I used to be really good looking. I'm not going to say, that people still say I am, or anything like that, as it is purely subjective, it is what I think when I look in the mirror. I don't see any of it, it is just me looking back when I look in the mirror, it has always just been me looking back in the mirror. And now that I am over forty (well over 40) all I see are the ravages of time.
Not that I was aware of it back when, in as much, I never felt that I was really good looking, I never felt like that person. Some people say that was a part of my charm, disarming with my good looks. So, I never took it for granted, I never used it to my advantage, it was never a thing.
I never saw it back then. I can see it now, when I look back at old photos, it is almost as if there is now a different person in all of those photos to who used to be in those photos when I saw them at the time. I never really liked the way I looked, it never impressed me. But I can see it now. You weren't bad looking, now were you.
Although, I always got the person of my desires. And when I went to sex on premises venues, or saunas, I always got the person I wanted. I never really thought about it at the time, it was just the hunt and they were just the prey. Job done, go home.
Tom used to say to me that I was blissfully unaware of the men that used to check me out at gay clubs.
"You just don't see them," said Tom. "You only ever see the person if you are interested in them."
I miss Tom. I think a part of yourself dies when your best friend dies. There are things that he knew about me, like what I have just mentioned, that nobody, quite possibly, knew about me and now that Tom is dead, that part of me disappears with him. But I digress.
What was I saying? Oh yes. Attractiveness comes from within, in a lot of ways. No matter how you look, true beauty exudes from inside of you. Because, I can still give it that swagger. I was in the supermarket, I was listening Ms Murphy on my head phones. She is one of the great Australian singers to come to prominence of late. I love her voice and she makes me feel good whenever I listen to her. Her gorgeous voice was singing I'd Rather Go Blind, which was resinating deep down in my soul. I love headphones, they cocoon you, put you into your own planetary orbit. I picked up my green bag and flung it over my shoulder and sauntered out of the shop to the dulcet tones of her exquisite voice.
Well, I must have been feeling good, I was feeling good, I could feel my whole vibe resinating with each step I took and people looked, middle aged women, the Woollies chick, two guys walking in as I walked out. I stepped out into the sunshine and the dreaded street surveyors smiled and nodded at me.
The sun was shining, it was a gorgeous middle of the day.
What am I trying to say? (Oh, am I just babbling? I am just babbling, really) It was nice to be out and feel good and even have a few people acknowledge the fact, as it must have been radiating from me, to some extent. It was nice to feel.
Warm sun on my face. It was nice to be out in it and feeling gorgeous. It is nice to leave all the cynicism of this world behind sometimes and flip over to the glass half full person that, I am guessing, we all want to be. The world, the media, politics, beats us down and it is nice, sometimes, just to feel that the world is a great place.
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