

“What are you talking about, they are not going to get us water for the dog.”

The cute guy from Grill’d, who was cleaning the tables said, “I’ll get you a bowl of water for your dog.”

Oops.

I buried my face in the newspaper after that.

We headed to the coffee shop to get a new seal for my coffee pot but it was closed. We headed to the supermarket and got spring onions, orange juice and eggs.

The sun shone down today, even if it wasn’t very hot. It was winter brittle. There was a gentle wash to the sky and the light. The day didn’t sparkle, but it kind of glowed on low intensity.

We came home and watched crap afternoon TV. I managed to find old sitcoms, rather than watching the normal afternoon drivel.

I felt cranky, I could feel myself coming down. It is a nasty feeling, angry at the slightest difficulty. I hate that feeling. It is shit. I was shitty. I exploded at the cat when I found her lying on my freshly washed jumper for the second time. Sam offered me a valium, which I declined, after which he reiterated his suggestion that I took it. I lay back on the couch and pulled the blanket over me. Just lie quietly, I thought. Sam lay next to me, we lay in each other’s arms. It was quiet and dark, just the glow of the television playing out on our faces.

We watched The Voice. I love Miss Murphy and Luke Kennedy, sadly Miss Murphy was outed. I think the host should fuck Harrison Craig, they’d look good doing it together. Although, I am ready to admit the two of them fall within my big brother, little brother fantasies.

Sam cooked noodles. I love his noodles, they are his specialty. J

Then Sam went and packed for his trip to central NSW and the cattle auctions. He has to program an app for ipad to make country sales easier. He has to fly there in the morning and stay over night. He is so looking forward to it. Ha ha.

I tried to find him an Akubra Hat and I could have, but I know he wouldn’t wear it. I thought he’d look cool in hit. He was so not convinced. Nor was he convinced about the checked shirt and the moleskins.

He kept shaking his head and repeating, poor me, poor me.

I sat up in bed and wrote while Sam drifted off to sleep to his piano music. It’s nice, I like it, it is my new favourite thing to do, even if he isn’t so keen. It is better than sitting up in the lounge on my own long after he has gone to bed on his own.

By 10.30pm, nana got cranky and was complaining about me sitting up. Switch it off!!! Switch it off!!! See, it is always about you!!! I hate that one. Switch it off! You can do it tomorrow!!! Switch it off!!

He’s lovely really. I like looking over and seeing his head on the pillow with the doona pulled up to his chin. Very cute.